[Roundview College.]

EMILY: Katie Fitch, History as exam.

DOUG: Good to see you back, Katie. History at the back there.

JJ: Hi, Katie, I...

EMILY: Hi.

DOUG: Ok, kids, you can turn over your papers, and no funny business. Let's get ready to rumble!

[Fitch's House.]

MRS FITCH: Katie? Katie? Can I come in? How about some sun, eh?

KATIE: Don't.

MRS FITCH: I think so. Come and do PlayStation with James. I could fix your hair.

KATIE: What difference would it make? Still look awful.

MRS FITCH: Oh, no. Marks don't last. They cover up. I rang college today about your history exam.

KATIE: Why? I told you not to!

MRS FITCH: It's important! They said you can sit it later. When you're yourself.

KATIE: I'm rubbish at history anyway. Rubbish at everything. Not like Emily.

MRS FITCH: Oh, hush! I hope they lock that Stonem girl up when they find her.

[Roundview College.]

NAOMI: Nice job.

EMILY: Stop it! Don't. It took fucking ages!

NAOMI: Yeah, well. Wish I had someone to pass my exams for me.

EMILY:Yeah.

NAOMI: I hope you're gonna finish the job and dump Freddie for her as well.

EMILY: Oh, that's over. Katie knows it.

NAOMI: Yeah. It was an eventful barbecue. Adultery makes a party go with such a swing!

EMILY: It's not funny. Effy hurt her.

NAOMI: Like I said, it was eventful. You should dress up more often.

EMILY: They're Katie's.

NAOMI: Yeah? You look nice. From the neck down.

EMILY: Naomi...

NAOMI: I think I'm going away for the summer.

EMILY: Oh.

NAOMI: Spain, Cyprus perhaps. By myself. Spend some time by myself, you know? Do some thinking. By... myself.

EMILY: About what?

NAOMI: Let's just be friends, OK?

EMILY: We say that, don't we?

NAOMI: Yeah. Have a good summer.

EMILY: I'll miss you.

NAOMI: I can't stand it. I can't.

EMILY: It's ok. Jesus.

NAOMI: Christ. Let's get out of here.

FREDDIE: Katie? I... thought you were Katie. Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, girl.

[Fitch's House.]

JAMES: That's secret!

KATIE: Fuck off, worm.

JAMES: Dinner's ready, bitch!

KATIE: Excuse me?

JAMES: Gordon Macpherson says "bitch" all the time. Now I say it too.

KATIE: You don't say it to me, ok?

JAMES: Ok, sorry.

KATIE: What's in the box, James? I know you know the combination.

JAMES: I don't, Emily changed it after I...

KATIE: After you what?

JAMES: Nothing.

KATIE: What's in the box, James?

JAMES: It's a secret. Oh!

KATIE: I'm waiting.

JAMES: Ok, ok. Fannies! It's full of fannies!

[Naomi's bedroom.]

EMILY: You ok?

NAOMI: Yeah.

EMILY: What about your mum?

NAOMI: This is my room. No-one's allowed in here.

EMILY: I wish I had a room like that. Katie and me, we're always together. Everything together. Eating, sleeping... until we were nine we used to take a dump at the same time.

NAOMI: Jesus!

EMILY: Yeah. No secrets, there's no point.

NAOMI: And what about this one?

EMILY: Naomi... I want to tell people.

NAOMI: That you're gay?

EMILY: I want to tell people about us. Come to the college ball with me. Like we're... together.

NAOMI: I don't want to do that.

EMILY: Why not?

NAOMI: Em, it's nobody's business.

EMILY: Why? Who cares what other people...

NAOMI: Emily. I'm not like you. I'm not sure, like you are.

EMILY: What aren't you sure of?

NAOMI: Can't things ever be complicated?

EMILY: Fine. You like boys too?

NAOMI: Maybe. Maybe I only like boys, apart from you.

EMILY: Well, that's fucking great! You're so in touch with yourself, aren't you? Come to the ball with me.

NAOMI: Don't do that.

EMILY: No. You don't do that. I'm not your fucking experiment! Where are my fucking...? Oh, my fucking shoes! Oh, fuck it! Keep them. I'm tired. So sick and tired of it. Still holding hands through a cat flap, aren't we? Have fun in Cyprus.

[On the street.]

THOMAS: Hi, Emily. Where are your shoes?

EMILY: They... Hello. I couldn't find them.

THOMAS: Well, you can wear mine.

EMILY: No, you don't need to.

THOMAS: It's ok. I don't mind bare feet. It's easier to run. Here. Let me give you a jacket.

EMILY: No, really, Thomas...

