Title: Destiny
Author: StormyBear30
Author Website: http://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: Strong R in some chapters
Summary: It’s all about their destiny.
Author’s Note: All mistakes are mine and this is un-beta’d.
Disclaimer: I don’t know them. I have no idea of their sexual orientation. These are just stories that the muses in my head forced me to write.
Feedback: I live and breathe for it.

Chapter One

It wasn’t love the first time I laid eyes on Adam Lambert, if fact at the beginning it was anything but as I stood in the doorway of my new home, my new roommate going over a list a mile long of things he felt I needed to know. I actually wondered if I had made the wrong choice in my search of a new life in California, but thought better of it, my heart breaking as to the real reason I was there. I didn’t hear half of what he said as I made my way inside, took one look around the small apartment that was the beginning of my new life and proceeded to break down into tears. He didn’t seem to know what to do and I couldn’t stop myself as we stood across the room from each other. “I’m sorry” I blubbered, wiping at my wet cheeks, but before I could say another word I found myself wrapped within his arms as he held me close and despite the fact that I didn’t really know him, I held on for dear life. Once I had been able to get myself under control he led me to my bedroom, giving me a quick nod before leaving me alone with my thoughts, my memories and my pain.

The room was small and practically empty, aside from a dingy looking mattress on the floor and an even smaller closet with only two hangers hanging inside. I didn’t care though because I didn’t have much in terms of possessions as I placed my most important one on the floor next to the bed before unpacking the small backpack containing everything I owned. I was unpacked in a matter of five minutes as I sat down on the ratty looking mattress, running my hand along the beat up guitar case the contained my most precious belonging as tears graced my eyes yet again. I wondered once again for a moment if I had made the right decision, but as I recalled what I had waiting for me back home, I knew that I couldn’t ever go back and not only was it the right choice but the only one. .

I grew up in a small town in Arkansas. I loved growing up in Conway because it was small and wholesome and everybody knew your name. I had a normal childhood growing up, surrounded by love and supported by my parents and my brother Daniel who meant the world to me. We were a close knit family, who went to church on Sundays, were there for each other without fail and didn’t hesitate to help those who were less fortunate then ourselves. I loved my family very much and couldn’t have been prouder of them when one summer at the beginning of my high school career they decided that as a family we should do missionary work with our church. I was excited beyond belief to get the opportunity to help other people in a foreign country, but the idea of traveling and exploring another country was even more exciting for me. That excitement quickly turned to dread and depression as not four weeks after we began our missionary work, my parents and my brother were dead and I was hanging on by a mere thread. We had contracted typhoid and even though we had been vaccinated for just about every disease known to man before we arrived at our camp, this strain was unstoppable and deadly. It wasn’t until after my recovery that I learned that my entire family was gone, the missionary people sending me back to Arkansas and a Uncle and Aunt that made it quit known that I wasn’t wanted in any way, shape or form.

After that my life became nothing but a nightmare. I was treated more as a hired hand then as a family member and forced to do whatever it was that they told me to do. I was miserable and lonely and often wished that I had died right along with my family, but I knew that god must have had a reason for my survival, but at the time I didn’t have any clue as to what that might be. I was forced to live in a city where no one knew me, or cared to get to know me because I was the extra burden of their neighbor and friends and for the two years that I lived there that was all I ever was. I had pretty much accepted the fact that my life was never going to be the same again, but as I neared my eighteenth birthday I was determined to do something about it changing it for the better. After my parents died I learned that they had set up a small trust fund for my brother and me and since his passing his was to come to me as well. I didn’t know how much was there and I didn’t care because all that mattered was that it was hopefully enough to get me out of that small town and away from the family that I had learned to hate with a passion. My Aunt and Uncle spoke of this trust often, telling me time and time again that no matter what happened that money was going to them because it was owed to them for being such a burden, but I was determined they weren’t going to see a cent.

Several weeks before my birthday I started checking into plane tickets, bus tickets, anything that would get me as far away from them as possible. I really didn’t have any set plan, nor did I know where I wanted to go as I searched for information about several different cities in several different states. I knew I wanted to play music and had narrowed my search down to New York or California rather quickly. I knew it was going to be hard in either place, but I convinced myself that nothing could be as hard as living in a city where everyone hated me and with a family that looked at me as nothing but a burden. In the long run I ended up choosing California and it turned out to be the best decision and the worst decision of my lifetime. Using the computers at the library, I scoured the papers trying to find a job and an apartment that I felt I could afford. I couldn’t believe how much even the smallest shit holes cost and yet it didn’t matter because I was determined to take control of my life and make something of myself. I happened on Adam’s ad by mistake and without even knowing what I was getting myself into I replied to the email address and give him some information about myself and why I wanted to live in his apartment with him. He responded right away and that began my interaction with Adam Lambert.

The day of my eighteenth birthday I raced from the house bright and early, waiting in front of the lawyer’s office with a spring in my step because it was the beginning of my new life of freedom. He seemed a bit shocked to see me there so early, but said nothing as he led me into his office and asked me to sit in a chair in front of his desk. I watched as he left the room for a moment, hoping and praying that he hadn’t gone and called my family, relieved beyond belief when he returned a few moments later with a guitar case in one hand and an envelope in his other. It turned out that my father had left me an extremely rare vintage guitar that the lawyer assured was worth a lot of money. I didn’t care about that though because it was beautiful and the only real thing I had left of the father that meant everything to me and made me into the person I had become. I remembered my father playing it from time to time, but my brother and I were never allowed to touch it. I hadn’t even realized he had put an envelope in front of me as I stroked the beautiful instrument, tears glistening in my eyes at how happy I was to inherit it. Clearing his throat he drew my attention from the guitar, sliding the envelope even closer to me. My breath caught in my throat as I took the envelope, opening it slowly as I hoped and prayed that there was at least enough money in it to get me to California and enough left to pay Adam the first months rent I had promised him. It wasn’t a whole lot, just a couple of thousand dollars, but to me it was a king’s ransom because it was my ticket out of the hell I had been living in. I thanked the lawyer for his help, shaking his hand repeatedly before I ran for the bus station. Three hours later I had boarded the bus and was well on my way towards California and my new life.

Chapter Two

That first week there I pretty much did nothing but sleep. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I just couldn’t seem to sleep enough to catch up. I would see Adam occasionally on my bathroom breaks and trips to the kitchen, but no words were ever exchanged as I stumbled my way back to bed. I probably would have pretty much done the same thing the second week, but Adam had other ideas as I stumbled back from the bathroom we shared late one evening “Are you ever going to stop sleeping and get a fucking job?” He asked arms across his chest as he leaned against the wall of our tiny kitchen. I couldn’t speak at first because no one, not even my horrible Aunt and Uncle had ever spoken to me like that. They treated me like shit, mentally abused me in making me think that I was not worth loving, but they always did it with an edge of kindness to their voice that made it seem like they cared. Adam was just angry, you could read the frustration on his face and he didn’t even think about holding back any of that anger towards his new roommate. “You’ve been here for a week and you’ve done nothing but sleep, eat and shit. If you think for one moment that you’re going to be freeloading off of me then you better think again asshole”

“Jesus Christ Adam, calm down” I heard a voice cry out from the living area, a beautiful looking man walking into the hallway where I stood. He was tall, with dark features and he seemed to have a glow about him that I felt drawn to immediately. “Hey…I’m Cassidy, but all my friends just call me Cass” He held out his hand to me, a real smile on his face that caused me to smile for the first time since entering California.

“Kris…” I replied, shaking his hand quickly because I felt dowdy and ugly compared to the fashionable dressed beauty.

“And I’m Adam, now can we finish our conversation” Adam mocked, causing the two of us to look up at him as he continued to lean against the wall.

“You’ll have to excuse Adam” Cassidy said with a wink, ignoring Adam as he took my hand and led me into the sparsely decorated living room. “He and the new boyfriend had another falling out and he’s a bit testy. I was expecting this night to be nothing but Adam bitching and moaning about Brad and his evil ways, but you were unexpected and I’m actually glad that I came now” His words made me blush as he sat down on the couch, tugging the hand he still held until I sat down beside him. “You didn’t tell me your new roommate was so cute” He glanced over at Adam before turning his smiling face back to me. “Are all the gay boys this cute in Arkansas?”

“I don’t know. I never knew any gay boys in Arkansas” I replied truthfully, not understanding the look that both he and Adam shot me before bursting into laughter. I hadn’t ever told anyone back home that I was gay, unsure of how they would react. Truth be told I had hardly admitted it to myself after being taught that homosexuality was wrong and that I would burn in hell if I was gay. Deep within my heart though I knew that I was and had made a vow to myself that once I got settled into my new life that I was going to explore that side of myself as well. I longed to find love and happiness and hoped and prayed that somewhere in my new journey that it would come along and I would find a man to love and accept me just for being me.

“Oh my god you are too precious” Cassidy laughed even louder before leaning over and hugging me quickly. I didn’t know what they found so funny, so I just laughed along with them at least glad that Adam seemed to not want to ream me a new one any longer. “He’s really cute. Can we keep him?” He asked Adam, winking at me with a smile.

“Not unless he gets a job” Adam returned, but there was still laughter in his voice.

“I’ll look for a job tomorrow” I promised and I meant it because I really liked Cassidy and found myself wanting to get to know him better.

It turned out that finding a job was harder then I expected it to be. The truth was that I didn’t have any experience for most of the jobs out there, and for the ones that required almost no experience there were dozens of other trying to find work as well. I searched every day for weeks with no luck and with each day that passed, Adam grew nastier until we were hardly talking to each other again and when we did it wasn’t pretty. What was left of my money was dwindling down and my nerves were shot. I had no idea how I was going to come up with the money that was needed for the rent or what I was going to do if Adam kept good on his threats and kicked my ass out on the curb. My only highlight was Cassidy who would stop by and see Adam a couple of times a week. He always put a smile on my face and made me forget about my troubles while he was there, but the moment he left I found myself falling back into what could only be called a depression.

Another week passed and I had twenty dollars left from my inheritance. I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was about to be homeless since rent was due in two more weeks and I still hadn’t found a job. I was lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself as I tried to figure out what I had done to make god hate me so much, when Cassidy rushed into the apartment screaming my name. “Kris…where the fuck are you?” He screamed louder when he didn’t find me in my room or the kitchen.

“Right behind you” I said from my place on the couch, having to giggle a bit at the overdramatic scream I heard coming from him when he turned around and found me there.

“Jesus…are you trying to give me a heart attack?” He cried out, not giving me a chance to reply as he rushed over towards me, jerking me off of the couch and shoving me towards my bedroom. “Get dressed” He ordered, pushing me into the small room, grabbing onto me when he pushed too hard and I almost tripped over the mattress on the floor. “Come on get dressed” He yelled, waving his hands in the air as I continued to stand in front of him, unmoving, unspeaking because I had no idea what I was getting dressed for. “I found you a job” His voice grew louder as he reached forward and plucked my threadbare t-shirt from my body.

“Wait….what?” I finally spoke, pushing his hands away when he started working on my pajama bottoms. “You found me a job? Where?” I really didn’t care where it was as I ran to my closet and pulled out the only good pair of pants that I had. “Um…privacy” I blushed when he continued to stand off to the side of the room, looking me up and down.

“I found you a job, the least you can do is let me have a little show” He winked at me and I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not and quickly found that I didn’t care as I stepped out of my bottoms and pulled on the other pair of pants. “Jesus…if I knew you had a body like that I would have made sure that it was something that didn’t require clothing” Again I couldn’t tell if he was kidding or not as I pulled a white button up shirt from off of another hanger and put it on.

“Will this work?” I asked, holding my arms out so he could take a good look at me. “It’s actually all I have” I blushed hating that I was so poor that I couldn’t even afford any really nice clothing to wear.

“It’s perfect” He replied with a smile, but I knew he was lying. “Come on, Jack’s waiting for us” Grabbing my hand he literally jerked me ten blocks until we were standing in front of a shabby looking building. “It’s not the best job in the world, but the pay is pretty good and Jack is really desperate” He explained to me as he continued to hold my hand as we walked into the building. “Jack” He cried out as I eyed what appeared to be a bar, or club or maybe both. I had never been in either so I wasn’t sure. “Hey…” He cried out as a balding man in what appeared to be a leisure suit stepped out from behind the bar. “Kris Allen…Jack Hanson” He introduced us, finally letting go of my hand so I could reach out and shake the other mans hand.

“Nice to meet you” I smiled at him, looking at Cassidy when all I got in reply was a lustful leer as he looked me up and down.

“It’s ok” Cassidy mouthed with a smile, one that I was sure was supposed to set me at ease, but really didn’t as I looked back at Jack and found him still ogling me. I had no idea what Jack had in mind for me in terms of a job, but at the way he was looking at me I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to like it.

I was just about to leave when he snapped out of his staring at me, finally looking me in the eyes. “What a shame. You sure he doesn’t want to dance?” He asked Cassidy, ignoring me as if I didn’t have the function to speak, and the truth was he wouldn’t have been far off from the truth.

“I already told you no” Cassidy glared at him, placing his arm around my shoulder before pulling me closer into the side of his body. “You said you needed a handyman and part time waiter and that is what he is here for”

“But he can make double the money if he dances” Jack spoke up, eying me up and down once again in a way that made me want to vomit.

“I said NO” Cassidy growled, his body tense as he shoved me back some as if trying to protect me. I knew he was only looking out for me and yet for some reason it totally pissed me off.

“Why don’t you look in my eyes and talk to me” I snapped in front of Jack’s face, not caring in the least if I got the job as I stepped away from Cassidy, crossing my arms over my chest. “You have a job for a handy man or waiter…fine because I can do both” I continued to speak loudly, shooting Cassidy a look that dared him to speak a word. “I’m a hard worker and I’m never late. I have good work ethic, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to let anyone walk all over me and as for dancing, if that is what you dragged me down here for then you wasted everyone’s time” They both just stared at me for several moments before he told me I was hired and would start tomorrow before dismissing me with a wave of his hand. I was so stunned that I finally had a job that I hadn’t even noticed Cassidy had dragged me out into the warm sunlight once again. “I have a job” I said slowly as it started to sink in. “I have a job” I said a bit louder, jumping up and down in excitement.

“You have a job baby” Cassidy starting jumping up and down with me, grinning like a fool until we were both too winded to do so anymore.

“I don’t have any idea how I can repay you” I rushed out, leaning against the side of the building for support.

“Well I could go for another strip show once we get back to your place” He said with a playful smile, but I could see that he actually meant those words as he placed his hands flat against the wall, over my shoulders as he stared down at me. “Or maybe just a little kiss” He smiled again, mischief in his eyes as he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine before I had a chance to speak. “Oh shit…you’ve never kissed a man before” He spoke softly as I looked up at him with eyes that felt as huge as saucers.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before” I found myself saying before I could stop myself and yet I knew that Cassidy wouldn’t judge me.

“You really are too precious” He smiled at me before cupping the side of my face with his hand and kissing me once again. It didn’t last long, but it was enough to make me feel loopy and unbalanced as he once again took my hand and dragged me back to my apartment. I still don’t know how it happened, but before I knew what was going on, I found myself sprawled out under him on my bed, getting kissed in a way that I had only dreamed about. Cassidy was an amazing kisser and quickly helped me get over my shyness as I learned how to be an amazing kisser too. We were too wrapped up in our lesson to hear my bedroom door open, but the gasp of shock echoed loudly around the tiny room as we both pulled back enough to look over and find Adam standing there.

“He found a job, he starts tomorrow and now we get to keep him” Cassidy winked at Adam before pushing me back under him when I tried to get up, kissing me wild and dirtily without consideration that Adam was still in the room. I tried to push him away, but I couldn’t help but fall back into the scent and taste of Cassidy that surrounded me. I found myself starting to fall for him right then, images of romance and love clouding my kiss induced brain. Cassidy quickly popped those bubbles much later when he prepared to leave, straightening out his ragged and wrinkled clothes. “Look Kris…tonight was fun and I’m happy you got the job, but were just friends ok. I can’t be anything more” I nodded yes quickly, hoping and praying that he couldn’t see the hurt that was invading my heart as he headed towards the door. “Fuck…you’re a good kisser though” He beamed at me, coming back over towards the bed before leaning down to kiss me once again. “Good luck tomorrow” He winked at me before exiting the room and leaving me alone to try and figure out what the hell had just happened.

“He doesn’t do boyfriends you know” I heard Adam say an hour later as I left my room and went in search for something to eat.

“I know” I replied, trying to hide the hurt still worming a hole in my heart.

“Well don’t come crying to me when your little heart gets broken” His words were snooty and cold and only served to piss me off in a way that I hadn’t ever felt before. I didn’t know what it was about me that only seemed to piss and rile him up and at that time I didn’t care as I turned to face him.

“I wouldn’t come to you if my entire body was on fire and you were the only one holding a fire extinguisher” I yelled at him, forgetting all about my hunger as I stormed back into my room, slamming the door loudly behind me.

Chapter Three

Working at the club was long and tiring work, but it was work and the pay was ok so I didn’t complain much. There was always something to fix or clean and by the time I got home I was too exhausted to care about anything but my bed and sleep. Adam still wasn’t really speaking to me and on a daily basis I questioned myself as to why I was still living there. Cassidy stopped by every now and again acting as if everything was great between us. I’d speak to him from time to time, but stopped going out of my way to spend time with him because my feelings were still hurt and I was too fucking exhausted to care most times. I could see by the look on his face that he could tell I was kind of avoiding him, but he never said a word and continued to pretend that all was right with the world. Several weeks after I began working at the club, he, Adam and their friends started hanging out there. I didn’t know why because honestly it was a pretty skanky joint, but it paid that bills and that was all that mattered. Thankfully, I didn’t have time to hang out or talk to them as I rushed about doing the long list of duties that Jack had for me each time I worked and yet I always felt as if Cassidy was watching me. However, I didn’t harp on it because he had hurt my feelings once and I was not going to give him the chance to do it again.

I started making friends with some of the other staff members, in particular an extremely good looking guy named Corey who made it very clear that he was interested in me. We hung out every now and then, but I always kept his advances at bay. I wasn’t sure why because honestly he was pretty hot, but I kept telling myself I wasn’t ready for anything more at that time, although I know within my heart it was because I was still caught up on Cassidy. Adam and Cassidy hated him from the first time they met him, letting me know in no uncertain terms that he was bad for me, that he was going to hurt me and it only served to piss me off because what the hell did they care. It confused me beyond belief because Cassidy had made it clear that he wanted nothing more then friendship and Adam for some strange reason just plain fucking hated me. I ignored their advice, more out of spite then anything and allowed Corey to take me out one night. We went to dinner, watched a really horrible movie and somehow ended back at the club we worked at. We started drinking and before I knew it I was completely trashed and bumping and grinding all over him on the dance floor. I was drunk and I was horny and I didn’t care what my reasons for holding him back before had been because I was ready to get laid, and as far as I was concerned nothing was getting in my way of that.

Adam and his friends were there and once again I could literally feel Cassidy’s eyes on me as I continued to hump Corey on the dance floor. His hands were everywhere, but mine weren’t idle either as I touched him wherever I could as we continued to dance. “I want to fuck you” I heard him growl loudly against my ear as one of his hands cupped my ragingly hard cock through my jeans. I’d never had sex before, but I was more then ready to lose my virginity even if it was with someone that I truly didn’t have any feelings for. I was drunk and my inhibitions were non existent as I gave him a playful smile before leaning up to kiss him. That kiss never came as I felt a rush of air surround me, my feet moving so quickly without my consent that I found myself almost hitting the floor before being jerked up and dragged onward. I had no idea what was going on until I found myself outside in the cooling night air, my back pushed up against the brick wall and a fuming Cassidy standing before me.

“What the hell are you doing?” He yelled at me, his face red and eyes huge as he continued to tower over me. I felt ashamed for a moment, but then my own anger kicked in as I pushed him away and attempted to go back into the club, shocked that Corey hadn’t come out after me. “I don’t think so” He snided as he once again grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. I tried to push him away once again, but I didn’t try very hard when I felt his lips on mine and his tongue shoved roughly into my mouth. I gave into the kiss fully, enjoying the way that he seemed to be dominating me. “Fuck…you’re such a good kisser” He moaned against my lips after we were forced to pull away in order to breath. I wanted to return the compliment, but at that very moment my stomach decided to speak for me as I leaned off to the side and proceeded to vomit all over the side of the wall. I was horrified beyond belief, but too shaky and ill feeling to care as I wrapped my arms around my stomach and just looked up at him with sad eyes. “You really are too precious” He smiled down at me, kissing my forehead before taking my hand and leading me away from the club and the mess I had made.

I puked two more times on the way to his apartment, ready to cry at just how stupid I felt and knowing that Cassidy was only taking care of me out of pity. No words were spoken as he led me into his place, walking me straight into the bathroom where he quickly removed my clothes, helping me into the shower. I wanted to curl into a ball and die as he washed me quickly from outside the stall, before assisting me out and wrapping me in a towel. “I’m sorry” I murmured, not caring that I was a naked and wet mess as I stumbled forward into his arms, closing my eyes as they wrapped tightly around me.

“I’ve seen worse. You forget that I’m friends with Adam” He chuckled against my wet hair, kissing the side of my head as he maneuvered us towards the sink. “Lets get those teeth brushed and then get some water in you and then you can sleep it off” I tried to fight him, but the words wouldn’t come as I took the toothbrush he handed me, brushing my teeth with as much energy as I could. “Come on baby” I heard him say as I rinsed my mouth, following him into his bedroom when he took my hand. “Put these on” He held out a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt towards me as I did what he said, not caring that he was watching me the entire time. “Lie down and sleep. We can talk when you wake up” He went on once I as dressed. I wanted to argue and beg him to lie down with me, but again the words wouldn’t come as I fumbled my way under the covers, closing my eyes and shutting out the world and the stupidity that had ended up being my night. I didn’t know how long I was out, but when I woke up I had the headache from hell as I found Cassidy sitting at the edge of the bed just looking at me. “You really are lost aren’t you?” He asked and as much as I wanted to agree whole heartedly, I found myself unnerved and upset at the words.

“I’m not lost” I croaked, closing my eyes and wishing that someone would stop the hundred pound bowling ball from rolling back and forth in my head.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of” He said, still sitting there watching me. “I guess that were all lost in a way” I didn’t know what he meant and I didn’t care as I rolled over, closed my eyes and fell back to sleep. When I woke up I found him sitting in the same position, just staring at me with a look on his face that I couldn’t quite make out. I was starting to get very uncomfortable at the way he continued to gaze at me as I sat up and began to look around the room.

“You live in a loft?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid question, but trying to get him to do anything but sit there and stare at me.

“I know you’re feeling lost Kris and…” He started up again his eyes boring into my own.

“I’m not fucking lost” I cried out, closing my eyes for a moment and willing away the monster headache still pounding within my brain. “I’m not lost” I repeated a bit softer, pulling my knees up until I was sitting Indian style. “I have a plan, a path” I began to explain, my breath hitching a bit as the image of my lost family wafted across my mind. “I came to California to pursue something that at one time used to mean everything to me. I lost it for a while and I know that it won’t be easy, but I know that one day I will make it in the music industry and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen”

“That’s the dream for all of us” Cassidy sighed still watching me closely. “We all want the fame and the glory”

“I don’t want fame and glory. I only want to make enough money to live my life and to be able to play for anyone that is willing to listen to me” I replied, staring back at him as if to prove my words true because I could tell that he didn’t believe me.

“Wanting fame and glory isn’t a bad thing Kris” He said, breaking eyes contact with me for a moment as he got on his knees and crawled over towards me. I didn’t say anything when he laid down on his side next to me, tugging me backwards until I was facing him, lying on my side as well.

“I know” I smiled softly at him, curling my hands under my chin as we just looked at each other. “But I’m a realist and I’ll take what I can get. I just want to play my music, find someone to share my life with and just be happy”

“I don’t do boyfriends” He said next, his brown eyes locked on mine once again.

“I know” I replied, recalling Adam’s words after that first night Cassidy and I had made out in my room.

“I don’t do boyfriends” He repeated, something that looked like fear flashing across his face as he said it. “But then you came along and fucked everything up” I didn’t know how to respond to that and so I said nothing and waited to see if he was going to speak again. “I kept telling myself that I just wanted to be your friend, but then I kissed you that night against that wall and then in your room and then shit…everything that I ever held close to me in terms of love and dating flew out the window. I didn’t want to leave you that night. You have no idea how much I wanted to stay there with you on that mattress kissing you, making love to you”

“Then why didn’t you because you had to know I wanted that too” I asked, wondering what or who it was that had hurt Cassidy so badly that he didn’t want to pursue love when it was something that I hoped and prayed for daily.

“You’re young and naive and so fucking cute” He smiled reaching out and tracing my lips with the tip of his finger “I wanted you from the moment I saw you that night with Adam. I’ve never been drawn to anyone like this before and it scared me and as much as I wanted to push you away, I found that I would do just about anything to keep you close, yet far enough that I wouldn’t fall for you and get hurt in the process. It didn’t work though” He shrugged with a fearfully sad smile on his handsome face.

“Cassidy…I like you and I know that I’m naïve when it comes to being with a man or even a relationship for that matter, but I’m not afraid” I assured, wrapping my hand gently around his wrist as I kissed his fingertips. “It’s something that I’ve wanted since as long as I can remember”

“I’m petrified” He rushed out, pulling his hand away before rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. “You fucking terrify me Kris” And I could hear the terror in his voice but I didn’t say anything as I laid on my back as well, staring up at the ceiling just waiting for him to tell me why. “I’ve only ever been in love once and he hurt me so fucking bad that I didn’t think I would ever recover from it. Adam was the one that was there for me and forced me to pull myself back together when I had finally hit rock bottom” I found it hard to believe that asshole Adam was that giving and understanding, but I didn’t voice my opinion and just continued to listen. “Adam really is a great guy” He said as if reading my thoughts as he looked over at me briefly before turning his attention back towards the ceiling. “There’s just something about you Kris that sucks me in and makes me want to take a chance again and then…” He didn’t finish, a few tears sliding backwards down his cheek. “I just can’t get hurt like that again. I don’t think that I would recover another time”

“I can’t guarantee that I won’t ever hurt you Cassidy, but you can best bet that I will do everything in my power to try not to. I’m human. I make mistakes and trust me when I tell you that I know what it’s like to be devastated by the loss of love and the betrayal of people who are supposed to love and care for you” I knew he had no idea what I was talking about but I was beyond talking at the lump in my throat.

“Who hurt you baby?” He asked, the concern in his watery eyes causing me to tear up on my own as he forgot about his own heartbreak and focused on mine instead.

“I can’t talk about it…not now” I sobbed, reaching out and locking my arms around his neck because I just needed to feel him close to me. We just held each other for the longest time, the silence somewhat uncomfortable, but not enough that either of us wanted to let go.

“Just don’t hurt me Kris” I heard him whisper against my ear sometime later as he pulled back to look into my eyes. “Just promise me that you will do everything in your power not to hurt me and I promise to do that same to you”

“You have my promise” I whispered back, leaning forward and covering his lips with my own. He was hesitant at first, but within a few moments he returned the kiss with a little more passion. We shared kisses most of the morning, breaking apart several hours later to eat something before rushing back to his bedroom for more making out. I lost my virginity to Cassidy later that night, clinging to him afterwards as if my life depended on it when the emotions of the night got to be too much for me to handle. He didn’t say anything, just held me tight until I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning he was talking on the phone with someone, but I didn’t pay much attention as I got up and headed towards the bathroom.

“How are you feeling?” He asked with a chuckled as I came back into the room, wincing slightly as I sat on the bed.

“Well let’s just say that as much as I enjoyed last night. I don’t think that my ass could handle having your dick in it today” I smiled back, not liking the gleam I saw in his eyes as he pounced on top of me. “No…no…seriously I won’t be sitting for days” I cried out overdramatically, not meaning a word of it because the truth was that there was nothing more that I wanted then to have Cassidy make love to me again.

“I’ll make you feel real good precious” He growled playfully against my ear and all my defenses, real or not fell at the wayside as I spread my legs open wide and willed him to do anything he wanted to do to me.

“How is it that you met Adam?” I asked several hours later, lying on my stomach on the bed because my rear end was just too painful to lie or sit on.

“We met at a club” He replied, lying in front of me across the bed. “He was drunk and slammed into me on the dance floor. The guy I was dancing with was ready to beat his ass, but as I looked at him I could tell by his eyes that there was a reason he was so drunk. I left the guy on the dance floor, taking Adam outside for some fresh air and a chance to talk if he wanted that. Turns out he had just come out to his family and friends and although some of them accepted his lifestyle, some of them didn’t and it hurt him deeply. You should have seen him then” He chuckled, deep in thought as he continued with his story. “He had red hair, freckles and was a bit on the heavy side. I knew that we were going to be great friends that first night and I was right. Jesus, it’s been almost ten years now” He smiled looking over at me. “I know you think he’s a jerk and there is no denying that he can be a bit of an ass, but he really is a great guy once you get to know him”

“I don’t have a problem getting to know him…it’s him that doesn’t want to get to know me” I responded, willing away the unhappy feelings I had towards Adam because I only wanted to bask in the happy ones with Cassidy.

“He has his reasons for acting the way that he does, but believe me when I tell you that Adam likes you” He assured me, but I still didn’t believe him. “You want to make friends with him then buy him something gooey and chocolaty, trust me he’ll love you forever. That kid has a sweet tooth unlike anything I have ever seen before” A strange look crossed his face as he said those words, but I didn’t have a chance to ask him about it as he leaned forward and kissed me until I could hardly remember my name.

Hours later, after leaving Cassidy’s loft, I found myself standing in front of a bakery on my way home. I didn’t have much money, but I thought that maybe Cassidy was right and a peace offering of sorts might come in handy. I was tired of arguing with Adam and really did find myself wanting to get to know more about him, but he always was so mean and held me at arms length. Everything looked delicious and smelled amazing as I looked at all the tasty treats in front of me. I couldn’t believe the prices for even just the smallest cupcake, already giving in on the idea until I spied a table covered with a few items. The sign read day old items, half price and right there in front of me sat a half of some sort of chocolate cake. I hated that it was old and on sale, but hoped that Adam had such a sweet tooth that he truly wouldn’t care.

Chapter Four

“Hey…” I said to him as I entered our apartment, holding my ware out towards his confused face.

“What’s that?” He asked, staring at the bag as if he expected it to explode or something.

“A peace offering or something like that” I replied, pulling the bag back and removing what was inside. “Look” I continued, sitting down beside him, noticing that his eyes were locked on the half a cake sitting in my lap. “I don’t know why we started off on the wrong foot, but it seems we have. I don’t want to argue and fight anymore and I thought that we could maybe start over”

“Is that chocolate cake from the bakery down the street?” He asked, looking up at me briefly before turning his attention back towards the cake.

“Well, it’s a day old, but it’s all that I could afford” I dropped my head in shame.

“Adam Lambert…nice to meet you” I heard him say, shoving his hand into mine before he took the cake from me and ran into the kitchen. I was kind of at a loss for words as I heard him fumbling around behind me, a smile lighting up my face when he came back in with two huge chunks of cake on mismatched plates. I didn’t know why, but I knew things between Adam and I were going to be alright after that. We talked long into the night until we both had to go to bed or we’d be late for our day jobs the next morning.

My life took such a dramatic turn after that. Adam and I became great friends and I learned that he did have a soft side, one that I loved dearly. Cassidy was the perfect boyfriend, falling into the roll rather easily despite the way that he fought me before hand. I still had my job at the club, working as many hours as I could in order to pay the rent and keep food in my stomach. The truth was that the three of us were struggling constantly day to day, but none of that mattered to me because I hadn’t ever been so happy in my life. I had decided to put off working on my music for a bit in order to support Adam and Cassidy who were also working on theirs. Once a week they sang at this shitty dive in a bad part of town, but they were sharing their music and it was a start. Their music was different as night and day and yet I loved listening to both of them when they were on stage, often helping both with their arrangements when they weren’t.

Several months into our relationship, Cassidy was invited to play at a gay pride rally in Florida. He had several friends who lived down there and had pulled enough stings to get him booked. I was overjoyed and saddened because as much as he begged and pleaded for me to go with him, with work I couldn’t and yet I knew the exposure in another state was exactly what his career needed. I had tried ask for the time off, but my boss had told me in no uncertain terms that if I left then my job wouldn’t be there when I got back. It was a shit job and I seriously thought about quitting, but the fear of starting all over again and looking for a new one stopped me. Cassidy said that he understood, but I could tell that it really bothered him as we made love before he left for his flight for a whole week of singing and fun in the sun. Before he left Adam had assured him that he would take care of me, not that I needed taking care of, but the look on Cassidy’s face looked haunted, almost scared before he nodded and took my hand. “I’m going to miss you so much” I sighed sadly against his neck as we stood outside my apartment building saying our goodbyes.

“I love you Kris” Was his reply, my eyes almost popping out of my head as I pulled back and looked at him. “I just wanted you to know that before I left”

I couldn’t stop smiling as I leaned up and kissed him passionately. “I love you too” I returned the sentiment against his lips before kissing him all over again. We made out for a few minutes on the stoop, eventually being forced apart by a honking cab behind us.

“I love you” He cried out as he walked backwards towards the cab, smiling at me before rushing back over and kissing me good and hard once again. “I really fucking love you” He stated again his beautiful smile even larger, tripping over his own feet as he started walking backwards once again.

“I love you too, now get going before you break your neck” I beamed at him, watching him get smaller and smaller the farther the cab drove away.

That week was the longest week of my life, but thankfully I had Adam to keep me company and during the course of that week we got to know each other a little bit more. I missed Cassidy so much and longed to talk to him constantly, but he was always busy and since neither of us could afford cell phones it just wasn’t possible. I felt sad and lonely as I sat on the couch one night on one of my few days off, Adam off on a date with his boyfriend Brad. I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself as I missed Cassidy alone in my dark apartment; but that all changed the moment Adam stumbled through the door. I could tell that he was drunk the moment that he came in by the way he tripped and fumbled over his own feet, the strong smell of alcohol wafting across the room towards me. He didn’t say anything as he slumped against the wall behind him, locking red and tearful eyes on mine from across the room. “He cheated on me” He finally spoke four words that caused my heart to freeze as he slide to the floor, curling over his long legs before falling completely apart.

I was over the back of the couch and holding Adam in my arms without evening thinking about it, my heart breaking at the broken sobs I heard coming from him. “I’m so sorry Adam” I murmured against his ear, holding him even tighter when he wrapped his arms around my waist and crushed his head into my stomach.

“Why?” He asked. “Why would he do that to me?” He asked again and I had no answer for him because the truth was I didn’t really know Brad but from what I had heard from Cassidy and some of their others friends it had been coming for a while. In my own personal opinion, one that I would never share with Adam was that Brad was never good enough for him. The few times that I did see them together they always seemed to be surrounded by drama and I couldn’t recall Adam ever truly looking happy when they were together. I found myself comparing their relationship to the one between Cassidy and I and it made me sad because I knew how much Adam loved Brad and yet it wasn’t enough to make it work. Love takes two and with Cassidy I had that, the relationship between Brad and Adam always seemed once sided and that only made me hurt more for the man I still held in my arms.

“I don’t know, but I’m here now and I’m going to take care of you” I promised, struggling to get him off of the floor since he weighed more then I did, but finally managing. “Lets get you to bed and then I will bring you something for that raging hangover you’re going to have tomorrow”

“Why Kristopher, what will Cassidy have to say” I heard him slur against my ear, arm around my shoulder, hanging on as if for dear life. “Don’t care anyway because he broke the rule” He continued to mutter, not making any sense to me as he fell onto his bed in a heap of mangled arms and legs.

“What rule?” I asked, turning him onto his stomach in case he decided to vomit later in the night, but I didn’t get an answer as he hide his face in the pillow and began to snore loudly.

I didn’t see Adam the next morning as I got up and prepared for work, but I found him huddled up under a blanket on the couch later that night when I got home. “How are you feeling?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen, preparing another chocolate day old goodie from what was quickly becoming my favorite bakery. He still hadn’t answered me when I walked back into the living area with two chocolate cupcakes in my hands. He didn’t say anything as he first looked at the cupcakes, then my face before bursting into tears once again. I found myself in the same stance as the previous night as I fell onto the couch next to him and held him while he cried out the contents of his broken heart.

“You keep buying me chocolate and you’re going to make me fat” He sniffled against my arm sometime later as we laid side by side on the couch, our feet sitting on the crappy piece of wood we called a coffee table.

“You’ll only dance it off later” I smiled at him, watching as he shoved half the cupcake in his mouth before eyeing mine. “No…” I said, holding the tasty treat away from him, fully intending to let him have it regardless but tying to make him smile at least a little bit. “Ok…fine” I laughed at the puppy dog stare with full pout I got in return. “Saved by the bell” I laughed again, handing him my cake as I raced for the phone. “Hello…” I giggled as I watched Adam pretty much shove the entire thing in his mouth that time.

“Collect call from Cassidy Haley. Will you accept the charges” I heard an operator speak through the phone, my heart beating a mile a minute as a smile spread across my face.

