The big guns.

Think they're so boss 'cause they wear suits.

Stupid SIS.

Why are they even here? Well, a stabbing and a slocking back-to-back It's turned into fucking Rikers around here.

You know they're gonna grill the COs as hard as the inmates.

Those dicks are all dying to nail us.

Gentlemen, good morning.

Welcome to Litchfield.

Enjoy your stay.

Kiss ass.

Gentlemen, nice to see you.

Captain Joe Caputo.

Morning.

Morning.

Uh, I thought we could meet in my office and go over the details of the incident before you begin your investigation.

Well, we report to Miss Figueroa.

Right, well, I believe I can provide more information.

Miss Figueroa wasn't on campus that evening.

We have instructions to meet with her exclusively.

We'll interview you along with the other COs when the time comes.

Sure, sure.

I'll show you to her office.

Some coffee would be great, too.

Light.

Two sugars.

Swing low Guess it could be worse.

Back in the day, they would have us out on some back road breaking rocks.

Yeah, on the other hand Paulie in Goodfellas had the joint wired, cookin' big-ass dinners every night.

Italians have weird shit with their mothers.

They, like, live with them for way too long.

We all got weird shit with our mamas.

Hey what you gonna say when they ask you about Red? That I didn't see shit, 'cause I didn't see shit.

But, come on, you know who did it.

Mmm Oh, my gosh! Who? Who? Damn, you can't be doin' that shit.

I got a family history of heart attacks.

Sorry, I mean, I'm sorry.

All right? I just came to check on the family business.

You know, we gotta keep these accounts full, right? And then you began to chat.

Italians do love their mamas.

So Is there something you want to ask me? - Mmm-mmm.

Nope.

Shit, I'm gonna answer anyway.

Yes.

Vee, you know we ain't gonna say shit.

Yes, you are, sweetheart.

You are going to say "You know that Warren girl is unstable? "She has a history of violence, a melodramatic notion of loyalty.

"But please go easy on her because, you know what, "even a double cray need a little bit of help.

" They will probably come to this conclusion on their own, eventually, but it doesn't hurt to give 'em a little push.

I know she Fruity Pebbles, but, man, that's cold.

Is it? Really? Is it cold for Amazon to underprice books just to capture market-share? No, it seems to me that as shareholders in this company, you are immune to the cold.

Just like polar bears.

Not sure cheap books is the same as pinning shit on Crazy.

Ain't you worried Red's gonna wake up and tell them what happened? Nope, that is not how OGs like Red handle their business.

You've got your script.

Follow it.

'Cause there are always more socks, baby girl.

Always more locks.

Enemies? Well, Red and Vee, they had history.

The Vee that you referenced is Yvonne Parker? Yeah, yeah, that's her.

Bad seed.

You can feel it when you're around her, her bad seediness.

She is the one that made things hardcore.

I mean, it's not like prison was summer camp, but we all sort of got along.

At least nobody was trying to kill each other.

Now, it's like Serbo-Croatia up in here.

You have a close relationship with Reznikov, correct? Don't call her that.

Her name's Red, all right? Nicknames don't suit our official purpose.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, treating her like she's not a person doesn't suit me.

Hey, look, just do your job and find the asshole who did it, okay? All right, you'd know this by now if you were any good at your job.

It was Vee.

Parker, for your official purposes.

I think it's the black one.

I don't know.

The one with the hair.

Her real name can't be Crazy Eyes.

I don't know.

She's the crazy one.

She already be, like, throwing pie all the time but this is, like, next-level crazy, you know? Rude.

That Vee, she's a very rude person.

I don't like rude.

It was Crazy Eyes.

Yes.

But do you happen to know her real name? Suzanne Warren.

You're sure? Positive.

I was attacked from behind.

I saw nothing.

No one.

I'm an old woman trying to grow something green.

I don't know who would do this to me.

Chapman.

Mr.

Caputo.

I like what you've done with the place.

Sadly, you know, it's starting to feel like home in here.

You know I had no choice but to punish you.

You broke into administrative offices.

You said someone asked you to steal these.

Who? I thought you weren't interested in what I had to say.

There's a year's worth of invoices in here.

Someone building a case? 'Cause I got a pretty good idea where you're going with this but I'd like some details.

You you were kind to me when I got here.

You let me make that phone call to my fiancé.

What's your point? - My point is that you're a good person.

And Miss Figueroa she isn't.

Is she embezzling? You seem like someone who cares about his job.

And frankly, you know, I think this would be a better place if you were in charge.

Get to the fucking point.

You're in seg, kid.

I'd be more than happy to leave you in here.

Now tell me exactly what you were planning.

I was gonna take her out.

"Take her out.

" How? Those files are a small piece of a much bigger case against her.

I wanna know who your contact is on the outside.

You don't even need him.

I can explain to you everything that is in that folder.

I will give you all of the ammunition you need, I promise.

I will tell you everything.

If? If you stop my transfer.

I got you now, you dirty bitch.

Jesus.

What's going on in here? You wearing sweatpants? They're slacks.

All right.

All right, you gotta you gotta breathe.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, take take a deep breath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on now.

Jason Joe.

I'm I'm Joe.

No, my husband is Jason.

Huh.

What happened to him? He get arrested? No! He's having an affair with a man named Gavin.

Gavin? Jeez.

Yikes.

He's in love.

Wow.

That's, uh Wow.

How did I not know? What's wrong with me? You had no idea? A lot of men shave their balls.

It doesn't mean they're gay.

You know it's not you, right? Hey, you gotta know that, huh? People are born a certain way, you know He used to love me.

I'm sure he did.

Oh, Christ, look at me.

I used to be so hot.

Now I'm hard and wrinkled.

You're still hot, Fig.

I mean, you're a horrible person - but you're sexy as hell.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks.

Hell, after all that money you embezzled for him Wait, what? What are you talking about? Embezzlement.

Fraud.

