(Man) Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

Amen.

(Mum) Amen.

Thanks, Effy, but you know this is the best birthday present I could have.

A nice family meal.

A chance to have a bit of quality time.

Ah, isn't that lovely? Ha, you know, this reminds me of when I was a boy and my Auntie Mabel, when she was carving the chicken, she always used to wear these loose-fitting tops Yes, I think we've all heard this one, haven't we? It's a joke, Anthea, an anecdote.

And my dad, your grandfather, God rest his soul, "What would you like, David?" She used to say, and he'd look right down her front and say, "I'd like breast, please, and then maybe a bit of leg and stuffing.

" LAUGHS AWKWARDLY I mean, he'd basically growl at her.

You see, that's a difficult dad.

No-one thinks you're difficult, Jim.

Ha! And then Mabel would get to me.

Ah, what could I ask for? I scoured my brain and came up with, "Thigh, please, Mabel.

" I basically asked for the only thing I could think of that was non-sexual.

Thigh! - Thighs can be sexy.

That's not true.

You'd be surprised, you can do a lot with thighs, Dad.

No, you can't.

CARVING KNIFE WHIRS Look, I'm sorry.

What is so sexy about thighs? I mean, what on earth can you do with a thigh? Please not Not in front of Effy, Jim.

All right.

What would everyone like? A bit of thigh, please, Dad.

No! Not yet! Did I say do it yet? No, look, Jim! Effy's rolled a five.

Oh, yes, well, er, right, well, jolly good.

All right, we'll treat that as your go, Effy.

Er, so you got a five Oh, God, I can't understand these rules.

They've translated them from Korean.

SIGHS HEAVILY Jim, maybe we shouldn't play a game.

Fine.

Fucking fine.

Fucking, fucking fine.

So what shall we do, then? Just sit, shall we? Yes, we can just sit, yeah, and I'll see if I can find some nice biscuits, OK? Oh, I hate it when your mother's like this.

(On TV) - Help me! - What's wrong? Any luck with it? Never mind.

Good night, love.

Night, sweetheart.

(On TV) There's nothing there.

What's wrong? RINGING TONE (Chris) 'Tony.

You all right, man? How's it going? ' What's everyone doing tonight? 'Um, well, there's a few people coming round to mine.

'But it's a homework thing, really.

' Is Michelle coming? 'Yeah.

Yeah, but it's for a class that you're not in 'Um 'Er biology 'You're not in it.

' It's fine, Chris.

I'm not invited, right? 'I just I don't think you'd enjoy it, really.

You know? ' Yeah.

I know.

(Sid) 'I'm asleep or just too bored to speak to you, so leave a message.

' Is this now officially silent treatment you're giving me? Michelle broke up with me, remember? Still, if you think this is gonna piss me off, then you're wrong.

I actually quite like it.

I'm just gonna keep on filling up your voicemail with all sorts of shit (Jim) I'm never neurotic.

Dads always check up on their baby girls, that's what we do.

Look, she's asleep.

Come on, let's go to bed.

Bed? But it's early.

Panorama.

I don't think that I've given you my birthday present yet.

Auntie Mabel? - Mmm.

Actually, she was a neighbour, not a real blood relative.

I know exactly what she was.

I'll fetch the turkey baster and you wash your bits.

(Maxxie) 'I dunno.

I'm probably not even going.

'You're breaking up, Tony.

' FAKES INTERFERENCE (Jal) 'She doesn't want to see you, Tony.

Leave us alone.

' (Girl) I wasn't sure what to wear.

Can you believe I borrowed this top from my mum? Though Davey, when I wore my mum's fishnets to the school disco thing, said that was well rough cos women used to wear fishnets without knickers at orgies or whatever, so, like, my mum would have got stuff on it.

Davey calls it lady juice.

Can you believe he called it lady juice? And he says by wearing the tights, her stuff would have rubbed off on me.

Though I wore knickers, and I don't think my mum went to many orgies.

I mean, she grew up in Luton.