“Yes, of course” I cried out without thinking, not sure where I was going to get the extra money to pay for the charges. I didn’t care though because I was willing to work a few extra hours at the club if it meant that I got to talk to the man that I loved. “Cassidy…hey are you there?” I cried out happily, watching as a heart wrenching look crossed Adam’s face before he left the room altogether.

“Hey Precious” I heard my boyfriend say causing me to forget about Adam for a moment as I closed my eyes and relished the sound of his voice. “Man, I miss you so much baby”

“I miss you too” I grinned into the phone. “I can’t wait to see you day after tomorrow”

“That’s actually why I’m calling you” He replied slowly, my heart diving into my stomach at the tone used. “My friends were actually able to book me at another gay pride rally. So I won’t actually be home for another week”

“That’s great Cass” I tried to sound happy for him, but I knew I was far from the mark as I sat down on the floor, cradling the phone against my ear.

“I won’t do it if you don’t want me to” He said and I knew he meant it, which made me feel like a complete ass because he was doing what he loved to do and getting the word out there about his music. “I still have my plane ticket and I can…”

“No…really…it’s ok” I assured, patting myself mentally on the back for sounding a bit more excited for him. “I think that it’s great that you’re able to get your music out there. I just miss you” My voice lowered as I spoke those words, willing away the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.

“Jesus Kris…I love and miss you so much” I could tell he meant those words and it caused me to smile for real because I could never get tired of hearing the sentiment.

“I love you too” I watched as Adam walked towards the kitchen, looking at me with a look of shock on his face before turning around and heading into his bedroom.

“I won’t keep you on the phone long, but I just wanted to hear your voice and let you know about the change in plans. Everything ok over there. Adam’s not giving you anymore shit is he?” I could hear the laughter in his voice and yet it sounded sort of fake to me.

“Brad cheated on him and they broke up” I told him the sad news, getting concerned when the line seemed to go dead. “Cass…you still there?” I asked, hoping that I hadn’t lost the call because our phone was a piece of shit that didn’t have a caller id on it.

“I’m here baby. Is he ok?” That same fake tone was back, causing me to wonder what it meant, but I brushed it aside because I didn’t want to harp on it or Adam’s problems at that moment in time.

“He’s hurt, but I’m here to help him through it”

“That’s my precious…heart of gold and all” He sounded sad then, confusing me even more.

“Cassidy is everything ok?” I asked in concern.

“I just miss you so much” He repeated his earlier words, causing those damn tears to burn my eyes once again. “Maybe I should just come home. I miss you and Adam needs me”

“You’ll do no such thing” I scolded him, once again patting myself on the back for being a great boyfriend. “You go to that pride rally and you kick some ass. You show those Florida boys what you are made of onstage and then you come back home and show me what you’re made of in bed” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sharp intake of breath I heard across the line, my own breath growing ragged as I thought back to some of the times the two of us had made love before he left. “I love you Cass and I can’t wait for you to come home. Talk to you soon” I hated to end the call, but I knew I was pushing well past working just a couple of hours to pay for that phone call.

Hanging up the phone, I walked into Adam’s room, sitting on the side of the bed as he laid across the middle of it. “You’re in love?” He asked, tears ghosting slowly down his face and yet something told me that it wasn’t because of his break up with Brad.

“Yeah…” I smiled, unable to stop myself despite the pain I saw right in front of me.

“Night Kris” He said slowly as he rolled onto his side, dismissing me without even saying a word.

“Night Adam” I responded, watching him for a few seconds from the doorway before I trudged off to me own room.

Chapter Five

I had asked for extra hours at work and Jack was more then happy to give them to me and before I knew it the week was over with just one more day until Cassidy came home. I found myself humming a tune that had lodged itself within my head on my way home, planning to put lyrics to it later that night as I counted the hours before I would see him again. I knew something was wrong the moment I entered the apartment, Adam holding a piece of paper out to me as I entered. “Cassidy just called. I was going to leave you a note” He said slowly, avoiding my eyes as I took the paper and looked at it.

“Cass called. Booked another gig. Having a blast, but misses you. Will be home soon” I read, crumpling it up and tossing it across the room as anger bubbled up inside of me. “And let me guess he called collect again because lord knows I haven’t been putting in enough extra hours to pay for the last set of fucking charges” Adam didn’t say anything, just stared at me as if he didn’t even know who I was and yet I didn’t care. “I’m sorry” I rushed out, the anger deflating as quickly as it came as I fell onto our ratty couch and tried to control the lonely tears that pricked my eyes. “I’m just being a jerk and such a shitty boyfriend by not being supportive”

“You just miss him…I understand that” Adam sat down next to me, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“How long is he gone for?” I asked, biting my lip in order to hide the quiver there.

“Two weeks” He replied, squeezing my hand once again as I stared straight ahead in an attempt to hide my tears. “You know what. I’ve got some extra money in my paycheck this week. Why don’t I go down to the bakery and get us something extra chocolaty and then we can just hang out and talk about how crappy boys are” I could hear the laughter and playfulness in his voice and it caused me to smile just a little.

“I’m ok…save your money” I finally looked at him, turning my hand around in his hand and giving it a squeeze that time. “Don’t waste it one me”

“When it comes to you its anything but wasted” He said, his eyes looking deeply into my own before he jumped up off of the couch and rushed for the door. “Be back in a flash” He smiled at me before he disappeared into the hallway. I couldn’t stop thinking about that look as I continued to sit on the couch, because if I didn’t know any better I would have sworn that it was the same look of love that I always saw when Cassidy looked at me. I knew I had to be wrong as I brushed it away, curling up into a ball and falling asleep almost as soon as I closed my eyes. When I woke up the living room was dark, but I knew Adam was back because I could hear him moving around in the kitchen. “I went to the store instead and got us something better” He smiled as he walked into the room, holding up two large glasses. “I remembered we had some left over alcohol from a party I threw a while back and instead of cake I bought margarita mix” He seemed so excited as he handed me one of the glasses, downing his before I could even raise mine to my lips. “I have more” He said to me with a grin, getting up and rushing into the kitchen, coming back with a pitcher full of the colorful beverage.

“How many of these did you have while I was asleep?” I asked with a laugh as he placed it on the coffee table, falling dramatically onto the couch beside me.

“Only a few sips” He grinned up at me.

“I think maybe more then a few sips” I giggled at the carefree look on his face.

“Probably” He burst out laughing, sitting up and filling his glass before leaning back. “So now you need to catch up” And I did just that until the pitcher was empty and the two of us for some strange reason were lying side by side on the floor. We talked about everything, from his childhood and his coming out, to my Aunt and Uncle and the horrible way they treated me before I high tailed it to California. “What happened to your mom and dad?” He asked, lying so close to me that I could feel the heat from his body against my own. “Kris…you don’t have to tell me” He seemed to panic and I knew it was because of the look of pain on my face and in my eyes. I fought with myself as if I should tell him or not, realizing rather quickly that I wanted him to know despite the fact that my own boyfriend didn’t know yet. “Holy shit…” He cried out once I had told him everything, feeling more sober then I should have been after so many drinks. “That’s why you broke down in tears the minute you entered our apartment”

“Yeah…” I replied, tears trickling down my cheeks. “I felt like I was home for the first time since my family had died” I explained, closing my eyes when Adam reached out and traced one of my tears with the tip of his finger. I had warning bells flaring in my head and yet it didn’t stop me from leaning into the touch, my eyes locked on blue ones staring back at me.

“I hope that you always feel like this is home” Adam said moving that same hand to cup the side of my face, his eyes moving from my eyes to my lips. The warning bells grew louder and yet once again I could stop myself as I licked my lips while still staring at the man in front of me. He took it as an invitation and leaned forward while tugging me towards him with the hand still on the side of my face. I wanted to stop myself, really I did, but all I did was follow his lead until his lips were covering mine and we were kissing as if our lives depended on it. The fact that I totally had a boyfriend fled from my mind as I wound my hands through his dark hair, allowing him to take the lead as he laid me on my back, his body all over mine as he pressed me into the hard floor. “Kris…” He moaned against my lips, his erection hard and pressing against my hip as he rocked his body in rhythm with mine. His kisses were amazing and hot and I wanted so much more because there was a spark, something different, something that I hadn’t ever felt with Cassidy in all the times we had been intimate.

“We can’t” I pushed him away, the fact that I had a loving and sweet boyfriend in my life slapping me right in the face finally. “I can’t” My breathing was ragged and uneven as I wiggled my way from underneath him, walking across the room to put much needed space between us. “Shit…Adam…I’m sorry” I decided to take the full blame, not even wanting to deal with the idea that I wanted nothing more to then follow Adam into his bedroom and have him do all sorts of new and wicked things to my body.

He didn’t say anything for a long time, but his eyes never left mine. I felt as if he was searching my soul with those blue orbs of deepness and so I finally had to close them because it actually hurt my heart to read the confusion and love I found looking back at me. “You felt it too” He finally spoke, my eyes shooting open and finding his once again. “I know you felt it Kris, you eyes tell me everything”

I wanted to lie, but how could I when I knew he would know anyway. “I’m with Cassidy” I pointed out, knowing it was a low blow and hitting the directed mark as Adam finally looked way from me. I actually felt my heart stop beating for a moment at the conflicted and sad look on his face before he looked at me again.

“He broke the rules, but I won’t come between the two of you because I know that he loves you” He said, not even bothering to look at me again as he got up off of the floor and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Chapter Eleven

Over the course of the next week I moved as much as I could into my new place, quickly realizing that I was leaving my old apartment with not much more then I had came with. I only took a few of the things that Adam and I had shared with me, the kitchenware, a few lamps and one old chair we had in the living room. I left everything else, especially the bed that we had shared because it held far too many memories, good and bad. I figured since I wasn’t playing rent to Jack, the money that I saved could be put towards a few pieces of furniture and anything else that I might need. Two weeks later after emptying the last box from my move I found Adam’s letter. I held it in my hand and just stared at it for a long time before I actually opened it up and read the words that made me sad and angry all at one time.

Dear Kris,
You have to believe me when I tell you how sorry I am for taking the coward’s way out. I know that I should be man enough to face you and tell you that I am leaving you, but I can’t. I can’t because it’s nearly killing me to write this to you and I knew that it would have been much worse to try and explain why I have to go face to face. I love you Kris, you have to know that. I’ve been in love with you from the moment that I looked at the picture you sent to me all those years ago. I love everything about you and although you may not believe it now I will go on loving you for the rest of my life. I know that my actions speak otherwise, but those words are true and I hope that one day you will actually be able to find it in your heart to forgive me and believe them.

I’ve been so unhappy with our life this last year and it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. You’ve been amazing and wonderful and I can’t thank you enough to sticking by me when I’ve done nothing but treat you badly. I never deserved that love and support you had for me, but I took it anyway, never once thinking about your feelings or how it was affecting you. I’ve been selfish and mean and yet you always stood by my side and did everything you could to support me and my dream of making music. I want to thank you for that because despite the fact that I rarely ever showed it to you it meant everything to me how much you sacrificed. I hope that one day I can return the favor and support you and be there for you in the way that you deserve. I can’t do that for you now and that’s why I have to leave.

Cassidy found me a job as an understudy in a play. The pay sucks and it’s off Broadway, but it’s a start and something tells me that it is just a matter of time before I get my big break. I’ll come back for you once I do Kris, because no matter what has happened between the two of us I know you are my soul mate and we are meant to be together. I just hope that when that time comes that you are willing to take me back because no matter what I will always believe that we are meant to be together.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me Kris and know that I am doing what is best for the both of us right now, even though it doesn’t feel like it. I won’t ever forget you and I long for the day when we are together again.

All my love, Adam

I couldn’t believe the nerve of Adam as I ripped the paper into shreds, watching through tearful eyes as they flittered towards the floor before running downstairs for a much needed drink. I don’t remember much after that just bits and pieces of Jack yelling at me before dragging me upstairs and then waking up with such a headache the next morning that I wished myself dead over and over again. The letter that I had shredded from Adam earlier that night was gone and as much as I racked my brain I could not for the life of me ever remember cleaning it up in my drunken stupor. I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about it as I pushed the hurt and betrayal so far back into the recesses of my mind, deciding that he wasn’t worth it any longer as I focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I had put first Cassidy and then Adam’s dreams ahead of my own and I was damned determined that I wasn’t ever going to do that again for anyone.

It turned out easier said then done because the moment that I realized that it was time to focus on me and my dreams, I had no idea what they were or how I would pursue them. I knew that I wanted to work on my music, but I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do with it and as quickly as I decided to take my life back into my own hands, I let it go again. Instead, for the next year I worked at the club taking on more and more responsibilities until I knew every little thing there was to know about it, Jack sort of taking me under his wing and becoming somewhat of a father figure to me. I got to meet his partner and spent many a night just hanging out at their home watching TV and pretending that I wasn’t a fall down mess. They both encouraged me to start dating again, but I refused because as far as I was concerned I wasn’t ever going to put my heart on the line for anyone ever again. Instead I fucked my way through too many pretty boys to remember, kicking them to the curb afterwards with no regrets whatsoever. Jack and his partner tried to fix me up on dates constantly and I would go on said date, fuck the man crazy and then leave him in the night. I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t looking for love or companionship, but they refused to give in and so the game continued for many years before Jack got sick and there wasn’t time for games anymore.

“It’s cancer” Paul, Jack’s partner said as we sat in a hospital room waiting for the nurses to bring Jack back after running some tests. “Lymphoma to be exact…inoperable” I had no words as I stared blankly at him trying to come up with at least something to say, but having nothing. “Did he ever tell you about how we met?” He went on undeterred as he reached out and took my hand into his own. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t even know that Jack had a partner until after Adam left me, but I kept my mouth shut and listened. “We met at an open mic night long before you were even born” He winked at me, eyes getting a far away look as he continued with his story. “For me it as love at first sight, but I was with someone else so we just stayed friends for a long time before I couldn’t take it anymore and kissed him” I was starting to get uncomfortable because their story was hitting a little close to home as I got up and moved across the room. “The guy I was dating was just the sweetest man and had become a good friend of Jack’s, but the heart wants what the heart wants and we broke his when we decided that we had to be together” He was looking at me with tears in his eyes but also something else that I chose to ignore. “Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I had to do but it was worth it in the end”

I knew what he was trying to get at and it made me just a little bit angry as I started pacing like mad in front of him. “Yeah…well he never left you in the night with a note telling you that his life, his wants were more important then you” I shot out, picking up a pillow on the other bed in the room and squeezing it in order to hide my shaking hands.

“No…he just left” Paul replied with a sad smile. “We were together for six years before he disappeared into the night and it was another three before I saw him again”

My mouth fell open as I took in the sad imploring eyes looking over at me. “You took him back?” I spoke dumbly because of course he had taken him back since we were sitting in his hospital room.

“The heart wants what the heart wants” He repeated his earlier words. “He came back crawling on his knees and as much as I wanted to make him suffer and bleed for what he had done to me, I couldn’t. I was with someone again, had been for over a year and I just dumped him despite the fact that I knew there was a huge possibility that Jack was going to hurt me again”

“Well it seems that he didn’t” I replied, placing the pillow back on the bed before walking over towards him.

“Oh he did…over and over again” He chuckled sadly, patting the empty chair next to him. “I got the club from him because he got stupid and cheated on me one night”

“Oh my god” I exclaimed, wondering what type of Saint Paul had to be to have taken him back after something like that.

“We got into a fight, he stormed out and got drunk” He waived his hand and shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt like hell when he told me and we did break up for a while, but I knew it was only a matter of time before we were back together again. He’s my soul mate and no matter how hard I tried to get over him it just wasn’t possible. I know you understand Kris and…”

“Adam and I are not you and Jack” I reminded, jumping up off of the chair once again. “I’m happy that you were able to forgive Jack for what he did, but I won’t ever forgive Adam for leaving me the way that he did. I need some air” I ground out, rushing out of the room because I refused to give in or cry in front of Paul. I really hadn’t thought about Adam that much after he had left, pushing the hurt and the pain to the back of my mind because I just didn’t want to deal with it, but Paul was making it almost impossible as I paced back and forth in front of the hospital for a while before going back upstairs to Jack’s room. Thankfully he was back by the time I got there and there was no more talk of Adam, myself and the fucked up relationship that we had once shared. It of course was a different story as Paul and I shared a cab back to their place once visiting hours were over.

“Have you even allowed yourself to grieve over his leaving?” He asked, picking up the conversation as if we had never ended it. “Because the truth is Kris that you won’t be able to truly move on and forgive him until you do”

“What we had is over. There is nothing to grieve about” I supplied stone-faced, refusing to give into the painful ache in my heart as I recalled how wonderful things had been at the beginning between Adam and me.

“You feel like that now but as I’ve told you before the heart wants what the heart wants and no matter how much you try and fight it, if the two of you are meant to be together you will be together” I didn’t respond as I paid the cab driver quickly once we arrived at our destination, helping Paul out of the car before rushing off to my own apartment. I got trashed that night as I sat alone in my tiny place, thinking of everything but what I really wanted to think about because I was one hundred percent determined that I wasn’t ever going to think about Adam Lambert again.

Chapter Twelve

Jack was released from the hospital a few weeks later and thankfully Adam name was never brought up again, instead they started harping on my music. I had played for them a few times after dinner as a thanks for taking me in and treating me like part of their family. They were talking about it night and day, urging me to pursue what was once my dream and even going so far as to set up an open night mic at the club. I balked at first, but then I started to realize how much I loved and missed music before I lost my own family and the man I thought I would share the rest of my life with. The open mic night at the club didn’t make it past the first few shows, but I found myself going to other clubs and bars and really getting a feel of playing in front of crowds, no matter how small they were. Jack and Paul would come when they could, but rather quickly after his release from the hospital, Jack’s health took a turn for the worse and we knew that it was just a matter of time before we would lose him.

I got my first glimpse of American Idol that year as I found myself week after week sitting in their living room watching. It was their favorite show on TV and I had to admit that I enjoyed it as well, even though I would never admit it to either of them. I would watch as the contestants sang before the camera, critiquing in my head what they sang and how they could have made it better. I found myself playing those changes later that night in my room on a cheap guitar I had bought from a second hand music store and for my two favorite men the next time I was at their home. They always seemed amazed, each one telling me over and over again that I was wasting my time at the club when music was what I was born to do. I would blush like a child, smile and thank them, but I never even thought about taking it any further. They started to hint around that I should try out for the next season of American Idol, just small hints here and there and then it increased to constant nagging until I finally agreed to go. I was nervous and excited as I picked a few songs I felt would be good enough for an audition, practicing whenever I had a free moment and taking in all the advice that Paul and Jack had to offer. The closer the day came the more nervous I got and yet it was a good nervous, an excited nervous, one that actually started to make me feel alive in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time. However, that feeling quickly went away as two days before I was scheduled to board a bus and head off to Los Angeles for my audition Jack had a severe stroke and ended up in the hospital once again. Paul begged me over and over again to get on that bus and follow my dreams, but I felt a loyalty to the two of them and once again my dreams were put on the backburner.

Jack never left the hospital after he was admitted, the cancer finally taking him away from us a few weeks later with Paul and I at his side. I was devastated at the loss of the man who had become my friend, but also family and yet as sad as I felt I wasn’t able to shed a single tear. Instead I felt nothing of what I should have felt and although I didn’t think anything of it, Paul was concerned. He didn’t say anything for the longest time but I could read it on his face. I was there for him every step of the way as we made arrangements for the funeral and prepared ourselves for the day that we would lay Jack to rest. Paul was inconsolable the day of the funeral, but I didn’t care as I stayed by his side the entire time, holding him within my arms later that night when he didn’t want to be alone. I still felt nothing later that night after putting him to bed as I sat in their living room and tried to make myself cry over my loses and yet not a tear was shed. I wondered what kind of a monster I had become because despite the fact that I felt like I was losing everything again, I didn’t seem to have the inclination to actually feel emotional about it.

A week later found Paul and I at a lawyer’s office as Jack’s will was read. I had a strange feeling of déjà vu as I held Paul’s hand and allowed the numbness to consume me once again. I was shocked to learn that Jack had left the club to me instead of his partner, a fact that I refused to accept until Paul told me in no uncertain terms to shut up and sit down beside him. I didn’t say a word as the reading of the will continued, Paul still holding my hand as he cried silently next to me. Afterwards he asked the lawyer to give us a few minutes as he left the room with a nod, closing the door softly behind him. “I can’t take it” I cried out as I jumped up off of the chair and began to pace the small room. “It’s your club, he bought it for you” I reminded him loudly when he just continued to sit there quietly. “Fucking Christ say something” I said because my nerves were on edge at just how calm and peaceful he seemed to be.

“I’m dying” He spoke quietly, causing the air to leave my lungs as I fell into a leather chair next to him, trying like hell to figure out what was going on in that everything that I held dear to me eventually left me in the end. “I’ve been dying for awhile now. We just figured that I would have gone before Jack” I had no idea what he was talking about as the room around me began to spin a little as I tried to figure out if what I had heard was real. “I have Aids” I forgot how to breath as I gaped at him, my world waving inside and out before I was brought back at a pair of warms hands on my face. “Kris…” I heard him say my name as I looked up at him as he stood before me, my body feeling even number then it had, if that was even possible. “I know that I have a lot of explaining to do, but before any of that happens know that Jack and I talked about this quite extensively and this is what we both wanted. You can keep it or you can sell it, but it’s yours to do with as you will. I’m hoping that you sell it and take the money to pursue your dreams, but only you can make that decision”

“Everything ok?” I heard the lawyer ask as he walked back into the room a few minutes later, but I still couldn’t talk as Paul went back to the table and the two of them talked for a bit while I tried to come to terms with everything I had just learned.

“I got it from a one night stand several years ago” He explained several hours later as we sat in a coffee shop after leaving the lawyers office. “Jack and I had gotten into one of the worst fights of our relationship and I was angry. I went to the nearest bathhouse and picked some random stranger to fuck. We didn’t know anything about HIV or Aids back then, and it was nothing for people to fuck with out a condom. I was sick for over a year before they figured out what it was and I’ve managed to live with it this long, but just recently I’ve been developing more symptoms and when I went to the doctor for a check up he gave me the news that it was only a matter of time before I succumb to my disease”

“Did Jack have it too?” I asked, hating myself for it but not understanding their relationship one little bit because they had each cheated on each other and yet they had gotten back together again after each time

“No…thankfully Jack was smart enough to always want to use a condom and when I found out that I was HIV positive we just continued to do so” He explained, taking a sip of his coffee as he looked out the window for a moment. “We were really fucking lucky because if he hadn’t insisted on using them after he found out I cheated…well I guess it didn’t really matter since he died before me anyway” He sobbed, tucking his face into his hands and crying openly over the loss of his lover. I was out of my seat and at his side in a second as I pulled him into my arms and allowed him to cry on my shoulder as we both ignored the people gawking at us. I couldn’t help but think that the two of them had the most fucked up relationship I had ever heard of, but at the same time I had to envy them because despite every thing they did to fuck it up and every road block thrown in their way, they had managed to stay together in the end. We opted to walk back to his house afterwards, he clutching onto my hand as he told me more stories about Jack and the love that they shared. I stayed with him again, checking on him throughout the night because I had an odd feeling that it was only going to be a matter of time before he joined his lover as well.

Six weeks later I found myself back in the lawyer’s office at the reading of Paul’s will that time after finding him dead in his bed one afternoon. It’s been years and yet I still don’t think that he died from the symptoms associated with Aids. I think that he died of a broken heart because he never really was the same after Jack died. I was shocked yet again to learn that everything that belonged to Paul was left to me in his will and as much as I didn’t know what I had done to deserve their love, I was so grateful for having met them and for giving me a sense of family if only for a short amount of time.

Chapter Thirteen

Any idea of going after my music was lost after that as I fell fully into the responsibility of owner and manager of the club. It was what I did from morning till night and with nothing else in between. I was still living in my tiny one bedroom apartment above the club despite the fact that I had a huge home that had been left to me by Paul and Jack. I didn’t know why I hadn’t just settled into my house, but something was holding me back as I threw all my energies into changing the club around and making some improvements that when I worked for Jack he would have never even considered. I had never really enjoyed working at the club before it became mine. I had always looked at it as just a job that paid pretty well considering, but now that I owned it I wanted to be proud of it. I didn’t want it to be known as the seedy and dank, sex club that it had become known for. I wanted something different, something better and I hoped that Jack wasn’t turning around too much in his grave as I set my plan into action.

The first thing I did was get rid of the half naked dancing boys that could be found in cages throughout the club. It wasn’t like I wanted the place to be family friendly, but I always hated the way the guys dancing were treated. I also got rid of the shitty sound system that Jack always used in place of a real DJ and hired one of the best ones in the area. I changed the lighting system to turn it from being dank and almost dungeon like to look more like a discothèque with the ball and colorful lights to make the effect real. I kept the back room because who was I to stop a gay man from his right to fuck some random stranger in the dark, but I cleaned it up and hired extra bouncers to keep an eye on things. I wasn’t a prude by any means of the word, but the drug use at Jack’s club had been constant and I was always worried that it was going to be closed down because of it. Now that I owed the place I didn’t have to worry about that any longer. I put every single dime that they had left to me into the club and at first I didn’t think that I had made the right choice by the near empty space that could be found ever night, but soon it started being packed to capacity and despite my improvements I had no idea why.

I found out why weeks later as I browsed through a record store looking to add some new music to my own personal collections. I hadn’t even noticed the display when I walked in, only noticing it when I walked out because I had knocked it over with one of my shopping bags. I felt every muscle tighten in my body and the air expel from my lungs as I stared into a pair of mesmerizing eyes, familiar eyes. “Sir are you ok?” I heard someone ask me, but I had no words, no function use as I continued to stare at the cardboard display before me. “Sir…do I need to call someone for help” I heard the person speak again, nothing around me making sense as I tried to pull myself together. “Sir…sir” I heard them call me over and over again as I shook my head almost violently and forced myself back together.

“I’m fine” I rasped, reaching into my back pocket and pulling out my wallet. I wasn’t really thinking when I pulled a fifty dollar bill out of my wallet before tossing it at the kid standing beside me, grabbing a CD from the display before running like a bat out of hell. I don’t know how long I sat in the beat up car I had purchased after Paul’s death, but it must have been hours because it was dark when I snapped out of memories from a past I had been trying to forget running through my head. I tossed the CD in the seat next to me, not looking at it again until I was back home in my apartment. My hands were shaking as I opened the plastic cover, tears already burning the back of my eyelids as I remove the jacket and traced my fingers over the beautiful face staring back at me. “He did it” I spoke to the empty room, hardly recognizing the beautiful man covered in colorful makeup, but the eyes, there was no way that I didn’t know who those beautiful blue eyes belonged to.

I was a near fall down mess as I opened and read the liner notes, the emotions and pain I had been holding back since Adam had left me surging forward. ***I dedicate this album to Kristopher, the man who will forever hold my heart, the one who is my soul mate in ever sense of the word and who I will love until my dying day*** I stopped breathing in that moment, a sob of pain stuck so deep within my throat that I couldn’t do anything but sit there with my mouth hanging open. The place around me was starting to grow fuzzy as I continued my battle for breath, my eyes growing heavy as my head hit the floor with a loud thump. It was enough to push the lump from my throat forward and with it came the tears and the anguished cries of pain that I had been holding back for so long. I cried unlike I had ever cried before as images of Adam and the love we once shared bombarded me. I cried out the pain that had been lodged deep within my heart not caring that anyone could hear me, only that now that it had started I couldn’t stop. I cried until I could hardly keep my breath and my body was too weak to move as I curled up into a ball and cried even more. Everything hurt the next morning when I woke up still curled into a fetal position on the hardwood floor and then I cried again, but that time it was over every single thing I had lost in my lifetime starting off with the loss of my family, Cassidy, Jack and Paul and then Adam once again. Afterwards I was downright exhausted as I climbed into my bed, threw the covers over my head and slept for two days straight.

Finally at the insistence of the new staff I had hired, I made my way downstairs to the club, my mouth falling open at just how packed it was. I still had no idea why they were there, but I found out rather quickly as a man ran up to me with a smile on his face and Adam’s CD in his hand. “Can you sign this for me?” He asked, holding the CD out with one hand and a sharpie marker in the other.

“W…why?” I stammered, trying to figure out who the hell the guy was and why he would want me to sign Adam’s CD.

“You’re Kris Allen” He responded as if that made any sense in the world. “Adam Lambert’s soul mate and love of his life” There was a duh like quality to his voice as he shoved the CD closer to my face, eventually walking away when I just stared at him as if he had lost his mind. I hadn’t taken two steps before another CD was shoved in my face, that man getting the same look before I slide behind the bar in search of something hard to make all the craziness go away. My head still ached from the emotionally fucked up two days prior and I knew it was only going to get worse as two more CD’s were placed on the bar in front of me. Later that night I learned from one of the bartenders that the word had spread that Adam Lambert used to frequent this club and that somehow they had figured out that the Kristopher from his CD dedication was me. I had no idea how anyone could have found that out, but it quickly became clear as I looked up and found several of Adam’s old friends crowded around a table, all of them smiling as if we were the best of friends. I just ignored them, refusing to even acknowledge them, but somewhat thankful that they were slimy enough to cash in on their friendship with Adam and for whatever reason, in a round about way pulling me into it as well. The truth was that I really hated that the reason my business was doing so well was because of Adam, but the saner part of me convinced myself that it was the least the fucker could do after breaking my heart.

I can’t really say that life became good after that, but it was bearable enough that I didn’t feel totally miserable. The club continued to stay packed, the money was flowing in and the staff that I had hired were amazing, giving me some time to myself. I had made the decision to sell the house Jack and Paul had left to me because as beautiful as it was and no matter how many great memories I had there, I just didn’t feel right living in it. It was a house that was meant to be loaded with the love of a family and I held no illusions that I would ever feel love again, much less be part of a family. I was an emotional wreck as I went through their belongings, finding bits and pieces of their lives through photo albums. It made me miss my own family, making me wonder if they were looking down on me and if they were disappointed in the man that I had become. It took weeks, but I was finally able to get through everything and get the house on the market. I kept all of their photo albums, deciding that they were just too precious to part with and in a sense I felt as if a part of them was still there with me. I found myself going through those albums nightly still feeling a complete sense of loss over everything that had been taken away from me as I tried to figure out what I had done in that I didn’t deserve to find love and happiness. I never did come up with an answer, but I just figured that I had pissed someone off above and it was my payback for whatever it was I had done.

I was shocked to find the last photo album of the bunch was completely dedicated to me. I hadn’t realized how much I had intertwined within their lives until I looked at the many pictures staring back at me. I also found pieces of scrap paper where I had written down a line or two of a song that had popped into my head, but it none of them ever grew into more then that. I started to bawl like a baby as I fingered a hastily taped up piece of paper forever protected under the clear wrap of the album. I wasn’t sure how it was that Jack had come to acquire the letter Adam had written me when he had devastated my heart and left me for New York, but there it was just the same. I cried even harder when I turned the page and found a flyer announcing my missed American Idol tryouts and the bus ticket I was supposed to use to get there. “Why?” I cried out into the empty room, tears flowing down my cheeks. “Why did you save all this?” The pain in my heart too much as I shoved the album aside and I curled up on the couch and fell asleep.

Chapter Fourteen

I had never been one to believe in fate, but several months later fate or something like it brought American Idol back into my life. I had heard the announcements on the radio and television, but had never thought much about them, but when a harried looking kid came into the club early one evening and asked if he could put a flyer or two up it was really hard to ignore. I wanted to tell him no, but I took the stack of papers he handed me when a yes came to be my reply. I never posted them anywhere, but I found myself reading them constantly as they lay hidden behind the bar. I found myself torn between wanting to try out once again and knowing that it was just a stupid pipe dream. I waged a bitter battle within myself as to why I should go and why I shouldn’t. A huge part of me wanted to take a chance on what had always been my dream, but the other side, the more sensible side forced me to see that I was better off living my life as it was. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, that I was going to be happier that way and yet as the audition date grew closer and closer I began to see that I wasn’t happy at all with my life and the way I was living it.

I shocked myself and my staff two days before the auditions when I announced out of the blue that I would be going. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face or the gait out of my step as I placed one of the more trust worthy of my staff in charge, not really caring if the place burnt to the ground while I was gone because I finally felt like I was doing what I was meant to do it. I was a nervous wreck the entire drive to the auditions, but it was a good kind of nervous and for the first time in a long time I felt alive. The place was loaded with hundreds upon hundreds of people once I arrived and my nerves actually between to grow a bit more, but then determination set in as I prepared myself for what I hoped was going to be a life changing experience. I was near exhausted when I finally got the chance to audition for the judges, but as I entered the room and felt three pairs of eyes on me, my determination grew as I took a deep breath and poured every ounce of my energy and focus on what I was about to do.

I couldn’t tell what they were thinking after I had finished my first song, each of them looking at me in ways that were very uncomfortable as I fidgeted in front of them. “Now are you the best singer out there?” I heard one of the female judges ask and I really had to pause and think about it because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there were more amazing singers out there then me, Cassidy and Adam had proven that.

“You know there are probably people out there that are better then me” I replied truthfully, images of those two men haunting me in the back of my mind. I could already tell it was the wrong thing to say by the grimace that crossed her face, but I was determined to do what I had set out to do and pushed past it. I sang my heart out, hoping and praying that it was enough for them.

“I think part of the problem Kris is you” I heard a male judge with an accent speak up once I finished. “Um…because you don’t have a huge amount of personality and your modesty is putting me off a little bit” I had a smile on my face, but I felt as if my dream was slowly dying in front of me as I waited for them to decide my fate. They bantered back and forth for a few moments, my heart beating hard in my chest before they announced that I had made it through and I would be going to Hollywood. I was excited as hell as I threw my hands up in the air in victory, a smile so wide across my face that it actually hurt to put it there, but I smiled even wider. My smile didn’t last long as I left the audition room with no one to greet me or congratulate me as I spoke to the host of the show. As always I thought of my family and how proud they would have been of me if they were still alive. The drive back home was bitter sweet because I was elated and happy that I was about to take a journey that I felt was going to take me where I needed to be, but still somehow the ghost of Adam and the love we once shared haunting me.

The next several months were a blur as I trained the person I had left in charge when I went for my audition to take over as manager. Richard was smart and funny and so beautiful to look at sometimes that he made my heart ache. We started sleeping together the first night I made him manager after too many drinks and a lot of dancing. I knew that it was probably the wrong thing to do, but I was lonely and in need of some companionship and he seemed to be looking for something in me as well. I also knew that it would never go anywhere and I could tell he did as well, but it was nice to have someone to talk to, hang out with and fuck whenever the urge hit. I figured that it would take forever before I found myself back before the judges, but it actually flew by so fast and before I knew it I was on my way towards American Idol once again.

Chapter Fifteen

I was a nervous wreck as I sat in the conference room of the hotel we were going to be staying in as several people stood in front of us going over the rules and policies. I tried to listen to what they had to say, but it was so hard to focus with my nerves the way that they were as well as by the guy who was sitting next to me snoring in my ear. I couldn’t help but chuckle as he curled up into my side, his face nuzzling my neck as he murmured incoherent words. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything as I turned and watched this man continue to sleep on my shoulder, laughing out loud when he opened one eye and looked at me with what I could only call a saucy grin. “What can I say except you looked comfortable” Everyone looked over at us as he slowly sat up, smiling at them all while he tipped the fedora perched on his head.

“You’re going to get us kicked out of here before it even begins” I grinned, biting my lip in order to control my laughter.

“Nah…half of them aren’t even listening to them and the ones that are listening already know that they don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of making it” He winked at me with a brilliant smile. “Matt Giraud” He smiled even wider as he shot his hand out towards me.

“Kris Allen” I smiled back, not understanding the draw I felt towards him. It wasn’t sexual because I could tell by looking at him that he wasn’t gay, but there was something there, something that immediately put me at ease, something that told me that he and I were destined to be great friends and for the first time in a long time I realized just how much I missed that.

“Nice to meet you” He yawned, snuggling back into the crook of my neck, causing me to giggle yet again because I had no idea what the deal was with this man and his snuggling. “You and I are going to be friends and you just need to get used to the closeness man” He looked up at me with one eye as he had before. “I’m a hugger and a snuggler. You got a problem with it…tough” He winked at me again before closing his eyes and falling back to sleep. The truth was I didn’t have a problem with it even though I probably should have.

Afterwards we were pared off into two’s the other person being our roommate for as long as we were staying in the hotel. I was pared off with a snooty looking guy with strange glasses who looked at me with such disdain that it actually made me feel dirty. “Kris…there you are” I heard Matt cry out my name as I turned from the man and found him rushing towards me. “Who are you rooming with?” He asked out of breath once he reached me. “Really?” He asked when I turned my eyes towards rude boy, still glaring at me as if I was shit on the bottom of his shoes. “Fuck off” He cried out towards the man, grabbing the key card he held in his hand, replacing it with his before grabbing my arm and jerking me away. “You have no idea who they had pared me up with” He went on, his eyes searching the crowd before us. “Look” He turned me around, pointing at a young kid with multi colored hair and an outfit that left nothing to the imagination.