I've got your files.

You've been a bad girl.

And if I was your daddy, I'd spank you real good but I'm not.

I'm just the schmuck who's been cleaning up your crap for too long and I'm done.

You're a goddamn criminal, Mrs.

Fagueroa.

Get out.

Fine.

No, wait, stop.

You can't.

I can't? Suck my dick, Natalie.

Okay.

Wait, what? Holy shit.

Holy shit! Yeah, they used to call me beer can in high school.

Ah Ah, teeth, teeth.

Sorry.

So we're good? I do like you down on your knees.

Christ, you should never speak.

Uh The files.

You'll shut up? Oh, I I already gave 'em to the warden.

He's got copies of everything.

Bye, Nat.

Fuck! Why didn't you say anything to SIS? Why would you protect that woman? That woman can weasel her way out of anything.

I'm handling this my way.

She cracked your eye socket.

Hmm, it will heal.

And this gives me time to plan in peace.

Oh-ho.

Ooh.

Kind of hard to plan when you can't even sit up.

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo I used to take the boys to Coney Island.

They loved the spinning rides.

They called them the "Mamochka drunk rides" because I'd always get off nauseous and stumbling.

Little shits thought it was hilarious.

This is the same feeling but without three little boys pointing and laughing at me.

You should let the administration handle this.

Oh.

I should trust the administration while they're force-feeding you through tubes.

Huh? Salient point.

Look, please tell me that Fig keeps a vibrator in her desk.

'Cause I have this crystal-clear image in my head of her there, feet up, high heels knocking over the pen cup while she just goes to town on her clit with a pocket rocket.

Her drawers are full of snacks and wrappers.

Oh, come on.

Man, don't tell me that.

I don't wanna think of her as a bulimic with barf breath.

It's just so Good news though.

Caputo canceled my transfer.

Ah! Whoopie.

You get to stay here in hell.

Hey, maybe you'll get slocked to death by a psychotic heroin dealer.

How's Red? Alive.

It's all I know.

And that's a fucking miracle, you know.

Not a ton of news coming out of the medical unit, so I'm sorry, Nicky.

No, I mean, those ass clowns launched their bullshit investigation even though everyone knows exactly who did it, but You know, maybe you should ask for your transfer back.

Just get the fuck out of here.

It's better than the alternative.

I can't lose any more people, Nicky.

Alex is coming to visit me.

Jesus, Chapman.

You need to figure out what the fuck you want.

I know.

You know, 'cause if it really is to stay here in this shithole so you can get occasional visits from your demented girlfriend, I mean, then, man, it sounds like you're living the dream.

But if you want my advice, then get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute, you know? And, maybe, spend some of that energy praying that your roommate makes it out of medical with all her brain cells intact.

I'm sorry, Nicky.

I didn't mean to make this about me.

No, don't worry.

I get it.

It's not the same for you.

I care about Red, too.

Uh-huh.

Okay, but she's not your mom.

It's different when you're family.

Mama, please.

This shit is salty enough without your tears in it.

You wanna take a break? Ven.

What's looking good today, Bennett? I'm a hungry man.

There's some baked chicken but it looks a little gray.

I tend to stick with the PB and J.

What's going on over there? Oh, well, you know, Ruiz is on the transfer list that Fig put out.

It's really sad.

She's got the baby and everything.

It's I'm canceling all the transfers.

Really? How? Can you keep a secret? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, you seem like it.

Okay, listen.

Some stuff has gone down, and it looks like my star might be rising while Fig's explodes.

You know what I'm saying? Not really.

She's out.

I'm in.

Well, in-ish.

I gotta show the warden I'm his guy.

He's testing me out.

Wow.

Yeah, this has gotta go well, Bennett.

The next few days are crucial.

We gotta make sure.

I wanna do things right.

Bring guys like you up along with me.

The good guys.

The guys who keep their eyes open and their noses clean.

Sounds that sounds great, sir.

So, listen why don't you go give Ruiz the good news? Tell her she's not going anywhere.

Me? - Yeah.

Be the hero.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Um, thanks a lot.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Go ahead, kid.

What's going on? I'm canceling Ruiz's transfer.

She's staying put.

So nice of you.

I do what I can.

Oh, my God! Hey, should you be carrying such a heavy tray? That's fine, thanks.

It's better! - Listen, T - Stop.

Can we please not have a whole talk about our feelings and what happened and, like, status because I never learned that and and it really makes me, like, wanna jump out of my skin so can we just sit here and be cool now? Well, maybe just a little talk? I mean Look, what if Amanda talked about it right? Like, her fucked-up relationship with Mumsy and how hard that made things with Mackenzie when they took that cruise to Spain and shit.

Could you do it like that? I'll work on it, okay? I swear.

I have an appointment to meet with my guru to get a mantra soon so I'll start right after that.

But before I get my lips injected with ass fat so that we can really talk.

"Ass fat.

" Here because you look like a monkey.

Oh, damn, here I am with no peanuts for you.

I'll just take your Jell-O for gelatin! - No! Like hell you will! Shit.

You know red my favorite flavor! Yeah.

You're an animal.

And your little electroslock therapy? You're not fooling anyone.

Please tell my old friend, Red, that I I hope she feels better.

Some flipping friend you are.

What's the matter with you people? "You people"? You mean black people? I mean, blind people.

All right? Blindly following a fucking psychopath! All right, little ones.

Now, if you're done with your accusations and your name-calling, we'd all like to finish our meal in peace.

May you never have a minute of peace.

I trust with you two around, I won't.

Oh, yeah.

We'll be around.

A-ha.

Shut the fuck up.

Aw, you bitches friends again? Oh, now ain't that some Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants shit? I mean, ya'll know she done it.

You don't think she won't go after your ass one day? You make her mad look at her wrong whatever? Look, business is good, and I ain't rocking the boat.

Can't we all just get along? No not when she's around.