THOMAS: It's fine. I have three coats. See? Now, all fixed up, yes?

EMILY: What do you do if someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over?

THOMAS: You must try to stop loving them.

EMILY: Is that possible?

THOMAS: No. I don't think so.

EMILY: I'm gay, Thomas.

THOMAS: It's fine. Shall we call a taxi? I don't think this bus is going to come soon. Besides, my feet are extremely cold.

[Fitch's House.]

MR FITCH: It's pathetic. This guy can hardly do ten reps on a bench press without retching like a baby. Eventually I had to say to him, "Ken, if you puke one more time in my gym it won't be your heart you'll have to worry about cos I'll kill you meself!"

MRS FITCH: That's great, Rob. I'm sure he'll appreciate it...eventually

MR FITCH: Too right. No pain, no drain, no gain, yeah? Yeah?

MRS FITCH: I'm sure that's right.

MR FITCH: You don't get your gluts and your pecs taut without reps, reps, reps. I'm always saying that.

MRS FITCH: Yes, you are.

MR FITCH: Wow. Great soup. What is it?

MRS FITCH: Artichoke and beetroot.

MR FITCH: Babe, you're the best. You feed us like champions. It won't make you fit, it'll make you what, Katiekins?

KATIE: Fitch.

MR FITCH: Yes! Don't get fit, get Fitch, right?

JAMES: I want fish and chips. This tastes like bollocky wankshite.

MRS FITCH: James!

JAMES: What? They say bollocky wankshite all the time at Gordon Macpherson's house. Mrs Macpherson says as long as swearing is used in context, it's fucking A.

MRS FITCH: Rob!

MR FITCH: That's ten reps on the naughty bar.

JAMES: Why, why, why?!

MR FITCH: We're not Macpherson, we're Fitch. Do it. Go! Go, go!

JAMES: It's just not fair.

MR FITCH: And proper extension, boy. One... Two... Three... Come on, kid. Put some burn into it! Four... Five...

MRS FITCH: Emily, is that you, darling?

MR FITCH: Six

MRS FITCH: Dinner's getting cold.

MR FITCH: Get up, kid. You can do the last four reps before bed.

JAMES: You smell...

EMILY: Shut up

MRS FITCH: What have you been doing?

EMILY: Nothing.

MRS FITCH: You look like you've been fighting.

EMILY: Well, I haven't. Look, leave me alone.

MRS FITCH: Ok. Is it a boy that's upset you?

KATIE: Look, mum, I don't think she wants to talk about it.

MRS FITCH: Well, I do. Cos if it's been a boy that's been... You look like you've been roughed up, so tell me.

EMILY: It wasn't a boy.

KATIE: Yeah, see?

EMILY: So... it was a girl.

MR FITCH: You've been fighting with a girl? That's not very ladylike.

EMILY: No, Dad. I've been making love to a girl. Ok? Everybody satisfied?

KATIE: You're such a liar. Don't listen to her.

EMILY: Her name's Naomi. She's rather beautiful. So I was nailing her.

MRS FITCH: Sorry?

MR FITCH: Ok, ok, I get it. Nice one. Had me going there! I've got to mind my own business. Funny, very nice. Very nice! You've got to give it to her! Convincing!

EMILY: Dad. I'm trying to tell you...

KATIE: Shut up!

MR FITCH: I've got Mambo Badminton at nine. High calorie burn. I love those moves. "Nailing her..." You're funny!

JAMES: Gordon Macpherson says you call them dykes, because you have to stick your finger in them.

KATIE: You ruined my fucking top.

EMILY: I sat your exam for you. You could've at least backed me up.

KATIE: I did back you up! I just spent an hour downstairs trying to convince mum that you made it all up.

EMILY: That's fucking great.

KATIE: Because you have!

EMILY: What?

KATIE: You've just conjured up this thing with Naomi because... I don't know, maybe you're jealous of me.

EMILY: Jealous?

KATIE: Yes, jealous, because I get more boys than you, I look better in clothes than you and I'm more popular than you.

EMILY: Fuck off.

KATIE: Yeah, I think so. You can't stand it, it's sad. So are you gonna stop now before you hurt everybody?

EMILY: Fuck off.

KATIE: You're not gay. You're just stupid.

EMILY: Right, I'm stupid. I'm stupid because I don't let anyone fuck me when they're in love with somebody else?

KATIE: What?

EMILY: You let Freddie use you and look where it's got you. That's a normal relationship, isn't it? She fucked you up good, didn't she? Nobody hits me over the head with a rock. Loser. Katie. Look at me! I'm still Emily. Oh!

NAOMI: Sorry.