I don't think many orgies happen in Luton.

Don't! He's gross! I'm a bit scared.

Are you scared, Effy? I keep tasting sick in my mouth.

I think it's cos I'm excited and nervous.

Do you ever get that? Tasting sick in your mouth, like you've got hiccups but you haven't.

Do you ever get that, Effy? Do you? Did I tell you about Davey trying to finger me? Effy! You came! I mean, cool, I mean I wasn't sure you would.

Hi.

It's my last day and they're fucking wankers to work for.

So you know, break, take, steal Anarchy and all that.

Mad.

So this is it? Really? Oh, this is Spencer.

A mate of mine.

Hi, I'm Julie and this is Effy.

Do people call you Spence? No.

They don't.

I've heard a lot about you, Effy.

Not all of it good.

You heard anything about me? Wanna ride? Shall I get on too? We're here together! - Big Issue! - Bit late for you, isn't it, Kenny? Last week's edition.

Drunks are usually too generous to notice.

Who you out with? On my own tonight.

Listen, you don't fancy a beer? Sorry, beer's not really my drink.

Now, once you've tasted a Pinot Grigio, hops just lose their allure.

Right, OK.

Do you want a hand selling? Where's all your mates, then, Tone? Fallen on hard times, have you? Something like that.

Well, no offence, but the sooner I get these sold, the sooner I can get home to the missus for cocoa and cuddles.

And I'm not going to get much sold standing next to a posh lad, am I? Right.

OK.

No worries.

See you later.

Ta-ta.

Big Issue, fella? SIREN WAILS (Spencer) It's the fucking cops! Do you think they'll give us a joint cell? MOBILE RINGS Hello.

'This is Police Sergeant Bill Hughes.

'Am I speaking to Tony Stonem? ' What? Clifton Branch police station.

Marjorie Watts.

How may I help you? - Um - Sorry, I rushed it.

I'll go again.

Clifton Branch police station.

Marjorie Watts.

How can I help you? Hi, Marjorie.

I'm here to pick up Elizabeth Stonem.

She's been arrested.

Okey-dokey.

I'll check that for you.

Just missed her.

Her brother's picked her up already.

I'm her brother.

Her other brother.

I'm her only brother.

OK, her boyfriend pretending to be her brother's picked her up already.

She just left with a fat lad.

Ladies, your carriage awaits.

Come on, chop-chop.

Effy! Eff ENGINE STARTS That was fun.

Unexpected, but fun.

So fucking hard to keep a straight face.

You did well for a fat fuck.

You're so lucky, Effy.

I can't believe it.

Remember when I tried to get arrested for kissing that police officer? Normally I would have been with her.

We're always getting into trouble together at school.

Tell them Does she ever stop? Anyone want some? What is it? (Julie) We're known as the cheeky girls.

Not that we're Romanian or, you know, show off our pants! (Spencer) 'Hi, this is Effy's phone.

She's currently cruising 'at 35,000 feet and there's definitely turbulence ahead.

' What? It's, uh Tony.

Effy? What's going on? SIRENS WAIL Look, oi! Can we get some concentration here, please? I know it seems hard, right, but think about it.

This - this could lead to, you know, celebrity.

A place in the Guinness Book Of Records is hardly celebrity.

But it is! Right, I fucking love that book! Will you stop eating the tools? It's not my fault you decided to go for sugar cube pyramids.

Oh, hi.

What's this - some kind of retro LSD thing? Oh, no.

It's kinda that homework thing I was telling you about The, er biology.

Hi, Michelle.

Hello, Tony.

Look, don't worry, I'm not gonna stay.

I just needed Sid for a minute.

I'm busy.

Yeah, I can see that, Sid.

Go on.

Let's have a go, then.

Ah Ah Fucking hell, guys, you know how to have a good time, don't you? I don't want this to be difficult.

If you want to stay, you can stay.

No, it's fine.

You made the divorce terms clear and I intend to stick to them.

Please don't be a bastard.

Look, don't get so upset about it, OK? I'm sorry I spoilt your beautiful evening.