Don't feel bad if you don't see it yet.

Took me damn near 15 years.

I just hope you all wise up before it's too late.

It's up to you.

You could go full-on Britney Spears meltdown.

Oh, no.

Cancer chic is anything but.

Now, I'm thinking a nice Emma Watson pixie'll be cute, though.

Mmm.

I appreciate your guys' choices, but I'm thinking, like, right here.

Oh, you mean like Victoria Beckham? Sorry, shortcake, above the ears or it doesn't count.

Hey, you wanna run with the big boys, you gotta prove you're one of us, hmm? I thought this was about the girls.

It's confusing, I know.

Hey.

I'm canceling Safe Place.

I thought you should know.

Why? Wait! Mr.

Healy, wait! Aw, is your boyfriend hurt? Don't do that.

Come in! Hey, boss.

Hello, O'Neill.

How are you on this fine day? Oh, I'm good, thanks.

I bought a banjolele on Craigslist.

I don't know what that is.

It's like a four-stringed banjo, but little.

It's you know, it's a ukulele version of a banjo.

Ah! Asked and answered.

So, aside from the news of your adorable online purchase, is there another reason for your visit? Oh, yeah, um What do you wanna do about the nuns? - Nuns? - Yeah, there's a gaggle of 'em.

Gaggle? - Uh, like a like a murder of crows, there's a gaggle of nuns.

We're here to support Jane Ingalls' hunger strike.

Oh, Jesus.

Watch your mouth.

I can't have this today.

Not now.

I Your timing could not have been worse.

So sorry to inconvenience you.

Look, Sister I'm the good guy.

I I want things to be good.

Could you come back in three to five days? No, I could not.

I had to ask.

Babysit the nuns.

Sir, I don't think that's a good idea.

I got a history with nuns.

Suck it up.

I need things calm and contained.

No drama.

And if the press comes, you call me.

But it wasn't me.

That's very good.

That is exactly what you say when you go in there to talk to SIS.

It's perfect, Suzanne.

No, Vee it really wasn't me.

I didn't do it! Child, when you commit, you really do commit, don't you? I admire that.

Between us I just wanna say thank you, little girl.

What you did was rough but it had to be done.

Vee We shouldn't talk about us anymore.

I got you something special from the commissary.

We can play later.

You and me.

All right, it's like this.

Stop don't talk to me.

Loser, lame-boy, wannabe.

Oh! Like, totally, all you wanna be is me.

Stay fresh.

Okay, now you try.

Okay, so it's like Stop, don't talk to me.

Loser, lame-ass, wannabe.

Boy.

It's "lame-boy.

" Yeah, but we're talkin' Pennsatucky.

So shouldn't it be, like, "lame-ass" or "lame-girl"? Y'all are sad fucking assholes.

You know, this is really bullying.

While you have every right to your negative feelings towards Pennsatucky, you're being cruel and I think you're both better than that.

Embrace the light.

You know, I can take care of myself, Ching Chong China doll! She's Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumb-ass.

Ignorant dumb-ass dyke.

Whoa.

Excuse me? Like we haven't seen you hanging out with fatty-fatty man-girl.

Oh, yeah? So what? What is with all this name calling? We're expressing our feelings in lieu of physical violence.

Something Mr.

Healy taught me.

Oh, yeah? - Yep.

Then where were you before? No one came to his Safe Place thing, you know.

He was all sad and mad.

And I got his weird Russian cookies.

Up top! Everyone in this place is sad and mad.

I mean, I get it.

We're in prison.

It sucks.

But we should be leaning on each other finding support in our fellow criminals so we're not isolated.

I need a friend.

Don't look at me.

I got a friend.

Hey.

Nobody showed up at Safe Place? Nope, not a one.

And no more Safe Place.

It's probably all your fault.

Okay, this is totally weird.

I'm in the wrong outfit.

I like your sweater.

It's soft.

Like your resolve when you're offered a plea deal.

It came down at the very last minute, Piper.

And they promised me it would put him away for good.

But it made me a perjurer and you a free woman.

I thought you were gonna tell the truth! And I thought you were gonna lie! Jesus, we are like a fucking O.

Henry story.

It's good to see your face.

I don't know what to say.

You have every right to be angry.

I don't know if I'm angry.

I'm confused by you.

I'm confused by me, too.

I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.

Yeah, well, that's an understatement.

I'm a fuck-up.

And now I get to be a fuck-up in a shithole apartment in Queens.

Too afraid to even open my curtains.

I'm really fucking lonely, Piper.

Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody to keep your bed warm.

I sleep with a gun.

You what? Alex, what the hell? You're on probation.

There is a car parked outside of my apartment every day.

He's trying to scare me.

I wanna go out there with a baseball bat and smash the fucking windshield in.

Honestly, I should just start dealing again.

Find a bigger, tougher new kingpin who can beat up my old kingpin.

That's not funny.

It's not a joke.

What am I qualified to do? I have I have no job.

I'm afraid to leave my apartment.

I got so used to sleeping with the lights on that I'm totally freaked out by the dark.

My probation officer is a joke.

His name is David Crockett.

Davy fucking Crockett is my probation officer.

The King of the Wild Frontier? King of sitting on his fat fucking ass, stuffing his face with Swiss rolls, hoping to bust me for some stupid infraction.

You'd think that part of his job would be protecting his probies, you know? Nobody gives a shit about ex-cons.

What are you gonna do? - I'm skipping town.

You can't.

I don't have a choice.

These people know where I live.

That's why I wanted to see you.

When I go, Piper, I can't come back.

I have to just disappear.

You can't leave me.

Piper, I'm in danger.

But I don't have anyone left.

I'm sorry, Piper.

I'm sorry for all of it.

I know that my track record is shit but I really do love you.

Yeah, well, I hate you.

No, you don't.

No.

No, I don't.

Hey, junkie.

Hey, you traitorous piece of shit.