MRS FITCH: That's ok. I'm always in a rush. I'm sorry, I don't think we've...

NOAMI: Naomi, I'm a friend of Emily's.

MRS FITCH: Come in.

NAOMI: Oh, I thought you were in...

MRS FITCH: No, really, it's fine. They're all still in bed.

NAOMI: I should go.

MRS FITCH: Please. Sit down. Please.

NAOMI: I just...

MRS FITCH: Emily's impressionable.

NAOMI: What?

MRS FITCH: She's the younger twin.

NAOMI: Right.

MRS FITCH: And that means that somehow she's always in her sister's shadow. I don't know why that is, but it is. Katie's always in charge. And I think Emily wants to, I don't know, do something to feel that she's...

NAOMI: I don't know what we're talking about here.

MRS FITCH: Yes, you do. So I want you to stop putting ideas into her head, ok? She's not gay.

NAOMI: I'm not gay.

MRS FITCH: Right, so there's nothing to worry about then, is there? Because they're the apple of their dad's eye. He loves them, like, fierce, you know? Just the way they are. Normal, happy twins, and they're more alike than

you'll ever know.

NAOMI: Are you sure of that?

MRS FITCH: I want you to disappear now, Naomi. Don't screw her up, ok? Goodbye, Naomi.

KATIE: Sory

EMILY: Huh?

KATIE: I'm sory.

EMILY: Why are you talking Twin? We don't do that any more.

KATIE: Say you're sory too.

EMILY: Sory. Are you getting dressed? Are you going out?

KATIE: Yep. I'm sick of this fucking house. I'm sick of being sick.

EMILY: Where are you going?

KATIE: We're going shopping.

EMILY: For what?

KATIE: For Love Ball dresses.

EMILY: We don't have dates.

KATIE: So we'll go together.

EMILY: I don't want to.

KATIE: We're going together! Please, I need you, ok?

JAMES: I want my packed lunch.

KATIE: Shit.

JAMES: Whoa! You're naked, bitch.

KATIE: Kick the shit out of him.

JAMES: Sorry! Mum! Mum!

[In the street.]

PANDORA: Oh.

EMILY: Hi.

KATIE: Hi, Panda.

PANDORA: How you feeling?

KATIE: Yeah, I'm better.

PANDORA: You're feeling better? That's great.

KATIE: Have you heard from Effy?

PANDORA: I'm sure she didn't mean...

KATIE: Oh, I think she meant it, don't you?

PANDORA: I'm sorry.

EMILY: It's not your fault, Panda. What are you doing?

PANDORA: I bought this dress for the Love Ball in case Thomas forgave me. Anyway, I'm taking it back.

KATIE: We haven't got anyone to go with but we're still going. Right, Ems?

EMILY: Yeah, I suppose.

KATIE: So keep your dress and we'll go together, ok? Just the girls, right?

EMILY: You mean, like, go girls?

KATIE: Yeah, go girls. Right. You got it.

PANDORA: Ok, go girls. Whizzer.

EMILY: See you, Panda.

PANDORA: I'm never doing surf and turf with boys ever again. It just fucks everything up, don't it?

KATIE: Let's shop.

[In the shop.]

KATIE: Shit. Shit. What the fuck is he doing here?

EMILY: Do you want to go?

KATIE: Yeah... no... I don't know.

EMILY: Come on, let's go.

KATIE: Christ, is he coming over?

EMILY: No, he's not that stupid. Oh, fuck.

KATIE: Fuck.

FREDDIE: Hi, Katie.

KATIE: What do you want?

FREDDIE: Nothing, I just wanted to see how you are.

KATIE: Oh! Now you want to see how I am. Thanks, that's well compassionate. Cheers.

JJ: Hi, Emily.

EMILY: Hi.

FREDDIE: I didn't know what to say. I fucked up.

KATIE: No, Freddie. You fucked Effy when you were meant to be fucking me. Oh, yeah, after she hit me with a rock!

FREDDIE: Right. Yeah.

KATIE: I'm trying on dresses.

JJ: So, mum bought me my first man suit for the Love Ball. 65% polyester, 35% viscose. It is a bit crackly and I don't like the way the cat rubs against me...

EMILY: JJ, shut up.

JJ: I needed a tie... and I'm winding up. Freddie brought me here and... I've stopped. I've stopped, but still uncomfortable.

EMILY: Do I really have to tell you what to do now?

EMILY: You didn't tell anyone about me and you, did you, JJ?

JJ: No, no. Of course not.

EMILY: Because that's a secret.

JJ: Yep. Schtum. Need-to-know basis. Zipped it. Total, total secret. I told Freddie.

EMILY: JJ!