“So what…he’s gay” I blurted out, jerking my arm away from him because I guessed I had judged Matt incorrectly. “Just so you know I’m gay too” I watched his face go from shock to anger, expecting him to throw the key card to our room at me in disgust, but then he just laughed and hugged me.

“I don’t care that you’re gay or if he’s gay” He said as he stepped back and looked at me. “Just wait” He turned me to face the guy once again, hands on my hips and I couldn’t help but laugh as he began to sing and dance at the top of his lungs. It wasn’t that he couldn’t sing, but it just came off as odd and outlandish as he danced all over the place. “I’m sorry but there is just no way that I can room with a guy that just burst into song and dance like that out of the blue” He laughed, hand still on my arm. “Oh and just so you know Princess…I pegged you as gay the moment I sat down next to you” I didn’t know what to say to that as I allowed myself to be pulled out of the convention room, smiling as I listened to Matt drone on and on about himself as we rode the elevator towards our room.

That first week was brutal as we were paired up into groups, having to come up with a name for it and a song choice that was going to knock the judge’s socks off. Matt ended up being in my group and that put my mind at ease as we got to know the two other members that rounded out our group known as White Chocolate. It was fun coming up with a song to sing and the dance moves to go along with it and despite the fact that I couldn’t dance for shit we all passed onto the next round. Everyone was on pins and needles during the next round of eliminations because we had already been told that a large number of people were going to be sent home as they widdeled us down to the top twenty four. I can’t even begin to tell you how nerve wracking it was as we were called into the auditorium where we were going to learn our fate. My hands were shaking and my palms were a sweaty mess as I sat before the judges, each of them looking at me but not a one of them clueing me into if I was staying or not. “Do you think you can be the next American Idol?” One of the male judges asked, all of them staring at me as I swallowed nervously before them. I knew my very first interview had turned most of them off with my truthfulness and despite the fact that I didn’t actually think I could be the next American Idol, I knew what they expected for me to say and I knew exactly how to say it.

“You are definitely looking at your next American Idol” I smiled over at all of them, determined not to let them see just how close to peeing in my pants I actually was. They all laughed, putting me somewhat at ease when they announced that I had made it and would be moving forward. “Thank you” I cried out as I began to jump up and down, almost on the verge of tears as I exited the room, coming face to face with Ryan Seacrest and Matt. Matt had been one of the first ones to step before the judges and thankfully he had made it through. “I made it” I cried out, laughing so hard when I was tackled to the ground by an over exuberant Matt.

“We are going to kick ass and take names” Matt exclaimed loudly when Ryan helped us up off of the floor. “Look out American Idol Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are on the move, picking off these losers one by one until we reach the top and one of us is crowned the king of all music” I couldn’t help but laugh at Matt’s crassness, ignoring the dirty looks we were receiving from some of the others still waiting for their turn.

“King of all music huh?” I sniggered once we left Ryan and made our way back towards out hotel room.

“What? Too much you think?” He shrugged actually looking a bit sheepish, but it didn’t last for long. “You know what I don’t care what they think” He rattled off. “You are an amazing talent Kris and so am I and none of these suckers have a snowballs chance in hell of making it to the top and that goes for you too sucker” He pointed at my former roommate with a loud laugh, a guy known as Danny Gokey, as we walked into the elevator he happened to be standing in. I don’t think that he knew what Matt was talking about, but I don’t think that he cared either as I stepped in beside him, unable to not notice the way that he moved away from me as if I was infected with some horrible contagious disease. “Fucking homophobe” Matt hollered down the hallway as we walked towards our room, Danny still glaring at us as he walked into his room next door.

“You don’t know that” I defended the jerk even though we both knew that he was by his little show in the elevator.

“Really?” Matt asked and the sarcasm was so thick with just that one word that I could almost taste it.

“Ok…so he’s a homophobe” I relented. “It doesn’t matter. This is about music and doing what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid. One fucking jerk isn’t going to detour me from that. So…please Matt I am begging you to just let it go. Don’t make this into anything more then being about the music”

“It just pisses me off is all” Matt murmured against my neck as he pulled me into a hug and as much as I wanted to admit that it pissed me off as well, instead I just kept my mouth shut and hugged him back. A few days later we were informed that we would be moving into what they called the Idol mansion and I wasn’t sure who was more excited Matt or I as we packed our things and waited for our handler to come and get us. It was a huge and beautiful place that made me kind of nervous to be in at first because I was so afraid that I was going to break or ruin something. Matt didn’t care and took to mansion living like a fish to water and by the end of the first night I began to relax as well. We had decided earlier on that we would continue to be roommate and once again I was so thankful that fate had for some reason brought a guy like Matt into my life. He was exactly what I needed at that time and I hoped that I was there for him as much as he was there for me.

Chapter Sixteen

By the end of the first week everyone pretty much knew about my sexuality, thanks to Matt letting it slip one night as we all hung out around the pool in the backyard. It wasn’t that I was trying to hide it, but I didn’t know those people and after the distasteful looks and acting like I had the plague each time he saw me from Danny, I had decided to hold off telling anyone else for as long as possible. The ones that did know seemed to accept me for who I was, most telling me that they didn’t care either way, some completely uncomfortable with it, but making the effort to know the real me anyway and then there was Danny who just flat out refused to even talk about it. In fact he pretty much went out of his way to avoid me at all costs. I didn’t mind at first because he was a douche bag and didn’t deserve the time it would take to explain that I was still a human being, just one that slept with men. However, that all changed one night as Matt and I sat in the lounge area watching a movie, passing a carton of ice cream between us using the same spoon. “How can you eat off the same silverware as he does?” He cried out with a look of disgust so readable on his face.

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I?” Matt cried out, jerking himself off of the couch, the tub of ice cream almost hitting the floor if not for me grabbing it and Matt at the same time.

“He’s gay. Aren’t you afraid that he had Aids or something?” The tub eventually did hit the floor as I lost control of my hands and body, too in shock to even remember how to breathe.

Are you fucking insane” I heard Matt scream, trying like hell to get my wits about me, everything muddy and unfocused as I tried to understand why he would think that because I was gay that I automatically had that disease. As my head began to clear I began to notice that we were not alone anymore as several of the Idols came out to see what the commotion was all about. Once everything had come into view I found that Matt had pinned Danny to a chair and was trying to force feed him some of the ice cream with the same spoon we had been sharing. I wanted to let him continue to torture and humiliate the scumbag, but I knew it wasn’t right as I grabbed onto Matt’s arm and jerked him away from him.

“Stop” I said, trying like hell not to cry because no matter how much I knew people like Danny existed, it still hurt to hear such hateful words. “You don’t like me because I’m gay…fine” I began; still holding onto Matt as I finally found my focus and turned it fully onto Danny. “You don’t have to like me, but I live here and I don’t have fucking Aids” I went on, my lip quivering as the tears finally began to form in my eyes. “Not all gay men have Aids or HIV for that matter” I decided to school him as my mind thought back on Paul and how he had lived with his disease for so many years. “I’ve been with two men in my entire adult life and was in a monogamous relationship with each of them at different times” I added because I knew people like Danny thought that all gay men just fucked any gay ass that was presented to them. “Gay men fall in love and have relationships just like any heterosexual couple. Some of us want to get married and have families and…you know what…fuck you Danny because you are just not worth my time and effort” I just cut myself off because at the way he was looking at me I could tell that he wasn’t hearing anything that I said. I didn’t even try to hide the tears as I walked away from Matt, ignoring everyone as I climbed the staircase and headed towards my bedroom.

“He’s s fucking douche bag” Matt cried out as he paced madly before my bed. “It just shocks me that we still have to deal with people like that in this day and age” He continued his rant and I had to smile because despite the fact that I knew Matt was as straight as they came, he still got it.

“Thanks Matt” I said softly, tears once again threatening my eyes but that time in a completely different way.

“I didn’t do anything” He shrugged.

“Yeah…you really did” I replied, climbing off of the bed and pulling him into a hug.

Danny pretty much still continued to ignore me after that, but he seemed less hateful about it. I didn’t care because I had Matt, who had turned out to be one hell of an amazing friend and I found myself praying nightly for such a tremendous gift.

Other then Danny and his antics, I found myself enjoying every aspect of the American Idol experience. It was fun to take a song and switch it up and make it into something of my own. Sometimes the judges got it and sometimes they didn’t, but with each negative remark it only made my determination grow more and more. I had developed a small fan base already who cheered for me weekly as they held up banners and poster telling me how much they loved me and the music that I played. It was an amazing experience and brought a smile to my face each time that I saw one. I didn’t know what it was that those people thought was special about me, but I was grateful that they saw something in me just the same. The weeks flew by so quickly and before I knew it we were down to the final three. It was amazing to me that Matt’s predictions might possibly have come true as he, myself and Danny stood before Ryan, the judges and the audience as we waited to see who would be the final two contestants on the show that season. I was once again a nervous wreck as Danny stood on one side of Ryan, Matt and I on the other, the wait seeming to go one forever. “So Kris…” I heard Ryan say to me, causing me to groan internally because I knew the tortured wait was going to go on a bit longer. “You and Matt seem to have formed this great friendship. It’s been rumored that you’ve both been pegged with the nicknames Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee because it seems that whenever you two are together some sort of trouble always follows” I couldn’t help but laugh because it was kind of true, even though the real story was that Matt was always looking for trouble and I always willingly followed him.

“Yeah…Allison pegged us with that name” I laughed, patting Matt on the back good naturedly. “Matt’s a great guy and a lot of fun to hang out with. It’s just to easy to get into trouble with him you know” We laughed again, Matt hugging me so hard that it took my breath away and yet I kept on smiling because I really meant what I said about him being a great guy.

“So Matt…” Ryan turned his sights towards the man standing next to me. “You and Kris have this great friendship. What happens if one of you gets sent home tonight?” I felt my stomach drop as I heard those words because I had just come to accept that it was going to be the two of us until the very end. Between us it didn’t matter who won just as long as we got to share the experience together and I was in no way prepared to share that experience with Danny Gokey.

“It’s not about the winning with Kris and I” He began, smiling at me as he placed his arm around my shoulder. “We totally support each other and if I’m the one that gets sent home tonight then so be it, it won’t change the dynamics of our friendship or the fact that I’ll still be in his corner” I wanted to kiss Matt right there on that very stage, strictly in a platonic kind of way because I’d never had a friend like him in my life and he and that friendship meant everything to me.

“What about you Kris?” He turned his attention back towards me and I had to admit that I was getting a certain satisfaction that he seemed to be ignoring Gokey altogether. “Will you still continue to support Matt if you are the one that gets sent home?”

“Hmmm” I said as I placed my finger to my lips as if I had to think about it, laughing out loud at the quirked eyebrow I received from Matt. “Matt’s my best friend, I’ve got his back no matter what” I replied truthfully, wrapping my arm around his waist and giving him a squeeze to let him know those words were one hundred percent true.

“After the nationwide vote…” My breath caught in my throat as I waited for him to announce our fate. “Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee will remain together….Matt and Kris you are our final two” We both started jumping up and down like crazy people, hugging each other so tight that I just knew that we looked crazy and a mess, but I didn’t care. At that point I had lost track of Danny, too focused on my happiness and that fact that Matt didn’t seem to want to let me go as he continued to hug me like crazy. A hand on my shoulder caused me to pull away for a moment as I found Danny standing before me with an uncertain look on his face as I prepared myself to be lectured or worse. Instead he just reached forward and hugged me, whispering a quick apology in my ear before patting Matt on the back and exiting the stage. I was in shock as I looked over at an equally shocked Matt before both of us exploded into laughter. I spent the rest of the night with Matt’s family who had come up from Michigan to be there for the finale. It was an amazing feeling to be part of a family once again and before I knew it Matt’s mother had pretty much adopted me over dinner and insisted that I be part of their crazy family. It made me smile and brought tears to my eyes as I hugged her tightly and thanked her for her kindness.

“ Matt told us about your family Kris and I know that its not much but this family is here for you if you need anything” She had tears in her eyes as we waited outside the restaurant for the cab to come and take them back to the hotel they were staying in.

“It means everything” I replied quickly, swallowing hard at the lump in my throat.

“You’ve come to mean something very special to Matt” She said then, looking at me in a way that I didn’t really understand. “He’s a great kid and a funny guy, but he hardly ever lets anyone get this close to him. I’m glad that he has you in his life. Take care of him for me…promise”

“Of course” I smiled, hugging her quickly.

“Stop trying to steal my mother dude” I heard Matt exclaim behind me, pulling me away from his mother as he winked at her over my shoulder before pulling me into a hug. “Dude…so clingy” He laughed when I buried my face into the warmth of his shoulder and hung on for dear life, but I could tell that he didn’t mind it as he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me even harder.

Chapter Seventeen

That next week were even more crazy and intense then all the other weeks combined. All day, everyday I was being photographed, taught routine after routine, while trying to work on my songs as well. I hardly got a chance to see Matt as he was going through the same things, only seeing each other for a brief few minuets at night before we both passed out from exhaustion in the room that we still continued to share despite being the only ones still living in the mansion.

I was completely spent the night before the big finale as I practically crawled into our room, falling down on the bed next to Matt when I looked up and found him lying there. “You look like a wreck” I heard him say, curling up around me as I closed my eyes and relished the heat of his body. “Rough day babe?” He asked when I looked up at him unable to speak because I was just that tired. “I can’t believe that this is our last night in the mansion” He continued as I curled up even closer to him, my head practically lying on his chest. “It’s been such a crazy ride and yet it seems like only yesterday that we met” There was a darker tone to his voice as I looked up and found him looking down at me with tears in his eyes. “You’re friendship has come to mean the world to me Kris and even if you don’t mean it I want you to promise me that we’ll always be friends” I could almost feel the panic in his words as I pulled myself forward until we were lying face to face. Reaching out, I placed my hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes because even though I didn’t have the energy to speak I wanted him to be able to see that there wasn’t anything else in my life at that moment in time that was more important then Matt and the wondrous friendship that we shared. “I love you too” He beamed, leaning forward and kissing me on the cheek before tugging me into his arms. I was sound asleep before my head even hit his chest again, but I knew that he understood and that was all that mattered to me.

“You know you are going to win so I don’t know why you are so nervous” Matt grinned at me as I paced back and forth in the dressing room, my nerve eating me up from the inside out. I felt as if I was going to vomit as I took a deep breath and willed the sour taste in my mouth away, ever grateful for Matt that he knew what I needed without even asking as he handed me a bottle of water. “Sit the hell down before you have a heart attack or something” He laughed, but I could hear the nervousness behind it as well as the two of us fell onto the nearby couch.

“I’ve already accepted the fact that you are going to win” I broke the momentary silence surrounding us as I laid my head on his shoulder. “And I’m just going to be some person you once knew when you make it big and famous” I meant it to be a joke, but by the look on Matt’s face I could see that he took it as anything but.

“Did you think I was fucking joking when I told you that your friendship meant everything to me last night…that I loved you?” He asked, jerking himself off of the couch before turning to glare at me. “I’ve never had a friend like you Kris and I meant it when I said that I always want to be your friend, that I always want you in my life. I know that things are going to be crazy after tonight and we won’t be together all the time but that doesn’t meant that we can’t still be part of each others lives”

“I love you so much Matt” I flew off the couch, wrapping my arms around his waist as I held on for dear life. “You’ve been the best friend I’ve ever had” I murmured against his shirt. “And we are going to be friends forever” I leaned back and looked up at him, tears in both of our eyes, but they were happy tears as a silent promise of forever friendship passed between us. Our handlers had to practically pull us apart when they came to retrieve us for the start of the show, but we held on for as long as we could until we really had no choice but to separate in order to see where our American Idol journey was going to take us.

I had so much fun that night as I danced and sang with the former contestants, as well as sharing the stage with some pretty amazing superstars. It felt surreal and almost dreamlike as the night progressed, eventually finding Matt and I standing together on the stage, arms wrapped around each other as we waited for the winner to be announced. I really don’t remember much from that point on, only bits and pieces of Ryan talking to each of us, drawing out the anticipation just a little more. I had already accepted the fact that Matt was going to win and I was more then ok with that because despite it all I was still going to be able to tour with the other American Idol contestants and get my name out there, but I was also going to be able to work on and release an album and that was all I ever really wanted in the first place.

“You’re next American Idol is…Kris Allen” I heard Ryan cry out, Matt engulfing me in his arms as I tried to come to terms with what I had just heard.

“You won man” I heard Matt yell against my ear as confetti and screams of excitement echoed all around me. I was completely in shock as I felt someone grab my elbow and lead me towards the middle of the stage. I could hardly breathe as a microphone was shoved into my hands and the lights were dimmed.

“Your new American Idol…Kris Allen” I heard Ryan say again as what was to be my American Idol signature song began to play. I still don’t know how I got through the words as I continuously fought to breathe as well as trying like hell to keep the tears at bay. I knew that I had finally made it though as I found myself wrapped up in Matt’s arms once again, the rest of the contestants surrounding me with smiles and love as well.

The tour was amazing. It was crazy and insane and it felt like we never got the chance to sleep, but I loved every second of it. I became very close to my tour-mates, but it was nothing compared to the friendship that Matt and I continued to share. We were together every single moment that we could, texting each other constantly when we couldn’t. I came to love Matt as family and I still continued to pray daily that he was brought into my life. He brought out a side of me that had laid dormant since Adam had left me, a side that I didn’t ever think I would see again. It was a side that was full of fun and laughter, a side that refused to think about the bad in the world and what had happened to me prior to our friendship. I had ever started to develop a little crush on him, but I refused to acknowledge it because that friendship meant everything to me and I wasn’t willing to jeopardize it for something as silly as a crush on a straight man. I had begun to write again and I credited it fully to Matt who made me feel things that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for such a long time.

I started working on my album in between the insanity of touring and as excited as I was about it, I was a nervous wreck as well. I still couldn’t fully comprehended that I had actually won the title of American Idol, much less deserved it and that album was either going to prove to me and the world that I did deserve it or it was going to prove that I was a failure once and for all. Matt yelled at me constantly for having such a negative attitude when it came to my music, but I think that a huge part of it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t know I could sing, but that life had proven to me over and over that with every bit of happiness I received it was quickly followed by an almost soul crushing pain.

It was hard to believe that the tour was ending as quickly as it did as the last few shows loomed before us. I was nervous about the end, but at the same time excited because I knew for the next year at least my life was going to continue to be a huge whirlwind. I was given a personal assistant who briefed me daily on the coming and goings of my life because I really had no clue. She held my life in the palm of her hands in the form of some sort of electrical device that she was constantly typing or talking on. I tried figuring out how to use it just once and after she scolded me like a five year old child and then threatened to leave me if I ever touched it again; I vowed to stay away from it like the plague. My assistants name was Valerie and she was as awesome as she was scary. From the very beginning she seemed to know more about my life then I did and as much as I found it unsettling that she knew everything about me including the type of boxer briefs that I wore, yet at the same time I was thankful for her because I knew that there was no way in hell that I could have kept up with my crazy schedule without her. She was also the one that told me about the fact that Adam had a new album coming out and although I never really saw much in terms of excitement cross her face when it came to me and my music, with that news her face was practically beaming. I wanted to laugh as she gushed on endlessly about Adam and how amazing he was, when she had no idea that she was working for his former boyfriend.

Chapter Eighteen

The same day that his new album came out just happened to coincide with our final show and I was sure that somehow it was supposed to be relevant, but I refused to even think about it as I prepared for my final show with Matt and the rest of the contestants. The mood was almost somber in the dressing rooms, all of us knowing that the end was finally here and our lives were going to be completely different once we all left that stage. I knew that Matt and I were going to continue to stay in touch, but for the rest of them I wasn’t so sure. Yes, we had bonded and became somewhat of a family, but something told me that once it was all over, it was really going to be all over. I was sad and yet at the same time excited because it was now time to focus fully on me and my music. Even before American Idol it had always been about Cassidy and Adam’s music and with the tour it was all about the music that was chosen for me. However, after the tour it was going to be just about me. The label had been generous enough to give me two songs on the album and I couldn’t wait to record them and see just how good the world thought I could be.

The show went off without a hitch as Matt and I sang the final song, holding each other close as the rest of the contestants crowded around us. It was an emotional and beautiful time as we thanked the audience for being there for us and thanked each other for the constant love and support. I was almost completely spent as I bid farewell to the final fans lingering afterwards for autographs, wanting nothing more then to crawl into the car waiting to take me to the hotel I was staying in that night before falling into the bed there. I was scheduled to take an early flight back home for a few weeks the next morning and although I knew I should be happy to go back to the place that I had considered my home for so long, I felt actual dread instead. “You want to sleep together once more for old time’s sake?” I heard Matt whisper in my ear, his arm slinking around my waist as I leaned heavily against his freshly showered body, refusing to think about anything else but my night with Matt and the future of my musical career.

“Yeah…” I smiled at him, wrapping my arm around his waist as we headed towards the car.

“Kris…” I heard someone say my name, forcing me to stop in my tracks because I knew without a doubt who that voice belonged to as I turned and found Cassidy standing away from me. I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around him and cry at just how much I had missed him since the last time I had seen him, but then the memories of our last conversation hit me like a two ton truck and then all I wanted to do was punch the shit out of him. I decided that ignoring him was my best option as I ignored the curious looks I was receiving from Matt and continued to walk away from him. Cassidy never said anything else and I was beginning to wonder if I had made him up in my mind as I turned to look behind me and found him gone.

“Who was that?” I heard Matt ask as we stood before the car, thankful that I hadn’t been loosing my mind as I closed my eyes and took a shuddering breath into my lungs.

“No one” I lied, hugging him close because I knew that Cassidy was still out there watching me and I didn’t care one little bit if he got the wrong idea as I leaned forward and kissed Matt firmly on the lips.

“What was that for?” Matt asked, his eyes full of confusion as my hands lingered on the sides of his face.

“I just wanted to say thank you for being such an amazing friend” I smiled at him, tears in my eyes, but they weren’t the happy tears I was presenting to Matt, but sad and angry tears at just how much I still loved and missed Cassidy from my life despite what he had done.

Later that night I watched as my assistant paced back and forth in the fancy hotel I had been booked at, going over my itinerary for when I came back from visiting home. I still wasn’t really looking forward to going back and I wasn’t really listening as I stared at the new copy of Adam’s CD sitting on the coffee table before me. “Are you even listening to anything that I’m saying?” I heard her yell as I jerked my eyes away from the plastic case with Adam’s face staring back at me, only to have them fall back there not a second later. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for an Adam Lambert fan” She laughed, picking it up and tossing it at me as she headed for the door. “I’ve already copied it to my cell phone so you can have it. It’s amazing….even better then the first one and that one was freaking brilliant. The car is picking you up at seven-thirty, don’t be late” She shot me a dirty look before rushing out the door, but I wasn’t really paying attention to her as I lost myself in the pair of deep blue eyes staring back at me.

My fingers were trembling as I opened up the case, trying several times to remove the inner liner before finally becoming successful. I closed my eyes for the longest time just holding it in my hand because I was too petrified to read what was on the inside. Eventually my curiosity got the better of me as I carefully opened the liner, my heart stopping in my chest at finding the first line of dedications made to me yet again. ***As always I dedicate this album to the man who had owned my soul from the first moment I gazed into his beautiful brown eyes. My love for you hasn’t diminished in the slightest as I wait for the day that we will be in each others lives once again. I still love you with my entire heart and soul Kristopher and I can only hope that you can one day forgive me for what I had done to you and allow us to be together as we always should be*** I was determined not to cry as I shoved the offending piece of paper away from me, but as expected I completely broke apart as I once again cried over the love and the loss that waged constantly within my heart when it came to Adam Lambert.

I felt lost and alone and I seemed to be hovering between some sort of strange dream state and some sort of reality. It didn’t feel real and yet it was real enough that I knew I was somehow on the verge of maybe losing my mind completely. It felt nice because I didn’t seem to feel any pain there, didn’t seem to need to think about how fucked up my life had been and the struggles that constantly seemed to plague me. I had decided that I was content there, not happy, not sad, but content enough not to care as I closed my eyes and continued to float in the nothingness. “Kris…Kris man what the fuck” I heard someone calling out to me, but I ignored them because I didn’t want to know who it was, didn’t want to acknowledge what sounded like fear in their voice as I tried to will myself deeper. “Wake up you son of a bitch…WAKE THE FUCK UP” The voice got louder, my surrounding beginning to shake and shiver behind me as I took a huge shuddering breath and proceeded to freak out at the loudness and the brightness of the world around me. “Kris it’s me…its Matt” I heard Matt cry out as I jerked away from his grasp, falling to the floor, my eyes darting around me as I tried to come to terms with what was going on with me. “Jesus Christ Kris you’re scaring me” He continued to speak, moving over towards me slowly as I pulled my knees into my chest and cried. I cried so hard that I could hardly keep my breath and before I knew what was happening I was surrounded by darkness once again.

“Adam…” I whispered brokenly, my throat tight and sore from so much crying and pain as images of the man I knew I would always love no matter how much I tried to deny it stood out so real before me. “Adam please don’t leave me” I continued to speak not more then a whisper, nothing making sense to me anymore as I watched him turn to face me, just looking at me with contempt and disgust in his eyes before turning back for the door. “Adam…don’t go…I love you” I cried out towards his retreating figure, but he didn’t stop and before I knew it he had vanished out the door.

“Kris please…you’re scaring the fuck out of me” I heard a different voice speak then the one I was hoping for, but it was one that still brought comfort as I opened my eyes and found Matt sitting on the bed beside me, tears pouring down his face as he watched over me.

“Where am I?” I croaked, eye darting all around the room as I tried to figure out where the hell I was.

“You’re in a hotel room with me” I heard Matt speak, his voice waiving in and out and I wasn’t sure if it was because of his tears or the fact that I was contemplating going back into my dream place. I groaned painfully as I felt Matt wrap his arms around my neck and force me into a sitting position, crushing me to his chest as he murmured words that I couldn’t make out even if I had wanted to as I recalled the dedication Adam had made to me once again.

“I can’t escape him no matter how much I try” I said, my voice sounding nothing like my own.

“I don’t know what that means. Can’t escape who?” Matt asked, looking down at me but not loosening his grip by any means.

“Adam” I sobbed, burrowing deeper into Matt’s chest, holding on as tight as I could to the arms still holding onto me. I cried and I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and was just too exhausted to do much else but slump against Matt’s warm and comforting body. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up I could see the sun starting to rise through the hotel window. “Matt” I called out his name, my throat still achy and sore as I sat up and found my best friend sitting on the end of the bed with the liner from Adam’s CD in his hand.

“You’re this Kris…the one he keeps dedicating his albums to?” He asked, looking so completely exhausted but awake enough to be pissed off that I had kept such a huge secret from him.

“Yes…” I croaked, tears clouding my eyes yet again but that time not only because of Adam but because I could see the conflicted emotions playing across Matt’s face as he continued to stare at me.

“You never told me” His eyes screamed out betrayal as he got up off of the bed and went to stand by the window.

“I know and I should have, but how do you bring up in conversation the fact that the biggest rock star in the world right now is your ex-boyfriend. It’s over and it doesn’t matter anymore” I lied because I knew that it would never be over, but I was hopeful that I could at least fool Matt into thinking that it was true as well as myself.

“It doesn’t look like it’s over for him” Matt looked down at the liner he still held in his hand. “You still should have told me Kris” I was starting to get angry because I didn’t understand why it was that he was so upset about the fact that I had at one time been with Adam and I was just about to speak up when he spoke first. “If you had told me you wouldn’t have had to go through this all alone because its obvious that he hurt you very much” I burst out into tears once again, Matt wrapping me in his arms as I cried over just how much I didn’t deserve the friendship that he lavished so abundantly upon me. I knew he deserved to hear the truth and with several sturdy breaths I did just that. “Whoa…” Was all he said after I told him everything, still holding me tightly within his arms.

“Yeah…” I replied so fucking exhausted that I just wanted to curl back up and fall back to sleep until the pain from Adam subsided, although I knew that it never would.

“So the guy at the venue last night that was Cassidy” He asked, looking completely overwhelmed after I had told him all about my crazy life and the part Cassidy played in it. “What do you think he wanted?” He questioned when I nodded, unable to speak, as fresh guilt and anger over Cassidy rolled over me. “I have to say that it’s pretty fucked up that he stole your boyfriend away from you and then has the nerve to show up several years later to what…taunt you. He’s lucky that I didn’t know who he was or what he had done or I would have kicked his fucking ass” I could hear the anger in Matt’s voice and despite everything it caused me to smile as I wondered for the millionth and one time since I had met him what I had done to deserve a friend like him.

“I love you Matt” I smiled sadly up at him, kissing him on the lips as if to prove my point. “You have no idea how much your friendship means to me”

“About the same that yours means to me” He grinned that crooked grin at me as he let go of me, grabbed onto the sides of my face and planted a wet smacker on my lips that time. “You started it” He laughed when I stumbled back at little when he finally let go of me, looking up at him with a playful grin on my own face.

“Good your both up” I heard my assistant speak, both Matt and I jumping at the sound of her voice because neither of us had heard her come in. “I’ve ordered your breakfast and it should be here soon and Matt I cancelled your plane ticket like you asked. They wouldn’t credit the difference back to your card but…”

“Cancelled your plane ticket?” I shot out, my heart beating a little faster in my chest as he grinned at me even wider.

“You need me and…”

“Matt…no” I cried out, jumping off of the bed, blushing like mad at the realization that I was only in my underwear as I shot him a dirty look because I knew he was the one who had removed my clothes after I passed out before, looking back at my assistant with an embarrassed one.

“We’re going to be working together for a long time Kristopher so get over the embarrassment now because I’ve got no interest in you in any way other then a professional level” I was still blushing despite her words as I looked around for my clothes, finding them folded and placed on a chair near the bath room. “As I was saying. They wouldn’t refund your ticket but I was able to get you a flight voucher that you can use anytime”

“Why did you cancel your flight?” I asked, standing in front of Matt with my hands on my waist ready to give him a full curse out because I already knew what he had in mind, but as he reached out and pulled me into his arms I lost the will to fight as I practically curled into his body. “You shouldn’t have done that” I spoke words that were muffled against his shirt. “You’re mom is going to kill you for not coming home”

“My mom would kill me if I did come home after everything I found out this morning” He replied, stepping back to look me dead in the eyes. “You need me and that is all there is to it” He winked with a smile before walking over towards the breakfast that had been delivered.

“Is there something that you need to tell me?” Valerie asked looking between the two of us. “I mean I know there is talk that the two of you are more then just good friends…but are the two of you more then just good friends?” Her eyes kept going back and forth between the two of us still waiting for a response.

“Kris and I are just good friends, best friends” He finally gave her a reprieve. “There’s more of a chance of being more then just good friends between you and I then with Kris” He laughed shooting her a wink and for some reason those words stung just a little bit more then I felt they should.

Chapter Nineteen

I have to admit it was awesome having Matt go back home with me. We had so much fun and got to hang out every night. I didn’t know why but a few days before we were scheduled to head back to Los Angeles he insisted on a tour of the apartment I used to live in with Adam and well as the hospital he stayed in when he was sick and even Cassidy’s old loft. It didn’t make any sense to me, but I had to admit that I was happy that he insisted on the hospital because despite the bad memories it held for me it was so nice to see a familiar face when we entered the lobby. She didn’t see me at first as I walked up to her, waiting until she was done talking to a patient before clearing my throat and getting her attention. “Hi…you may not remember me but…”

“Mr. Allen” She smiled at me with recognition in her eyes. “It’s so nice to see you again”

“It’s nice to see you again too Mrs. Jackson” I smiled, reaching forward and hugging her because seeing her again was bringing back so many painful memories and I just felt the urge. She didn’t seem to mind as she hugged me back, both of us stepping away from each other at the clearing of a throat behind us. “Mrs. Jackson this is my friend Matt” I introduced the two of them, watching as they shook hands.

“So what do we owe the honor of this visit and where is Adam?” She questioned as she looked around the lobby in search of the man she seemed to think I was still with.

“Um…Adam isn’t with me” I replied quickly, running my hand through my hair in frustration. “We uh…”

“Adam dumped him pretty much right after he got out of the hospital” Matt spoke up, making me want to murder him right there where he stood beside me.

“Oh Kris…I’m so sorry” She said and I could tell that she meant it as she took my hand and led me towards the same table I had sat at so many years before hand while filling out paperwork to admit my former lover. I didn’t say anything for a minute as I tried to deal with all the old haunts from my past, ignoring Matt completely when he sat down beside me and tried to place his arm around my shoulder.

“It’s ok” I shrugged Matt’s arm off, turning away from him altogether because I was pissed and a bit shocked at his outburst. “Adam decided that it was time to move on and it was probably the best decision he made because look at him now” I shared a smile with her and I knew it looked as fake as it felt at the look of sadness on her face. “It didn’t end pretty” I decided to be truthful as I gave the hand still holding mine a squeeze. “But my life has taken a turn for the better and I’ve decided to put everything in the past and move forward” I looked at Matt over my shoulder, my anger gone because I knew exactly why he had insisted on our little trip. “Thank you” I mouthed the words because he knew it was what I needed to do to move past the pain of my former life and move onwards towards my future. We spent some more time with Mrs. Jackson, her admitting with a blush that he had watched the two of us on American Idol and that she had voted every week for me. She never asked, but I knew she was curious about my relationship with Matt as she looked between us constantly as we talked. I was teary eyed when we left, hugging her tightly again and thanking her for everything she did for me so many years before that. She had tears in her eyes as well, wishing me the best of luck in my career before hugging Matt quickly and then taking her leave.

“You ok?” I heard Matt ask as we drove back to my tiny apartment.

“How did you know?” I asked instead of answering him, glancing at him quickly before turning my attention back towards the road.

“I just knew and now you can forget about Adam fuckerhead and Cassidy dickweed and move forward and be the rock star I know you can be” He replied with a chuckle and a grin, patting me on the thigh before turning his attention towards the passengers side window.

My life after that was even more maddening and insane as I finished up my album, did countless interviews and sang my heart out for the world to see. In between the insanity I released a single and it did even better then I thought it would as it shot right up to number one on most of the music charts. I couldn’t believe how different my life had become and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t love ever single second of it. I was doing what I loved to do and I was getting paid to do it. I wasn’t the struggling man from before who didn’t know from one month to next if he was going to have enough money to pay his rent. I didn’t have to forgo eating for a few days to ensure that the rent was met and even though I hadn’t truly had to be concerned about that since Jack had taken me in and given me my own apartment at the club, the fear had just ever went away.

My album was released soon after that and I was a nervous mess as we waited for the sales numbers to come in on release day. I was excited that the single had done well, but it was the album that I was more concerned about. I had poured my heart and soul into those songs, sometimes worrying that maybe I had put too much of myself into it and that the people would think that it was just a bunch of crap songs that were heavy and loaded with too much sappy meaning. The two songs I had written and put on the album were very personal and extremely emotional, but I felt that it was something that I had to do. It was as if I was releasing the demons that still seemed to haunt me about my past with Cassidy and Adam. The first one “Betrayal” was written about my relationship with Cassidy. It spoke of love found and then lost because fate had brought another person into the equation and that no matter how hard they tried to fight it, their story had to end. It was a personal and painful song, but because of it I had been able to come to terms with the betrayal of my love for Cassidy. “Abandoned” was the other song on the album I had written and it was all about Adam and the sense of lose he left within me when he abandoned me and the life we had made in California. I almost didn’t agree to put that one on the album because it was so personal and I knew that despite the fact that it was helpful to move on and away from the love I still held for Adam, I also knew that I would never be able to sing it live because it was too personal and held way to may memories for me to share over and over again.

The album did extremely well, surprisingly surpassing all former American Idol sales within the first week. I was excited beyond belief that people were actually enjoying my music much less willing to spend their hard earned money on it. The reviews by the critics were mostly supportive, a few here and there making not so nice comments about the two songs credited with my name, but I didn’t let them bother me much. They claimed that they seemed to be dark and painful compared to the rest of the album which held a few catchy poppy type songs and a few that we hoped would be crossover songs into the country genre. I began a small tour after that, finally getting a chance to meet some of my fans and as it was amazing. I was shocked at first at the diversity of them, learning rather quickly that I had a huge gay following even though I hadn’t come out about my sexuality yet. It made me happy and proud as I began to debate about coming out publicly. I had never hid my sexuality in the past, choosing to keep it to myself during Idol out of fear, and because of that fear there was a part of me that I knew would always regret that, but at the time I felt that it was something that I had to do as I moved forward in the ranks. But with the release of the album I didn’t want to avoid the questions about my sexual preference anymore and before I knew it there was a bitter battle with my management over my coming out to the public.

Turns out that the battle was a waste of time because a week after my album had been released Richard, my former lover and manager of the club I still owned released his own statement about my sexuality and the supposed relationship that we shared. My management quickly came up with all sorts of ways for me to deny his statements as we watched him talk about it on some crappy gossip show, but that all fell through when he had pictures to back it up. I had to admit I was more then a little pissed at Richard for doing what he did, but at the same time I was relieved in a sense because as much as my management team wanted me to deny the truth, those pictures were a vibrant and colorful truth.