I'll go.

Sid? Well, go on, then.

Go see what he wants.

Don't feel you have to, Sid.

I'm gonna go.

But only to tell him to leave, right? You should leave, Tony.

No-one wants you here.

Shit! You OK? I tried ringing, but you haven't answered your phone all week.

Did you get beaten up? - Effy's missing.

We need to look for her.

Effy? Is this another one of your games? Yeah, Sid, it's a game.

'Hi, this is Effy's phone.

She's currently cruising 'at 35,000 feet and there's definitely turbulence ahead.

' This sounds a bit weird, Tony.

It's fine.

We'll nick your dad's car, drive around a bit, spot her, take her home, we can go for a pint.

Shit! What? It's Cassie.

She was there.

So where's she gone? Flown off on her broomstick? She's still in the loony bin.

No, she was there.

Maybe she's haunting you, cos she tried to kill herself because of you.

Hang on.

You want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead? Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, a sophisticated alarm system and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good.

Whereas your dad has a 20-year-old car, Neighbourhood Watch and won't prosecute.

LAUGHTER I bet you ten quid I know who you're thinking about.

There's times I think me and Tony are gonna get back together.

And just like that, I'm ten quid richer.

There's a sort of thing, though, isn't there? First loves? You think Tony loves you? No, I don't.

Sorry, that sounded far less harsh in my head.

Don't worry about it.

Michelle.

Wait up.

Listen, I'm off to a late-nighter at the sports club.

Fancy coming? A quick drink? - Can you not take a hint? - Come on.

You must have worked out by now that I didn't do it.

You had porno pictures of your sister on your phone.

How fucked up are you? - Someone set me up! - Yeah, right, Josh.

Look, the party'll be a laugh.

Michelle! Please! Fuck it.

Go.

Good decision.

Fucked-up is an understatement.

He's got nice wheels, though for a nutter.

Shut up! - (Spencer) Home! - (Kevin) This place is fucking brilliant.

(Julie) It's like Wonkaland.

(Spencer) This is where the rich kids come to die.

Welcome to my world.

I feel a bit rough! Kevin, I think you should take Julie to the bathroom.

Come on.

Let's get you cleaned up.

Finally, we're alone.

Not quite.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck! I wondered when you were going to turn up.

Hello, Effy.

I'm Jesus Christ.

Anything? Nothing.

Bollocks! You know, she may be having a bit of fun, a joke at your expense.

That's not her style.

No, I know Effy.

She's cleverer than this.

In fact, she's the cleverest fucking person I know.

I don't know anyone like her.

(Sid) Cass? Look, I'm worried about her.

I just Even if we're looking in the same places twice - Cassie, she was - Please, Sid? OK.

MOBILE RINGS - Effy? - (Josh) 'Hey, Tone.

'You've gotta come to this party down at Cumberland Basin.

'We're flying the virgin highway.

' - Who is this? - 'Effy says hi.

' What? Put Effy on the phone! Hello? Fuck! Come on, Sid.

Looks a bit spooky.

You're not still afraid of the dark? You still sleep with that night light on, don't you? It's not a night light.

It's a glow-in-the-dark Batman.

It's retro.

Effy! Effy! Effy! Effy! Effy! Eff y! No, I don't think she's here.

Doesn't look like much of a party, does it? - No.

Effy! Effy! Only if you want some.

Course she fucking wants it.

There we go.

Dr Stock's marvellous medicine.

Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know? Come out of my mum the wrong way.

I hear words go past me backwards.

The people I should love I hate.

And the people I hate Ow! Fuck! All the help I've ever given you, and you've been fucking useless tonight.

I've been good.

You've been useless.

You're always fucking useless.

Take Michelle.

I worked fucking hard to create a shagging opportunity for you.

Then you went pussy.

No Instead, she ends up with this Josh, a complete fucking knob, who I have to sort, so that's your fault, too.

Sort? What did you do? Put naked pictures of Abigail on his phone.

Made sure Michelle could see them.