JJ: No, no, no, no. It's fine, it's fine, he doesn't even mind that you're gay either.

EMILY: Come on. Let's get you a fucking tie.

FREDDIE: Can't you see I just want to make things right?

KATIE: You can't. Look at the state of me.

FREDDIE: What can I do?

KATIE: You humiliated me. Effy doesn't even want you.

FREDDIE: No.

KATIE: No, cos otherwise she'd be here and not with Cook. There's nothing I can do to make you want me more than her, is there?

FREDDIE: Katie, I'm sorry.

KATIE: But you fucking owe me, Freddie. You owe me!

FREDDIE: Ok.

KATIE: You'll take me to that ball and everyone will see you looking like you like it.

FREDDIE: Right, but I told JJ I'd go with him. He's a bit shy.

KATIE: He's taking Emily.

FREDDIE: Oh, he'd like that.

KATIE: I don't care if he'd like that. He's doing it.

FREDDIE: Ok. I suppose after they had their thing... He was very animated, you know.

KATIE: Sorry?

FREDDIE: You know, when they got it on. I told him he was a lucky, lucky boy.

KATIE: Right... Yeah, she said he was cute.

FREDDIE: Cute? He was fucking ecstatic. But that's a secret, yeah?

KATIE: Yeah, yeah, well, she tells me everything.

FREDDIE: I figured.

EMPLOYEE 1: I told you there was a guy in here.

KATIE: Excuse me, I'm changing!

EMPLOYEE 2: You've got to come with me.

EMPLOYEE 1: That's disgusting. They probably pinched stuff.

EMPLOYEE 2: Yeah, I've gotta frisk you.

FREDDIE: Go frisk yourself.

EMPLOYEE 2: I've got a situation here, Samantha.

EMPLOYEE 1: Get names, Trevor.

[Fitch's House.]

KATIE: How did something like that just happen?

EMILY: He wanted a rumble and so did I.

KATIE: That's not a rumble. That's insanity spelled G-E-E-K! You're such a secretive little cow.

EMILY: What the fuck?! Can't I sleep with someone now?

KATIE: That's not someone, he's a mong.

EMILY: Right, well, I feel like having sex with him. I don't have to ask you.

KATIE: Yes, you do!

EMILY: What?

KATIE: You have to ask me. You have to ask Katie. Not gay, stupid!

MRS FITCH: Emily... please don't be horrible to Katie.

EMILY: She's a bitch, Mum.

MRS FITCH: She's been hurt. You've got to remember that. Please, Em. No-one's hurt you like that.

EMILY: Ok.

[Roundview College.]

TEACHER: Excuse me! Where are you going?

KATIE: "What?"

NAOMI: Please, Emily. I have to speak to you.

KATIE: "What for?"

NAOMI: Don't hang up.

KATIE: Fine, you can meet me for coffee.

[At the coffee.]

NAOMI: Emily.

KATIE: You gonna sit down?

NAOMI: Was that you on the phone?

KATIE: She shouldn't leave it lying around. Leave her alone, she's mine.

NAOMI: She can't help what she is, Katie. Neither can I.

KATIE: Yeah? Seemed like she could help it when she was fucking JJ.

NAOMI: What?

KATIE: Apparently he's quite keen, actually. After she saw to him good and proper.

NAOMI: It's not true.

KATIE: You hurt her, and now she doesn't want you.

NAOMI: Why are you so horrible?

KATIE: Because I love her more than you ever can. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got dresses to buy for a ball. You won't be there, because if you are...

[Fitch's House.]

JJ: JJ, hi. Hello, Jonah. Pleased to meet you. Yo, Fitch family.

FREDDIE: What are you stressing about? It's tradition. Parents just want to know their little girls are in safe hands.

JJ: They'll know just where these hands have been.

FREDDIE: JJ, they're not gonna know you had sex with Emily.

JJ: My mum knew straightaway. It was written all over my face.

FREDDIE: Mr Fitch. Freddie, JJ.

MR FITCH: Ah! The young men have arrived. They're getting ready. You know how girls are. They're not still virgins tomorrow, I'll hunt you down like dogs.

KATIE: Come on, they're here.

EMILY: I don't want to.

KATIE: I said Katie schum, ok? I was surprised, that's all. Did she ring you again?

EMILY: No.

KATIE: No. She cos she doesn't want to go with you and I do. So just put the dress on and let's go out.

EMILY: Don't touch that.

KATIE: I know what's in here, Ems.

EMILY: Please. Give it back.

KATIE: It's a box of fannies, is it making you happy?

EMILY: No.

KATIE: So put it away. Please can we go to the ball now?

JJ: They're taking a long time.