It's time to start scrubbing that dirty little soul of yours.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I'm slowly killing myself with corn syrup.

Boo, you sold her out.

You're part of why she's lying in that hospital bed.

All right, look.

You need to make it right.

What do you want me to do about it? Smother Parker in her sleep with my left ass cheek? I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Aw, come on.

You, of all people, know there's a million ways to hurt someone.

So tell your old pal, Nicky, where she stashes her shit.

Find that last shred of loyalty.

Where are you? - Where are you? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What What's going on, yo? I can't find it! I know it was here.

Now it's not here.

I know it was here! Twenty-two left, 14 right, - Your lock? - Shh! Lady Locksley.

Oh, shit.

I think she might've done something bad.

What are you talking about? I think I did it.

I think I attacked that Russian lady, and hit and hit and hit her! Yo, you think? Suzanne, if you done it, don't you think you would know? No, I don't always know what I'm doing.

You know, sometimes I block stuff out, some bad stuff like like that time I did the thing to my neighbor.

It don't sound like you blocked that out.

Well no.

That one's still pretty vivid.

But Vee says I did it.

Yo, Suzanne Vee is a liar.

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

She is a truth teller.

She told me that.

She says we're straight up.

Built on a foundation of honesty and loyalty.

Yo, built on a foundation of bullshit, more like.

You think that woman loyal to you? She is playing you, and this game is for serious.

You take the blame on this, you going to max.

You getting rapped with attempted murder.

Yo, why would you take the blame when you ain't done nothing? That woman is evil and she's trying to frame you and do you harm No, don't you dare speak ill of her! You know, she told me you'd say bad things.

Yeah, she warned me, and now here you are doing just that.

Suzanne.

So I think you'd better go.

You poor, crazy fool.

No.

I am not crazy.

I am unique.

There used to be this show on TV about girls who, like, had no idea they were pregnant.

And I always thought, "Yeah, I could see that.

"You're kind of chunky.

You don't feel so hot, anyway.

" But now I'm calling bullshit on it.

I mean, I'm I'm not all that popping out or anything.

Aleida says the women in our family carry in our ass, but I feel her.

I really feel her in there.

Daya, I, uh I can't tell anyone.

Oh.

No, look.

Listen to me.

Something happened with Fig.

Embezzling or something.

Caputo's getting promoted.

He says that I'm looking at a promotion, too.

It'll be crazy to come clean right now.

This means more money for us.

This means you can't be the dad.

Come on, baby.

Look, hey, we'll figure it out.

Don't say anything about the Fig thing, okay? It's still on the down-low.

Well, you were looking for an excuse.

I guess this raise/promotion thing is as good as any.

I'm not looking for an excuse.

I love you, John but you're a pussy.

I gotta get back to work.

Daya Daya, I'm a man on the rise.

I'm not a Seriously, don't say anything about the Fig thing, okay? It was told to me in confidence.

Please? So Fig's out? I knew that skinny puta was pulling some shit.

She never smile with her teeth.

Can't trust a bitch don't smile with her teeth.

She has some nice shoes though, man.

Yo, you seen the footwear on that one? If she was stealing, you know exactly where that money was going.

If I was stealing big, I would buy me something that won't wear out from walking around.

Like a diamond for my belly button.

No, for real.

That's nice.

Yeah, right? That's enough.

It looks good.

Well would you look at Norma Appleseed over here.

What are you planting, an orchard? No, I know what you're up to.

What were you gonna use to grind them? Wow.

Look at you quiet fire.

Well, you know how many seeds you're gonna need to make a lethal dose of arsenic? More than all the apples ever given to any teacher you've ever known.

And then you're gonna need a blender, you're gonna need lye, and you're gonna need an airtight container.

And then you gotta get it down Vee's fucking throat.

Ay, Mama, you didn't think this one through.

Yeah I know a few things.

I know she hurt your girl.

And I know she gotta go, but there are other ways.

All you gotta do is ask.

Okay, tonight, I want you to go home and look up "leopard cub kills baboon and tries to adopt its baby.

" Then you come back tomorrow and you tell me babies are born with sin.

Why don't you give us the highlights? Okay, fine.

A leopard cub kills a baboon, right? And then as the leopard's dragging the bloody baboon corpse home for dinner, a baby baboon falls from the folds of its dead mother.

And you're thinking, "Leopard's gonna eat the baby," right? A little baby baboon appetizer before the main course? But, no, he shelters the baby.

He even defends it against a hyena.

And why? Why would this wild animal do that? Because even a feral, wild, predatory beast can recognize innocence when it sees it and feels the need to protect it.

Yet Catholics can't.

Hey, what is your problem? What's my problem? Catholic school that's my problem.

You people seem all "la, la, la, God," but in reality, you are professional humiliators! Oh, did someone get rapped with a ruler? Get over it.

You're a grown up.

Let it go.

But what happened to the baby baboon? It died of exposure.

I suppose it was God's will.

Nonsense.

It was just really cold.

Like a nun's heart.

Oh, fuck.

Nuns say, "fuck"? I'm a former nun.

They all came.

Who knew I still had juice? Aren't you pleased? Your friends showed up for you.

I need to think about something else.

I keep having fantasies about biscuits.

You made your bed.

Now you can lie in it, strapped to an IV.

Or is it two IVs? I'm seeing double.

Looks like there's two of you in that bed.

I wish.

You do? I always wondered about that whole celibacy thing with you people.

How does that work? Well, if you read the papers, you know better in some cases than in others.

What about with you? Did you ever I've masturbated.

There's this statue of Jesus on the cross that was especially ripped.

He was my guy.

Before Dmitri, there was this man named Pavel.

Even talking about him now there's a tightening.

So what happened? America home of the free.

Dmitri was tame in bed, bold in life.

Pavel, the opposite.

I went with life.

I went with the man who was going to go to America.

So, you didn't like having sex with your husband? I wouldn't say that, no.