“There almost pornographic” I heard Matt laugh in the phone later that night after the pictures had been released.

“They are not” I laughed back, looking at the pictures on some blog because honestly before Richard had fed them out into the public I hadn’t even known they existed. “Honestly…I don’t even remember taking these” I said, scrolling through them as I tried to recall when they had been taken.

“You look pretty drunk in most of them” Matt teased some more and I couldn’t help but laugh because he was right.

“Well there is no doubt they were taken in the club” I replied, looking at the few towards the bottom where Richard and I were in a booth together, his legs straddled by mine as I shoved my tongue down his throat.

“Do you think that he took them on purpose and planned to use them once you became famous?” He asked what I had already been thinking.

“I don’t know…maybe” I shrugged, closing off the page as I got up from my computer and walked into the kitchen of the apartment I was renting in L.A. “He claims we were in a relationship, but the truth of the matter was that it was just about sex and not being alone all the time” I spoke truthfully because I knew I could tell Matt those things and he wouldn’t judge me.

“I really hope that one day you find love Kris because you totally deserve it” Matt said, causing my heart to squeeze because I could tell that he meant it and my secret crush grew a little more.

“I love you ” I teased, although it hurt just a little bit to say it because I knew that he could never love me as anything more then a friend.

“I love you too Krissy” He teased back, his tone just as playful as I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath because I knew he had no idea that I felt anything more then friendship for him. “I’ve got to go. I’ve got an early meeting tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later” He didn’t wait for me to say anything as he disconnected the call and I thought that it was a bit odd from the way we usually ended our phone calls but I just chalked it up to acting like a teenaged girl and pushed the thoughts away.

Chapter Twenty-Six

My day seemed never ending and for the first time ever the show felt more like a chore then a night of play like it usually did. I could hardly stand, let alone think as I practically crawled into my hotel room afterward, too exhausted to care about anything else but sleep. My phone started ringing the moment I got into bed, but I didn’t even have the energy to see who it was as I curled up under the covers and fell asleep right away. I woke up the next morning to my phone still ringing off of the hook and my assistant standing before my bed with a look of such anger upon her face that it actually caused me to curl deeper into the sanctuary of covers. “What the fuck Kris?” Her voice was high and full of pitch as she continued to shoot daggers at me, my cell phone still screaming out on the bedside table. “What’s the matter you too chicken to answer your phone because I as well as the higher ups at the label have been trying to call you since the pictures came out early this morning”

“What pictures?” I asked timidly because I was more then afraid to raise my voice more then a whisper at the way she was glaring at me and also the fact that I had a feeling that I didn’t want to know what pictures she was talking about.

“Why the pictures of you and Adam of course” She smiled evilly at me as in a scene similar to before she threw a slew of magazines at me.

“Holy shit…Matt” I cried out as I saw the pictures of Adam and I kissing on my balcony from the day before. “Fuck…Matt” I grabbed for my still ringing phone, hitting the ignore key for whoever it was that was trying to reach me and dialing Matt’s number. “Matt…Matt…I cried out once I heard his voice, my stomach turning hard as a rock when I reached his voicemail. “Matt…it’s not what you think. Please…Matt you have to believe me when I tell you that it isn’t what you think. We kissed, but it meant nothing” I knew how cliché that sounded and yet I didn’t know what else to say as I closed my eyes in defeat and ended the call. “I suppose management is trying to reach me so they can finally fire me?” I asked, not even looking at her as I continued to stare at the blank screen of my phone.

“Oh quite the contrary” She was still grinning at me in an evil way as I finally found the nerve to look up at her. “They couldn’t be happier about you’re little tryst with Adam because in the last twenty four hours your album sales have gone up by twenty percent”

“What…why?” I asked, even more confused because my album had been out for nearly a year and if anything sales should have been going down.

“Adam Lambert is a rock god Kris and everything he touches turns to gold” The tone of her voice was mean and mocking and set me on edge in a way that I had never felt towards her before. “I hope that he’s worth breaking poor Matt’s heart” She went on as I gritted my teeth and tried to control the urge to explode in front of her. “How could you Kris. I mean after everything you have told me about Adam and what he did to you and then there’s Matt who has done nothing but be there for you and love you and you do this to him. No wonder he’s not answering his phone because if I was him I wouldn’t ever take another phone call from you again and…”

“ENOUGH” I screamed at the top of my lungs, jumping up off of the bed, not caring that I was only in my underwear as I strode up to her. “The last time I checked you worked for me and I don’t know who you think you are but you won’t ever talk to me like that again if you want to keep your job” I was more pissed off then I had felt in a while as I glared at her instead, enjoying the fact that she actually seemed to be scared as she took a step back and fell into a chair behind her. “Not that it’s any of your fucking business but I didn’t cheat on Matt with Adam. It was a kiss, plain and simple. Well maybe not so simple” I backtracked for a second before getting back to the point I was trying to make. “The fact of the matter is that there isn’t anything going on between Adam and I and as for the label and my increased record sales, I could give two shits about that. Now…you are going to get on the contraption you call a phone and you are going to keep calling Matt until he answers his phone”

“What if I can’t reach him?” She asked, her voice actually low compared to the loudness that usually came from her.

“Then you call everyone and anyone that you know who knows him until you do. Don’t fail at this task Valerie because you job depends on it” I threatened her, even though we both knew that I wouldn’t go through with it because like it or not this girl had me by the balls and was so interwoven in my private and personal life that if I fired her I’d just as well kill myself without her.

“Just for the record” I heard her say as I turned to walk into the bathroom. “I’m going to let you get away with talking to me like this today, but it won’t happen again” She proved my point as I shook my head in agreement before locking myself in the bathroom. It took her pretty much all day to finally reach Matt, but once she did he still refused to speak to me. I wanted to cry as I watched her pretty much beg the man that I loved to speak to me over and over again, only to end the call a few minutes later with a frown on her face. “He’s upset. Give him a day or two and he’ll probably calm down enough to speak to you”

“Yeah…maybe” I replied, not believing for a second that that would happen as the two of us left my hotel room and went downstairs to the car waiting to take me to my next show. That show felt like it took forever to end and as much as I tried to focus on being positive and full of energy, by the end of it I felt as if I let my fans down as well as Matt. I didn’t even stay around for the meet and greet afterwards as I had the car take me back to my hotel and the empty bed I had waiting for me. I had no idea where Valerie was, not having seen her since we had been dropped off at the concert hall earlier that night and in truth I really didn’t care as I stuck my key card into the lock on the door and prepared to wallow in complete and utter misery until my flight back home the next afternoon. I almost had a heart attack when Valerie came bursting out of the door once I opened it, an actual smile on her face.

“Don’t screw this up” She warned playfully, still smiling before she hugged me. “You’re flight for tomorrow had been cancelled, but I’ll give you the full details tomorrow later in the day, much, much later in the day. Don’t screw it up” She said again, hugging me again before traipsing down the hallway. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping and praying that Matt was waiting for me on the other side of that door.

“Are you coming in or are you going to stand out where all night?” I heard a familiar voice say as I opened my eyes and found Matt standing before me with the biggest grin on his handsome face.

“I was hoping you were going to be here” I replied stupidly, smiling so wide that my cheeks hurt.

“Well Valerie called me like a millions times and then she called every single person that I knew until they got pissed off and told me to call her back. She bitched me out once I did and told me that my flight was already booked and that it would be in my best interest not to miss it. She kind of scares me a little” He snorted, the two of us still just standing there grinning like idiots at each other.

“She kind of scares me a lot” I replied, my heart so full of love at the moment that I just knew it was going to explode. “Nothing happened between Adam and I” I rushed out, tears blazing down my face. “It was just a kiss, but it made me realize how much I love you and how much I want to be with you”

“Ok…” He replied off handedly.

“Ok?” I repeated, really not knowing what to think one way or the other by that single word.

“Just come inside” He took my hand and led me inside, the sight before me letting me know that I had already been forgiven. The lighting was low, there was soft music playing in the background as well as a bottle of champaign chilling near the mini bar. “I was a fool to tell you to talk to Adam because I knew that there was a huge chance that despite how everything played out the last time you got together, that the two of you would find a way to make amends and realize that you still loved each other. I just had to know Kris” He looked sad as he looked down at the floor, my hand still in his. “I had to know that you were truly over him before I could ever think about putting my heart totally on the line, but then you left for your tour and after talking to you night after night, I realized that it was too late. I signed my heart completely over to you the moment that I laid eyes on you that first day during auditions. I took one look at you sitting in the conference room looking all sweet and innocent and I was a goner, by the time you left to go on tour I realized that I had given you my soul as well. I love you and there is nothing more that I want to do then spend the rest of my life being owned by you” He finally looked up at me and as much as I tried to stop myself I burst out laughing.

“A simple I love you would have sufficed” I wheezed, laughing even harder when he glared at me mockingly. “Oh and by the way…I love you too” I cried out as I reached forward and pulled him towards me, kissing the very breath from him between kisses. I didn’t know what was going to happen between Adam and I, didn’t know if we would ever speak to each other again, or if we would actually be able to move forward and try and have some semblance of a friendship. I didn’t know what my record label was going to say when they finally found out that I wasn’t dating the great Glambert and was actually in love with the runner up of American Idol, Season Eight and yet I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was probably going to lose it all because I was so head over heels in love with Matt Giraud that nothing else mattered. I knew that there were probably going to be battles along the way as our relationship progressed, but I was willing to take them on because I knew with Matt at my side that I would conquer each and every one of them.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I was with Matt for nearly three years before fate decided to intervene and move our lives into two completely different directions. We both fought for it for a long time before it was evident that we weren’t supposed to be together and we finally admitted defeat. Our lives were great at the very beginning as we adjusted to the lives of an out and proud gay couple. My second album became an overnight success, doing even better then the first one. Matt sophomore album for some reason did not seem to connect well with the American public, but it was explosive in Europe. He used to tell me constantly that he didn’t care that his record had for the most part been shunned in his home country, but I could tell he was lying and it was pretty much the beginning of the end for us. I never said anything to him about it, constantly trying to downplay my success, which is probably what started the divide between us, but at the time all I cared about was sparing his feelings. I did everything in my power to include Matt in my success while his management tried to decide what to do with him, but nothing every worked. It was busy and insane as I was invited to promote my album and current single on all the hottest television shows, also being asked to perform and present on a couple of award shows as well and each time I had to do it alone. Matt’s refusal to come with me hurt me more then I would ever admit to him, but what hurt even more was that he didn’t seem to notice or care and it was starting to feel like the relationship I had shared with Adam towards the end. I was determined that I wasn’t going to allow that to happen again as I begged my manager and the label for some time off, knowing that doing so there was a huge chance of hurting my sales, but for Matt I was willing to risk it. I asked for two weeks, they allowed me five days, but I didn’t care because I felt it was enough time to talk some sense into Matt and get our relationship back on track. I decided to surprise him with a trip to New York but from the moment we boarded that plane it was apparent that Matt was not happy about our trip and that my plans to try and salvage our relationship was going to be a huge waste of time.

He pretty much said nothing to me on the plane, avoiding any sort of contact until I curled up into my seat and tried not to let it get to me. He started complaining the moment that we entered out hotel room, saying that it was too big and extravagant for just the two of us and pretty much accusing me of flaunting my money at him. I ignored his jab, instead pulling out the itinerary I had created before we had left and attempting to show him. He wanted nothing to do with it or me as he then accused me of trying to dominate his life before storming out and leaving me completely confused and angry. He came back hours later drunk out of his mind, mumbling words that didn’t make much sense to me before he stumbled onto our bed and passed out. I didn’t know what was going on with Matt, and as much as I was determined to find out, I had a horrible feeling in the back of my mind that kept telling me that I wasn’t going to like it once I had. I eventually fell asleep beside the man that I still loved, only to wake up the next morning with Matt gone once again. I tried calling his cell phone, but realized he had left it in the room when I heard my ringtone blaring up from the floor where he had lost his pants on his way to bed the night prior. I had no idea where he was once again and my confusion only continued to grow when he showed up a few hours later in a hotel robe and despite his drunkenness the night before looking quite refreshed.

“Where the hell have you been?” I yelled, storming into the living area to find him lounging on the couch.

“I went and got a massage at the spa downstairs” He shrugged, taking a sip from a water bottle that had been sitting on the coffee table.

“And you didn’t think to wake me and see if I wanted to go?” I asked, my voice softer because Matt’s actions were really quite hurtful.

“I needed some alone time to think” He replied, actually looking quite sad as he sat up and stared at the wall behind me. “We need to talk Kris” I closed my eyes and ducked my head when he finally focused on my face because I already knew what was coming, his eyes saying everything loud and clear.

“It seems you’ve already made up your mind, so what is there to talk about” I kept my eyes closed because I knew if I opened them the tears hiding behind them would stream down my face.

“Kris please” He sounded so sad as I opened them and allowed the tears to fall. I didn’t hesitate to take his hand when he held it out towards me, sitting next to him on the couch, but feeling as far removed from him as the Grand Canyon. “The label thinks that it would be a good idea for me to move overseas and pursuer my career over there” He began, still holding my hand. “I told them no”

“What?” I cried out in shock as I looked up at him. “Matt, I don’t understand”

“I told them no” He repeated, releasing my hand before he got up and started pacing before me. “I love you Kris and you have to believe that I’m happy about your success” I knew he meant those words as I waited for him to continue. “But as you know my second album pretty much tanked the minute it was released, but for some reason they love me in Europe” He gave me a sad smile before he began pacing again. “Several months ago they called me into a meeting and told me their new strategy for my career, but I told them no because I love you and the life that we share”

“But you’re having seconds thoughts about it now” I finished for him, my voice a shuddering mess because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Matt and I wouldn’t be leaving that hotel room together in the end.

“I tried Kris” He said, sitting down beside me and once again taking my hand. “I really tried, but my music is everything and I need to do this”

“I understand that” I cried out and I did because my music meant everything to me, but I could tell that it wasn’t going to change our outcome. “We can still do this Matt. We can still make this relationship work” I tried despite everything. “I love you. I don’t want us to end over this”

“Is that really what you want Kris? Do you really want the two of us living on two different continents, in two different time zones, trying to hold onto something that we both know won’t work” His words were like a direct stab to the heart as I released the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and fell completely apart. “I’m so sorry baby” I heard him cry against my ear as he pulled me into his arms and just held me. “I really do love you and I didn’t want it to end this way, but I have to see where this can go. I’ve tried to make us work, but I’ve found myself becoming so fucking bitter and I’m starting to hate your success. I love you baby” He pushed me back enough to look into my eyes. “And if things were to continue the way they were I would come to hate you for it and I don’t want to hate you Kris”

“I don’t want you to hate me either. I love you Matt” I insisted. “Ok…so I’ll go with you” I said with a smile because I thought I had come up with the perfect solution. “I’ll take some time off and go with you. You’ve supported my career from the very beginning and now I can return the favor” I tried to hug him but he pushed me away and instead of happiness at the fact that I had found a way for us to stay together, I only found sadness looking back at me. “You’ve already made your decision to leave me” I said, stepping away from him because it hurt so much to be near him. “There isn’t anything that I can say or do to chance your mind is there?” I didn’t wait for him to answer as I fell back onto the couch. “How long have you been thinking about this Matt?” I asked, not even trying to hide the tears coursing down my cheeks. “How long?” I asked when he didn’t answer right away.

“About six months” He finally replied, his face a mask of shame and pain.

“So you had already made the decision to leave me before they spoke to you?” I already knew the answer, but at the time I think I needed to hear it to make everything final.

“Yes…” He replied so softly that I hardly heard him, but even if I hadn’t heard it I would have already known the answer y the look in his eyes. “You have to believe me that it has nothing to do with you Kris” He rushed out, his voice thicker, loaded with pain as he sat down beside me on the couch. “I love you. I wasn’t lying when I told you I fell for you the moment I saw you during the auditions, but your career…” He stopped and took a breath, taking my hands into his. “You’re career just exploded just like I knew it would. You’re an amazing performer Kris and the world sees that. I love you…but you have your fucking career and I would never ask you to give it up because I know it means everything to you, just like mine means everything to me” And just like that my relationship with Matt came to an end. I decided to stay in New York alone as I tried to cope with everything that had just happened and why it was that it seemed I would never find love and truly be happy. I thought I had found that with Matt, but as I watched his plane leave the next day I came to terms with the fact that I was destined to be alone and that love was meant for others, but just not me.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I was a changed man once I got back to Los. Angeles. I decided not to focus on my washed up love life and instead focus on my career and what I could do to help others. I did a few good will trips, played a couple of shows for our soldiers serving overseas and then when that was done I decided to start my own charity. It was a lot of hard work, but it was more rewarding then anything I had ever done in my lifetime. I talked about it to everyone and anyone that would listen and along the way other celebrities joined in to help. I was surprised with each one that called to let me know they were on board, but the most surprising was when I got a phone call from Adam out of the blue one night. We hadn’t spoken since he had stormed out of my hotel room so many years before hand and as his name flashed on the screen before me, I found myself almost petrified to answer it.

“Hello…” I finally got the nerve to answer, my heart beating so quickly in my chest as I waited for him to speak. “Hello…Adam?” I questioned when it seemed like an eternity passed, but it had only been a few seconds and he hadn’t spoken a word.

“I heard about you and Matt and I just wanted to say I’m sorry” He finally spoke, my heart dropping for a moment because I hadn’t allowed myself to think about Matt since I had returned from New York. I tried to reply to him but all that came out was a shuddering sob as I finally allowed my broken and still confused heart to shatter. “I’m coming over” I heard him say and I yet I still said nothing because my throat seemed to have closed up on me. Instead, I ended the call, curled up on my bed and just cried. I don’t remember much after that, just opening my eyes to a darkened room, a warm body wrapped all around me and a familiar scent that once again brought tears to my eyes. “I’m here” I heard Adam whisper as he wrapped his arms even tighter around my body. “I’m here” He repeated and I didn’t even care that I had no idea how he ended up in my apartment because for the first time since Matt had left me I didn’t feel so bone crushingly alone. I didn’t even remember falling back to sleep after that as I opened my eyes once again, squinting and crying out in pain as the sun slapped me square in the face with its warmth and brightness. Closing my eyes I curled deeper under the duvet, intending to sleep the rest of the day away, only to have them fly open again when I realized I was once again alone in my bed. I wondered if the previous night had all been a dream as I surveyed the room and found nothing to prove that Adam had actually been there. I didn’t know why but I actually felt sadder and lonelier after that as I threw the covers over my head and shifted further into the pillow next to me. My eyes opened yet again when my hand came in contact with a piece of paper, my heart speeding up as I forced myself to sit up and read what was written on it.

Kris,
I had an early meeting this morning that I couldn’t get out of. I really am sorry that things didn’t work out with Matt. I’d like to come back and visit with you later this afternoon if you’re free. However, after our last encounter I’d understand if you didn’t want anything to do with me. I think you have my number, but just incase you don’t you will find it at the bottom on this note. I’d really like to be your friend Kris and I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive my sins from the past. I await your response.

Adam.

555-5835

I waited for the anger and upset to take over like it always had in the past, but I felt nothing but the pain and despair over losing Matt. It was right there in that very moment that I realized that I really was over everything from the past and that I really did want to move away from it and maybe become friends with Adam. I wasn’t sure if it was going to work, but I really wanted to give it a try as I reached for my cell phone on the dresser next to the bed and dialed the number already programmed into my phone. I had a feeling that he was probably still in his meeting when he didn’t answer, taking a deep breath before leaving the message I knew was going to change both of our lives forever. “I’d like to be your friend too” My voice was raw and heavy, but I truly meant those words as I disconnected the call. I slept for a few more hours before I forced myself to get up and take a shower. I was halfway dressed when I heard my doorbell ring, my heart pounding heavily in my chest because I already knew who it was. Pulling my shirt over my head I padded barefoot into the hallway, taking a deep breath before opening the door and finding exactly who I knew it would be standing before me.

“I brought lunch if you’re hungry” He held up a bag, the wonderful aroma making my long empty stomach growl. “I guess that’s a yes” He laughed, making a move to step forward, but hesitating as he waited for me to respond.

“Thank you” I ground out, tears in my eyes once again as I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around his chest. I couldn’t help but giggle as the bag he was holding slapped me in the head as he tried to hold onto it and keep the two of us from falling on the floor.

“You’re welcome” I heard him smile against my ear as he steadied himself, wrapping his free arm around me. “Now come on and let’s eat” I couldn’t have agreed more as my stomach growled loudly once again. We didn’t say anything as we plated the food he had brought, still not speaking when we finally sat down at the table and began to eat. I didn’t know what to say to Adam and he seemed to be in the same boat as we smiled shyly at each other across the table before we both started laughing. “Awkward much” He laughed again, such a look of happiness on his face that for some strange reason it caused me to relax as I cocked my head and really took in how much Adam had changed since we had been together. “What?” He asked, still smiling when I just continued to stare at him.

“I just can’t believe how much you’ve changed since we’ve been together” I said, still taking in the man sitting before me.

“Well I had to” He shrugged, moving his eyes to the plate in front of him. “Do you think that I would be as popular as I am now if I looked like I did back then” There was a sadness to his voice that I didn’t understand and then it hit me that Adam probably had suffered just as much as I had after he left for New York.

“I do” I replied truthfully because I always knew that Adam was destined for great things from the first time that I heard him sing. “Besides, I happened to think that you were quite amazing to look at back then” I smiled because it really was true. True, he didn’t have the perfectly styled and shiny hair or the fancy clothes, but I loved him so much just the same. I felt a pang in my heart as I recalled how much I loved just looking at him, touching him, just being in his presence and it brought a tear to my eye. “To me you were always beautiful and amazing” My voice was soft and heavy, the tears thicker in my eyes, but that time it wasn’t because of anger and hated but of a fondness of that life we had lived before it went off center. “I’m sorry” I shook my head slightly to clear away the subdued feeling that had quickly settled around the table.

“Thank you” He smiled at me with tears in his eyes as well. “You however, you haven’t changed a bit” He laughed slightly at the cock eyed look I gave him because I felt as if I had changed leaps and bounds from the naïve person I had been. “It’s true” He continued. “Other then that fact that you’ve aged a little in years, you still look the same to me. You have the same mannerisms and god forbid your fashion sense seems to have gotten worse since you’ve come into the big time” I couldn’t help but laugh with him because despite the fact that I now had enough money to buy all the latest fashions I still preferred the laid back look. “I bet if I went into your closet right now I would find some of the same clothes that you wore when we were together” Again I just laughed because I knew for a fact that those words were true. “Matt was always such a snappy dresser, I’m surprised that he didn’t rub off on you” My smile turned to a frown at the mention of Matt’s name, Adam stumbling all over himself once he had realized his blunder. “Fuck…Kris…I’m sorry”

“It’s ok” I replied and I meant it because I knew it was time for me to start moving past Matt and the hurt caused by our break up. I had avoided it for far to long and I knew that if I didn’t work my way through it that I would probably have nothing but resentment and anger towards him like I had towards Adam. I knew I had a right to be angry at Matt for the way our relationship had ended, but if I had learned anything by my actions towards Adam, I knew that I couldn’t go through that again with Matt. “I really do want to be your friend Adam” I reinstated my earlier message as I reached over and took his hands into my own. “I’m tired of the fighting and the anger. I’m ready to move past it and have you in my life again” Again I waited for any lingering anger or resentment to surge forward, but I felt nothing but hope as I gazed into Adam’s eyes and found them smiling back at me. We talked for hours after we finished eating, sometimes it becoming a bit awkward because it was so new and we had to find common ground once again, but as I said goodbye to Adam at the door much later that afternoon I felt as if we were in the right direction.

Surprisingly enough a friendship between us blossomed rather quickly as we fell into a pattern of getting together to hang out as much as we could, or talking on the phone when our busy schedules prevented it. It was nice to have someone that I felt I could talk to and soon enough I began to feel as if I could trust Adam once again with all of my secrets, not that I had many to share. It was amazing how easy it was to just be his friend and as concerned as I was that there might be some lingering issues from our past, when something did come up we were able to work past it rather quickly. Adam had started dating a very sweet artist named Drake and as much as I wanted to dislike him for dating the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with, instead I found myself liking him and really enjoying his company even when Adam wasn’t around. He seemed to balance Adam in a way that not many others, including myself could and I found myself happy that they had found each other. I tried dating off and on for awhile, even going on a couple of blind dates that Adam had set up for me, but it usually never went further then a date or two before I got bored, maybe even a little scared and never called them again. Adam hounded me constantly to try and find love, but I just didn’t think that I was ready. I was still so emotionally scarred by both Adam and Matt that the idea of even trying or thinking about looking for love terrified me.

I thought of Cassidy often during those times, because he had been just as terrified of love when I showed up in his life. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since that night at the label party and I still held hope that one day he would be able to forgive me for what I had done to him. I had learned from Adam that he had moved to Australia and was pursuing his music there. I wasn’t sure what kind of move that was for his career, but I hoped that he was happy and life was treating him well. He and Adam were still friends, but sadly their correspondence had dwindled down and other then his move over there, he didn’t really know what was going on in Cassidy’s life. I wanted to call him so many times and try and work through everything like Adam and I had, but the coward in me hindered that process and so I just focused on my new friendship with Adam and the amazing life of celebrity I was living.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The problem about living the life of a celebrity was that your time was never your own, your life was constantly laid out for the masses to ogle and privacy was nearly non-existent. I loved my life and I was happy with it, but the fact that I could hardly take a shit without it being major news was really hard for me to deal with sometimes and the fact that Adam and I were friends again made it so much harder to deal with. From the first moment he and I went out in public the madness known as Kradam began. Adam was used to it because his career was larger then mine and he had been at it quite a bit longer, but for me it was a struggle not to beat the vultures that followed us constantly with their own cameras. They were horrible when we were apart, but it was even worse when we were together and it got to the point where I didn’t want to hang out with Adam past the safety of our homes when we were able to spend time together. Adam was still dating Drake and out in public with him enough for it to be a well known fact and yet whenever we did go out, even if Drake was with us people automatically assumed that we were together. I felt horrible for poor Drake who had to listen to the gossip and see the pictures with tag lines starting that we were more then just friends, but he was a great guy and he took it all in stride. I was actually starting to resent Hollywood and everything that it represented. I was tired of the lies and the constant intrusions of my privacy and I was over the fake and plastic celebrities themselves, those that I didn’t know and those that I wasted my time on and dated. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to waste my time on them anymore, wasn’t going to waste my time on anyone any more and then all that changed rather quickly with a chance meeting.

Jeremy was a breath of fresh air from the minute I met him. I sure as heck wasn’t expecting to find him, but for the short time that we were together it was a nice distraction from the craziness that was my life. He wasn’t part of the Hollywood scene, working as a cashier at a guitar center in downtown Los Angeles. I had gone in to find a new guitar to take on my next tour with me and walked out with a smile on my face and his phone number in my pocket. We had just started talking music and it just clicked from there. He was cute and funny and so down to earth that I wanted to steal him away from his menial job and hide him away so he would always stay that way. I knew I couldn’t do that and so I asked him out on a date, which he happily accepted. We dated for only a few short weeks, managing to keep it thankfully under the radar. I enjoyed spending time with Jeremy and despite my earlier fear of commitment; I actually found myself wanting to take what we had further and maybe think about pursuing a relationship. He seemed on board as well and I found myself really starting to develop feelings for him thankful once again that I had finally found someone who wasn’t part of the industry and wanted nothing more then to be with just Kris Allen the man and not the rock star. That all changed one morning with a frantic call from Adam as once again I found myself hurting and declaring that I would never take a chance with another man again. I was in stunned shock as I sat before the television, Adam and Drake on each side of me as I watched a woman claiming to be Jeremy’s wife fake crying on one of the local gossip channels. She told a story of how I had seduced her husband into being with me and that because of it I had broken up their happy home. I was numb with horror as I watched her hold up a photo to the camera of Jeremy, herself and two young children. “I didn’t know” I finally found the words to say as I continued to stare at the photo because never in a million years would I have done anything with him if I had known he had a wife and children.

The media jumped on the story as expected and ran with it. I was labeled a home wrecker, my named dragged through the mud as every righteous asshole in the media preached the evils of my existence. Jeremy himself had sold our story to one of the biggest gossips rags in the country, agreeing with what his wife had said and totally leaving my hanging in the wind. I was hurt and I shed a few tears, but at the same time I wasn’t really surprised by it all because I had finally accepted the fact that I wouldn’t ever find the true love I always craved for since I was a kid, that I was always going to be alone and as much as that haunted me, for my sanity I felt it was the best decision I had ever made in my life. The label didn’t know what to do with the media hailstorm that I had created and so they decided to ship me out of the country for a few months in hopes that once I returned the gossip mongers would have found someone else to dig their claws into. I was angry that they didn’t seem to be on my side, but I didn’t fight them as I found myself boarding a plane for Australia still numb and trying to process everything that had happened. It wasn’t just a vacation they were sending me on in that they wanted me to write some songs for a new up and coming artists, the veiled threat of not fucking this up or my own career could be over lingering in my mind.

Australia was beautiful and amazing and exactly what I needed after everything that happened. It was nice to just be alone and away from the madness, not having to worry about everyone watching my every move and sharing it with the world. There I was free to walk the streets and not have paparazzi constantly in my face taking my picture and asking the most inappropriate questions about my life. Occasionally someone would recognize me; they would ask me for an autograph or a picture and then go away. I found myself relaxed in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time and with that relaxation my creativity began to flow and over the course of a few weeks I had nearly two dozen songs ready to hand over to the record company once I went back. I hated the idea of going back to the States, but at the same time I missed spending time with Adam and Drake and I was ready to start focusing on my own music career as well.

I ran into Cassidy one week before I was scheduled to go back home. I had totally forgotten that Adam had told me he was living in Australia until I saw him walking in a park near my hotel with a smile on his face and a child perched on top of his shoulders. I had to look twice to make sure it was him, my feet moving towards him before I even knew what I was going to saw once I had reached him. “Kris?” I heard him cry out when I stopped in front of him. “Oh my god…Kris” He yelled grinning from ear to ear as he placed the child on the ground next to him, grabbing onto me and hugging me so tightly that he took my breath away. “What are you doing here?” He asked once he had placed me back on the ground, smiling down at what turned out to be a little girl before reaching out and taking her hand.

“Vacation…work…thing” I stammered, my heart filled with excitement that he actually seemed happy to see me. “It’s so good to see you”

“Yeah…yeah…you too” He smiled at me, reaching down to pluck the little girl into his arms. “Look…I have to get Clara back to her mother, but we should get together and talk”

“I’d like that” I replied quickly, hoping and praying that he really meant those words because I really wanted to talk to Cassidy and close that lingering part of hurt in my life for good.

“Where are you staying?” He asked, winking at the child in his arms before turning his attention back towards me. “How about I stop by tonight if you don’t have anything planned” He said when I told him.

“Promise” The word was out of my mouth and sounded so desperate that I wanted to cram it back down my throat and run away, but a gentle hand on my arm stopped me.

“I promise” He replied with so much happiness in his eyes that I felt the fear and concern drain away. “I’ll see you later then” He winked at me before walking off, the little girl staring at me over his shoulder as he did. I found myself dying to find out about her and the fact that she was nearly the spitting image of the man holding her. “She’s my daughter” He told me several hours later over dinner in my room after showing up at my hotel as promised.

“Your daughter” I smiled, because I couldn’t help it at how happy Cassidy seemed to be. “She’s really beautiful Cass” I said and I meant those words because she truly was a beautiful child with flawless skin and dark eyes just like her father.

“She is isn’t she” He beamed, reaching into his pocket and pulling out several pictures from his wallet. “She’s been my little miracle Kris” She continued to smile, making me smile and soak in the happy vibe surrounding him. “I came here to get away from everything because I found myself unhappy and hating my life in L.A. and then she was born and I realized that none of that mattered anymore, that all that matters is her and making sure that she’s loved and taken care of”

“I’m so sorry about everything Cassidy” I blurted out, tears glistening in my eyes. I knew it wasn’t the right time or place to talk about our past, but I was so ready to talk about it and move onward that once again my mouth worked ahead of my brain.

I watched him hesitate for am moment, his eyes getting a distant look because I knew he was thinking about the night I broke his heart. I waited for him to tell me being there was a mistake as I closed my eyes and waited for the words to come. Instead, he reached out and touched my face, my eyes brimming with tears as I opened them and found him looking at me with such kindness in his eyes. “I forgive you Kris. I did a long time ago. I probably should have told you that before I left, but I never did. I hope you can forgive me for that and for…”

“I don’t have anything to forgive you for” I stopped him, wrapping my hand around his wrist and holding his hand against my face just a bit longer because I just wasn’t ready to let go. “Can we move past everything…maybe be friends?” I asked once I did let go, holding my breath as I waited for him to respond.

Chapter Thirty

“I’d love that” He replied with a smile and right then and there I felt as if everything in my life finally had clicked into place. I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt since first moving to California and meeting the two men that I knew were always going to be a part of my life. “Come on…let’s go for a walk” He brought me back to the moment as he pushed away from the table, taking my hand and leading me towards the door. “We can get some air and continue to catch up with our lives.

“Ok” I replied with my own smile as I walked beside him, his hand still in mine. We ended up sitting on a deserted beach, staring out into the dark water as we caught up on each others lives. I told Cassidy all about my relationship with Matt, proud of myself that I was able to actually speak of it and not break down into a total mess. He told me about how he had decided to move there after playing at a gay pride rally several years before his life became a fucked up mess in L.A. I learned that he had befriended another American girl during that time and had kept in touch with her when he had gone back to the States, living with her in an artist colony for many months before their friendship turned into something more when he went back to Australia. He shocked me when he said he had fallen in love with her, learning several months later that she was pregnant with his child. The relationship fizzled out rather quickly after her birth because despite the fact that he had truly fallen in love with her, he knew in his heart that he was gay and that he needed to be true to that aspect of his life. They had remained friends and together they shared the raising of their daughter. “Are you happy Cass?” I asked when a blanket of quiet fell over us as we continued to look out into the water.

“I’ve been content” He replied, drawing his eyes away from the rushing waves and looking down at me. “Then Clara came along and everything seemed better” He hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath before starting up once again. “I’ve been waiting for you” He said, still looking at me as I tried to figure out what he meant by that. “I knew you were coming but I just didn’t know when. You being here makes me happy”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean” I blurted out, confused and a little bit scared as he continued to stare into my eyes.

“Jenna, Clara’s mother sees things" He began, my breath catching in my throat because I was really afraid to hear what he had to say next. "Right after we broke up she told me that she had already seen it coming and that she was just a stepping stone in the path of my life. She told me that the person I was meant to be with was coming and that we would be together until my dying day”

“Cassidy…I don’t…”

“She told me that he was someone that had been part of my past, but that our souls weren’t fully ready to be together at that time" He continued with such a happy smile on his face. “She never told me your name, but she said that you were coming and that we would meet in a place surrounded by trees” I felt as if Cassidy had lost him mind as I got up and walked to the edge of the shore, crossing my arms over my chest because I suddenly felt very cold and unsure of what to do or say next. “She told me that you had sworn off love, but that after I convinced you that we were meant to be that our lives would finally be in sync and the love that we feel for each other would make us happier then we had been in a long time”

“I don’t believe in any of that shit” I spat out rather rudely, more in fear then anger because his words scared and confused the shit out of me.

“You can’t stand there and tell me that you don’t still love me Kris because I know you do” The calmness in his voice grating on me in ways that I couldn’t explain.

“Of course I still love you…you were my first love” I found myself blurting out, my breath catching in my throat as he walked over to where I stood, placing his hands on either side of my face before he leaned down and kissed me. I really wanted to push him away, wanted to run away from that madman and hide from his words, but a rightness settled over me as he increased the velocity of that kiss and instead I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck and falling into the kiss head long. "This doesn't make any sense" I rasped against his lips before delving in for another kiss. "I...I wasn't looking for this. I don't believe in love anymore"

"Then believe in me" He said, pulling back enough to gaze lovingly into my eyes. "You know you can always believe in me"

"I believe" I whispered, feeling so totally confused and yet as if everything in my life was finally right. We somehow ended up back at my hotel where we made love to each other for hours until we were too exhausted to do more then share lazy kisses and gentle touches. "I never saw this coming" I sighed between those kisses, still a lot confused at what was happening between us, but really not wanting it to end.

"I know" Cassidy replied, kissing me again. "Jesus, you're still such an amazing kisser" I couldn't help but blush at his words, closing my eyes and arching upwards as he continued to wonderfully abuse my lips. "I could never get enough of them before and it seems nothings changed now" We made out for a bit longer before my exhaustion over took me and I fell into a blissful sleep. When I woke up several hours later I found Cassidy snoring softly behind me and I was immediately brought back years prior when Cassidy and I had been together and in love. I couldn't help but smile at how amazing and loving he had been in every sense of the word when I was still so young and naïve in the ways of love and sex. My smile disappeared though as I recalled how Cassidy had begged me not to break his heart and how I had done just that when my feelings for Adam pushed forward. I felt the guilt squeeze at my heart because although Cassidy had said he had forgiven me I still couldn't let it go. "That's not a very flattering look on that beautiful face of yours" I heard the man lying beside me say groggily.