FREDDIE: Yeah.

MRS FITCH: It's a chance to get to know you, isn't that nice? So, tell me JJ, do you know Emily well?

JJ: Um, pretty well.

MRS FITCH: She hasn't mentioned you.

JJ: Well, a bit of a secret, you know.

MRS FITCH: Really?

FREDDIE: JJ's a bit shy.

MRS FITCH: I can see that. It's written all over your face.

JJ: No, it's not.

FREDDIE: J...

JJ: I didn't... well, I did... pyjamas and she made me do it.

MRS FITCH: Huh?

JJ: Yes, but it was all totally safe, so don't worry.

MRS FITCH: Right. Right.

KATIE: Hey. We're ready.

[Roundview College.]

DOUG: Welcome to the Love Ball.

GIRL: Nice suit.

DOUG: Have a good time. Pandora! Step this way. I must say, Pandora, you are a vision.

PANDORA: Thanks, Doug!

DOUG: Where is your beau?

PANDORA: Here, silly.

DOUG :No, your... beau, your boyfriend. Your escort.

PANDORA: No, I tried escorting, I didn't like it. So I'm getting myself to a nunnery. You know, no boys, no way, no how. They're idiots. I've had it.

DOUG: Oh, dear. In that case, would you allow me the honour of a dance? Let's get this party started, shall we?

PANDORA: Great. Cos I'm a wicked dancer.

DOUG: You're in the hands of a master.

FREDDIE: Oh, Jesus, what is this stuff?

JJ: It's Dad's potato moonshine. He went on a "distil anything" course. Use it for weedkiller, mainly. What's it like?

KATIE: Urgh! Shit, ugh! Fuck!

EMILY: Katie, this is too weird.

JJ: This just... this feels a bit weird, you know?

FREDDIE: I know. We have to do it, though, right?

KATIE: We're just on a date.

FREDDIE: We're just on a date. No... shagging.

JJ: No? I'd quite like to, you know? If... she'd let me.

EMILY: Just as long as I don't have to shag him.

KATIE: No-one's shagging, we're just gonna...

FREDDIE: Chill out. That's it, ok?

JJ: Ok. Give me that.

FREDDIE: Hang on, JJ, no, you don't... drink.

JJ: Right. Let's do this.

KATIE: Go, girls. All right?

FREDDIE: Ladies. Welcome to the Love Ball.

JJ: Yes, love is all around, hopefully. And...

NAOMI: Oh, how sweet. Out on a foursome. Look at you, JJ. Suave! Well, it should be fun. Emily's great in the sack, isn't she, JJ?

JJ: Um... yes... I mean... wait, I mean... but... Oh, bobbins.

EMILY: Naomi, I wanted to tell you...

NAOMI: Yeah? But you didn't, did you, hon? So, if you'll excuse me...

EMILY: Christ!

KATIE: Right.

JJ: Definitely not shagging tonight, then.

FREDDIE: No, JJ. Come on. They're girls. They always kiss and make up.

KATIE: Fuck off!

NAOMI: You're just a mad fucking cow, aren't you, Katie?

KATIE: You're so fucking right. That's for fucking her up.

NAOMI: But that wasn't me.

KATIE: She's my sister! You're just a slut.

NAOMI: Takes one to know one, doesn't it?

KATIE: Oh, go fuck yourself, Naomi!

NAOMI: Didn't need to blab about JJ! You just loved doing it, didn't you, Katiekins?

KATIE: She deserved it.

EMILY: What did I deserve, Katie?

KATIE: Emily... No... it wasn't like that! Emily! Emily, please don't walk away.

EMILY: You fucking cow!

KATIE: Get off! Get off me!

HARRIET: Excuse me. Mavis. Do me a favour.

MAVIS: What?

HARRIET: Bugger off, would you, there's a good girl.

DOUG: Harriet, are you all right?

HARRIET: No, Doug. There's a couple of things I need to go over with you.

DOUG: Oh?

HARRIET: I just want to say... I just want to say...

DOUG: Girls, girls! Girls, girls!

KATIE: Get off!

EMILY: Katie... I can't stand this. I'm a person. I'm not you.

KATIE: I know.

EMILY: You have to understand, Katie. I love you. And I'll never really leave you. But I can't fix this. I like girls. No... I like a girl. No. I love her. Ok? I love... her. Ok?

KATIE: Ok.

THOMAS: Pandora.

PANDORA: Please. Can we start again? I promise. I promise I...

THOMAS: Hello. I'm Thomas. So glad to meet you.

NAOMI: Some party.

EMILY: Eventful.

NAOMI: Yeah. I love you too.

EMILY: I know.