I like sex.

I never rolled away after and thought, "Oh, I wish I hadn't done that.

" No, it was always nice.

But there's a part of me a part of every woman, I think, that doesn't want nice.

That's the problem with married sex in general.

No more fear.

Fear is good? Fear is very good.

Oh! But I'll say this for my hairy-backed husband he always took care of me.

Turned him on.

Could spend weeks down there.

I do enjoy the release.

It cracks my neck.

Oh! No, thank you.

Oh, come on.

Stop it with this nonsense.

Believe me, all I want is to eat that sandwich, but I can't break my strike with 100 nuns out there.

Please take it away! You still worry about what your friends think? You think I'm acting childish? Who's the one plotting revenge in her bed like a gangbanger? Here.

We can sandwich toast to orgasms and do our time in peace.

Are you going to talk to SIS about Parker? I can't sandwich toast to climaxes and peace while you plot a war.

And what happens in the meantime? By remaining silent, you let this clearly dangerous woman stay here.

How long before she hurts someone else? One of your girls? Oh.

You eat and I sing like a canary, huh? We abandon our principles together.

You found her out by the greenhouse? What was she doing out there? I do not remember taking Lady Locksley out there.

I do not! Now, it is quite possible that she has been interfered with.

Can you tell us where you were at the time the incident took place? I don't know.

When did the incident take place? We're not sure.

We have a window.

How did your lock end up in the yard by the greenhouse? We're not sure.

We have a window.

Who's we? - Who? Miss Warren, you've spent your fair share of time in Psych.

You have a history of violent outbursts.

The incident with inmate Waterstone in which you broke her collarbone.

The circumstances behind the "accident" in the woodshop.

Several assaults.

An episode in which you removed all of your clothes and Uh, uh, my therapist says, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.

" We understand there was some bad blood between Miss Parker and Mrs.

Reznikov.

We further understand that you and Miss Parker have a close relationship? Yeah, Vee and I are close.

That's right.

Do you think she slocked Mrs.

Reznikov? No.

No, no.

Vee doesn't do that.

She's the brains, I'm the muscle.

You're the muscle? You happen to flex in the greenhouse? - Maybe.

Maybe? So we've gone from "no" to "maybe"? No.

No? Yes.

Yes? Look I'm feeling confused.

Is there something you'd like to tell us? No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

No! Yes! No! Yes! No.

Wait, no, yes, no, yes, no, no, yes, no.

No, no, no.

Yes.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no You know, when I was a kid, I used to think that there were people in the radio.

Like, these little itty-bitty people that climbed in and played on their mini instruments and sang into their tiny microphones! That's stupid.

I used to put Scotch Tape around my dolls so I'd know if they moved when I was sleeping.

They never did.

But I always wondered if they were smart enough to go back to their exact positions and put the tape back on so I wouldn't know.

Hey, did you ever see that movie, the one where there's the cowboy and he's, like, the king of the castle and then this astronaut shows up and he tries to take over and so the cowboy attempts to murder him, but instead the astronaut is taken hostage by, like, this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends? Toy Story? Oh, my God! Toy Story! That's it, that's it.

I love that movie.

Oh! You got one fucked-up perspective on the world, kid.

Yeah, I hear that a lot.

I guess that's why I gotta be locked up.

No that's what makes you great.

Thanks, Rosa.

Hey, you ever think about Jay-Z and Beyoncé fucking? 'Cause I do.

Like, more than I do myself, even.

You don't think that's weird? Who's been in here? Yo in case math ain't your jam, you know I got, like, Who the fuck has been in here? I don't know, man.

I don't know.

Damn.

Fuck.

This is a little song about the nuns Fiercer, meaner, crueler Ruder than the Huns I am forced to babysit them When I thought that I had quit them Oh, I kind of hope that they all get the runs You know, she's not even a nun anymore? The way we see it, she's still married to Jesus.

We're Catholics.

No divorce.

This is a song about my mom and dad And the divorce that they should have had Oh, jeez.

Whoa.

You look rough, Red.

Yeah, well repeated shots to the head with a lock in a sock will do that to a person.

Thank you for coming to see me.

But you asked.

So SIS thinks they got it figured out.

They're pinning everything on Crazy Eye On Warren.

They got some kind of half confession out of her, and that's good enough for them.

They wanna go home.

Red has something she wants to tell you.

I can speak for myself.

Thank you, hungry nun.

So Healy you have to bring SIS back in here.

You've already made your statement.

Like I said, SIS thinks they have their gal.

You know she didn't do it.

I'm trying to do the right thing here, Healy.

Help me.

I I don't know anything.

You'd let the crazy one take the hit for the real evil? Where's your fight, Healy? You used to care.

Where was your conscience when they were in here the first time? It was buried under her mistrust for the system but she's trying to do right.

Yeah well, you know what you get when you try around here? Not much.

Have a nice day.

You take care of yourself, okay? Miss Cisneros.

Hello.

There's a chair outside in the hallway if you'd like to wait there.

I gotta stay.

It's policy.

I understand, of course but I would appreciate a few moments alone with my patient.

I'm just doing my job.

It's all right, Doc.

I'm used to it.

Fine.

Miss Cisneros, we've received your results.

I'm dying, I know.

Well yes, that's true.

But - Look, Doc I don't need any bullshit about percentages or millimeters or stages.

Do me a favor and talk to me like you would if I was a person you loved.

The chemo's not working.

This cancer is aggressive.

How long I got? Three to six weeks, I'd say.

Thank you.

You hear that, my love? Mommy's not going far away.

She's staying right here.

So we can see her kiss her and tell her all about how our day was and how we read that book Fraidyzoo and how your diaper leaked all over Daddy's pants.

That's right.

We're very excited, right, baby? We are so excited.

Aren't we? Yeah.

Do you hate us? Please tell us you don't hate us because you're still my best friend and I don't have a lot of women friends, and I love you, and I can't imagine a world where you're not my friend.