Made sure everyone could see them.

It was quite funny.

Funny? That's sick.

His sister.

Why did you do that? You know what, Tony? Sometimes I don't know why we're friends any more.

It's weird, isn't it? I'm from Mars, you're from Venus.

I do things, you worry about them.

I sleep with girls, you persuade them to attempt suicide.

Don't.

Are you bunching your fists at me, Sid? If you wanna hit me, go right ahead.

Ow! I said a punch, not a bitch slap! I can't believe you slapped me! That's hilarious! Sid, you'd better not be crying.

I'm not crying cos you punched me.

You're crying for the kids in Africa? You know I used to so look up to you, don't you? Of course I did! You were at home every night wanking your brains out.

"Someday I'll be like Tony.

"Someday I'll be like Tony.

" And now I can think of nothing worse than being you! You've always been selfish, I always understood that.

You did things because you wanted something - fine.

Makes sense.

But now, now you do things because you can! You fuck with people and I don't get why.

You've got no friends, no girlfriend, only your parents left.

Not even Effy is answering your calls.

You're right, she is clever.

Every time you talk, Sid, little flecks of spit are coming out of your mouth and they're going on my face.

Sid? Sid! Don't be a little girl.

What? Ef? ECHOEY LAUGHTER Who the fuck is doing this?! Sid.

Sid! How the hell am I going to get out of here? You're one of them, aren't you? RINGING TONE 'Hi, this is Cass.

'Don't bother leaving a message because I'm not listening.

' I know you're there, Cassie.

I mean, I think I know you're there.

I mean, I want you to be there.

I'm at Rocatillo's.

I want to speak to you, and I think you want to speak to me.

MOBILE RINGS I didn't have to answer, Tony.

I'm grateful that you did.

'OK.

' - OK.

'So how come you called me? ' I dunno.

I'll tell you why you rang.

It's because you miss me.

It's because I'm the only person you can really talk to.

Yeah, Michelle.

That's right, this is all about you.

'Well, isn't it? ' Not tonight.

No.

Are you OK, Tony? No.

What's the matter? 'Effy's missing.

Sid's meant to help me find her but he's fucked off.

'Now I'm at some posh wanker night at the Ston Eaton sports club 'and I don't know what to do.

' This is the weirdest fucking night of my life.

What do you want me to do, Tony? 'Nothing.

'I gotta go.

' You know it's, like, two in the morning, don't you? You're the one that's been following me round all night.

You've got a black eye growing, did you know that? - Tony punched me.

Wow! Really? That's excellent.

Is it? We did a course on it at the centre - separation anxiety.

He's worried he's losing you.

Well, I just did leave him.

I mean, literally.

And then I I wanted to see you.

Do you want to kiss me, Sid? OK.

So this is where you lean in.

Cool.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm usually better than that.

It's No, it was lovely.

No, my rhythm was out and my teeth, they kept getting in the way.

Could I try again? Only if you don't ask.

MOBILE RINGS Who is it? Um, kind of weirdly, Michelle.

Answer it.

Sid? I'm worried about Tony.

'Tony? Don't worry about him.

' I just spoke to him.

He sounded strange, in a real mess.

Michelle, can I ring you back? He's at some Ston Eaton sports place.

Where? - 'Ston Eaton.

Something weird's going on.

' I'm in the middle of something.

'You know the sports club? ' The place Josh and his mates hang out.

Please, Sid.

Just check he's OK? Josh? 'Yeah.

' OK.

I'm leaving now.

It's Tony.

He's in trouble.

Tony.

Oh.

I'm really sorry.

I've got to go.

Do you? Kiss me again.

No, Sid.

I won't.

Effy? Effy? Wahey! - OK, I'll see your 50 and I'll raise you - Raise or fold, man.

Don't waste my time.

I'll see you.

(Josh) Tony.

Hi.

Fancy some poker? Five-card stud.

I'm looking for my sister.

Oh.

She's over there.

Effy.

Shit.

Effy! Hello Effy, Effy.