"Cassidy...what are we doing?" I asked, sitting up as I tugged the rumpled sheets over my naked lower body.

"Getting on with our lives baby" He replied with a smile as he leaned forward and kissed my shoulder.

"But how can we after everything I did to you. You begged me not to hurt you and I did and then there's Adam who is a part of my life now and..." I was in a near panic, my arms flailing wildly around me.

"Kris...baby...that's all in the past. I already told you I forgive you and I meant that. Kris...I love you. I've always loved you and I'm always going to love you" I could tell he meant those words and it brought tears to my eyes.

"But how? How can you still love me after everything that I've done to you?" I sobbed, my emotions dizzied and confused as I hide my face in my hands and just fell apart.

"Because I just do honey and that's all there is to it" He replied softly, raising my head gently until I was looking up at his face. "I love you and I forgive you...enough said" He smiled with a shrug before he leaned forward and kissed me. I didn’t know what to think because I had been blooded and bruised by love and I was still so guilty about breaking Cassidy's heart in our past, but as he laid me out on the bed and continued to kiss me I found myself willing to put my heart out there once again because in some strange and familiar way I knew that Cassidy was going to be there to protect it.

Chapter Thirty-One

I got to meet Jenna later that day and as much as I couldn't understand how Cassidy had fallen in love with a woman, after just a few minutes I found myself falling in love with her as well. She was beautiful to look at but she also had an inner beauty about her that drew you right in and made you feel almost like family. I was also introduced to their daughter and like her mother I fell in love with her from the moment I held her in my arms. “She’s drawn to you” I heard Jenna say as I continued to hold her, my heart filling with a love that I had never experienced before with anyone. “Come let’s talk” She held out her hand to me, nodding at Cassidy to take Clara from me. I felt almost an emptiness as he took her from me, Jenna tugging me towards the back of the home that they shared. “You are drawn to her too” She said as we entered a beautiful garden. “Everything is now falling into place”

“None of this makes any sense to me” I replied, sitting down under a tree when Jenna sat down and patted the space beside her.

“I know that you’re confused Kris, but what’s happening is your destiny. You’ve been lost for such a very long time but you’ve found your way again and you are now on the path you belong. You are meant for great things Kristopher, the ones that hurt you in your past just stepping stones to build you up and make you into the man you are today, the man that you are supposed to be” I had no idea what the heck she was talking about and I guess she could tell as she took my hand into her own once again and held it against her chest. “You’re confused and you probably think that I have lost my mind” She giggled and I couldn’t help but smile despite my confusion.

“I don’t know what to think. It’s all so weird and far fetched” I shrugged. “It’s like some sort of really bad science fiction movie. I’m sorry that was rude of me” I mumbled, feeling like a total asshole as I took my hand back and placed it in my lap.

“You’re not the first to doubt my abilities and you won’t be the last” She smiled at me, not seeming to care that I had pretty much insulted her right in front of her face. “I’ve had to deal with it my entire life and even Cassidy thought I had gone crazy the first time I told him you were coming for him”

“Coming for him?” I cried out. “The only reason I came here was because my record label didn’t know what to do with me and shipped me off here after some bad press”

“It may have played out that way, but you were meant to come here Kris and that’s all that matters” She said with another smile and she took my hand once again. “You’re Cassidy’s soul mate so of course you were going to find him again” My breath caught in my throat because even though I kept telling myself that I didn’t believe in soul mates, I knew Adam was mine. “Cassidy is not your soul mate, that belongs to another, but it is not your time yet to be with him” She went on as if reading my mind. “But you are Cassidy’s and he needs you to be there for him until you cross paths with your true soul mate once again” My head was hurting as my mind tried to make sense and keep up with everything she was saying, but it still seemed such a lost cause because I still had no idea what she was talking about. “I’ve confused you even more” She said, lying her free hand over the one still holding mine.

“A little…” I lied because I felt so far over my head I just wanted to run away once again and hide from the madness. “A lot…” I fessed up at the look on skepticism she shot my way.

“Let me explain” She said, squeezing my hand before she began. “Before we are born our lives are predestined. There is a greater power that decides what we are going to do with that life and it’s the people that we meet along that way that help us achieve it” She waited a moment as I digested what she said before starting again. “We are all born with powers as well. Some like me are destined to foresee the future and guide those who have strayed from their path, others like you are meant to fill the world with joy and happiness with your music and songs. I’m sort of like a guide if you will” She giggled. “You really are Cassidy’s soul mate and you were meant to meet all those years ago, but you were never meant to fall in love, at least not then. Somehow you each stepped off of your path and well you know what happened next” I knew she knew about all the pain and drama that had happened between he, myself and Adam and so I stayed quiet and waited for her to continue. “Cassidy and I were meant to come together as well and because of that union we created such a beautiful little person” Her eyes got misty, but the smile never left her face as she looked over at me. “Like everyone else she is part of this equation as well”

“She really is beautiful” I agreed, looking towards the house where Cassidy and Clara where still inside.

“Thank you” She kissed the top of my hand before placing it back in my lap. “I can’t explain my gift to you other then I see what can only be described as visions. I can’t make them happen and I can never predict when they are going to come. All I can say is that I saw you and I knew you were coming for Cassidy. The two of you are meant to be together until…you are meant to be together” She corrected herself quickly, avoiding my eyes as she looked down at the grass. I wanted to say something to her, but Cassidy took that exact moment to exit the house with Clara. “Trust in this Kris” She said quickly as we both watched Clara run towards us. “You’re going to see that together you will both find happiness” Clara was in my lap before I could respond and I found myself so enraptured by everything about her that I kind of forgot what I wanted to say to her mother.

Cassidy and I spent every moment of the rest of that week together, sometimes with Jenna and Clara at the artist’s colony and sometimes alone in my hotel room. I still wasn’t sure if I believed Jenna’s words or not, but I found that it really didn’t matter because I was happy with Cassidy back in my life and I just wanted to hold on to that happiness for as long as I could. I didn’t want to focus on the old pains from my past anymore, feeling lighter and freer in a way that I never thought I would feel. I wasn’t sure how Cassidy and I were going to continue with that happiness as he drove me to the airport at the end of that week, but I really wasn’t worried about it either because in a strange sense I had faith that it was going to work out in the end and we really were going to be together.

I had been back in L.A. For nearly a month and I still hadn't told Adam about Cassidy and I. I spoke to Cass on the phone every night as we continued to get to know each other again and strangely enough without my really noticing it I totally fell head over heels in love with him once again. It was an amazing feeling, but along with that feeling there was a bone crushing feeling of loneliness because the man that I loved was in another country. I had however confided in Drake one day as we had lunch because I just needed to talk to someone about it. He said he was happy for me and I could tell that he was, but he was confused about my fear of telling Adam. "We've all have such a history together and I'm not sure how he will react" I tried to explain without really explaining anything at all.

"Do you still love him?" Drake asked and I didn't have to ask who he was speaking about by the look on his face. Adam had told Drake everything about our relationship before I had come into the picture, being up front myself when we had become friends.

"I'm always going to love him, but I'm not in love with him" I replied truthfully, giving his hand a squeeze. "As crazy as it sounds I'm crazy in love with Cassidy and I miss him so much" My eyes got misty as I thought back to the last night we had spent together.

"Why isn't he here then?" He asked, taking my hand.

"He has his daughter there and truth be told he just doesn't have the money. I've tried to talk to him about letting me help him out financially, but he won't let me" I locked my eyes on the ground and pulled in several breathes before I looked across the table at Drake. "I just want him here" I shrugged with a sad smile upon my face because I knew he would understand.

"He will be. You just have to believe" He smiled back, shooting me a wink before he pushed his chair back and got up from the table. I did believe, the only problem was that I didn’t know how long it was going to take before we were together again and that was the part that was slowly killing me.

We walked in silence to my car, which was quite off because usually Drake was chatting my ear off about Adam or something pertaining to his love of art. “Is everything ok?” I asked once we were settled in our seats and I had merged into traffic. “You seem awfully quiet today” I nudged his shoulder when he didn’t say anything. “Hey…you know you can tell me anything right?” I asked as I looked over at him quickly before bringing my eyes back towards the road. “Is there something going on between you and Adam?” Adam had been on tour again at that time and I knew despite the fact that they had been together for a while and Drake supported his music career, he just never quite got used to the being apart aspect of it.

“I don’t know” He replied, a frown on his face as he glazed out the window in front of him. “We’re fine I guess. It’s just that this is the longest he’s been gone and the boys just keep getting prettier and younger and they all want him and he says he’s not sleeping with any of them, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes”

“You don’t really think that Adam is cheating on you…do you?” I rushed out, pulling the car over because I wasn’t expecting something so heavy to come out of his mouth. “What makes you think that he would ever consider it?”

“I don’t really think that he’s cheating on me” He amended, still staring out the window. “It’s just that each show that I go to there are just so many pretty boys out there vying for his attention. I mean look at me, I’m not really his type and yet he chose me and I guess that I’m just starting to feel as if it’s just a matter of time before he realizes what a mistake he’s made and decides to leave me”

I didn’t know why but I felt there was more to the story then he was telling me and I was determined that I wasn’t going to drive until I heard what it was. “You’re not telling me something” I started plainly. “Did something happen before Adam went on tour?”

I watched his face as he debated telling me, tears trickling down his face when he finally turned and looked at me. “I asked him to marry me and he turned me down” The tears fell faster as he sat before me looking so broken that he brought tears to my own eyes. “He said that he loved me, but that he wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment to me”

“Well maybe he just needs more time” I said, Drake’s earlier question about my loving Adam starting to make sense.

“I asked him when he thought he would be ready, that I would be willing to give him more time as long as he agreed to marry me one day and he told me that I didn’t think that he would ever be ready to commit fully to a marriage between us” My heart broke as I watched him curl into himself, sobbing his heart out and yet I could only sit there speechless because as much as I didn’t want to believe it, something told me that I was a huge part of the reason that Adam wouldn’t marry Drake. “I don’t know what to do Kris” He cried out, jerking me from my thoughts as I unbuckled my seatbelt and pulled him into my arms. “I love him so much but I want more from him…I need more from him. I don’t want to give him a few more years of my life without a guarantee that there will be a total commitment between the two of us in the end”

“You’ve been committed to each other for that last several years Drake. You don’t need a piece of paper and a ceremony to prove that” I tried to reason with him, but I knew it was a reach at the way his body went stiff and he pulled away from me.

“I need that piece of paper and that ceremony” He spoke around a heavy swallow, a determination in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. I didn’t have to hear the words to know that the relationship between Adam and Drake was about to come to an end and as much as I wanted to choose a side, I couldn’t. They both had valid reasons for why they should or shouldn’t get married and yet I also knew that as much as I didn’t want to be part of the messy process of their breakup, that I was going to be just the same.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Another couple of months passed as I still missed Cassidy and Drake and Adam continued to struggle with their relationship. I tried to be the good friend and be there for both of them as much as I could, but most times I just found myself frustrated because they wanted me to pick a side and yet I just couldn’t. I loved them both and they were each such a huge part of my life and I didn’t think that it was fair that they wanted me to choose between the two of them. Finally my patience wore thin after bickering and arguments between the two of them, and then with me as well. I lost it, told them they were both crazy at separate times and threatened to never speak to either of them again. I planned to keep that threat, but there seemed to be a reprieve between the two of them as Drake flew off to spend the final week with Adam during his tour and I was left alone to wonder if they would actually survive their battle while continuing to miss Cassidy. I really didn’t have much going on in terms of my music and I debated flying to Australia if only for a short time to spend with my boyfriend, but each time that I called to set something up he always had an excuse as to why I shouldn’t. With everything that was going on between Adam and Drake I found myself wondering if maybe Cassidy had found someone else and didn’t want to be with me anymore, but then I remembered what Jenna said to be and I tried really hard to focus on the positive and the day that we would actually be in each others presence once again.

I decided to throw a small party for Adam once his tour was over. It wasn’t anything extravagant, just a few of his close friends to help celebrate the huge success of his recent tour. As expected it had been a sell out success because lets face it Adam Lambert was a mega rock god and nobody expected anything else from him. It also gave me something to do because I missed them like crazy and it took my mind off of my own problems. The party itself was a rousing success as Adam regaled us with story after story of the tour and the antics that he and his band had been part of during it. Drake and Adam seemed to have worked out whatever problems they had and it made me happy to see them acting so kind and loving towards each other. It however made me miss Cassidy even more as I slipped out into the pool area of my apartment complex and tried to call the man that I loved. I was almost near tears as I reached his voicemail, because I hadn’t spoken much to him in the previous few days and when I had reached him he seemed preoccupied and rushed me off of the phone before I could find out why. “Cassidy…it’s Kris” I spoke into the phone, fed up and determined to put an end to our long distance romance. “I can’t do this anymore. I love you and I need to be with you. Jesus fuck…” I sighed, feeling so frustrated and so damn emotional. “This long distance thing is killing me” I spoke softer, sitting down on a lounge chair near the pool as I fought back the tears. “I don’t know what’s going on with you but I need to know that we are still real…that this is actually going to happen between us. I love you. Please call me” I wanted to curl into a ball and cry my heart out at just how sad I felt, but Adam’s drunk bellowing didn’t allow that as I put a smile on my face and tried to pretend that my world wasn’t falling apart around me.

“What the fuck are you doing out here all alone?” He grinned at me, throwing his arm around my shoulder as we stumbled back towards my apartment. “I have something for you”

“What?” I asked, rolling my eyes when he just gave me another playful grin.

“Be happy baby” He whispered in my ear, hugging me close before we reached the area where the party was still in full swing.

“CASSIDY” I cried out at the top of my lungs as I looked across the room and found the man I had been pining over standing there. “Oh my god Cassidy” I couldn’t get to him fast enough out of fear that he was just an apparition and I was losing my mind.

“Hey Precious” I heard him speak; proving to me that he was real because no one else had ever called me that nickname before.

“I can’t believe you’re here” I literally jumped into his open arms, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist, my arms around his neck as I kissed lips that I didn’t ever think I was going to feel against my own again. I was crying like a baby, tears rolling down my face and splashing on my neck, but I didn’t care as I continued to kiss Cassidy with every ounce of love I felt for him. “I’ve missed you so much” I continued to speak between kisses, not even caring that we had an audience because all that mattered was the I had Cassidy’s arms wrapped just as tightly around my body as I had his. Eventually my weight got to be to much as Cass placed me gently on the floor, but neither one of us relinquished body contact as we looked around the room and found it empty except for two grinning fools standing across the room from us. “How did you know?” I asked Adam, but I didn’t wait for an answer as I rushed over towards Drake and pulled him into my arms. “Thank you” I hiccupped against his ear because I knew he had been the one to tell Adam about my relationship with Cassidy when I still hadn’t been able too.

“I was hoping you weren’t going to be mad” He replied with a smile, looking over at Adam before looking back at me. “You just seemed too sad and lonely and it hurt me to know that you were hurting so much” I couldn’t have loved Drake any more at that moment as I hugged him once again.

“What about me, don’t I get any appreciation here?” Adam pouted, but it was a huge failure at the smile peeking out under that pout. “I mean I am the one that made all the arrangements and…”

“Thank you” I cut him off with a smile, rushing into his arms and hugging him with all my might. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you but thank you so much for understanding and bringing Cassidy here”

“I don’t know why you felt you couldn’t tell me, but we’ll leave that discussion for now so you can spend time with your boy” He nudged me towards Cassidy, his arm going around Drake’s waist as they both watched me happily trot over towards him and back into his arms. “I’m pretty sure you both will be busy for the next day or so, but lets get together once you’ve had your fill of each other” Adam laughed as he took Drakes hand and led him towards the door. I was at their sides before they left, hugging them both and thanking them once again for making me that happiest man on the planet.

“I can’t believe you’re really here” I said to Cassidy once they had left my apartment, wrapping my arms around his neck again because I just wanted him to hold me for a few moments more as the reality of the situation finally started to set in. “How are you here?” I asked, stepping back and looking up at him. “Why is it that you let Adam fly you here but you wouldn’t let me? How long are you staying for because…” His lips were on mine before I could ask anymore questions, but I didn’t care because there was time for those answers later as I took his hand, stumbling and kissing on the way to my bedroom where I planned to make love to Cassidy as we had that first night together in Australia.

The room was dark and my bed empty, but I knew I wasn’t alone at the soft murmur of a voice I heard coming from the lighted bathroom much later that night. My entire body ached as I slid out of the bed, a smile on my face because it was a just been fucked within an inch of your life kind of ache and I was ecstatic to feel it. He shot a playful wink my way as I leaned in against the wall as he sat on the toilet seat and continued his conversation. “Daddy loves you too baby” I heard him say as I rushed to his side, kneeling on the floor hoping that he would let me speak to Clara too. “Kris is here too, do you…” He didn’t get to finish his sentence before the phone was handed over to me. “She didn’t even let me finish my sentence” He chuckled as I took the phone, goofy grin on my face as I heard her childlike voice speaking to me. I talked to her for a few minutes before Cass decided to put the phone on speaker and we were both able to listen to her babble on about her day and the new dolly Cassidy had bought for her before he left. I could feel my heart swell when her mother told her it was time to go, and she told us both how much she missed us and loved us.

“Thank you for letting me talk to her” I said as we continued to sit in the bathroom, staring at his phone despite the fact that the call had been ended.

“She really loves you” He replied, running his fingers across the back of my head.

“I really love her” I moaned, closing my eyes as it turned into a gentle massage. “Cass?” I opened them a moment later at the deep sigh I heard coming from him.

“Do you love her enough to help me raise her?” He sounded so uncertain, pulling his hand out of my hair and lying it in his lap as he stared at himself in the mirror.

“I would love to help you raise her, but how would we do that?” I asked, looking at him through the mirror as well. “We haven’t even figured out how we’re going to be together” My heart suddenly felt heavy as I pulled my eyes away from the mirror and looked into the real ones. “You know I love you, but I can’t keep doing this long distance thing” My throat ached as I swallowed heavily, shifting over onto my backside, pulling my knees into my chest.

“I know I heard your phone message before I called Clara” He sounded so sad that it brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t say anything as he stood up, taking my hand and helping me off of the floor before leading me into the bedroom. The silence was heavy as I crawled across the bed, sitting on one side, while he sat on their other. “Adam called me several days ago and told me that you had confided to Drake that you were lonely and missing me” He began to explain because even though he had been back for several hours, I still had no idea why he was there in the first place. “He cursed me out and told me I was being a selfish bastard for not allowing you to take care of me financially. He went on for a good thirty minutes before he finally let me speak” We both laughed softly because we each knew how Adam could be when he went on a tirade. “The thing is Kris that the financial aspect is only a small part of my concern” He wouldn’t even look at me, the room falling into silence again as I waited for him to continue.

“What is it then?” I asked when he didn’t speak.

“I would have been here sooner, but I was waiting for Clara’s paperwork to clear” He said, still not making any sense to me.

“Paperwork for what?”

“Jenna has surrendered her parental rights to Clara and since she is technically an American citizen I had to go through lots of fucking red tape to be able to get her here”

“Wait…what?” I cried out, even more confused then I had been before. “Signed over her parental rights…but why?”

“I don’t really know. She told me one night after we had put Clara to bed. She said that it was all part of our destinies and that it was what she was supposed to do” Cassidy looked pained and even more confused then I did. “She’s cutting all ties to her once I bring her over here and it kills me to know that she won’t ever see her little girl again”

“Wait…what?” I yelled again, my voice even louder, my mind conflicted and confused as I tried to make sense of everything Cassidy had said. “Wait….wait…” I got a bit excited when it all started to process. “You started the paperwork to make her an American citizen…so you’re moving back to California” I was shaking in anticipation as I waited for Cassidy to say something. “Jesus fuck…Cass is it true. Is that what you’re afraid of…that I won’t want to help you raise your daughter?”

“I don’t have any money and there would be two of us and…”

“You stupid fucking fool” I laughed out loud, knocking him onto his back as I kissed him hard and heavy. “Do you really think that I give two shits that you don’t have any money? I’ve been trying for months to get you to come over here because I love you and I love your daughter Cassidy, you have to know that” I was laughing and crying all rolled into one as I continued to kiss him between words. “I have tons of money and none of it means anything without you in my life and that includes Clara, because I love you both so much” I was a blubbering mess as Cassidy pulled me into his arms and made love to me once again.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Adam sold his home and moved into the pool house and somehow word spread about it in the tabloids, but it was only big news for a couple of weeks before they moved onto something else. He began to date a few guys here and there, nothing serious at first but then he met an actor through one of his friends and they began to date. He constantly told us that it was just casual, but none of us were buying it because anyone could see by looking at them that they were more then casual when it came to each other. I liked the man, he was kind and funny and there was so doubt that he was totally smitten with Adam, but I couldn’t help but be a little bit jealous, a fact that I kept a closely guarded secret to myself. It seemed that our lives were shifting once again and as hard as it was for me to distance myself from Adam and his love life, it’s what I did because I had to focus on my own family. Cassidy loved me with such undying love and trust and he didn’t deserve a part time lover and Clara was growing up so fast and I knew that if I wasted any more time worrying about Adam that her childhood would be over and I’d regret missing out of even one single second of it.

Clara took to high school like a fish to water. She was popular and went out of her way to never exclude anyone from being her circle of friend. She was constantly busy being part of numerous clubs her freshman year, running most of them by her sophomore. I constantly worried that she was going to wear herself out by spreading herself too thin, but Cassidy assured me that she wouldn't take on more then she could handle. I still worried though because she was my daughter and it was my job as her father to worry. Her passion seemed to be politics as she captioned her debate club and started a gay, straight alliance that after protests and petitions got her high school to initiate a no bullying policy after a brave few gay kids started being bullied when they joined the club. When bullying seemed to intensify in other schools in our area she went public, determined to bring the terror for those being bullied gay or straight to the masses. She was ridiculed by the right winged media because of what she was doing, but also by the fact that she was the daughter of two pretty well known gay celebrities as well. She was also threatened by those who didn't care or understand and yet she never once took any of it to heart or let it detour her from what he felt was an important issue. Cassidy and I were so proud of her, but once again fearful that she might be taking on too much as well as putting herself at risk. She constantly assured us that she was doing what she was meant to do and that that no matter what she had to fight for this cause. I hadn't thought of Jenna in years but her statement made me start to wonder if Clara didn't have powers to see the future as well. It made me even more frightened for her as I tried rather unsuccessfully to find out without actually asking her directly. I had myself convinced that she did because she seemed to be keeping a secret from us, but never in a million years could I foresee what it actually was.

“I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill” Cassidy said to me one night after Clara had come home from another protest march one Saturday, already preparing for the next one she had planned. I had tried once again to ask her to slack off just a little bit, but she only snapped at me about the fact that if anyone should be supporting her and her cause it should be her gay father. I told her that I did support her cause but that I was worried as usual that she was taking too much on and that as proud of her as I was her welfare was more important to me then protesting for something that would probably never change regardless of how much people fought for gay rights.

“She kicked me out of her room and slammed the door in my face” I was almost in a daze as I walked back into the living room, ready to cry because she had never treated me like that before.

“I told you that you were making too much of this. She has strong beliefs baby and she feels this is something that she has to do” Cassidy tried to explain, but I pushed him away when he tried to comfort me.

“I think you’re being a little bitch and should just leave her alone” I heard Adam’s voice from the kitchen, looking at Cassidy because he hadn’t been there when I had gone to speak to Clara. It was the one downfalls of having Adam living so close to us and having given him a key to our home, plus the fact that he had broken up with his current boyfriend and had way to much time on his hands. He had everything he could ever need in his own home in the pool house, two bedrooms, a kitchen, two bathrooms, a gym and even a laundry room and yet he could always be found lurking in our kitchen anytime of the night and day. It honestly didn’t bother me to have him there most times, but there were some times that I totally regretted ever giving him complete access to our home and our lives.

“What the fuck do you know” I snapped when Cassidy just shrugged at me.

“I know more then you do and trust me when I say that this is something that means a lot to her and it’s not because she has two queens and a diva in her life” Adam replied sarcastically as he fell into a chair, giving me a dirty look.

“What do you know?” I asked again, crossing my arms over my chest in irritation because I knew he knew something that Cassidy and I didn’t.

“Can’t say and I won’t say” He replied casually as I fought the urge to rip him from the chair and beat the shit out of him.

“If you know something Adam then you should tell us” I heard Cassidy finally speak up because up until that point I was beginning to think that he was being a bit too casual about the whole situation.

“It’s not bad…well for her it wasn’t bad” He mumbled under his breath. My head was about to explode that one, our daughter was keeping secrets from us and two, Adam knew before we did.

“Spill it” I demanded, stepping forward in a threatening manner, but not getting very far as Cassidy grabbed onto my arm and stopped me.

“No…I promised her that I wouldn’t say anything and I refuse to break that promise even for you Krissy” I wanted to pound him within an inch of his life as I once again tried to make my way over towards him, still unable to move as Cassidy wrapped his arms around my chest and pulled me flush against his body.

“You have no rights to keep secrets about our daughter from us” I cried out loudly. “And why the hell is she confiding in you when she knows that Cass and I are here for her?” I wanted to cry at the idea that she didn’t trust us enough to tell us what was going on in her life when she had been so open to us about everything before.

“I didn’t tell him…not at first” Clara spoke up from the hallway. "But I panicked when it happened and he was the first person I thought to call" She had tears in her eyes as her father and I rushed towards her side and pulled her into our arms.

"We don't care that you called your uncle Adam first. We're actually happy that you did, but baby you scaring your daddy and I here" Cassidy sounded almost frantic as he held her tighter in his arms. "What happened to you?"

Chapter Forty

"Nothing happened to me, but it happened to Watts" She buried her face in Cassidy's shirt, crying even harder.

"What's a Watt's?" I looked over at Adam as he sat on the couch behind us with a look of misery on his face.

"It’s not a what...it's a who" He supplied for us, wringing his hands together as he locked his eyes on Clara's back.

"Jessica Watson...but everyone calls her Watts" Clara hiccupped. "She's my girlfriend" I heard my daughter say, but I couldn't hear anymore as the space around me began to spin.

"Kris..." I heard someone scream my name as my legs gave way and I headed for the floor. "What the fuck Kris?" The voice turned out to be Adam's as he caught me in his arms before I could hit the floor. "Get up and support your daughter" He growled under his breath as he jerked me to my feet, shoving me towards Cassidy who was still holding onto Clara.

"Clara" My voiced sounded weak as I cleared my throat and called her again, holding out my arms to her when she turned to look at me. I felt complete shame at the look of unease I saw staring back at me.

"It's ok...go see your daddy" Cassidy urged her forward.

"I'm sorry baby" I cried out when she flew into my arms, hiding her face in my neck. "I'm so sorry" I repeated over and over because I really didn't know why I reacted the way that I had.

"Let's sit at the table and talk" I heard Adam say as he and Cassidy headed towards the dining room.

"Are you upset that I'm gay daddy?" Clara asked, fear floating in her dark brown eyes as tears splashed down her face.

"No...not at all. I promise" I smiled at her, hugging her tightly before I kissed her forehead and led her to the table where Cassidy and Adam sat waiting. "Maybe you should just start from the beginning" I urged her, sitting beside her and holding one hand, while Cassidy sat on the other side holding her other hand.

"I've been questioning my sexuality for the last couple of years" She began, taking a deep breath, looking at Adam sitting across from the table from her and continuing when he smiled and nodded at her. “I guess I always knew, but I really wasn’t ready to even consider finding out and then I met Watt’s” My heart skipped a beat at the brilliant smile that crossed her beautiful face as she let go of both of our hands and wiped at her face. “We met at a PFLAG meeting and I think for me it was love at first sight, but for her she was only looking for a friend” My mind was still racing as I tried to come to terms with the fact that my daughter had just come out to us and that fact that she already had a girlfriend and she was only sixteen. “I tried being her friend, but it was so frustrating” She giggled, a deep shaded blush racing across her face as she looked between her two fathers. “Every time I even broached the subject of maybe being more then friends she would change the subject and a few times she even ran away” She giggled again and I couldn’t help but smile that time because I may not have ever experienced young love when I was her age, but I could remember how it felt to be in love for the first time with Cassidy.

“I like her already” I teased, starting to feel at ease as I started to come to terms with Clara’s announcement.

“Daddy…” She blushed some more, playfully swatting at me arm before going on with her story. “One night after a meeting it was just her and I left cleaning up and I just kissed her. I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head and then she ran away again. I thought I had messed everything up, but I found her waiting for me outside and for the first time she actually talked to me about her feelings. She was struggling with her sexuality too, but she knew she couldn’t tell her parents because they refused to understand. They didn’t even know she was going to PFLAG meetings, but she went because she said she needed to talk to others who were feeling like she was. I felt bad for her because I knew that I could talk to you about what I was feeling and she didn’t have that with her family”

“Then why didn’t you?” Cassidy asked what I was dying to know as well.

“I just needed to come to terms with it first. I wanted to deal with this on my own and then when I was ready I was going to come to you. But then Watt’s got attacked and I was determined to get the word out there about teen bullying and the affects it has on queer kids and telling you, although important, wasn’t as important as doing what I was destined to do” She had tears in her eyes once again, Cassidy and I both seeming to be too numb to comfort our daughter for a moment. I was torn between wanting to question her about having powers like her mother or finding out what the hell had happened to Watt’s.

“Tell them what happened” Adam urged her forward with a small smile and I felt an overwhelming thankfulness that Clara had him in her life and that she felt comfortable enough to talk to him when things became to much and she couldn’t talk to us.

“We were at another meeting and it ran long. She had to leave so she wouldn’t get in trouble for being late with her parents. They were probably waiting for anyone to exit the building to harass, but it was her and they took her down and alley and beat her. I walked right past that alley when I was done and I had no idea she was there” Huge tears were racing down her face as I reached out and wrapped my arm around her, clutching her to my side as Adam and Cassidy exchanged tearful looks before turning back towards Clara. “I was halfway home when she called my cell phone. She could hardly talk, but I found her just the same. There was blood everywhere and I…” She stopped for a moment as a sob of remembered pain erupted from her. “I thought she was dead when I found her because she wasn’t moving and I couldn’t find a pulse. They spray painted the word fag all over her, even across her face. I called 911 and waited with her until the paramedics came, but they wouldn’t let me go with her. I thought that she was dead and they wouldn’t let me go with her” I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from my eyes as she turned into my chest and held on as if for dear life. I was shocked beyond belief at her story, but even more shocked that she had kept something as traumatic and personal like this from us.

“She called me after that and asked me to come and pick her up” Adam explained how he had become involved. “I just happened to be down the street having lunch with one of my friends. They wouldn’t tell us anything for the longest time when we got to the hospital as we waited for some kind of word. Clara didn’t want me to do it, but I called her parents and told them what happened and they didn’t even fucking care. They told me that if there daughter chose to be a fucking faggot then she deserved what she got” I could see the disgust and anger flashing through Adam’s eyes as he drew in a deep breath and continued. “Thank god Clara knew she had an Aunt that lived nearby and that Watt’s had confided in. The old lady’s a lesbo too I found out later” He laughed sadly. “She came to the hospital and thankfully they were willing to give her some information. They did a number on her that’s for sure. She had a broken nose, broken ribs, two broken arms and a broken leg, not to mention the mental scars she will have to live with for the rest of her life” I couldn’t hear anymore as I clung to Clara and openly cried over what I had heard, but mostly at the fact that if Clara had left with this girl like she usually did then she would have been attacked as well.

“Where…where is she?” I asked, feeling so rung out and worn as I continued to hold onto my only child tightly.

“She’s living with her Aunt still trying to recover from her attack” Adam replied, looking just as worn as I knew we all felt.

“Uncle Adam been taking care of all of their bills and hired a lawyer so she could live with her Aunt instead of her fucking parents. She didn’t need it though because her parents told her Aunt that they didn’t have a daughter anymore and as far as they were concerned she should have died during that attack” I didn’t even think to correct her for her language because after what I had heard I wanted to use that word about a hundred times or more myself at the cruelty of her attack and the fact that she had a family that just didn’t seem to give a fuck if their daughter lived or died.

"Oh baby, I wish you could have told us. Maybe we could have helped as well" Cassidy sniffled, lying his head atop mine when he wrapped his arms around her.

"I wanted to tell you right after it happened but..." She hesitated for a moment, once again looking at Adam across the table before taking a deep breath. "I guess I was just a little nervous that the same thing could happen to me"

"You were worried that your father and I wouldn't want you anymore?" I was shocked at her words, but even more shocked at what she said next.

"No, I knew daddy would accept me for being a lesbian, I was more afraid of what you were going to think". I felt as if I had been stabbed directly in the heart, all the breath in my body expelling in a rush as I moved away from her and fell back against the back of the chair. "I'm sorry daddy" She was near hysterical as Cassidy stroked her back and tried to calm her.

"You can't blame the girl for thinking it" I heard Adam say, another stab to the heart because he actually looked angry at me. "You're constantly bitching about the fact that she's involved in gay activities" I couldn't talk, much less think as I got up from the chair and stumbled towards the front door. I needed to get out in the worst way as I ignored the voices calling me back and left.

I felt numb as stood dumbly in front of my car, realizing that I didn't have my keys and that in itself was probably a good thing since my mind was completely blank and I was crying so hard that I couldn't even see if I wanted to. "Kris...what the fuck are you doing?" I heard Adam's aggravated voice behind me. "Kris..." He grabbed my shoulder and forced me to turn around.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I reversed the question, my mind suddenly clear and full of anger. "Who the fuck do you think you are turning my child against me?"

"I didn't turn your child against you" He screamed at me, poking me in the chest. "It’s your fault that she was worried because of your reluctance to let her be herself and do what she needed to do"

I was seeing red as I curled my hand into a fist and prepared to knock his lights out. Instead I stepped back when Cassidy came outside and stood behind Adam with such a look of sadness on his face. "I want you out of my house" I spoke through gritted teeth. "I want you gone and don't fucking come back"

"Kris...don't do this" Cassidy said, looking exhausted. "Don't say things you are going to regret"

"Oh trust me I don't regret this. I want you the fuck out of my house" I barked at Adam poking him in the chest before pointing my finger at Cassidy. "And if you don't like it you can get the fuck out too. You know what forget it...I'll fucking leave" I turned to walk away, punching Adam in the face when he grabbed onto my shoulder and spun me around again.

Chapter Forty-One

"DADDY" I heard Clara cry out in horror, hands to her face, her eyes tearful and huge. "What are you doing?" I watched as she ran towards Adam, her and Cassidy helping him off of the ground, all of them glaring at me. I was at a lose for words, guilt, shame and pain weighing down so heavily on me as they continued to stare at me as if I had lost my mind, and I supposed I had. I couldn't stand the looks anymore as I turned and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran until the muscles in my stomach started to cramp and I couldn't run anymore. I didn’t know where to go or what to do as I fell down on a nearby curb and cried as I curled into myself. Everything just hit me at once as I played the prior events over and over in my head, wondering how everything had gone so crazily out of control in such a short amount of time. I was floored with such an array of emotions that I didn’t know which one I should try and deal with first, the fact that my daughter didn’t trust in my love for her enough to know I would never hurt her or the fact that once again Adam had been on the receiving end of my anger. I thought about Cassidy and how disappointed and hurt he must have been at my actions as well and it just made me cry even harder. I wondered when it was that I had become such a monster that I didn’t even like myself anymore. I questioned as to if any of them could ever forgive me for the way I had acted, not even sure I deserved forgiveness, at least in what I had done to Adam. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there but eventually it began to grow dark and as much as I wanted to just keep running away, I knew I would have to go home and face the music eventually.

The house was empty when I finally reached home. I figured everyone was probably out looking for me, or maybe they’d decided to leave my stupid ass as I made my way into Clara’s room and sat in the corner where her favorite childhood stuffed unicorn sat. I wrapped my arms around its head, tears pouring down my face as I recalled the day Adam had given it to her and then I was bombarded with a barrage of memories from her childhood. It seemed like it had only been days since she had come into my life and changed it in such an amazing way and not the eleven years it had actually been. I wondered how I had lost her trust along the way because as afraid as I had been at the beginning, I actually thought I had been a pretty decent father to her. I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard her come into the room until I felt her arms go around my neck and her tears wet the collar of my shirt.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you daddy" She wailed against my neck, crying even harder when I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into my lap. My own tears were abundant as we cried together. "Please don't hate me daddy" She sounded so broken and sad as I kissed her on her forehead and crushed her to my chest.

"I could never hate you Clara" I croaked, finding it almost impossible to speak, although I knew that I had to express to her just how much she meant to me. "I love you so much baby and you have to know that you mean everything to me. I'm sorry that I let you down"

"You didn't let me down daddy...you've never let me down" She replied, but I knew that I had had to have let her down somewhere since we were where we were. "I've always known you loved me, but I was just afraid of what you would think of me once you found out I was a lesbian"

"Why would you think that Clara?" I questioned looking down at her. "I'm gay. What made you think that I would think of you differently?"