We want your blessing.

You're kidding me, right? You did cheat on me.

That doesn't mean I don't get to have feelings.

If only my nipples smelled like marzipan.

You told him that? Oh, Jesus He didn't need to know what Alex's nipples smelled like.

It weirdly made him feel better for a minute.

Fuck you.

Fuck both of you.

You're right.

She's right.

Ugh This is so insane.

I'm so sorry.

We shouldn't have come.

No, no.

We talked about this.

It makes sense.

Pipes - Stop it.

Fine.

But let's be realistic about this.

We both have known you a really long time.

It's not like you're suddenly gonna disappear out of our lives.

That's that's not what we want at least.

We? Oh, God Oh, God, gross.

Can we be adults about this, please? Sure.

Okay.

Let's be adults.

Let's get this all out on the table just so that we're clear, okay? The first person that you fuck after we break up is my best friend.

My married best friend.

And you you have a newborn.

I mean, was your vagina even fuckable at that point or were you just squirting your milk all over him? And then you did the worst thing.

You decided to fall in love.

And then you thought, "You know what'd be a great idea? "Let's go visit Piper in prison "because that's where she lives "because things are going so great for her, "and let's sit across from her "and ask for her blessing "so that we can walk away feeling absolved "of all of the fucked-up choices that we have made.

" You're right.

It's fucked up.

I know that.

Larry knows that.

But we didn't decide to love each other, Piper.

It just happened.

The way love does.

And my vagina bounced back really fast.

Hey Mr.

Healy.

Hi.

What do you think? I prefer long hair.

Hey, but it's counter-culture.

Do you even know what that means? Not really.

But I don't really think it matters as long as you say your opinion louder than everybody else's.

Have a good one, Doggett.

Hold on.

Hey! - Wait! I wanna talk to you.

I wanna do a make-up class for Safe Place, all right? I have a lot of free time this week.

You seemed to be pretty busy yesterday.

Is that why you're all sourpussed? You sad 'cause I have another friend besides you? I thought we had the same values.

We do have the same values.

We like to express ourselves, and we like to be kind to people, right? I mean, because of you, Mr.

Healy, I made a new friend, somebody that I would've never talked to, and you know it.

I mean, now, is that something else or what? Touch me again and we're gonna have a problem.

Do you understand? All right, listen.

You don't gotta talk, okay? I know you got issues with the butchies, and you're not that far off the mark.

And I know you're pissed off at me that I didn't make it to group.

Sorry, but I want you to know something.

I am forever grateful to you.

'Cause you're the only person in my whole life that's ever taken the time to talk to me.

And it just seems like you're really good at what you do and that you really care.

And I will never finger her and I will never let her finger me.

This is all part of making the evil go away.

Okay.

And the final step.

Hey, hey.

Why don't you tell me what happened? I hit her and hit her and hit her.

Why did you do that? I don't remember.

You don't remember doing it or you don't remember why? I don't remember.

Did you attack Red? Vee said I did.

Those men who were here said I did.

Shouldn't I believe 'em? No.

You should know what you did.

I can't remember! Now, I thought I was mopping in the warehouse.

Turns out, I was slocking in the greenhouse.

I must you know, I must've mixed up "ware" and "green" or "mop" and "slock.

" That could happen right? It's very unlikely.

Yes.

But who can I trust? Yourself.

No.

No.

I'm unreliable.

Is Red gonna be okay? I always liked her.

She's scary, but her hair is like the Heat Miser in that Christmas special don't you think? She's, uh Mrs.

Green Christmas.

She's Mrs.

Sun.

Yeah.

So what's gonna happen to me now? Oh, good, you're packing up.

I just got word that I am officially taking over your job.

Permanently or interim till they find someone real? He's giving you a trial run, isn't he? What is it, 48 hours, 72? Can you not fuck up for a few days? There's a real challenge.

Meanwhile your shapely ass is canned while mine is sitting in that chair.

I wasn't canned.

I resigned.

I am leaving with a commendation from the warden about my dedicated service to this institution, and a press release about how sad he is that I have decided to devote myself to politics and possibly motherhood full-time.

How the fuck do you do that? How do you keep getting away with shit? I'm not getting away with anything.

The warden is simply smart enough to realize he doesn't want a scandal on his hands and he doesn't wanna make a political enemy of my husband.

Your gay husband? Your band sucks.

Your blowjobs suck.

I was good at my job, Joe.

It was complicated but I made it work.

Let's see how you do.

Well, I figure, for starters, if I simply don't embezzle and lie and neglect Oh, save it.

I'm tired and I'm leaving.

Good luck with your noble intentions.

This place'll beat 'em out of you quick.

Well, Amanda has a theory that it's all because of the cycle of poverty and the bad schools and the government cheese and because I'm brown and my mom was on crack.

But I think it's because I was just being an asshole.

I thought you said no mushy shit.

I'm sorry, P.

I really am.

Yeah, well Mackenzie thinks it's repressed frustration 'cause you ain't never been to Paris.

It's probably that, too.

Oh, shit.

Outlander.

You ever read this? - Nah.

Lady travels back in time to Scotland and some shit, hooks up with this big sexy outlaw type and they be gettin' it day in and day out.

Yo, it's hot! But the dude's, like pale with red hair.

Not my thing.

But if I go back in time, I go back to Africa.

I find me a Nubian king with a Nubian thing.

Yo, look, when I was a kid, my parents rented that movie Back to the Future.

I was mad convinced.

So, like, every time I left the house, my backpack was full of stuff just in case I went back in time.

I was all ready for my DeLorean but it never came.

Yo, P.

The fuck do y'all want, man? Chill, you fuckin' book ninja.

We come in peace.

For real.

This shit's gone too far.

Yeah, well, took you fucking long enough to notice.

That bitch went crazy on my ass.

"Where's my shit? Where's my shit?" She cracked wide open.