What happened?! Effy, Effy.

What happened? Someone call an ambulance.

Effy.

Oh, fuck! Hello? Yeah? My sis Ambulance.

'How can I help? ' - My sister's overdosed, I think.

'Can you tell me where you are? ' Where are we? Where the fuck? Oi, where are we? I'll give them directions.

What the fuck are you doing? OK, let's make a deal.

We'll call an ambulance as soon as you fuck your sister.

Three from the top, please, mate.

You're joking! Well, factually it's true.

So, um no, not a joke.

More a funny fact.

Get out of my fucking way! Don't worry, it's not her first time.

You won't be taking her virginity.

Right, Spence? She's my sister, you sick fuck! You put porno pictures of my sister on my phone and I make you fuck your sister! Is this about Michelle? You really think Michelle is worth this? I'm so sorry I can't get one up, I can't I keep going soft! Please.

Whatever I did, I'm sorry.

I promise, I'll get you back with Michelle.

I'll do anything, I promise! Effy.

(Spencer) Josh, mate.

Josh.

(Josh) Shut the fuck up, Spence.

I want you to fuck her.

No, you can't mean that! - Do you want me to play with it a bit? - I can't.

Help you out? - I really can't.

Then you're a shit brother.

She's dying over there, Tony! - I promise You'd better get hard! Please Please Beg me.

I beg you.

I beg you, I beg you Please (Josh) Well, you only needed to ask.

Here endeth the lesson.

(Sid) Tony? What's happened? What the fuck's happened to her? It's all my fault.

OK.

It's OK.

Let's just get her to a hospital, OK? I don't know why I couldn't feel before Faith in a world I can't believe in any more I'm tired of being here I'm tired of being wrong The universe keeps turning Where do I belong? You don't remember me But I remember you I lie awake, trying not to think of you The way I let you down The way I did you wrong The universe keeps turning Where do I belong? (Jim) Do you think she can hear us? (Anthea) I don't know, darling.

(Jim) Effy, love? Her hands are cold.

(Anthea) Well, maybe best let her sleep.

She can hear you, Dad.

That's enough from you.

Doctor Sorry, is she? Oh.

It's all looking fine.

It's good, yes.

I'd go as far as great.

These kids are remarkably resilient creatures, you know? It's all gone, and whatever hasn't will be out in a few days.

One way or the other.

She took some very clean, pure pharmaceuticals.

Right, OK.

I'll leave you be.

So I suppose we should congratulate you for getting her clean drugs.

You think this was me? She was with you! I wasn't, I was Don't deny it! Tony, she's your little sister! I know.

I know.

But, listen for a second No.

I've had enough of listening to you.

We all have! You and your horrid little ways, always at other people's expense.

Hang on.

That's enough.

What? He loves Effy.

Don't you think this is hard enough? And who the fuck are you? I'm his best friend! And I'm his fucking father! I know what you are.

Come on, Tony.

We're going.

I wanna stay with Effy.

Come on, mate.

Ah! Fuck! Thank you, Sid.

It's OK.

They're free.

No, I mean really, thank you.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Tony.

She's gonna be OK.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

OK.

Thing is I know I can be a wanker sometimes but everyone likes that, don't they? Ball-busting, turning heads wherever I go.

People like that.

And I like people liking that.

We don't have to do this now.

But then I start to feel distorted because because I'm more than that.

I don't wanna be a wanker.

I don't, Sid.

Effy knows that.

She loves me for who I really am.

God, I sound like fucking Lionel Richie.

I quite like Lionel Richie.

All I know is, when I was scared tonight, and I was a bit a lot I wanted you there.

Effy's different.

I sort of own her cos she's my sister, but with you I just really wanted you there.

And then you were in the car.

The thing is, Tony, you sort of own me, too.

Mostly in a good way.

Come on, I'm taking you for breakfast.

You do know it's 4am, don't you? Yeah, I know.

Do you reckon we'll find us anywhere that'll do us a curry? I've got a real craving for curry.