"You're constantly getting on me for all my gay related activities. It seems to upset you, so it made me wonder" She explained and despite all the pain and upset I felt a sense of relief at how much of a huge misunderstanding everything had been.

“I know it may have seen like I was upset about your gay related activities, but it really had nothing to do with that. I get upset because I worry that you’re taking too much on with all your activities. I can see why you would think that since most of your projects are gay related and I know my reaction when I found out might have seemed like I was upset that you had come out to us, but that wasn’t why I acted like that”

“Why did you then because you looked like you were about to pass out” It was a fair question and I hoped that my answer was one that made sense and she was going to accept.

“I’m not upset that you’re a lesbian” I began, holding onto her hand when she shifted out of my lap and onto the floor beside me. “I was upset about that fact that you’re life is going to be that much harder once you decide to completely come out. I’m sorry about what happened to your friend…your girlfriend” I amended at the raised eye brow she gave me. “You’re girlfriend was bullied and beaten because of the fact she’s gay and that could have been you and…fuck I don’t even want to think about what could have happened to you if you had been with her” I pulled her into my arms once again, a fresh bout of tears sliding down my face as I continued to hold her. “I just love you so much” I murmured against her hair. “I fell in love with you the moment I held you in my arms when I was in Australia. You were just so cute and charming I couldn’t help myself. You’ve been my daughter from the moment I got on that plane and went back to get you and that won’t ever change. I’m sorry about so many things that happened tonight but I’m sorrier about the fact that I somehow failed at proving to you that you are my world and you always will be. I’m going to change that though, I promise you that”

“You don’t have to change anything daddy. I know you love me…I felt it when you held me that first time as well. I already knew you were going to be my daddy and help guide me on my life path. I think that I just got side tracked somewhere along the way with everything that happened to Watt’s, but I’ve never doubted for a second that you wouldn’t do anything for me and that you love me with your whole heart”

“Are we able to move past this?” I sniffled; my nose nestled in her sweet smelling hair.

“Of course we are” She smiled up at me, a smile so similar to Cassidy’s that it made my heart ache. We sat in silence for a few moments, each of us seemingly lost in our thoughts before she spoke up and broke it. “Daddy…”

“Hmmm…” I mumbled, wondering where Cassidy was and how much groveling I was going to have to do to get him to forgive me for being such an ass.

“Why were you so angry at Uncle Adam? I’ve never seen you so angry before that you would hit another person, especially Uncle Adam”

“You’re Uncle Adam and I have a very complicated history” I sighed, wondering how much I should actually tell her about my past with Adam. Cassidy and I hadn’t talked very much about out interwoven past, hoping and praying that it would never come up.

“I know” She said, looking up at me again. “You guys were pretty serious for a long time”

“Did Uncle Adam tell you that?” I asked, figuring he had because they seemed to be closer then I even thought they were.

“No…he didn’t have too. I’ve been listening to his music since I was a kid and I’ve read the liner notes. He’s totally in love with you too. I can see it whenever he looks at you” I felt my stomach drop because I really had no idea what to say to that.

“You do know there isn’t anything between Adam and I, at least not anymore. We were together for a long time when we were younger and then when it was over it ended badly. I’ve forgiven him for what happened in our past, but I think that there is still some lingering anger there and a whole lot of jealously in that you seem to be so much closer to him then me. I want to be the one that you come to when you have problems and I hope that now that we have this misunderstanding cleared up that you will”

“He won’t talk about it. I’ve tried just about everything to get him too, but he just tells me that it’s something that needs to be left in the past” She completely ignored the last part of my statement, but I couldn’t help but chuckle because it was such an Adam thing to say. I knew in my heart that they would always be close and that it was something that I was going to have to deal with or I could fuck things up between the two of us again. “I’m not worried you know” She said after a few seconds of silence again. “You look at daddy like he looks at you. You get this look in your eyes every time he comes into the room and the fact that you can’t keep your hands off of each other…well that just speaks volumes too” I couldn’t help but laugh at the roll of the eyes, her tongue sticking out as if she were grossed out. “I know daddy is involved somewhere in that past as well, but I suppose he won’t talk about it either”

“We had some good times and some bad times, and there was a lot of hurt between the three of us for a long time, but its good now” I tried to explain as vaguely as possible. “I love them both, but I’m totally in love with our father and nothing will ever change that” I kind of felt as if I was trying to make myself believe it more then her as I looked up and found the man we had been talking about leaning against the doorframe.

“I’m totally in love with you too you fucking drama queen” I heard Cassidy say, all three of us falling into a fit of laughter. “Are we all good in here now?” He asked, his eyes telling me that everything was forgiven and that he still loved me despite my fall from grace.

“Everything’s good” Clara smiled at me, hugging me close before kissing me on the lips. “I love you daddy”

“I love you too baby” I replied quickly pulling her in one last time because I wasn’t ready to let go just yet.

“How mad is he?” I asked Cassidy much later after Clara had gone to bed and he and I had talked about what had happened.

“I think that he’s more hurt then mad right now. Although, he was pretty pissed that you punched him. He has a photo shoot in two days and you gave him quite the shiner” Cassidy laughed, but it was an uneasy laugh. “You attacking him tonight was more then just being angry over Clara though” I closed my eyes and snuggled deeper into his side as we sat together on the couch. “I’m not accusing you of anything, but I think your feelings for Adam are becoming confused” I wanted to disagree with him, but I couldn’t because as much as I really was totally in love with Cassidy, there was still something about Adam I could feel under my skin. “I’m sure he’s still up…go talk to him” I didn’t even put up a fight as he pushed me to my feet, nodding in the direction of the kitchen door that led towards our backyard. “I love you and I know you love me…go” He smiled and I could read the trust in his eyes even though I didn’t think that I deserved it.

The night air was cool on my face as I walked out onto the patio, trying to figure out what I was going to say once I spoke to Adam. I was terrified at the idea of what he might say or even do, already knowing that whatever it was I deserved it. Instead, I took the cowards way out and went and sat by the deep end of the pool, my legs dangling in the water after I had rolled my pant legs up. “If you’re thinking about drowning yourself don’t let me stop you” I heard the person I had been trying to avoid speak behind me.

Chapter Forty-Two

“If I let you hold me under water until I’m almost drowned will that make you feel any better?” I asked seriously because I needed to do something to ease the clearly felt tension between us.

"It might…can we try?” I heard him reply snidely, but I could already hear the smile in his voice.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at just how fucked up everything had become and at how easily Cassidy and Adam were willing to forgive me. “Well come on and lets get this over with” I called out over my shoulder, still not turning to look at him as I slipped into the water fully clothed. “Holy shit…” I cried out in horror, treading water as Adam came closer to the side of the pool, his eyes swollen and a beautiful shade of purple.

“Yes…thank you, you really did a number on me” He glared at me, but it didn’t pack much heat as he sat down where I had vacated. “What the fuck was that all about anyway?”

“Me losing my mind” I waded over by him, holding onto the side of the poor as I looked out into the darkness surrounding us.

“I’m getting a little tired of being on the receiving end of you losing your mind” He said and that time I could tell me meant it at the hurt and anger present in his voice.

“Maybe there’s something more there. I don’t know” I sighed, my back to Adam as I continued to hold onto the side over my shoulder.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that” I closed my eyes as I heard him slide into the water, finding him standing before me when I finally did open them. “What does that mean?” He was looking so intently at me that I felt as if I would drown in his eyes instead of the water surrounding me.

“I was so jealous that Clara confided in you and I guess it made me a little angry” I blurted out, not really knowing what the hell I was trying to say, confused over my lingering anger towards him and the guilt and shame that were almost choking me. .

“That much was apparent. Just so you know I’m turning my agent on you when she sees this eye tomorrow. I’ve got a photo shoot and…”

“Adam…this is not the time” We both heard Cassidy say, standing at the edge of the pool as he looked down on us. “There has been this underlying tension between the two of you for so many years and tonight it’s time that something be done about it” We continued to watch as he slid fully clothed into the water as well, gliding over towards me and kissing me softly. I felt Adam stiffen immediately, turning to walk away, but Cassidy stopping him. “No…tonight it’s all about clearing the air. It’s a one shot deal and then you both need to move on. I love you both so much but this tension isn’t healthy and its only going to get worse if we don’t deal with it now”

“I don’t understand” I whispered, although I totally understood where Cassidy was coming from and what he was hinting at. Neither one of them said anything as he leaned forward and kissed me once again; guiding me towards Adam once it was broken.

“No…we can’t do this” Adam whispered, but I could already see the lust in his eyes as I reached forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. Getting an approving nod from Cassidy as I glanced over at him quickly, I covered Adam’s quivering lips with my own before he could say another word. The kiss was needy and desperate as tongues and teeth slide and struck until we both had to pull back for air and from the pain. I felt out of sorts and confused as I tried to come to terms with what was about to happen between the three of us. I felt a bit more grounded as Cassidy came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist as I turned and kissed him hungrily. The difference between kisses was amazing, but the underlying current of love from both of them was the same.

“Let’s take this inside” Cassidy whispered against my ear, but loud enough for Adam to hear as he took both of our hands and walked us out of the pool. For a long moment we just stood there, my clothes dripping all over the concrete, feeling heavy and sticky against my skin. Adam and I watched as Cassidy ripped his shirt from his body, tossing it to the ground before doing the same to mine. Adam didn’t hesitate to remove his before he unbuttoned his jeans and let them slide down his legs. I almost choked on my tongue as I gaped at his penis, having forgotten how large and amazing it was. I guess I wasn’t quick enough because before I knew it I had two sets of hands removing mine as well. “So fucking sexy” Cassidy growled, his own pants gone as he leaned in and kissed me, the solid bulk of Adam’s body behind me. Soft whimpers rolled from my mouth as Cassidy continued to kiss me, Adam’s hardening erection warm and taunting against my back side, his mouth nibbling and teasing my neck while his hands mapped out my stomach and thighs. “Inside now” Cassidy demanded, literally plucking me off of the ground and carrying me into Adam’s home. “Go on…” He nudged me towards Adam as he entered his bedroom looking lost and brazen all rolled into one. I didn’t hesitate that time as I walked over to him, falling down to my knees because I wanted to familiarize myself with the manhood that used to make me scream and cry out wantonly so many years before that night.

"God Kris..." He cried out the moment I put my mouth upon him. I could hear Cassidy moving in the background, but I kept my focus on mouthing Adam's dick. "Fuck...that feels so good" He mumbled between hitching breaths as I drew in a deep breath and took him completely down my throat. I knew he was close by the breathy sounds coming from him and I was torn between making him come or pulling back and letting him fuck me. He however had other ideas as he grabbed the back of my neck and started fucking my mouth.

"Don't choke my baby with that monster" I heard Cassidy chuckle and then moan behind me. I didn't have to look to know he was touching himself because after many years of being together I knew him and I knew what he sounded like when he was aroused.

"He can handle it" Adam shot back through a shuddered moan as he increased the velocity of his hips until he came with a roar down my throat. He jerked me off the floor so fast, my legs going around his waist to keep from falling as he stumbled towards the bed, both of us landing beside Cassidy in a tangle of arms and legs. Adam was kissing me so deeply that I couldn’t keep my breath, my mind feeling fuzzy and air deprived as Cassidy began to nip and kiss his way from my neck to my backside. "I want to fuck him. Can I?" He finally released my lips as I coughed and sputtered to get air into my lungs. I felt Cassidy hesitate for just a second, but it was enough that I began to have second thoughts about how bad of an idea that was. I wanted to say something but I didn't have a chance as Adam flipped me onto my side, his re-hardened dick already poking at me.

"You hurt him and I will kill you" Cassidy threatened and there was no doubt to either Adam or myself that he meant those words. We shared a frenzied kiss as Adam prepared himself with a condom and lube before he prepped me as well.

"Cassidy" I ground out my lovers name as my hands scrambled to hold onto him as Adam's fingers began to open me up. I tried to keep my voice quiet but failed, my eyes rolling into the back of my head once he breached me.

"Don't be shy baby" Cassidy urged me with a smile, his hands twisting my nipples as the lower half of his body rolled against me.

"Fuck..." I cried out at the stimulation of his cock as it rolled against mine while Adam continued to fuck me. "Oh...oh...oh" I quickly felt over stimulated as the friction between my front and back continued until I was almost delirious with the need to come. "Please..." I begged against Cassidy's lips as the pleasurable torture continued, but I didn't know who I was begging more of because they were each doing a pretty good job to torturing the shit out of me.

"You ready to come baby?" I heard Cassidy ask me, crying out wantonly when he reached down between our bodies and grabbed both of our cocks. I could feel the heat of his cock along side mine, it only getting hotter when Adam added his hand as well and began to move our hands up and down. I couldn't speak anymore, couldn't do much of anything else but pant and grunt the closer I got to exploding. Harder and faster the rhythm went until I felt the low burning in my belly overtake everything as I lost my load all over our combined hands. I lost reality after that, my ears ringing loudly, my eyes rolling almost painfully into the back of my head. I could hear what sounded like talking in the background, but I was too out of it to comprehend any of it. When I finally found some sense of reality I found Cassidy’s face hovering before me. “Are you ok Precious?” He asked with such concern in his eyes that for some reason it brought tears to my eyes and the need to have him fuck me despite being pretty much fucked out already.

“I…I…” I tried to speak, but I couldn’t get the words out. I could tell that he knew what I needed as he slide his slender body over mine, kissing me softly before he entered me. The sensations were almost too much, but I held on tightly as he continued to make love to me. It was over rather quickly, Cassidy coming with a loud shout, while I moaned softly with each stroke. I didn’t even come that time, but it was more about being closer to Cassidy then it was about getting off. “I love you so much” I murmured against his ear as he lie on top of me, still holding on tightly to him, almost afraid to let him go.

“I love you too Kris…always” He replied quickly back to me before sharing a sweet and tender kiss as if to prove his point. “He decided to leave for the night” I heard him say when I turned my head and found the other half of the bed void of Adam. “He’s ok. We’re all going to be ok now” He said with a smile kissing me yet again before he rolled off of me and pulled me against his body. I hoped that his words were true and as I looked across the room and found Adam standing in the doorway with a sad but encouraging smile on his face, for some reason I finally did believe that everything was going to be ok. Adam didn’t come back home for nearly a week and I started to doubt that anything was going to be ok and that we had made s huge mistake. However, when he did come home he actually looked happy, more at peace and although he refused to talk about what had happened between the three of us that night, I could see that Cassidy had been right and it was what had been needed to be done to move past all the built up tension and move on.

Chapter Forty-Three

Life went back to normal after that. Cassidy started working on his new fashion line, one that wasn’t so high fashion, but more geared towards those in lower income brackets. He had been made an offer by a huge chain of retail stores to have this line in all of their stores. Adam thought that Cassidy was wasting his time and hounded him constantly about working on a line like all his previous lines, but he refused to bow down to Adam and accepted the deal with the retailer. I couldn’t have been more proud of Cass because I knew he remembered what it was like to be poor and not have money for all the glittery and expensive things he wanted back then. I decided to get in on the action as well, offering to write the music for all future commercials in the works and having all the profits go towards their favorite charity. I thought Adam was going to have a heart attack when I told him, but I didn’t care because I too could remember what it was like to be so poor that you didn’t have a dime to spare on anything frivolous.

Clara continued to work with her various school and non-related school activities, cutting back enough so that I wouldn’t worry so much, even though I secretly always worried. It was hard to believe that she was growing up as fast as she was and yet I couldn’t have been prouder of her if I tried. We got to meet Watt’s a couple of months after the night I lost my mind and I found her to the complete opposite of what I expected. Don’t get me wrong she was a wonderfully bright and funny girl, but the problem was that she didn’t really look much like a girl.

“She’s just a little butch” Adam whispered to me the first time I had met her, inviting her and her Aunt over for a family dinner. Cassidy was running late from a meeting, calling ahead and telling us to start without him.

“She looks just like a man. If I didn’t know she was a girl I wouldn’t have ever guessed” I whispered in reply, looking through the partition between the kitchen and the living room where the two girls sat on the couch giggling about something.

“Don’t judge Kristopher” He waggled his finger at me, crying out in pain when I smacked him with a spatula after trying to steal a vegetable from the pan I was sautéing them in.

“I’m not judging and if you put your finger in there one more time I’m going to cut it off” I pointed my weapon of choice at him, both of us giggling like fools when I went after him when he tried it again.

“Do you need some help in here?” I heard Watt’s Aunt Lola ask from the hallway.

“Get this thief out of here before I don’t have any vegetables to serve with our meal” I laughed, pushing Adam towards the door.

“Like it really matters since you burn…” He didn’t finish his sentence, a frown of concern on his face as he ran down the hallway. “Cass…” I could hear the alarm in his voice and it frightened me as I dropped the spatula in my hand and ran after him.

“Cassidy” I cried out in alarm when I rounded the corner and found him slumped against the door, his eyes closed and a look of pain across his face.

“Migraine” I heard him grit out as I rushed over towards him taking his hand and leading him as slowly as I could towards our bedroom.

“Lie down” I whispered softly after stripping him down to his underwear. I waited until he was stretched out before I set to task of making the room as comfortable for him as possible. The lights were the first to go off, quickly followed by the closing of the drapes. I tip toed into the bathroom grabbing a bottle of pain reliever from the cabinet, filling a glass of water before tip toeing back into our bedroom. “How’s your stomach?” I asked quietly because I knew if he was nauseous there was no way he would be able to stomach the pain meds without throwing them up and making his head hurt even more.

“No…” He murmured, pushing my hand away. I took the hint and placed everything on the dresser beside him.

“Sleep” I whispered, kissing the top of his head before leaving the room, closing the door softly behind me. “Where is everyone?” I asked Adam when I walked back into the living room and found it empty except for him.

“I gave Clara some money and told them to go out to dinner” Adam replied quickly, clearly distracted.

“Are you ok?” I asked, walking over towards him because I did not like the look on his face.

“Yeah…fine” He shot back, still clearly distracted. “Has he been having a lot of these migraines?” He finally turned to face me, his breathing heavy and with an intensity to his eyes that scared the shit out of me. “I said has he been having a lot of these migraines?” He asked again when I didn’t answer quickly enough.

“No…this is the first one that I’ve seen. Why?” I bit out because I could tell that he didn’t believe me.

“Think Kris…when was the last time you remember him having one?”

“I’m serious. this is the first one that I can remember” I cried out, lowering my voice due to Cass in the other room. “You’re scaring me Adam…what the fuck?”

"He's never told you" He seemed distracted again, my heart plummeting into my stomach in stone cold fear. I had to resist the urge to run into our bedroom and demand Cassidy tell me what Adam clearly wasn't going to.

"Adam, what aren't you telling me?" I asked again as I grabbed onto his shoulders and shook him.

"I can't believe he didn't tell you" He was looking me dead in the eyes but they had such a far away look in them that I could tell his mind was somewhere far away.

"Then you fucking tell me" I was almost in a full blown panic as I continued to shake him. "You are scaring the shit out of me Adam"

"I can't. He needs to be the one to tell you" He looked at me for real that time, my heart beating even louder in my chest at the outright fear I saw looking back at me.

"Why are you keeping secrets from me?" I asked, my voice quaking full of fear.

"I can't tell you Kris. He needs to be the one to tell you" He repeated his earlier statement, taking my hand and leading me towards the couch. "He going to be out of it for the next several hours" He said, still holding my hand as he guided us onto it. "When he comes out he will probably have a lingering headache for a few hours afterwards. Don't try and feed him because his stomach is all messed up. Just keep the house as quiet as possible and he should be ok by tomorrow. You need to make sure he makes an appointment with his doctor as soon as possible because this how it started last time"

"What started? Why are you keeping secrets from me?" I asked again, tears rolling down my face out of fear of what that secret just might be as my mind came up with all sorts of horrible scenarios.

"I want to tell you Kris, but it’s not my secret to tell" He responded, pulling me into his arms and just holding me tightly. I could feel the tremors running through his body, but I didn't say anything and just closed my eyes and prayed that whatever it was it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

"How's daddy?" Clara’s voice woke me as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes because I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep on the couch a few hours later, Adam sitting quietly beside me.

"He's ok baby" I assured her even thought I wasn't so sure myself. "He's sleeping now. Why don't you go on and go to bed and you can talk to him in the morning. I love you" I smiled at her as she leaned down and kissed me on the lips. "Night"

"Love you too daddy...night" She smiled back. "Are you sure he's ok?" She asked, turning to look at me from the hallway her face anxious and drawn.

"I'm sure" I smiled again, nudging Adam's leg so he could reassure her as well.

"Your dad's going to be fine. He just had a bad headache and once he sleeps it off he will be back to normal" He got up off of the couch, putting his arm around her shoulders and leading her towards her room. Once again I was thankful to have Adam in all of our lives, even though he was keeping a big secret from me. He emerged several minutes later, looking almost as exhausted as I felt. "Are you hungry?" I heard him ask from the hallway because dinner had been forgotten the moment Cassidy walked in through the door. "I could make you a sandwich or something"

"I'm not hungry" I replied quietly, playing with the fringe on one of the throw pillows from the couch. "Are you really not going to tell me?" I had to give it a last ditch effort because I really was concerned about the man that I loved.

"I'm going to head home" Was his answer as he walked towards the door. Call me if you need anything" He was gone before I could respond. I didn’t know what to do with myself as I sat there on the couch for god knew how long before I got up and checked on Cassidy. My heart ached as I peeked in through the door, finding him curled up in a ball the sheets and comforter pulled up over his head. I wanted to cry some more out of fear and aggravation that Cassidy seemed to be keeping important secrets from me and the fact that Adam know what the secret was and refused to tell me.

Chapter Forty-Four

“Is he ok?” I heard my daughter whisper behind me, nearly giving me a heart attack as I was totally lost in my own thoughts.

“He’s fine” I pretend smiled at her again, taking her hand and leading her back to her bedroom so we could talk without disturbing Cassidy. “He’s sleeping now” I said a bit louder once we had reached her room. “I think the worst of it is over” I hugged her close, holding on for a bit longer then I should have, but I couldn’t help it because I was so close to losing it that it wasn’t even funny. “Pretty scary huh?” I laughed, but even it sounded hollow and fake to me.

“Daddy…you’d tell me if something was going on right?” I closed my eyes for a moment because I knew that she wasn’t fooled by my actions.

“I don’t know what’s going on” I decided to be truthful. “Daddy said it was just a migraine, but your uncle looked as if he had seen a ghost the moment he laid eyes on him. He was pretty secretive when I asked him what he was hiding from me. He just kept telling me that your father had to tell me for himself”

“What do you think it is?” She asked, her eyes full of fear.

“I don’t know and we’re not going to worry about it until we can talk to your father and find out the truth. Adam said that he’s had them before that that he usually just sleeps them off, so we can talk to him in the morning” I held her close again when she fell into my arms, both of us holding on for dear life that time. “Come on and get into bed” I nudged her towards her bed, sitting on the side once she had climbed in. “So I really liked your Watt’s” I decided to change the subject in hopes that it would take her mind off of her father.

“You barely had time to talk to her” She beamed, blushing a little.

“I didn’t have to talk to her much to see how crazy she is about you and how crazy you are about her” I replied, taking her hand and playing with a ring Adam had given her on her sixteenth birthday.

“I know that she isn’t some beauty queen, but I really do love her daddy” She blushed even more, ducking her head in a way that was so similar to Cassidy that it made me smile. “No one can understand what I see in her, but she has this amazing soul and when you really get to know her and look past her plainness, you can really see her inner beauty. I don’t care what she looks like; I just love her for being who she is”

“You really do love her don’t you” I had tears in my eyes at the idea of my daughter being in love for the very first time yet they were nothing but happy tears.

“I do. I knew from the first moment that I met her that she was the one for me” I had to laugh at those words, pulling her into my arms holding her once again, recalling Adam saying something similar to me so many years back.

“I’m happy for you baby. I really am” I said, still smiling once I pulled back. “I’m glad that you found someone in your life to love and that loves you in return. It’s an amazing feeling isn’t it?”

“I’ve never been so happy in my life” She sighed, beaming from ear to ear. “Do you believe in soul mates daddy?” She asked, catching me off guard for a moment before I started laughing again.

“I totally believe in soul mates” I replied quickly, taking a deep breath because it seemed that she was following in the footsteps of her father when it came to love and soul mates. I just hoped that she didn’t have to go through all the hurt that he did before he found me again. “I’m happy you found her” I kissed her on the forehead before getting up. “Now get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning. Love you baby” I spoke from the doorway.

“Love you too daddy” I heard her respond through a yawn as I closed the door and walked back towards our bedroom. I debated going in and preparing for bed, but decided it would probably be better to not disturb Cassidy and went and sat on the couch. I felt exhausted as I just sat there and tried to make sense of everything that had happened that night, but my mind was too tired as I laid back and closed my eyes. I tried to think of other things to keep my mind occupied like working on my next album, planning Clara’s birthday party which was coming up in a few months, calling a contactor because I had decided that it was time to remodel the kitchen, but nothing worked. All I could think about was the absolute look of pain on Cassidy’s face once he got home and the look of horror on Adam’s when he spotted him. I had a feeling I already knew what it was, but I didn’t want to even consider it as I decided to pour myself a drink and focus on getting very drunk.

I was halfway there when Cassidy walked into the dinning room where I was sitting at the table with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass. “Why didn’t you come to bed?” He asked, sitting down, pretending that he didn’t see his lover trying to drink himself into stupidity.

“Was it cancer?” I blurted out instead of the answer he wanted, tears glistening in my eyes at the look of surrender I found staring back at me.

“Yes…” He replied simply.

“Brain cancer?” I needed clarification.

“Yes…” Another simple reply.

“The scar on your head wasn’t from a stilting accident?” I continued to question, recalling the first time I had run my fingers though his hair after we had gotten back together and asked him about a raised portion I felt on his scalp. He had told me it was from loosing his balance and falling off of a pair of stilts he had been using for a friends art show, but I knew without him having to say a word that the entire story was a lie.

“No…” I did fall and hit my head in the art show, but the scar wasn’t from there.

“You had surgery to remove a tumor from your brain” I surmised, filling my glass again and downing it in one shot.

“Kris…please don’t do this” He was begging and I as much as I wanted to take pity on him because I could tell he was still in pain, I just couldn’t. I felt betrayed and hurt as I found fascination with the ceiling while trying not to lose my mind. “I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t that big of a deal and we weren’t together then”

“Adam seemed to think it was a big deal” I shot back, glaring at him from across the table. “The look on his face was absolute terror when he saw you come in. I kept begging him to tell me what happened but he wouldn’t and probably couldn’t have anyway because he was so distracted by seeing you that way. So, I highly doubt that it wasn’t a big deal if Adam was affected that way”

“I should have told you” He replied quietly, placing his hand over the top of my glass when I went to fill it again. “I’ve been in remission for years and I really didn’t think that it was that big of a deal” He moved the glass and the bottle away from me before taking my hands into his trembling ones.

“Was it that bad?” I really didn’t want to know that answer, although a small part of me really did.

“It was that bad. Adam’s the one who found me and rushed me to the hospital” He explained while I fought the urge to drink directly from the bottle he had taken away from me. "They started out as small headaches, but then they eventually turned into full out migraines. They would at hit any time and I never had any warning. He constantly told me that I needed to go and see a doctor, but I just brushed it off blaming it on all the stress in my life"

"What stress?" I asked softly, squeezing his hand in what I hoped was a show of support but it really was out of fear. .

"I wasn't going anywhere with my music, getting door after door slammed in my face and then one day I had a record producer tell me flat out that I should just give up because my type of music would never make it in the main stream" I could see the sadness in his eyes because I knew how much his music meant to him. "I let them go on for a long time because the truth was I was petrified at what they were going to find and then one night I was getting ready to go out with Adam and one hit me so hard I felt as if my skull had busted open"

"Oh my god" I cried out, clutching his hand to my chest, biting my lips as I waited for him to continue.

"I was completely paralyzed and yet I could feel every single pulse of pain that shot through me. I had hit my head when I fell and was bleeding all over the place, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. My entire body started to go numb and then I must have passed out because I don't remember anything after that except for waking up in the hospital. Adam had found me several hours after I was supposed to meet him. He got worried when I didn't show up. I was having a seizure when he found me and my head was still bleeding from where I had hit it"

"He was practically dead by the time they got him to the hospital. He had nearly bled out at the cut on his head and had had a major seizure due to the tumor pressing on his brain" We both heard Adam's voice behind us. "They told me right off the bat that there was a ninety-nine percent chance that he wasn't going to survive as they took him to surgery" He sat down beside me, tears in his eyes. "I'd never been so scared in my life. Seeing him like that is something that I'll never forget"

"You saved him" I let go of Cassidy's hand and lunged for Adam, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.

"Nah...he's such a hard head he just refused to go down without a fight" He shrugged it off as I pulled away from him. "Are you having them again?" He turned his attention fully to Cassidy, my breath held within my throat as I waited for him to respond.

"I've already made an appointment with my doctor" He replied instead of the answer, although that answer was enough to let us know that he had.

"How long have you been having them?" I asked, my hands shaking so hard that Adam had to grab them to keep them from flopping around the table like a dying fish. "How long?" I demanded when he just looked between Adam and me with a guilty look on his face.

"A couple of weeks" He relented, slumping forward and hiding his head in his hand.

"Did you take any of the pain reliever I left for you on the dresser?" I asked, standing up, giving Adam a look that dared him to say anything.

"Kris..." Cassidy said my name sounding so miserable, but I didn't care.

"I asked you if you took any of the pain reliever I left for you?" I repeated, not willing to deal with Cassidy's stupidity at not letting me know what had happened in his past and not going to the doctor sooner. "Does your head hurt now? I continued to ask, not really needing an answer at the pain screaming out from his eyes. "Let's get you back to bed" I placed my hand under his arm and lifted him from the chair. He didn't even put up a fight as we walked towards the bedroom we shared. "Take these..." I ordered him, handing him several tablets and a glass of water. "Now lie down and get some rest" I assisted him onto the bed, pulling the covers up to his neck.

"Don't I get a kiss goodnight?" He asked with a not quite there smile on his face.

"Get some sleep" I replied quickly, turning the lamp off and walking towards the door because no matter how concerned I was about Cassidy I was still angry at him as well.

"Aren't you coming to bed?" He continued to talk despite the fact that he should have been resting.

"No...I'm not tired" I lied because I was completely exhausted, but I just needed to be away for Cassidy so I could think.

“Kris…please don’t run away from me” He said, my heart aching to go and comfort him, my mind just needing some space to try and figure out all that I had learned.

“I’m not running away from you. You need to rest and…you just need to rest” I said instead of what I wanted to say because I didn’t want to upset him more then he already was.

“I love you Kris” He said, those words causing me to cringe instead of the warm feeling they usually brought me.

I had the beginning of a headache myself as I walked into the dinning room, intending to clean up my mess before going to sleep in the guest room. “Don’t run away from him Kris” I heard Adam speak as I entered the room, finding him still sitting at the table with a drink in his hand. “If this is happening again he’s going to need you to help him get through this” I watched as he down his shot, holding the glass out towards me. I didn’t hesitate to take it after he filled in, downing it in one go before throwing it across the room, watching it shatter into a hundred pieces against the wall. “I know you’re angry and you have every right to be angry, but you can’t run away from this”

“I’m not going to fucking run away” I cried out in my defense. “I just need some time to decompress…to think. I mean…fucking brain cancer. He had brain surgery and he never fucking told me” I could feel myself getting hysterical and I could see Adam did too as he grabbed me by the arm and jerked me out onto the patio. “Why wouldn’t he tell me Adam?” I asked, my hissy fit cut short as the outright fear of the unknown began to overtake me.

“I don’t know baby…I thought he had” Adam pulled me into his arms, just holding me close as I clung to him as if for dear life.

“I’m scared Adam” I whispered my entire body starting to quiver uncontrollable. “I’m so fucking scared”

“I know you are, but you have to be strong for him and for Clara. We don’t know anything yet, but you have to be prepared if this does turn out to be cancer again” I wanted to cry and scream at the top of my lungs as the word cancer played over and over in my head, instead I just continued to cling to the only man I knew would be able to keep me sane because I already knew in my heart that there was nothing good going to come out of this situation. I decided to sleep next to Cassidy after Adam and I had said our goodnight, curling into his body as close as I could, crying softly to myself until I fell asleep.

Chapter Forty-Five

The next morning we briefly talked to Clara, not giving her all the details that I had learned the night before, but enough to give her some of the truth, but shield her from the worst of it until we knew for sure. Later that afternoon found Cassidy and myself at his doctor’s office while they ran test after test on him. We were both mentally exhausted hours later as we sat in the office of his physician, hands clasped together as we waited for him to return to the room with their findings. “I love you Kris and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about this sooner” He broke the uneasy silence around us.

“It’s ok” I replied with a sad smile, even though I felt anything but ok because I still felt in a sense betrayed. I knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t have changed anything about my feelings towards Cassidy if I had known, but it was just the idea that he had kept something so huge from me for such a long amount of time.

“You don’t love me anymore?” He asked, and I was about to reply with a smart ass remark because I thought he was playing, but as I turned and caught a glimpse of his face I knew that remark was anything but playful.

“I love you so much Cassidy” I replied quickly and truthfully because it was true despite everything that had happened. “Nothing is going to change that…nothing” I assured as I laid my hand on the side of his face and kissed him softly. “Don’t you ever forget that ok?” I smiled as much as I could before leaning forward and kissing him again.

“Thank you for waiting gentlemen” I heard the doctor say as he walked into the room, closing the door behind him. His face was neutral, but there was something in his eyes that told me that the news he was about to deliver was going to be bad. The tension in the room was so thick that it was almost impossible to breathe as I continued to hold Cassidy’s hand, praying like a mad man inside my head that my worst fears were not going to be realized. “I’m afraid it’s what we feared it would be” He spoke the words that devastated my heart, but instead of crying and screaming like a two year old, I took a deep breath and forced myself to be mature and handle it like I knew my lover needed me to.

“What do we need to do now?” I asked, amazed that my voice sounded so calm when I was anything but on the inside. I could feel Cassidy looking at me as I turned my head and smiled at him, assuring him that we were going to do whatever it was that we needed to do to get through the huge hurdle thrown at us.

“I’m afraid that there is only one option and that’s surgery” My heart stopped in my chest, but I forced myself to continue to breath because I couldn’t let Cass see just how much those words were affecting me.

“Ok…set it up. How soon can we do this?” I questioned, knowing that I should give Cassidy the chance to speak on his own behalf, but my mouth just kept running. “How long will the surgery be? Is it ok if I stay with him in his room because I want to be there? What about aftercare? What would we need…”

“Kris…” I felt his hand on my arm, my eyes closing as I swallowed hard because I knew I didn’t want to hear what he had to say next. “Why don’t we listen to what else the doctor has to say before we make any decisions?”

My throat felt heavy and painful as I tried to breathe and be understanding, but my inner diva was screaming and clawing to make an appearance. “Well, like I said there really isn’t any other option other then surgery at this point. The tumor right now is about the size of an orange and the pressure its causing to your brain is what is causing your headaches and migraines. We could try chemotherapy, but honestly I don’t think that the affects would take places quickly enough before more permanent damage occurs. I’m actually surprised that the size and diameter of if that you haven’t started to have reoccurring seizures. The fact of that matter is Mr. Haley that we need to get you into surgery as soon as possible. I can have a team ready within the next couple of hours”

“What if I choose not to do the surgery…what happens then?” Cassidy asked, as I drew in another painful breath, biting my lip as the doctor leaned forward and looked between the two of us.

“Truthfully…reoccurring seizures that can occur at any time from the pressure alone. The migraines will continue as well, but will only get more severe as time goes on leading up to memory loss, paralysis and then death”

A cry of fear erupted from me despite my best efforts to stop it. “I’m sorry…” I spoke roughly, tears forming quickly even though I tried to blink them back repeatedly. My hands were shaking so hard that I felt I was about ready to have a seizure myself. “I’m so sorry” I said again, all my fears thrusting forward as I hid my face behind my shaking hands and cried.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a few moments” I vaguely heard the doctor say before I was crushed within Cassidy’s arms.

“I’m so sorry” I cried out yet again, wrapping my arms around his back and just letting everything flow.

“You have nothing to feel sorry for baby” He replied, his voice just as rough and pain filled as mine. “I’m scared Kris” He murmured against my ear and I could tell by the sound of his voice that he wasn’t just scared but he was truly petrified, just as I was.

“I’m scared too…but we’re going to get through this” I stated firmed, determination filling me once again as I pulled back and placed my still trembling hands on both sides of his face. “We have to do everything that the doctor says to do because we are going to overcome this” I hoped that my words were reassuring in some way because truthfully I was a fall down wreck on the inside.