Wait.

What shit? Her shit shit? Oh, shit.

Went missing, yeah.

She's out of her mind.

Guessing she'll be coming after y'all next.

Yo, but we ain't got her shit.

She talkin' about takin' everybody out for it.

Look, I don't care if y'all got it or not.

I just wanna know I'm not getting slocked in my bed or shanked on the dooker.

Yo, if she's suspecting y'all, then that means she ain't got no people no more except Crazy Eyes.

Mmm-mmm, Crazy Eyes be out with SIS takin' the fall for doin' Red.

Vee got that noodle-brain convinced she did it.

We kind of helped with that, too.

I hope you right with your God with that one.

Hey, don't make us try and feel badder than we already do.

Y'all was with Vee, too.

Y'all was doing sketchy shit, too.

She must really be losin' it over them drugs, huh? Lost it.

Yo, maybe we can make this right.

I mean Vee got no one.

We all talkin'.

So we jump her? Pow, pow, pow! - Yo, don't! I'm in.

No I don't think we need to do all that.

Okay I made an effort.

It's your turn.

Eat something.

Uh Fine.

Okay, Sister.

I've stopped your transfer.

I was being transferred? That's right.

You, Chapman and a bunch of others.

Fig was having you all sent to Virginia.

I just took care of it.

You're all staying here.

Aren't you glad? Well, it it's hard to be emotionally invested in something I didn't know was happening, but yes, I I suppose that's good news.

Good.

I've done you a solid.

Now would you do something for me? Eat something.

Don't eat a thing, Ingalls.

Fight the power.

Red, you're not helping.

Look Fig is out.

I'm in.

Give me a win here.

Let me show the administration I can handle situations.

I wanna make a difference, Sister.

Would you do that for me? Here I brought you a muffin.

Go ahead.

Go ahead take a bite.

We'll call it a day.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Excellent.

All right.

Attagirl.

Now would you mind calling off your nuns? Luschek.

Need to ask you something.

You can buy it on the Internet.

What? Whatever you're looking for.

I guess I could help you with what words to type in.

Do I wanna know that much about you? What the fuck are you talking about? I need to ask you about Warren.

Who? Crazy Eyes.

Oh.

You might've seen her in electrical around the time Red got slocked.

Cleaning up, sweeping the floor, something like that.

I, uh might have.

Well, that's great.

I need an interdepartmental work order showing the specific time that she reported to you.

And, uh you would owe me a big one for lying for you, right? You know, something to be determined at a later date? Sure.

Fine.

Here's the form.

Oh! This is gonna be fun.

Turn around.

Thanks, Luschek.

Hey, Taystee.

How's my girl? Who? Me? Come on, now.

I had to teach you a little lesson, but the time out is over.

Come on back.

Play with Mama.

I think I'll stay in the corner.

And while you in that corner, look around.

You wouldn't happen to be hiding a big box of something that's not yours, would you? I didn't take your shit.

But you know who did! Hey, guys.

What's going on? This does not concern you.

Taystee, we've been together long enough.

I don't have to remind you what happens when someone oversteps.

You mean like RJ? Yes.

Like RJ.

You'd be 10 years dead now.

You'd be just another anonymous black child buried six deep in a county field.

Here's the thing about mamas.

They're only mamas as long as they got kids.

Without 'em, what are they? Uh nothing.

You got to have people.

Especially in here, you just got to.

Otherwise, you find yourself vulnerable to all sorts of shit.

Lots of locks.

Lots of socks.

You're turning me out? Fuck you.

You think I can't survive? I will find a new family.

'Course you will.

As long as there's psychos like you, there's always people willing to follow.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll find all sorts of new suckers over at max.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

See, we feel real bad about Suzanne.

So we about to What's that what's that word? Recant.

Yeah, we about to recant our shit.

Yeah, you know who made up that "never snitch" bullshit? People who probably deserved to be snitched on.

Taystee.

My Taystee Girl.

You break my heart.

Might be true if you had one.

Hey, you know what I was thinking? You ever seen Toy Story 2? You know, it's hard to believe, but it's better than the first one.

And even though sequels never are this? This is the exception to the rule.

So, I was thinking, maybe we could get them to play it next week.

Wouldn't that be good, huh? She's done.

Done, done.

Only has a few more weeks.

That's what the doc said.

Man it's real fucked up to die in prison, right? I mean, it's fucked up to die, period, but this is really, I mean it's fucked up.

Man, I love this one.

Chapman.

Yeah? You were right, you know? What you said to me when I first got here.

What did I say? You told me to find a wife someone to look out for me.

I should've listened.

Yeah, I was fucking with you.

I know.

But you were right.

God, this is the loneliest place I've ever been and I lived alone in a tree for eight months.

Yeah, you're pretty much on your own in here.

It sucks.

And no one understands.

Like, Meadow asked if she could send me a care package.

She thinks this is camp.

But it's not.

It's awful.

I don't think I'm gonna be the same when I get out.

Maybe that's okay.

It's not fucking okay.

I know.

Miss Warren.

Miss Warren! The authorities will be here soon to transfer you to another facility to await trial on this charge.

Mmm.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Oh! "We say 'thank you, ' we say 'please, ' and 'excuse me, ' when we sneeze.

"That's the way we do what's right.

We have manners.

We're polite.

" What? You wanna go home or not, huh? I'm supposed to meet Cheryl at the White Horse tonight.

Fine.

Good day, sir.

I say, "Good day.

" Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

No, thank you very much.

No, thank you very much.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Go.

Bye.

Excuse me, I need to recant my testimony.

Hey, hey, I got new information.

It was Vee Parker.

Yes.

Vee Parker did it.

Yo, you gotta believe us.

It might've seemed like it was Crazy Eyes 'cause that bitch is crazy, but it was not her.

Yeah, justice is not being served.

Ladies, I'm sorry.

We're done for the day.

No! No! - Where is security? Is there a CO around here? Ladies, I strongly suggest you clear this hallway.

Just listen for one sec! - It was Vee Parker! Hold up.

Hold up.

Oh, good, Mr.

Healy, please control your inmates.

Control? We don't need control.

I have a work order here.

There's no way Warren could've done it.

She was in electrical.

You gotta let her go.

Case is still open.

Shit.

You should call Cheryl.

Yeah, you should call Cheryl.

"Honey, I'm gonna be home late.

" Jesus.

Come in.

Welcome, John! Huh? You like my new office? Yeah, it's, uh it's very nice.

Look, Mr.

Caputo I can't be a pussy anymore.

I have to stand up and be a man.

Oh, no, don't.

Please don't tell me you busted up another dorm.

I can't - Daya's baby's mine.

The baby's mine.

I got her pregnant and she got scared, so she had sex with Mendez so that I wouldn't get blamed, but I have to step up.

It's, uh it's my child - Stop talking.

It's my child.

It's my baby.

I said, "Stop talking.

" Jesus tits.

It's my second day.

I can't.

I can't I can't have this.

No.

This has been dealt with.

But the baby's mine.

Mendez is being prosecuted.

'Cause Mendez fucked her.

So did I! No, you didn't.

Sir, I I fucked her.

Do you love this girl, Bennett? I do.

Then I suggest you keep your mouth shut or I will send your love, the town pump of Litchfield, to a max facility where she will spend her days in a cage away from you and her mother and her friends until she delivers your child with her hands and feet cuffed to a bed.

What do you want, Bennett? Nothing, sir.

Good.

It's my second day.

My second fucking day.

Get out of here.

Yes, sir.

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.

To accept this call, please press one.

Should we take that? - It's Piper.

We have to.

Piper.

Hi, are you alone? I'm in the car with Polly.

You're on speaker.

Ah! Of course I am.

Listen, do you wanna make it up to me? Depends on what that means.

I need a favor.

And, Larry, if you're not willing to do this then, Polly, I'm asking you.

What is it? There's a probation officer and his name is David Crockett.

Just like Davy Crockett.

He probably works for the federal division of the Queens County probation office.

I'm sure that you can find the bureau online.

Okay.

I need you to call him and tell him that Alex Vause is violating her probation and that she is on her way out of town.

Is that true? Yes.

And the purpose of this is what? Larry, I am giving you the opportunity to fuck over someone that you hate.

And why would I do that? So she lands back in there with you? Polly? What's the office called, again? Where is she? Anybody seen Parker? Parker? You don't know where your inmates are? Hello? Jesus.

Okay.

The laundry room where the meth heads work? - What the fuck were you thinking? - I was thinking it's a place big enough to hold it and it would have to do for now.

All right.

Oh, come on.

Start stuffing these down your pants and head back to the warehouse.

I'll grab Caputo.

We lead him to it and we nail the bitch.

Wait a minute.

You want me to walk from here to the warehouse with heroin stuffed in my pants? No fucking way.

Come on, you're already bulky.

No one's gonna notice.

Ha.

How'd you get it here in the first place? Laundry bag.

I hid it in some clothes.

You know, it makes sense to go to laundry with a bag of clothes.

Makes no sense to go to the warehouse with a laundry bag of clothes.

Yeah, well, here's an idea.

Why didn't you just leave it there in a different spot? - Seriously? - Uh-huh.

You know she tore that place apart.

If it was me, I would've torn that place apart.

You know, Nicky what if Caputo doesn't believe that this is Vee's? I mean, what if he thinks it's ours? Maybe we should keep it? - Oh, fuck.

Shit! Everybody down? Good.

What's going on? Parker's missing.

Stay here.

What's going on? An inmate is missing.

Back to your bunks for count.

All right.

Come on, son.

We'll deal with this later.

All inmates, return to your bunks for count immediately.

Nichols? This prison is officially on lockdown.

Please remain in your bunks until further notice.

Holy shit, we got a runner.

You ever had a runner before? No.

Oh, it's fun.

Don't take another step! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey! What the fuck? Can I help you? I didn't know you were home.

I don't fucking care.

You can't just walk into my apartment! Yeah, I know that usually, but he asked me to.

Mr.

Crockett.

Miss Vause.

Fuck.

And you will remain in your bunks until further notice.

No exceptions, no excuses.

Fall out.

A-Dorm, B-Dorm, C-Dorm, we are on lockdown.

Return to your area immediately.

You got some good hair, girl.

Almost that Tracee Ellis Ross biracial texture.

Almost.

It's a little dry, though.

I need to get you a co-wash, maybe a hot oil treatment.

15, 16, 17 - Oh, wait.

No, keep your leg straight.

Yeah, 17, 18 for, like, over 15 years.

That woman was fucking insane.

Then fuckin' ditched your ass.

But you how y'all gonna diss me like y'all did before? Fuck it.

Don't die in here, Miss Rosa.

Go do it your own way.

What do I do? Go fast.

Prison's on lockdown.

We need to get her back to rooms and get you back - What the fuck? - Oh, lord in heaven! - Oh, shit.

Shit! Shit! - Oh, my God! Rosa, come back here! You're gonna get in big trouble, Rosa! What's going on with the alarms? As far as you're concerned, we're just testing the system.

Now tell me again what you're gonna say.

"I've elected to end my hunger strike.

" That's right.

I feel like a shill.

Greater good, Ingalls.

Eye on the prize.

Go on.

"Thanks to the efforts of you, my sisters, the administration has heard our outcry "and is taking steps to address our complaints.

" "Beginning with the appointment of Assistant Warden Joe Caputo.

" What the fuck? O'Neill, scatter the nuns! Run, nuns! Run! Run! Oh, fuck! And that backup is due to road work that's going to be going on probably until tomorrow night.

Now if you're traveling eastbound on Duncan Always so rude, that one.