"Ok" He said with a small nod, almost sounding resigned, but I ignored it as I leaned forward and kissed him. "I love you Precious, just never forget that. Promise me that you will never forget that". I didn't like the tone of his voice or the look in his eye, but I agreed anyway because I did love Cassidy and I knew I always would. I was ready to set up the surgery that very day, but Cassidy had already made up his mind that he was going to do this on his terms and his terms included waiting a week so he could spend time with his family and make sure that all of his affairs were in order. I wanted to cry and scream and demand that we do it my way, but I knew that I had to be supportive and that is just what I did.

Chapter Forty-Six

The very night we got home we had a family meeting, Adam included where he explained to them what the doctor had told him. Their initial reaction was that he have the surgery right away as well, but he somehow convinced them that waiting is what needed to be done and so they backed down. The mood was somber as we all sat in silence afterward; Clara snuggled between Cassidy and I as we sat on the couch, Adam sitting on a chair across the room from us. “I need you all to promise me that if the surgery doesn’t work that you don’t do any heroic measures” Was the last thing he said before he got up and walked over towards the fireplace. “I don’t want to live like a vegetable because if it’s my time to go then it’s my time to go. We’ve all known that I wasn’t going to be part of this family until the very end, so I want each and every one of you to promise me that you will always be there for each other” I was crying so hard as I clutched my daughter’s hand tightly within my own. I knew right then and there without a shadow of a doubt as I looked into her face that she knew of our family’s destiny. “Kris…you’re my soul mate and you’ve made me so very happy these last years and I love you more then I could ever describe to you in mere words, but we both know that I’m not your soul mate. I hope that when the time comes and you are ready that you are able to accept Adam fully into your life as your partner” Clara didn’t even flinch as she looked at me with eyes full of sadness and knowing and I knew then as well that she was gifted just as her mother had been.

I wanted to say something, anything to show that I was being supportive, instead when I opened my mouth to speak all that came out was over hysterical laughter. I laughed so hard that I couldn’t keep my breath and then I laughed some more until I felt dizzy and lightheaded. After that I cried, I cried so loud and so hard as I curled myself into a ball and released every pent up emotion that had been bottled up inside me since I had found out about Cassidy’s former cancer. No one moved a muscle as I lost myself and I was thankful for that because there weren’t any words or acts of kindness and love that were going to be able to sooth me. I don’t know how long my outburst went on, but when I was done I felt a million times better as I got up off of the couch and walked into Cassidy’s out stretched arms. I still couldn’t talk as I buried my face into the warmth of his neck and just held on. Adam and Clara joined us a few moments later as we each came to terms with the fact that Cassidy was going to be leaving our lives very soon. Afterwards after everyone went to bed he and I made love for hours, kissing and touching each other in every way possible because without saying a word we both knew that it wouldn’t be happening again.

It snowed on the day we buried him. Adam said that there was a reason for it, but we never did come up with an explanation as we stood before the grave stone after the funeral. It was so cold that day and it only added to the misery of losing the man that we all loved. I was physically exhausted when it came time to leave, Adam practically carrying me to the waiting limo despite the fact that I never wanted to leave his gravesite. There was nothing but stone cold silence on that drive home as I recalled the previous few weeks that had led up to that day. Nearly a week after our family meeting the surgical procedure to remove his cancer was performed. The surgery took nearly fourteen hours, but that doctor was very optimistic afterwards as he explained the procedure and how he was able to remove ninety-five percent of the cancer. His follow up treatment was going to be a couple of rounds of radiation that he was sure was going to put him in remission yet again. I pretended to share his optimism, but deep within my heart I knew it was just a matter of time before Cassidy was going to be gone from our lives for good. We never left his side as we waited for him to recover. He seemed in high spirits when he finally came out of his anesthesia and it gave me a false sense of hope that maybe it really wasn’t his time to go, only to have it dashed a week later when he had a seizure one night as we sat around his bed spending time with him. It came on so suddenly that none of us were prepared for it, the nurses and doctors forcing us out of his room when that seizure brought on a severe stroke as well. It felt like hours when it fact it had only been less then a hour before the doctor came to us and let us know that Cassidy Haley, the man that we all loved and cherished was no longer with us.

The week after the funeral was such a blur for me. I don’t remember much of it because I was just too numb to feel or deal with anything. The only things I could remember were the blur of hundreds of faces that passed before me throughout that week, each of them offering condolences while offering trays of food. I didn’t remember who I spoke to or what I had done from day to day, but I could remember walking into the kitchen late one night and finding it over flowing with uneaten food. I found it completely hilarious as I held onto the counter, laughing so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. Adam found me like that a few moments later as he wrapped his arms around me and held onto me as the laughter once again turned into sobs of heartbreak and loss. Afterwards he took me to bed, still holding me tightly as I cried myself to sleep in the bed Cassidy and I once shared. After that I forced myself to pull it together no matter how much I wanted to continue to wallow in my pain. I knew I couldn’t though because I had to be strong for my daughter and try and make our lives as normal as I could with her father gone. It was tough getting back on track, but thanks to Adam I found it possible to find the strength to be there for my daughter and move onward. It was hard and I won’t say that we didn’t have little slips from time to time where something would remind us of the man that we loved and one of us would lose it, but we stood strong as a family and eventually we were able to deal with a life with Cassidy not in it.

Several months later I watched as my little girl celebrated her eighteenth birthday with her friends and family. I couldn’t believe that she wasn’t a child anymore and it brought a tear to my eyes as she laughed and joked with all of her friends. “She’s not a baby anymore” I heard Adam say as he walked up beside me placing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side. Since Cassidy’s death he had moved into the main house with us, sleeping in the guest room, but neither of us touching on what Cassidy had made us promise him before he had gone in for surgery.

“Tell me about it” I sighed, wrapping my arm around his waist as I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Where did the time go?” I asked, smiling as I recalled the cute little toddler I had fallen in love with the first time I had laid eyes on her. “It seems like she was just a baby yesterday and now she’s an adult who is going to be leaving for college in just five months” I didn’t want to even think about that idea as I stepped away from Adam and grabbed myself a beer out of a nearby cooler “I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself once she’s gone” I didn’t have to turn around to feel Adam’s eyes on me, knowing that I was going to have to deal with him sooner then later.

“We need to talk about it Kris” He confirmed my fears as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I replied.

“I know…but not right now” I said, walking away from him as I grabbed my daughters hand and led her towards the table overflowing with birthday presents. I knew that I was only postponing the inevitable, but I wasn’t ready and the truth of the matter was I didn’t know when I was going to be ready.

A month later the two of us watched as she graduated from high school as valedictorian of her class, both so proud as she accepted her diploma, blowing us a kiss as she walked across the stage. “You can’t keep avoiding me forever” He whispered against my ear later that night as we danced together at her graduation party. I knew he was right because I had made it very obvious in the weeks before that party that I was going out of my way to avoid being alone with him. Yes, I knew we needed to have that talk, but I also knew that when we did that Adam was going to be anything but happy about it.

“You know that I don’t have a problem with you getting together with Uncle Adam right?” Clara blurted out one night out of the blue as we sat together at the dinner table, she having to pound my back several times in order to clear the salmon I was choking on from my throat. “I’m just saying that it’s been months since daddy’s death and I’m leaving for college in less then a month and I just don’t want you to be alone in this big house and besides you know that you two belong together”

“Clara…” I didn’t know what I wanted to say so I said nothing as I shoveled another bite of food into my mouth.

“He loves you daddy and I know you love him. It’s what’s meant to be, even daddy knew that. You promised him. I know you love him so why not be with him” She repeated and the truth was that I did love Adam, I couldn’t deny that, but I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to deal with what being with Adam entailed. .

“I do love him and I love you and I know you are worried about me, but I’m fine. Adam and I will talk soon, but for right now nothing else is as important then spending as much time as I can with my baby girl” I wiped at the tear glistening in my eye because as proud of Clara as I was and as much as I wanted her to go and be the adult she needed to be, at the same time I wasn’t ready to let her go just yet.

“You act like I’m moving out of the country”

“No…not out of the country but half way across it” I smiled proudly, recalling the moment she had received the letter from Harvard University accepting her into their Political Science program. It was the proudest moment of my life, even better then winning American Idol and being a top selling recording artist. “Just remember to call your old man from time to time” I wiped at my eyes, chuckling like an old fool as she came around the tabled and hugged me from behind.

“You know that I love you daddy and we are always going to be in each others lives. I won’t ever forget everything that you’ve done for me” She had tears in her eyes as I got up and just held her.

“I don’t regret a second of it. I knew you were mine the moment I laid eyes on you. Just remember that no matter how old you get you are always going to be me baby girl” We both laughed at that, hugging each other for a moment more before letting go and going back to our dinner. A month later we sat together, hands clasped on Adam’s private jet, headed towards her new school and the new life she was about to embark on. Adam couldn’t be there since he was on tour, but he called to check on us ever moment he had, the two of us talking deep into the night about everything and anything once I flew back to my empty home. The house felt so strange and quiet as I walked from room to room remembering the good times and even the bad times. I had tears running down my face at just how much I missed my partner and how unfair it was that he had been taken away from us when he should have been there to share such an important moments with his family. I felt a heavy sadness fall over me as I walked into the living room, deciding that the only way for me to get through that night and my withdrawal from my family was to get totally shitfaced. It was as if Adam could feel my pain because at that very moment the phone rang and once again he just talked to me about anything he could think of to keep my mind off of my loneliness.

He still had another month scheduled on his tour, but that next morning I found Adam standing in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He looked completely exhausted when he turned to face me, putting on a brave smile as he walked over towards me and pulled me into his arms. “What are you doing here?” I asked, closing my eyes, thankful that he was there but confused as hell at the same time.

Chapter Fifty-Six

"Adam Lambert...you are my soul mate in every sense of the word. We've had good times and bad, but my heart always loved you even though I tried to fight it every step of the way" I had tears in my eyes at the chocked sob I heard coming from Adam. "I know I've broken your heart more times then I ever should, but I want you to know that mine broke each time as well because I never wanted to hurt you. I love you so much Adam and I always will. I hope that you'll take this ring as a symbol of my love and know that I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure that you never know hurt again. I love you and..."

"Yes...yes…shut up...yes" He cut me off with the biggest smile on his face, rushing forward as he fell to his knees before me, knocking the ring box out of my hand as our bodies collided. I didn’t even know where the ring box had landed because all I could concentrate on was Adam’s hands on my body as he literally ripped off my clothing and the feel of his lips as he kissed the very breath from my body. We made love to each other for hours on that floor, neither of us getting enough or willing to stop until we were both too exhausted to do more then crawl into bed. “I’ll be right back” He said with a smile, kissing me quickly as he slid off of the bed. I didn’t know where he had found the energy to move much less leave the room, but when he reappeared with the food I had ordered earlier in his hands, I was so glad for his stamina. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve worked up quite the appetite” He hollered over his shoulder as he disappeared into the other room again, coming back that time with the chilled bottle of champaign.

“You are so brilliant” I beamed at him, forcing myself to sit up because I found myself hungry as well.

“Did you really mean it Kris?” I heard him ask as he bent down to pick up the discarded ring box after placing the bottle on the night stand. “Do you really want to marry me?”

“More then anything I’ve ever wanted to do in my life” I replied with out hesitation, the tiredness I felt earlier gone as I climbed out of bed, gently taking the box from his hands. My own hands were trembling as I removed one of the rings, lifting his hand to my lips before I kissed his ring finger softly. “I love you so much Adam and I want to spend the rest of my life proving it to you” I vowed as I placed it on his finger.

“You don’t have to prove anything to me Kris. I love you and I believe you when you tell me that you love me too” He replied as he eyed the box, trying to hide the small bit of hesitation that he still felt but I could still see it. It hurt me to know that he was so unsure about a relationship between the two of us, but I couldn’t blame him for all the hurt and the pushing away I had caused him in the past.

“I know you know, but I’ve hurt you a lot since you’ve come back into my life and I’d be a fool to think that it won’t take some time before you fully forgive me for it. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you because I really do love you Adam and I want to work at gaining your trust one hundred percent. I want you to put this ring away and when you’re ready, when you’re really ready” I stopped him from speaking as I placed my finger across his lips. “When you’re really ready” I repeated. “Then I want you to put it’s mate on my finger” I wasn’t angry or hurt as I watched him take the ring box out of my hand, placing it in his shoulder bag before coming to stand before me once again. I couldn’t be angry because I knew we still had some more of our journey left to go before we could truly be together in the end.

“Thank you” He said tearfully as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. “Thank you for understanding” I didn’t reply, but I knew words weren’t needed as I wrapped my arms around his waist and immersed myself in the scent and the feel of that man I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would eventually marry.

“I can’t shop anymore” I whined loudly, my arms loaded down with bags of all shapes and sizes from what felt like the million and one stores Adam had dragged me too that day. We had been in Paris for nearly a month and as much as I loved spending so much time with the man that I loved, I had to admit that I was growing homesick to see my daughter and I was completely over Paris France and all of its many shopping establishments. “Adam…please take pity on me” I whined even more when he stopped at yet another overly priced store, ogling something in the store front window. I didn’t know where the man got the energy to shop for hours and hours upon end, but I was exhausted as I leaned against a bicycle rack, my arms falling painfully to my sides due to the heaviness of those bags.

“You know what…you’re right. It’s time to call it a day” He spun around to face me, a look on his face that I couldn’t quite make out. “Come on lets go” He grabbed my arm, jerking me into the street where he hailed a cab. “You go back to the hotel. I have one more thing that I need to get and then I’ll meet you back there” He literally shoved me into the seat, the bags in my hands flying everywhere but he didn’t seem to care as he shouted at the driver where he wanted him to drop me off, the door slamming in my face before I could speak a word. I watched as Adam rushed back onto the sidewalk, disappearing into the shop while my mind tried to figure out what had just happened. I was worried, but not enough to turn the cab around as I sank back into the seat and gave my aching feet a much needed rest. Thankfully the hotel had a staff member bring up all the bags from the cab as I practically crawled into our hotel room falling heavily onto the couch once I made it fully inside. I thanked the bellboy with a hefty tip before he left, kicking off my shoes and stretching out on the softness of the couch. I was asleep within minutes, not waking up until I felt soft lips kissing my forehead. “Hey baby…” He smiled down at me as I opened my sleepy eyes. “I really wore you out huh?” I could only nod as he gently cupped my face, closing my eyes and enjoying the soft kiss placed on my lips next.

“You ok?” I opened them again when I recalled Adam’s odd behavior. He didn’t say anything for a long time, his eyes actually looking haunted and sad as he looked down at me. “Adam…what’s wrong?” I asked fearfully, forcing myself to sit up, my eyes following his line of sight as he looked at a guitar case lying on the floor by his feet. “Oh my god…” I cried out, sitting up even further because there was no doubt in my mind what it was as I continued to stare at it.

“Now you know why I kind of freaked out” He replied with what I could only assume was a fearful tone as he reached forward and placed the case on the coffee table in front of us. My heart was beating so quickly in my chest that I felt as if I almost couldn’t breathe and it only got worse at the heaviness in my throat caused by the tears glistening in my eyes. “It’s the one that your father left you. I’ve been looking for it for years and I could never find it. It figures I’d finally find it when you and I are together and everything is going so great” I watched as he opened the case, my breathing stopping altogether as I took in the sight of my beloved guitar. I had an ache so deeply within my heart at just how much I missed my family, but also from the fact that Adam seemed to think that it was a bad omen now that it was back in our lives.

“Adam…” I turned to face him, not even realizing that he had left as I found the couch empty. “Adam…” I said his name again, walking into the bedroom and finding him sitting on the bed with a look of loneliness on his face and tears in his eyes that just shattered my heart. “Whatever it is your thinking it’s not going to happen” I rushed over, sitting down beside him as I took his hands into my own. “Yes, I was shocked to see my father’s guitar and yes it does have a bad memory of two that goes along with it, but it has good memories too. It belonged to my father who left it to me because he knew how much I loved it, but there is also the fact that it was able to pay for the treatment you needed to ensure that you’d be here next to me today”

“I just saw it and freaked out because I can still recall that day I told you I had had it appraised and how angry and hurt you had been because of it. I almost got in that cab with you and vowed to forget that I ever saw it, but then I remembered how much it meant to you and I had to go back and get it” Tears were flowing down both of our cheeks and each for different reasons, but I refused to let those few bad memories from our past destroy what we had worked so hard for in our future.

“I love you and it changes nothing about that” I reached out, slipping my fingers into the softness of his hair as I forced him to look at me. “Thank you for bringing it back to me” I didn’t give him a chance to speak as I leaned forward and kissed him hungrily.

“I was afraid you’d see it and remember how horrible I was to you then and it would bring back all those memories and then you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore” He spoke quietly across the top of my head as he held me after we had made love.

“It brought back the memories” I admitted. “But I meant it when I said that it changes nothing about how I feel about you. We were young and stupid back then, but we did what we felt was right at the time. I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’m not happy to have it back because it makes me remember the happy times I spent with my family before I even knew you. It really means so much to me that despite all of your fears that you got it back for me anyway”

“I’d do anything for you if I thought it would bring some happiness into your life” I could tell he meant those words as I kissed him again and again until it turned heated and we made love yet again. I was exhausted afterwards as I curled up against the warmness of Adam’s body, falling into a deep slumber within seconds. When I woke up, Adam was still beside me, looking at me with a playful smile on his face and full contentment within his beautiful eyes.

“Hey” I couldn’t help but smile back, rubbing my hands over my eyes, both of them growing wide at the brush of something metal running across my face. “Adam…” My voice was low and almost hoarse as I pulled them away from my face and found the matching wedding band on my ring finger. I had tears in my eyes as I continued to stare at it for a few moments more before lifting my eyes to the man I was going to marry. “I love you so much Adam” I cried out, flinging my body towards him, kissing him with all the love and passion that I held for him.

"You're awfully quiet" Adam said several hours later as we laid together in each others arms.

"I've been thinking about Clara. I guess that I'm just missing her" I shrugged looking up at him as my cheek laid on his chest.

"You're ready to go home then?" He chuckled, it rumbling in his chest as I continued to lie upon it. "Well you lasted here longer then I thought you would" He laughed again.

"Jerk..." I swiped at his stomach, sitting up and crossing my knees in front of me. "I just want to see my little girl and then go home and start my life with you"

"I like the sound of that" He replied, his eyes bright and happy, causing my breath to catch in his throat at just how beautiful he looked. "I've always loved Paris, but I'm ready to go home too"

"Do you think we could visit Clara before we actually go home?" I asked shyly even though I knew he wouldn't miss a chance to see his princess.

"I'll make all the arrangements in the morning" He yawned, leaning over to kiss me before he tugged me back into his arms. "Love you Kristopher"

"Love you too Adam" I responded with my own yawn as I closed my eyes and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Chapter Fifty-Seven

"Oh my god I can't believe you're finally here" I heard my daughter scream as she opened the door to her apartment and found Adam and I standing there. "I've missed you so much daddy" I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as she jumped into my arms, knocking me into Adam who was standing beside me.

"What about me?" Adam pretend pouted, laughing heartedly when she wrapped one arm around his neck and squeezed us together.

"Let me see it...let me see it" She turned all her attention to Adam, jumping up and down as he showed her the ring I had put on his finger. "I just can't believe you're finally together" She continued to jump, hugging us both once again before grabbing our hands and dragging us into her apartment. We had an amazing day spending time together laughing and catching up. The next day she showed us around the campus, introducing us to her friends. We even met a couple of her professors who could do nothing but sing the praises of my baby girl. I couldn't have been prouder of her as we headed back to her apartment, making plans for dinner before Adam and I headed back to California the next morning.

"So where's Watt's?" I asked, finally realizing that we hadn't seen the woman who was her girlfriend and roommate since we had gotten there. In fact I realized that she hadn't even mentioned her even before I had run off to Paris. "Is everything ok?" I asked at the sadness that covered her beautiful face as she found fascination with the floor for a moment before turning watery eyes to me.

"We broke up" She sniffled once before she broke down. "It's all my fault" She wailed, falling into Adam's arms as he rushed over towards her.

"What happened baby?" Adam asked the question I was dying to know myself.

"It was just a stupid mistake. I just wanted to know what it was like and she walked in on us and she didn't understand" She blurted out words so fast that it was kind of hard to follow them at first, but then those words began to set in.

"Wait...are you saying you cheated on Watt's?" I rushed out, hoping that I had made a mistake and heard her wrong.

“It was just a little kiss. It didn’t mean anything” She replied, even more tears sliding down her cheek.

“You kissed another girl” Adam asked. “I don’t understand. The last time I talked to you Watt’s was all you could talk about”

“I think if I had kissed a girl she would have been able to forgive me” Was her reply as she pushed away from Adam and started to pace before us.

“I’m confused” Adam said and despite the seriousness of the situation I couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit to myself at the cute look on his face.

“She kissed a man” I clarified, placing my hand on Adam’s knee as we both looked for an explanation from my daughter.

“Why the hell did you do that?” He cried out. “You’re a lesbian and the last time I checked lesbians didn’t go around kissing boys”

“Are you trying to tell us that you’re bi or maybe that you’ve decided your straight after all?” I asked gently, wrapping my arm around Adam’s back in hopes of calming him down so we could get the whole story.

“No…I’m a lesbian” She announced with a flounce as she fell into a chair across the room from us. “I don’t know why I did it honestly, except maybe to be sure, but the first time I kissed him I knew that he wasn’t who I wanted to be kissing”

“I’m still confused” Adam whispered to me, but I just gave him a small smile before turning my attention back towards Clara.

“David sits next to me in my political science class and we’ve been studying together for a few nights a week after class” She began, wiping the tears from her face before she went on. “I’ve knew he liked me, but I let him know that I had a girlfriend that I was very happy with. I don’t even know what happened but one night we were studying and we started flirting back and forth. We almost kissed that night, but I pulled back before it could happen and played it off. I told Watt’s later that night and she got really angry at me. She told me that if I wasn’t sure then I needed to find out. I told her that I loved her and that it meant nothing and she believed me, but then that next time we met to study, he brought the almost kiss up and before I could stop him, he kissed me. I could have pushed him away and told him to stop, but I didn’t and that’s when she walked in. I tried to explain to her that it meant nothing, that I made a mistake and that I loved her, but she wouldn’t listen and she moved out. It was only a kiss; it wasn’t like it was cheating or anything”

“Wow…” Was all Adam could say. I however had plenty to say on the subject.

“Kissing is cheating, Clara” I exclaimed, pushing Adam’s hand away when he tried to keep me from leaving the couch. “You claimed to be in a relationship with Watt’s and then you kiss another man…how could you be so irresponsible?”

“Jesus Chris Kris, she just made a mistake” Adam defended her of course, pissing me off yet again because he always defended her even if she was wrong.

“I know what it’s like to kiss someone else when you’re supposed to be in a relationship and how devastating it can be to that person when they find out, and you off all people should understand that Adam” I glared at him, hating that my daughter was hurting, but angry that she seemed to be following in my footsteps from days gone by. I knew that I was being a bit harsh on her, but I didn’t want her to have to go though all the agony and the pain that Adam, Cassidy and myself had to go through due to one kiss that started the downward spiral that was our love lives. “I’m not trying to be mean or hurt you baby, but I know how devastating one kiss can be in a relationship. I want you to realize that it isn’t something little and it is considered cheating” I knelt before her, holding her tight when she curled into my arms. “Have you tried to talk to her about it?” I spoke against her ear as I continued to hold her.

“Several times, but she won’t forgive me. I knew it was a mistake the moment our lips touched, but I didn’t stop it in time. I miss her so much and I’d do anything to have her back” She sobbed against my shoulder, wetting the fabric with her tears as I tried to come up with a solution to her problem.

“What ever you’re thinking forget it” Adam whispered later that night as we laid in bed together after saying goodnight to Clara.

“I’m not thinking about anything” I lied, knowing it was a lost cause because Adam could always read me like a book.

“Kris…” There was a warning to his voice, but I chose to ignore it as I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a few moments before speaking again.

“Do you think that anyone gets it right on the first try” I asked, thinking about the highs and the lows of my relationship with Cassidy and Adam before we finally found happiness.

“Not anyone that I know ever has” He replied, causing me to smile because he already knew what I was talking about without really having to explain it.

“It’s just you want to protect them you know” I sighed, rolling onto my side so I could look at the man that I loved. “I hate that she’s hurting”

“You were pissed at her earlier and now you want to try and get them back together” Adam reached out and traced his fingers down the side of my face, causing me to sigh again.

“I wasn’t pissed…just upset that she didn’t look at it as cheating. Do you remember how devastated Cassidy was when I told him about our first kiss?”

“Our situation was a little bit different Kris. It wasn’t just about the kiss. We fell in love and you broke up with him to be with me”

“I know…” I replied softly, lying my hand on top of his and closing my eyes for a moment.

“You’re still going to try and fix it aren’t you?”

“I can’t explain it but something is telling me that those two have to be together…that they belong together and if we can fix it somehow along the way then we have to do it” I already knew that Adam was going to do whatever I asked of him by the slight smile on his face and the light in his eyes and it made me love him even more.

“I love you” He murmured against my lips as he leaned in to kiss me.

“I love you too” Was my response before I deepened the kiss.

“So what’s the plan?” He asked several minutes later as I laid snuggled within his arms.

“No clue, but Clara said that she’s working at one of the local pizzerias near the college. I was thinking that maybe we could postpone our flight just a couple of hours and have lunch” I grinned, once again knowing that Adam was going to cave by the look in his eyes.

“I’ll call and reschedule our flight in the morning” He rolled his eyes, pulling me in a bit tighter and kissing the top of my head. “I suppose we’re not going to tell Clara about this?” He questioned, but I knew I didn’t have to answer. “She’s going to love us if this works out and hate us if it doesn’t” He went on, causing my heart to beat a little bit faster because I knew we were going to do it together.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

We took Clara out to breakfast the next morning, still holding onto the pretense that we were leaving on schedule. She chatted on endlessly about one subject and then another, but I could tell her mind was still on Watt’s. I was lost in thought as I tried to figure out how I was going to make the woman that she loved see that she had made a mistake and that she wanted her back, jerking back to the present at a nudge at my leg. “Did you hear what Clara just said?” I heard Adam ask as I looked between the two of them, having no idea what the hell I had missed.

“Sorry…I was thinking about something else” I said, not liking the look of hesitation on my daughters face as she played with her napkin. “What is it?” I ground out when neither of them seemed to want to tell me.

“I was telling Clara that since neither you or I are on tour this summer that maybe we could all get together and do some sort of family vacation before she has to come back to school in the fall, but it seems that our little princess has other plans” Adam spoke first, grinning like crazy at the annoyed look she shot him before she locked her eyes on the napkin in her hand.

“I’ve been accepted to be an intern at the white house this summer” She mumbled, practically shredding the napkin into confetti as she stared at the table. “I can turn it down…”

“Turn it down are you crazy?” I cried out, nearly falling to the floor in my haste to get out of the booth I was sitting in. “Oh my god Clara…that’s amazing” I beamed, pulling her out of her side as I hugged her tightly. “Why didn’t you tell us this when we first got here?”

“I wasn’t sure how you were going to react when I told you” She tried to explain, laughing when Adam finally made me let go of her, tugging me back into the booth next to him. “I mean, I would love to go on vacation with the two of you, but it’s the white house. They don’t usually accept freshmen into the program, but my professor said that they were so impressed with me that they decided to make an exception”

“You do know that it’s only a matter of time before she becomes president?” Adam said with a smile, causing me to tear up at just how proud he looked of Clara.

“That’s the plan” Clara winked at the two of us, causing Adam and I to look at each other while she went back to her breakfast with a grin on her face.

“You don’t think that…nah” Adam started to speak, and then scoffed at the idea after we dropped Clara back off at her apartment and pretended to drive to the airport.

“She’s going to be the president” I said what he couldn’t, my mind going back to a conversation I had had years earlier with her mother. She had told me that I had been meant for great things, but I knew that what I was really meant to do was support my daughter and ensure that her destiny was followed. I didn’t know what that path was going to exist of, but what I did know was that my daughter was the one meant for greatness and that Adam, myself and even Watt’s were going to be the ones supporting her in every way in order to get her there.

"What are you going to say to her when she see's us?" Adam asked as we sat in yet another booth waiting for the waitress to take our order.

"I have no idea" I shrugged because I really had no idea.

"Well you better come up with something" He whispered, smiling widely when the person we were looking for walked up to our table.

"Mr. Allen...Mr. Lambert" She called out our names, a look of panic on her face. "Is Clara ok?"

"She's fine...she's fine" I replied quickly, gesturing to the empty seat in front of us. "Can you sit for a few minutes? Adam and I would like to talk to you".

"Um...sure" She hesitated for a moment before turning towards the front counter. "I'm going to take my break now"

"You've only been on the clock thirty minutes" A tall pimply faced kid hollered back. "Oh shit Adam Lambert...Kris Allen. Take your time" He blushed when Adam and I peeked around the corner and he recognized who we were.

We sat there in uncomfortable silence for several minutes before she spoke up. "Congratulations" She nodded towards our joined hands, my ring glistening from the sunlight through the shop window.

"Thank you" I smiled at Adam, squeezing his hand before turning back to face her. "I guess you're wondering what we're here for?" I asked, noticing just how tired and sad she looked since the last time we had seen her.

"She told you what happen?" She said with such sadness to her voice that it broke my heart.

"She did" I replied, leaning into Adam, so grateful when he placed his arm around my shoulders. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, especially from her family, but she really is sorry"

"I know she is" She replied softly, her voice wavering in a way that made me want to go to her and pull her into my arms. "That's not the problem".

"You're worried that she may change her mind and decide that she prefers being with a man rather then you" Adam spoke up, hitting a nerve at the lip tremble we both saw.

"You have to know she loves you. She's miserable without you" I defended my daughter despite the fact I was still angry at what she had done. "You up rooted your entire life for her. You can't be ready to just give up"

"What if she changes her mind? I know she loves me" She looked at me when she said that and it hit me just how much I cared for Watt’s and already thought of her as part of our family. "But I don't know if I can deal with the devastation if she decided to be with a man"

"Oh baby...she only wants to be with you" Adam slide into the other side of the booth and hugged the openly crying girl. "She admits she was curious, but she knew afterwards that she only wants to be with you"

"She could still change her mind. For me its not a decision that needs to be made, it never has been but for her..."

"It’s not a decision for her either" Adam spoke up, pushing her backwards a bit so he could look at her. "She knows she's a lesbian and she knows that she wants to be with you. The question is can you forgive her because I can see you're still in love with her"

"I'm afraid" She whispered, ducking her head.

"Of course you are, but isn't she worth the risk?" He asked softly, my heart squeezing at just how much I loved that man. "I've been in this situation before and I know how scary it can be, but it was totally worth it in the end" He smiled at her, hugging her again. "She loves you and we already know you love her, so you have to decide if she's worth the risk"

"What the hell are you two doing here?" I heard an all too familiar voice scream as I looked over and found my very irate daughter standing beside the table.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

"He can explain" Adam pointed towards me quickly, refusing to look at me as he stared at the table in front of us.

"Coward" I grumbled, glaring at him when he peeked over a me for a split second before locking his eyes back on the table.

"Well someone better" Her voice got louder as she looked between the two of us.

"I'm ready to come home" Watt's spoke up before either of us had the chance.

"What?!" We all cried out at the same time.

"Let her out" I squawked at Adam when the meaning of her words sunk in. I watched as Adam nearly fell out of the booth trying to get out, standing off to the side as Watt's slid out behind him, wrapping my crying daughter in her arms. I had tears in my eyes as I watched them whisper words of love to each other, both of them crying before they shared such a loving kiss. "Oh my god...it worked" I threw myself at Adam when he hesitantly sat down beside me. "And you're still a coward" I pointed out but with no heat behind my words as I leaned forward and kissed him. “I’m going to make sure you pay for that later” I murmured against his ear, extremely happy that my family finally seemed to be falling back into place.

"You know you can't really blame me" He giggled against my lips. "She has a temper just like yours" He laughed, then cried out when I pretend punched him in the side. “Oh and I can’t fucking wait for that punishment” He whispered against my ear, tugging it with his teeth, his hand under the table squeezing my thigh.

"Do you want to explain to me why you’re here?" I heard Clara ask, pulling Adam and I away from our playful banter, his hand still lying heavily upon my thigh.

"Don't say it" I warned Adam playfully when he went to point at me again with his free hand. "I think the better question is what are you doing here?" I turned the tables on her, laughing at the blush that spread across her cheeks.

"I always walk by here when I know she's working" She blushed even harder.

“You do?” A chorus of voices cried out together again before we all fell into laughter.

“Don’t change the subject” My daughter warned me, but I could tell she really didn’t care that we were there any longer as she gazed over at her lover, sharing another kiss with her. “So…spill” She turned her attention back to me, such a beautiful smile upon her face that it made my heart ache with so much joy.

“You were just so unhappy and I couldn’t just go back to California and not do something about it” I shrugged, leaning fully into Adam when he squeezed my thigh again. “You two belong together and it broke my heart that you were apart” I felt my throat close as I recalled how sad my baby looked, but it disappeared just as soon as it appeared at the looks of happiness I found from both girls as they beamed at me from across the table. “You’re family Watt’s. I just want you to know that and it broke my heart to know you were hurting too” Tears watered my eyes at just how true those words were because she was part of the family and I knew she always would be.

“Thank you Mr. Allen” She whispered, tears in her eyes as well as I reached out for her hand.

“No more Mr. Allen” I winked at her. “From now on I’m Kris…or you can call me dad” The table went silent and I’d thought that maybe I’d pushed the moment to far as it stretched out around us.

“I’d like that” She finally broke the silence, squeezing my hand before releasing it and hiding hers under the table.

“Well, I’m glad that I was able to fix everything” Adam said with a straight face, the three of us looking at him as if he had lost his mind. “What?” He asked, trying not to grin but losing it rather quickly as I poked him in the side. “Seriously though…I’m really glad that Kris insisted we come here and talk to you” He directed himself at Watt’s, the corniest grin on his face, but one that made my heart quicken in my chest. “I always knew you were the one for my princess here. You keep her grounded because lord known’s that she does tend to lose herself when she focuses on a task. You are so like your father in that aspect” He then turned his attention towards Clara, tears in his eyes. “You’re so much like him in that when it comes to something that’s important you do whatever you have to do to achieve it, wither its love or a cause and now your career. I just want you to know that I love you both and I’m so happy that our little family is whole once again” I absolutely wanted to cry at Adam’s words, but I didn’t have a chance as he leaned forward to kissed me, his phone blaring from his pocket before I could receive that kiss. “Shit…it’s the pilot” He cried out, looking at the screen after pulling it out of his pocket. The table was silent once again as we all listened to him talk on the phone, placing it back in his pocket when he was finished. “I hate to break this reunion up but we have to go” He looked over at me, finally giving me my missed kiss before pushing his way out of the booth. “We really have to go baby” He said softly, reaching his hand out towards me because I knew he knew I was reluctant to leave. I didn’t say anything as I took his hand and allowed him to tug me out of the booth, sharing a smile and a wink as I stood beside him all teary-eyed.

“I’m going to miss you so much” He smiled at Clara, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly. “Stay out of trouble” He whispered against her ear, but loud enough for me to hear. “No more kissing boys”

“I won’t” She whispered back, kissing him on the cheek.

“You can call me dad too if you want” He spoke shyly to Watt’s hugging her and kissing her on the forehead before releasing her. She didn’t say anything in response, but I could tell by the look on her fact that she was touched by his gesture and it made my heart soar.

“I love you so much Clara” I cried out when my daughter rushed into my arms. “So…so much” I whispered, my emotions getting the best of me as the tears I had been trying to keep at bay slide down my face. “Be good to her” I nodded towards her girlfriend. “Be good to each other” I cried even harder when Watt’s flew to my side, holding them both and not ever wanting to let go. “I love you both” I was a near wreck as Adam searched out my hand and slowly moved us towards the door. “I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow” I winked, smiling despite my tears as I watched Watt’s wrap her arms around my daughter, both of them waving and blowing kisses until Adam and I were out the door.

“You ok?” He asked as we made our way towards the airport.

“I’m perfect” I smiled lovingly at him, wiping at my face before I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I love you so much” I sighed with so much love and contentment in my heart because I knew we were all finally and truly on the right path.

Chapter Sixty

I knew that we were going to catch some flack when we got back home and the world found out that Adam and I were a couple, but it was nothing compared to what I could have ever comprehended. Adam and I had talked on the plane about how we were going to approach our coming out as a couple and once again he tried to be the good guy stating that he was willing to wait until more time had passed, even willing to not come out at all in order to save me any grief or pain and I couldn’t have loved him more for it. However, I had made the decision that I wasn’t going to hide the love that I felt for Adam or the fact that we were a couple. He begged me to reconsider, but I just shushed him with a kiss that let him know I was done talking about it. We made out for a little while, expressing words of love and devotion before both of us nodded off for the remainder of that flight. We expected there to be some paparazzi waiting for us as we exited the airport, but what we didn’t expect was the hundreds of photographers that bombarded us, flashes and inappropriate questions screamed at us the moment they spotted us. I was confused and taken aback because I had no idea why they were out there and how they seemed to already know that we were a couple. I could hardly see, blinded by the flashes that continued to explode in our face, Adam thankfully taking control as he grabbed my hand and shoved his way through the madness like a tank. I was almost in a full panic as he placed me into a waiting cab because they were pushing and shoving us around like rag dolls as they tried to get their pictures. I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched Adam knock a whole slew of them to the ground when one dared to enter the cab after me, he grabbing them by the back of his shirt and ripping him from the cab with nothing but ease. “Try that shit again and it will be the last fucking time you take another picture” He raged at the man, flipping everyone the bird before he jumped into the car. I was in his arms before the door was even shut, still trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

“How did they find out?” I rasped against his chest, my heart hammering like crazy in my chest.

“I don’t know baby. Are you ok?” He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice as I sat up and looked at his face.

“They just startled me” I replied truthfully. “Thankfully I had my big strong man to take care of me” I giggled, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m ok” I assured, lying my hand tenderly on his cheek. “Thank you”

“You know that I would do anything to protect you Kris” He seemed to be calming down, but I could still see the worry in his beautiful eyes.

“When did I become the princess in this story?” I teased, leaning forward and kissing him playfully before I laid my head on his chest. “I know you will” I whispered, leaning up and kissing his neck before snuggling in for the rest of the trip back home. We found out rather quickly how our story had leaked when we got home and found both of our managers there waiting for us. It seemed that one of the staff at the airport in France had her cell phone on her and caught Adam and I sharing a kiss as we waited in the VIP lounge to board our plane. She had sent it to some of her friends who had posted it on their Twitter and Facebook pages and it just exploded from there. It hadn’t even been an hour since we had exited the airport and already there were all sorts of stories about Adam and I and the relationship that we shared. Their were stories of cheating and adultery while Cassidy was alive, even a story about how we had planned his murder and ran off to France to hide out. Both of our phones were ringing off of the hook, but neither of us bothered to answer them as we were briefed by our managers how we were going to handle our situation.

“It’s not a fucking situation” I yelled hours later after they had left, Adam lying on his bed looking exhausted and defeated, while I paced like a cage animal in front of him. “I love you dammit...I don’t care what those fucking assholes think” I continued to pace, my anger growing with each step until I was almost ready to burst. “I’m not going to deny this relationship” I roared, pointing at him as I fought the urge to throw something.

“It’s just for a little while” Adam defended what the bosses had said, sitting up as he rubbed his hands over his face. “This is all my fault” He went on, forcing me to stop my pacing because it was just like Adam to take all of the blame but I refused to let that happen.

“I’m hungry…let’s go”

“What?” He blinked up at me as if I had just spoken a foreign language.

“I said I’m hungry…let’s go” I grabbed his hand and jerked his dead weight up.

“We can order something in. We need to stay in while they try and figure out how to run this because I don’t want this to hurt you Kris” He repeated what we had been told and as pissed off as I wanted to be at Adam for just sitting back and letting them try and control our lives, it actually made me smile and even love him a little bit more.

“I’m not hiding what I feel for you. I love you. You are my lover and I’m so happy and proud that we are together” I spoke with nothing but utter confidence in my voice as I tugged him closer to me. “Do you love me?” I asked, staring him dead in the eye because although I knew the answer, I just needed him to say it.

“Kris…you know that I do” He replied in a soft voice. “But maybe they’re right and…”

“You have never let those jerks control your life before and there is no way that you are going to let them do it now. You are Adam fucking Lambert and you’ve always lived your life by your own rules, no need to stop that now” I declared with a smile on my face.

“I was only thinking of me before, now I have to think about you and how this affects you” He tried to reason, but I wasn’t having it.

“I love you” I smiled even wider, squeezing his hand as I leaned up for a kiss.

“I love you too” He spoke against my lips, looking at me in confusion when I tugged him towards the front door.

“I’m not hiding you or what you mean to me…deal with it” I shrugged, laughing like a loon when he finally realized that I meant what I was saying and pulled me into his arms.

We were followed and bombarded the moment that we left our driveway, hounded and screamed at as we entered and exited the restaurant, but we didn’t care as we held hands and just smiled for the cameras. Our management tried to call us repeatedly throughout the night, but we ignored them as well as we made love to each other before falling asleep in each others arms. The madness didn’t end after that night; in fact it got even worse as the weeks went by. The stories were still in the media and with each day that passed they became more outrageous. Both of our labels threatened to drop us, but quickly put it to rest when we threatened to counter sue for harassment. Adam was sued by the guy who he threw out of the cab, but as expected he was paid off by the record company, but not before the footage and his story was dissected over and over again by the tabloids. It was an insane time, but we refused to let it get the better of us or impeded on our lives as we went about our days as if nothing had happened. Every media outlet wanted to hear our side of the story, willing to pay top dollar to us or even our favorite charities, but we still refused because the truth was there really wasn’t any major story. We knew the real truth and that was all that mattered. Eventually we became old news, but it didn’t matter because we had never let it bother us in the first place.

Six months after coming back from France found us pretty much living in Adam’s home because it was just too hard with all the memories of Cassidy to live in the main house. Adam assured me constantly that he understood, but it just felt odd and almost like a betrayal for him and I to sleep in the same bed that Cassidy and I once shared. I don’t think that he really understood and as much as I knew it was stupid because Cass had made us promise before he passed that we would be together, it still bothered me enough that I couldn’t do it. Adam had even been brave enough to broach the subject of selling the house and purchasing one of our own, regretting it immediately when I turned on him and called him every name in the book before storming off. I felt horrible and sad as I locked myself in the big house, refusing to let him in no matter how long he hollered and screamed from the other side of the door that he was sorry. I must have walked the entire house at least ten times before I calmed down enough to lie down, but then the guilt got to be to much as I rushed out of my bedroom towards the one place I knew I would always be welcome no matter what horrible things I had done. He was waiting for me the moment I rushed through the door, not even letting me try to apologize as he swept me up into his arms and walked us to his bedroom. He made love to me like a madman, his kisses hurried and frantic before he took me hard, almost brutally. He tried to apologize afterwards, but I wasn’t having it as I kissed him hungrily and then fell apart in his arms.

Adam was still asleep the next morning when I woke up and I couldn’t help but notice just how peaceful he looked despite the turmoil of the night before. I knew that he loved me, but what I didn’t know or understand was how he put up with me when I seemed to lose myself and how he always seemed to be able to forgive me afterwards. “I love you” I whispered softly against his lips before pulling back with a smile on my face as he murmured something that sounded like I love you in reply. I watched him for a few moments as he shifted around a bit before the sounds of light snoring could be heard. I slid carefully out of bed because I knew it would be several hours before he even considered getting up. I dressed quietly, watching him from the doorway for a few more moments before grabbing my keys off of the table and headed out into the early morning. I was thankful there didn’t seem to be much traffic as I made my way towards my destination, my hands shaking and my eyes already burning with unshed tears as I pulled onto the narrow road and made my way towards my destination.

Chapter Sixty-One

I sat in my car for the longest time, eyes closed because I didn’t want to see the vastness of land around me or the grave markers that covered it. I wasn't sure how long I sat there, the ringing of my cell phone forcing me back into the present. "Hey baby..." I smiled into the phone when I saw Adam's picture flashing at me.

"Where are you?" He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice. "Are you ok?"

I was anything but ok, but I didn't want to worry him as I forced a bit of happiness into my voice. "I'm fine" I hoped I sounded convincing. "I had something to take care of, but I'll be home soon. If you behave while I'm gone I'll bring you home a present" I laughed, adding a bit of flirt to my voice in order to hide my sadness.

"What kind of present?" He questioned and it caused me to smile for real because no matter his age I knew Adam was always going to be a kid at heart.

"Guess you're just going to have to wait and see" I giggled softly. "I'll be home soon. I love you Adam".

"I love you too Kris. I can't wait for my present" He giggled back at me before he disconnected the line.

Taking a deep breath I forced myself out of the car, walking slowly towards Cassidy's gravestone. I stood there for a few moments just looking at the inscription, my heart squeezing in my chest at just how much I missed him. "Hey Cassidy" I whispered, my throat heavy with tears as I knelt before the marker, placing my hand on the cool marble. "I should have come here sooner, but some things happened and well...I ran away for a while" I shrugged, feeling kind of silly for talking to a slab, but knowing that I really had to try and make peace with everything that was weighing heavily on my mind. "I don't know if you're watching over us like they say, but I hope you are and can see that everything seems to be on track now. Clara is doing amazing at school and doing an internship at the Whitehouse this summer and I couldn't be prouder of her. She still with Watt's thanks to Adam and I interfering because they had split up for a while, but it was so worth it because as we both know they belong together"

I was a crying mess as I shifted onto my rear end, pulling my knees into my chest. "I miss you so much Cassidy" A sob escaped my throat as I continued to sit there. "I miss that beautiful smile of yours and the way you would make my heart beat faster each time that you looked at me and I feel so guilty because I miss you and I still love you and yet I'm with Adam" The words were flowing before I could stop them because they were words I'd needed to speak for such a long time. "I love Adam too and I know that we're supposed to be together but...”

"But what?" I heard an all too familiar voice say as I jerked my head upwards and saw a beautiful smile directed at me, one that I thought I would never see again.

"Cassidy?" I questioned, looking around to make sure that I hadn’t lost my mind.

"Hey Precious" The apparition that looked like Cassidy smiled at me again.

"Are you really here?" I asked, my eyes wide as I watched him kneel before me, drawing back in fear as he reached a hand out towards my face. "You can't be real" I shuddered, tears flooding my eyes at the gentle touch I felt along my cheek. "Cassidy" I whispered, clutching at the hand on my face because it felt so real. "Oh my god Cassidy" My free hand wrapped around his neck, pulling him forward until we were wrapped within each others embrace, tears blazing down my cheeks.

"It's ok Precious" He spoke softly against my ear as I completely fell apart in his arms. "I've missed you too"

"How are you here?" I stepped back to look up at him, but not enough that I relinquished my hold on him.

"I just am" He shrugged with another brilliant smile "Now let's discuss these issues you seem to be having" I didn't want to talk about anything other then the fact that it was amazing to see him and feel his arms around me once again. "Kris..." He stepped back from me, looking at me with a playful and patient look. “I’m really happy to see you Precious, but I know there’s a reason that you’re really here”

"Adam thinks we should sell the house and I've just got so much guilt because I love Adam, I really do but I still haven't gotten over my feelings for you" Tears slid down my cheeks as my guilt seemed to be growing the longer we stood there.

"Well I hope that you never get over your feelings for me because I know I won't ever get over what I feel for you" He chuckled, taking my hand and tugging me until I was sitting once again. "Look...when we were together it was amazing and the love we shared was real and I meant it when I said that I hope you never get over it. However, we always knew that our time together was going to be limited"

"That doesn't make it any easier" I gruffed, pouting as I jerked my hand out of his and lying it in my lap.

"No it doesn't" His smile faltered a bit as he reached out and took my hand once again. "Kris, I never doubted your love for me the entire time we were together and you have no reason to feel guilty about loving Adam. I'm happy that you finally allowed him back in your life because I want you to be happy"

"You know what happened don't you" I blushed a bit at my earlier actions when I ran off to France.

"I know" He grinned, squeezing my hand.

"I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet" I tried to explain although I knew he would understand.

"I know, but you've had time, you've grieved and now it's time to let me go and move on"

"You're really not very easy to get over you know" I smiled over at him, tears still coursing down my cheeks.

"I know" He winked at me and I couldn't help the chuckle of giddiness that erupted from me.

"God, I really miss you Cass" I smiled reaching forward and cupping his cheek.

"Me too…now, as for selling the house. I don't understand what the problem is because it’s just a house” He went on undeterred, my hand still lingering on his cheek.

"It's not just a house" I exclaimed quite loudly, my voice shrill as I fought the urge to run like I always did. "It was our house. It's where we raised our daughter. There are so many memories there. I can't just let it go like it means nothing"

"Precious, tell me something. Would you lose those memories if the house burned down?" I knew where he was going with his line of questioning, but I didn't say anything as I crossed my arms over my chest because I wasn’t willing to let go of my stubbornness just yet. "Those memories are always going to be here" He laid his hand over my heart and for some reason it caused me to tear up even more. "It's just a house Kris and yes it does mean something, but the memories are never going to go away".

"It's just hard to leave it behind because I feel as if I'm leaving you behind" I sobbed, once again finding myself wrapped up within his arms.

"I will always be with you Kris...always" He murmured against my ear. "But it's time for you to move on with you life with Adam. It's time to start your own memories with him. I love you Kris and I'm always going to love you, but don't think that I'm not jealous as hell that he gets to hold you, kiss you, make love to you" He winked again as he pulled back and looked at me with his smile back in place. “But it’s where you belong…it’s where you’ve always belonged”

"Can you just kiss me again...just one last time?" I asked, clutching at his shirt as I gazed into his beautiful dark eyes. I closed my eyes as his face inclined towards mine, relishing the feels and the taste of him one final time. When I opened my eyes Cassidy was gone and I was all alone. I wasn't sure if I had imagined everything that had just happened, but I realized that the guilt I had been feeling was gone and I felt lighter then I had felt in a long time. I couldn't wait to get back home to Adam and let him know that I was ready to sell the house and get on with our lives, but not before I stopped off at one of his favorite bakery's and picked up something chocolaty and gooey.

"Hey baby...everything ok?" Adam asked, meeting me in the hallway the moment I walked in the door.

"Have you been waiting for me?" I asked, with a playful smile on my face, already knowing the answer by the slight blush on his face.

"You just sounded kind of...lost" He hesitated for a moment, his face reddening even more.

"You know me so well" I replied, placing the box in my hand on a nearby table before curling into his body. "I went to the cemetery" I murmured against his chest, feeling him stiffen for a moment before he wrapped his arms fully around me. "I just had to work through a few things"

"Anything you want to share with me?" He asked, still holding me tightly.

"I guess I was just trying to work through my feelings about Cassidy" I admitted, nearly falling face first into the floor when Adam stepped back abruptly and stormed away from me. "Adam..." I said a bit hesitantly, following behind him as he stood with his back towards me in the living room.

"Am I ever going to be enough for you Kris?" He cried out, turning to face me with such anguish on his face. "You ran away to fucking France to grieve for him. You told me you were over him, that you loved me...you gave me a fucking ring for fucks sake" His voice got louder as he held up the hand with the ring I had given him on his finger. "Am I always going to have to live in his shadow?" He looked so broken as he uttered those words that it broke my heart. "Because I'll do it. I live in the shadow of the man I loved like a brother but am growing to hate because I know you won't ever love me like you loved him"

His words shocked and saddened me because I had no idea that Adam felt those things about Cassidy or myself. "Adam, you can't believe that I don't love you?" I rushed out, wanting to run to him but my feet refused to move one inch because something told me that he wouldn’t want the comfort I was willing to offer.

"Oh I believe that you love me" He responded sadly. "I just don't believe that you will ever love me the way that you loved Cassidy" Those words felt like a flat out slap to the face and yet again I wanted to run away and not have to face the way Adam seemed to be shrinking before me, but I held strong because for once I needed to be a man and face up to situation before me.

"Of course I don't love the way that I loved Cassidy" I said straight forward, stepping forward at the intake of breath I heard coming from Adam. "I love you in a completely different way because you are not Cassidy". I watched his face fall even more and I knew that I was just making things worse with words that I was trying to sooth him with. "Fuck...I'm just making this worse" I cried out in frustration.

"It doesn't matter" Adam said so softly but I could tell it meant everything by the look in his eyes.

"But it does matter" I cried out, placing my hands on the sides of his face and forcing him to look at me. "Adam, I don't love you like I loved Cassidy, but I didn't love Cassidy like I love you" I sighed in frustration because I was explaining it wrong again. "I love you very much, you know that right?"

"I know" He replied, his voice still soft, something in his eyes telling me that maybe he didn’t really believe it regardless of his words. .

"I don't think that you do" I gazed up at him, a wistful smile gracing my face. "I love you so much and not once have I ever compared that love to the love that I held for Cassidy. I know I've put you through hell. I know that I've abused you and made you think that you were always second best, but I never once thought of you as second best. I admit that I held onto my grief a bit harder then I should have, but I want you to know that I've moved past it now. I love you..." I said again just to make sure he knew it. "And I'm ready to start my life with you, to start making memories with you. I want to bind my life forever to you" I poked him softly in the chest, hoping and praying that he could see that I meant every word.

"I love you too" I felt his body slump a little as he wrapped his arms around me. "I know I shouldn't be jealous of Cassidy because I do know you love me but sometimes I just can't help myself. And then afterwards I feel so guilty because Cassidy was my friend and I shouldn't hate him for loving you, but I just can’t help it sometimes"

“I understand that…I really do because I didn’t make it easy for us in the slightest to get where we are.” I looked up at him with such love and admiration in my eyes because it was really quite amazing that Adam loved me after everything I done to him. “It’s really sort of fucked up isn’t it?” I dropped my forehead to his chest, closing my eyes and inhaling the mixture of scents surrounding me. “I don’t deserve you but here it is…bottom line” I stated plainly as I looked up at him once again. “I love you and despite all of the fucked up stuff that has happened in our past and even now in our future” I rolled my eyes playfully. “I’m ready to sell this house and find one that you and I can share together”

“You nearly chopped my head off when I mentioned this to you before” He reminded me, causing me to flinch as I recalled how ugly I had been to him.

“I know and I’m sorry, but when I was at the cemetery I realized that this is just a house and I was worried that if we sold it that I would lose all of the memories associated with it” I decided to be truthful, opting to leave out the part where it had been Cassidy that had allowed me to come to my great epiphany, because honestly I still wasn’t sure if I had dreamed the whole thing up or not. “The fact is that I will always have those memories, but it’s time to create new ones and for that I need you”

“You need me huh?” He questioned, but I could see the happiness seeping into his eyes and across his face.

“For ever and ever…amen” I quoted a line from one of my favorite songs, one that I knew Adam hated, but regardless it seemed to fit the moment.

“Amen” He whispered as he leaned down and kissed me softly. “Shall we take this to the bedroom?” I didn’t say anything as I took his hand and led him back into the hallway we had just left and up the stairs. “Kris?” I could hear the question in my name as I tugged him up towards the bedroom that Cassidy and I once shared because it was truly time to let the haunts of the past go. We made beautiful love to each other in that bed, declaring my love for Adam over and over again afterwards as I traced my finger over the band that would bound us together for life. Afterwards we laid in bed enjoying the dessert I had brought for him, chocolate and cake crumbs ending up in more places other then our mouths.

Chapter Sixty-Two

It was nearly a year before Adam found a house he felt was suitable to live in and to say I was shocked at his choice was a complete understatement. I had pretty much allowed him to pick and chose the houses we went to see, inputting my two cents from time to time. I didn’t think that we were ever going to find one he approved of because no matter how perfect they looked to me, he always seemed to found one thing or several wrong with them. He actually found what he was looking for simply by accident one night as he was scrolling through an internet listing our realtor had recommended to him. I was dozing off and on as he laid beside me with his laptop, nearly falling off of the bed at the loud outcry I heard coming from him. “I found it” He exclaimed, grabbing onto me and pulling me closer as I tittered on the edge of the bed. “It’s perfect Kris…look” He shoved the laptop at me, but all I saw was a bunch of blurred nothingness because my glasses were hidden somewhere in the mess of pillows and blankets. “Where are your glasses?” He asked, not waiting for me to answer as he began to search for them around the bed. “Laser surgery baby…look into it” He laughed giddily as he pulled them from under a pillow, placing them on my face before shoving the laptop back at me. “It’s perfect” He beamed as I looked up at him in order to make sure I was actually looking at the correct page.

“Adam, this house is in Montana” I looked back at the screen yet again to make sure I was reading it correctly.

“I know” He shrugged, going quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. “I actually stayed at that house a long time ago” He began to explain, staring at the screen before looking at me. “I went there after you chose Matt over me in that hotel room in Florida” I felt my heart drop into my stomach at the look of sadness that crossed his face, his eyes looking faraway and distant. “I was so angry and miserable and I just needed to get away. I told my assistant to find someplace away from everything and this is what she came up with. It’s practically out in the middle of nowhere, but it has the most amazing town not far from it so that it’s not too far out there. It’s amazingly beautiful and I fell in love with the place only after one day. I tried to buy it from the owner then, but he wasn’t willing to sell it. I was only checking on it on a whim, but it’s for sale and I was thinking that it’s about time we think about slowing down” He explained. I could see that he was trying to convince me, but what he didn’t know was that I was right on board with him already. Adam and I had already cut back on our commitments after we had come back from France, but the truth was that I had been thinking about retiring my music career for good and focusing solely on writing music instead.

“Are you thinking about retiring?” I asked, really kind of shocked that he seemed to be considering it because he was still as popular and amazing as he had been from the very beginning of his career.

“I’m almost fifty Kris” He cried out, looking at me as if I had lost my mind.

“In nine years” I replied, sitting up because something told me that we were in for a long night.

“Close enough” He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face as he shifted until he was facing me. “I’m been doing this music thing for a long time and I love it don’t get me wrong” He pressed his finger to my lips when I attempted to speak. “But I love you and there are so many things that I want to do with you before we get too old to do them” I couldn’t help but smile, my breath catching in my throat because I could tell that he was really ready to give up the music and the career that meant everything to him.

“I love you too and you’re not retiring” Was my response as I took his hand into my own and placed it on my lap. “You love this all too much and I would never ask you to give up something as important as your career. Besides, you fans would kill me if they felt that I had anything to do with you retiring” I laughed, because I knew how much Adam’s fans loved him and just how much my words were true.

“I love you more” He looked torn, looking at our hands and the twin rings we shared instead of looking at my face.

“I know you do and I love the idea of the house in Montana because you know I’m a country boy at heart” That got his attention as he finally looked up at me. “I’ve been actually thinking about retiring my music” I finally let him in on the one secret I had been keeping from him. “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile because lets face it, as much as I love sharing my music I never loved it as much as you do. I feel like I’ve kind of out grown the singing aspect of music and now I want to concentrate on the writing aspect”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” He asked, looking rather shocked.

“A couple of years actually” I replied truthfully, playing with the ring on his finger once again.

“You never said anything”

“I’d been going back and forth about it. The truth was that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do at first. It was just something that I would think about from time to time and then the label wanted me to start working on my next album and I finally realized that the idea of going back into the studio and thinking about touring just wasn’t appealing to me anymore. I told them I wanted to take a long break, but I think even then I knew that there wouldn’t be another album from me. The way I figure it you can continue with your music, make that next explosive Adam Lambert album and tour your ass off like you always do and I’ll be there with you every step of the way”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that Kris” He rushed out, his eyes wide and looking somewhat frightful.

“You didn’t ask me” I reminded him, clutching the hand I still held to my chest. “This is what I want Adam. We can work out all the details once we get settled into our new house, but this is really what I want” I assured, leaning forward and kissing him gently. I could tell that he still wasn’t sure about what I had told him, but I already knew that it was going to work out in the end.

We flew out to Montana the next week and for me it was love at first sight. I knew the minute that I laid eyes on the house and the land surrounding it that I was home. Clara and Watt’s were with us and I could tell that they approved by the looks on their faces, but also at the fact that Clara argued and won over who was going to get the room with the biggest closet. It was a silly argument that Adam really didn’t put much gusto behind because for Clara he would give her the world if he thought it would make her happy, and I realized as I watched them bicker that it was a first family memory in our new home and I could help but get a bit misty eyed. Several months later found Adam on a short promotional tour for his new album, while I stayed at home and finished moving us in. I had a huge surprise in store for Adam once he got home, one that I knew he was going to love.

“I’m exhausted” Adam whined as he trudged into the bedroom, looking longingly at the bed his first day back from touring. “All I want to do it lie down and take a nap with you and then I am going to fuck you through the mattress” He winked at me, attempting to sit on the bed, but I was too excited to wait to share my surprise with him. “Kris…” He whined even louder as I grabbed his hand and jerked him out of our bedroom. “Kris…baby…you know I love you but really whatever it is can’t it wait until later, like tomorrow later?”

“I’ve kept this secret for the last two months” I ignored the whine, still jerking him forward because he was really fighting me on the walking thing. “Trust me you are going to love it and me once you see it”

“I already love you” He sighed, giving in because like Clara, when it came to me he could never deny me anything and I knew it.

“I love you too” I replied with a huge smile on my face as we stood before a closed bedroom door. “I love you so much” I repeated, curling up onto my toes and kissing him softly. “I’m so happy that you’re back”

“Yeah yeah…” He rushed out with playful impatience and I could tell he was starting to get excited about his surprise. “You dragged me over here now show me” He teased, patting me on the ass and I couldn’t help but giggle because I knew he thought it was something sexually related, but it wasn’t. “Oh my god…” He cried out in surprise as I opened the door and pushed him inside. “Oh my god…” He cried out again, his head jerking back and forth as he tried to take in everything around him. “Oh my god Kris…oh my god” He continued, walking deeper into the room. “You…this…for me” He stammered, but I knew what he was saying as he continued to survey the spare bedroom I had turned into his own personal walk in closet. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face because it really was amazing to look at, the walls lined with beautiful wooden closets with enough space for all of his clothing, shoes, accessories and then some. I had also installed a vanity for all his make up and facial products as well as a stereo and flat screen TV. I had also brought in some beautiful furniture for him to relax on, but for me to enjoy as well because I really did get a kick out of watching Adam get all dressed up and glamorous. The room was bright and airy and gave off such a good vibe that I couldn’t help but fall in love with it myself, despite the fact that all my clothes fit in one small closet in the master bedroom.

“Do you like it?” I asked, grinning like a loon because I knew Adam loved it. I didn’t get a verbal response, but I knew I had been right when he literally hefted me off of the ground, tossed me on a nearby lounger and proceeded to fuck me like a crazed person. “I’ll take that as a yes” I said much later, he and I curled up on the floor after falling off of the chaise in our haste.

“It’s the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen” He responded with a beaming smile. “I can’t believe that you did this for me”

“Well I did it for me too” I said as I rolled onto my side, holding my head up with my hand. “I get such a kick watching you get all dolled up. It’s a real turn on you know” I supplied when he gave me a look of confusion. “Huge turn on” I moaned when I felt Adam’s hand on my dick. I still don’t know where either of us found the energy as we gave into our lusted cravings once again and christened the room yet again.

Chapter Sixty-Three

He and I shared a happy and beautiful life in that house, quickly falling into a pattern after that very first promo tour. When Adam was on tour, I was on tour with him. No one could believe that he could be so close together for so many hours of the day and not get sick of each other, but in all honesty we never did. Adam wasn’t only my lover and partner, but he was also my best friend and I cherished every moment that we spent together. Occasionally we were forced to be apart, like when I had something related to my song writing to do, but there was always constant communication because we truly could not stand to be apart from each other for very long.

During this time we watched as Clara continued with her studies, graduating at the top of her class before deciding to become a lawyer and out and proud gay rights activist. I was still worried that she was doing too much, but I kept those thoughts to myself because she had Watt’s to keep her in line. Adam and I were there the night that Watt’s proposed marriage to our daughter, he slipping into the role of father without us even realizing it right away and giving them both his blessing before I could even speak a word. Several months later we flew them out to Hawaii where Adam and I were vacationing, standing proudly beside them when they decided to tie the knot while there. It was a very emotional day for all of us, but so joyous at the same time as I tried to figure out when my baby had grown into such a well adjusted and happy adult. Adam and I had discussed getting married as well while we were there, but both of us quickly realized that although we loved each other very much that it just didn’t seem to be the right time. Instead we reveled in their day, sending them both on an all expense paid trip across Europe when Clara was able to get some time off.

Five years later the two of us were there as they welcomed Cassandra Michelle into the loving fold of our family. It had been quite a shock to learn that we had a little girl that early morning when we were all waiting for the arrival of Cassidy Mitchell. She was beautiful and amazing and as much as I couldn’t get over the fact that we were grandparents, I fell in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her. Two years later we welcome another addition to our family as Clara gave birth to a handsome baby boy named Daniel Kristopher. I cried like a baby when she announced she had named him after the brother I had lost so many years before hand.

We watched as Clara moved her way up through her firm becoming one of the youngest associates to make partner. She also became one of the most sought after lawyers in the state, not only for her stance on gay rights but also for taking on cases of injustice that most lawyers wouldn’t even consider taking on. We all supported her whole heartedly when she made the decision to run for Mayor of her town, winning by a landslide I’d like to thank in huge part to the constant campaigning we all did as a family. The next step was running for Governor, which again we took to the streets campaigning like mad until she had been elected to that position in another landslide as well. Adam and I couldn’t have been prouder of her, but it never seemed to be enough until she had worked her way into the senate with a determination to create change. We already knew what the next step was, but it was several years before she made the announcement that she was going to run for President of the United States. It all seemed surreal as the family that loved and supported her took to the streets yet again with a determination to continue the journey destiny had started from the moment she was born.

I had decided to go into full retirement several years back when it seemed that no matter what I wrote it was never good enough for the new blood that had taken over my label. I was tired of the criticism and hard remarks, but the kicker was when a twenty something told me that my kind of music was old fashioned and I put him in the hospital with a broken nose and several missing teeth. In truth I really only decided it was time to retire when my label decided it was time to part ways and as angry as I was at the time, it was actually a blessing in disguise. Adam went into semi-retirement after that, only doing small shows and making an appearance now and again. I fought him tooth and nail about it because I felt he was really only doing it because of what happened to me, but he assured me over and over again that it was what he wanted to do and so I had no other choice but to believe him. We decided to purchase a second house close to Clara and the family because as much as we loved our home in Montana, we wanted to be able to share in the lives of our children and grandchildren. It also gave us the ability to support our daughter in her quest to be President, not only because we knew it was destiny, but because we knew that she was the right person for the job.

The campaign that time was brutal and ugly and many times along the way Clara considered backing out of the race because she was worried about how it would affect her family. Almost daily there would be threats made not only on her life, but her kids as well. She was constantly dragged through the mud by her opponents on every forum she appeared on, never touching on anything else other then the fact that she was openly gay and in a same sex marriage. No matter how hard she tried it was always her sexual preference they wanted to discuss and not the other major issues plaguing our country. It was frustrating and it was hard to keep my comments to myself whenever an attack was thrown at her, but because of my daughter I was able to keep myself together and avoid the confrontation I was desperately wanted. Adam on the other hand refused to keep quiet whenever some idiotic reporter asked him something shady or made comments about Clara and his fans and Clara seemed to love him for it. I couldn’t help but be a little jealous that I had been told to keep my comments to myself, but I also knew that where Adam could cut you down with mere words, I always seemed to resort to physical violence. As a joke one night in bed Adam told me that I had big dog syndrome and for some reason it continued to be a running joke for many years afterwards. He pegged me with the name Chi-Chi the Chihuahua and it wasn’t long before my daughter was calling me ‘Daddy Chi-Chi’ and my grandkids ‘Grandpa Chi-Chi’. I didn’t find it very funny, which of course Adam found hilarious and I pretty much accepted it to be my fate after awhile because they didn’t seem to want to give it up. However, when the news somehow leaked to the press about it I didn’t speak to any of my family for nearly a week, because they found it to be quite funny and entertaining where I found it to be anything but.

"Do we really have to do this?" I whined a little bit as Adam and I sat in a rented limo waiting for our turn to step out onto the red carpet during an MTV awards show. Adam had been asked to present an award and I was just along as his date and arm candy as he had liked to tease me. "You know I don't do well with these young MTV idiots"

"Take a deep breath Chi-Chi, it will be over before you know it" He teased, kissing me quickly before I had a chance to give him a piece of my mind. "Just let me do all the talking. If you're good then I'll give you a nice treat later"

"Mmm...what kind of treat" I purred, curling into my lover, slinking my leg over his thigh and kissing him dirtily.

"Be good and find out" He laughed, kissing me again before we heard the knock on the window. "Here we go" He laughed again at my groan, taking my hand and helping me out of the limo. The flashes started the moment Adam peeked his head out, causing me to wish I had brought my sun glasses because as always it was nearly blinding.

As expected I was annoyed as we made our way down the red carpet, but I just kept my mouth shut and continued to clutch Adam's hand. I had always had a love, hate relationship with the reporters, but the reporters for MTV seemed to always annoy me the most. The last time I had been interviewed by one of them, it almost turned into a bloody brawl when the young and stupid reporter started asking me questions about an affair with Adam while I was with Cassidy. The truth was that if Cassidy hadn't been there then I would have probably ended up in jail, because he kept grinning at me the entire time like he knew I was lying. "Stop fidgeting" I heard Adam whisper, squeezing my hand as I drew my attention towards him. "The light at the end of the tunnel" He grinned down at me, nodding towards the door leading into the building.

"Thank fucking god" I felt myself relax, only to become taunt once again as the reporter I'd almost gone to jail for stood in front of me.

"Kris Allen" He cried out loudly, causing me to bristle at the sight of him. "We're here on the red carpet with Kris Allen and Adam Lambert" He grinned into the camera in front of him. "So Kris...it’s been awhile since the last time I interviewed you"

"Not long enough" I murmured under my breath, putting the fakest smile I could muster on my face as Adam squeezed my hand in warning. "It has. How many years has it been?

“I’m not sure, but the last time I interviewed you it got almost violent” He grinned at the camera again before turning his eyes to me and as much as I wanted to punch him in the face yet again, I kept my fake smile in place and stared him right in the eyes.

“Yeah…well let’s hope that each of us has matured since then” I shot back.

“So as the world already knows you daughter is running for President of the United States” He began and already I felt my guard go up because I knew it wasn’t going to be just a simple interview.

“Yes…we couldn’t be prouder of her” Adam spoke up, squeezing my hand in support because I knew he could feel how stiff my grip had gone on his hand.

“One of her main issues that she is taking on is the stance on gay marriage. What is your take on gay marriage in this country?” He turned the mic to me, ignoring Adam when he started to speak.

“I think that people should be allowed to marry whom they want to marry. It shouldn’t matter if they are gay or straight. Love is love and that right should be afforded to everyone”

“You and Adam have been in a committed relationship for many years now and you support your daughter’s stance on gay marriage and yet the two of you have not married yet. Why is that?” He had that smug look on his face again, one that was baiting me and as much as I wanted to lose control and let him bait me, I did the opposite.

“Adam and I are in a committed relationship and we love each other very much and there is no doubt that we don’t stand behind our daughter one hundred percent in her stance on gay marriage” I began, holding up our joined hands so the camera could see the matching rings our on fingers. “However, Adam and I thought about getting married several years back but we didn’t think that it was fair that we could marry in one state, but not in our own home state of California. When Clara becomes President that’s going to change because everyone will be allowed to marry in their home states or whatever state they want to and when that happens is when Adam and I will finally get married. It was so nice to see you again” I smiled at the stumped reporter, tugging Adam along as we walked away from him.

“Did you mean that?” He asked, stopping me before we reached the door.

“I meant ever word Adam. You know I want to marry you and when our daughter makes it legal for everyone that’s just what I’m going to do” I meant those words as I leaned up and kissed him, both of us laughing and blushing at the round of applause and screams we heard surrounding us as well as the frantic flashing of cameras. “Jesus…will they ever get sick of their Kradam?” I laughed against his chest, beaming up at the man that I loved and couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with.

“Let’s hope not” He winked at me, kissing me again before taking my hand and taking the lead once again as we walked inside.

We campaigned long and hard for Clara and as destiny had predicted so many years before she was even born she was inaugurated as the President of the United States. It was the proudest day of our lives as Adam and I watched our daughter take her oath with her wife and children standing at her side. It had been a long and grueling battle to get her to the top, but it was all worth it as she became not only the first woman president but also the first lesbian president as well as the youngest every elected into office. It was a momentous time in history for our country because I knew our daughter was up to the task of taking care of the country that we all loved and making the changes that were needed as well.

After that Adam and I moved back to Montana, he going into full retirement from the music industry so we could enjoy our remaining years together. We were married exactly one year after our daughter had become President, that same day the law that made gay marriage in all fifty states legal. We decided to get married in California, the state that we had meet for the first time in and fallen in love with. It was a gloriously beautiful day as we stood before the preacher, holding hands and with tears in our eyes, while our friends and family looked on. We exchanged vows we had written ourselves, removing the rings we had been wearing as a symbol of our love long enough to have them blessed by the holy man before we placed them back where they belonged. I cried silent tears as I watched the man that I loved, the man who I had been through hell and back with recite words that I knew came straight from his heart. He cried as well as I tried to explain in mere words just how much I loved him and how I couldn’t ever live another day with out him. Our first kiss as husband and husband was as magical as all of the millions of kisses we had shared during our time together, but with a promise of so much more. Afterwards we danced and mingled with our guests, partying deep into the morning hours before exhaustion forced us to leave. Adam and I made sweet and glorious love to each other in our honeymoon sweet, falling asleep in each others arms afterwards. A week later we were on the trip of our lifetime, traveling from city to city all over Europe with no true destination in place and an open ended time limit. We didn’t know how long we were going to be gone and the truth of the matter was that we didn’t care. We had lived by the rules of life and the music industry for too many years and now it was time to live for ourselves and do the things that we had always wanted to do. It was a fun, discovering and glorious adventure and one whose stories will be told during another time and place.

The End…