THOMAS: Hello. I’m Thomas. So glad to meet you.

THOMAS: Hello. I’m Thomas. So glad to meet you.

BOY: Hello.

BOY’S MOTHER: Wayne. Come here! Come here! Don’t talk to him for fuck’s sake.

THOMAS: Allo? Oui maman. Tout va bien. Oui, j’ai trouvé un appartement. Oui, c’est cool, super cool. Il faut que tu le voies. Luxueux. Incroyable ! Un travail…? Oui… Je suis… je suis balayeur. Oui. C’est très facile. On a des machines qui… Allo? Maman? Merde!

THOMAS: I bought this card for 120 minutes. I speak for two minutes. Nothing left.

MAN: You want to buy another card?

THOMAS: No, no, no, no. My mother, she’ll be very upset.

MAN: It’s five pounds. Five pounds. Oi! Oi, what you doing? Come here. I told you kids what I'd do last time!

BOY: Fucking kick him, Aaron! Kick him harder! Paki cunt!

THOMAS: Cunt is a very bad word. Even in England, I think. Yes? What is this "Paki" that they call you? Is that bad?

MAN: I'm from Delhi. And I hate Pakis.

THOMAS: So, you see? Disrespectful. Now, go and play. Go!

THOMAS: Mmmm. Oh! Mmmm. Ah!

PANDORA: Wow! You've got a wacker lot of doughnuts.

THOMAS: Yes. Of course, I have too many.

PANDORA: Crazy. Ta.

EFFY: No, thanks.

PANDORA: Effy doesn't do doughnuts.

THOMAS: I see. So, what does she do?

PANDORA: Drugs. We've just been to buy some skunky, haven't we, Eff? I can do six of these no problem, except Mum hides them behind the fridge-freezer. Wow! This is blimmin' amazing! But I need juicing.

EFFY: You need juicing?

PANDORA: Yeah. Chuck us the Irn-Bru, would you, Eff? Barry!

EFFY: What are you talking about?

PANDORA: Uncle Jock always says "Barry" when he drinks Irn-Bru. I don't know why, Mum says it's because he's Scottish and mad.

THOMAS: Hello. My name is Thomas. I'm so glad to meet you.

EFFY: Effy. So glad to meet you.

THOMAS: I came yesterday, from Africa. This place is exceedingly cold.

EFFY: Bummer.

PANDORA: Oh. Hell's bells.

SONG. To the kids in the classroom, Can't you wait until... when they gang up and get at you, you wanna be so cool but you know you'll never make it. You think you've got soul but I know you have to fake it. You're gonna be a

pillowcase splitter. Break it out Break your pillow every night...

EFFY: This way.

THOMAS: Incroyable.

EFFY: Sorry?

THOMAS: Your house. It’s incredible.

EFFY: Thanks. Come on. Bring the dozy cow up here.

THOMAS: I think maybe these doughnuts are not good for you.

EFFY: Yeah, that must be it. Mum? Mum?

ANTHEA (EFFY’S MOTHER): Shit! Where's my... Oh, for fuck's sake.

MAN: Jesus Christ!

ANTHEA: Put your trousers on. Effy. What are you, er, doing here?

EFFY: Pandora puked.

ANTHEA: You know Steve, don't you?

STEVE: Hi.

ANTHEA: He's been helping me with my, erm, my project.

STEVE: Right, yeah. It's really interesting, isn't it?

ANTHEA: Yeah.

THOMAS: Hello. My name is Thomas. So glad to meet you.

STEVE: Hi.

THOMAS: Good evening.

JOHNNY: Shouldn't sneak up on me, should he? Hmm? No? Yeah?

MAN 1: Yeah.

MAN 2: Yeah. No.

MAN 1: Yeah?

MAN 2: No, John.

MAN 1: Should he?

JOHNNY: Bring the fucker.

MAN 2: Right, up you get, my lover.

JOHNNY: In here! Bring him in the flat, you twats.

MAN 2: Oh, right. Sorry, mate, Johnny. Got the wrong end of the stick.

MAN 1: Yeah, he wants to torture him inside, doesn’t he?

MAN 2: Inside, like.

MAN 1: Yeah, inside.

JOHNNY: Put the kettle on please, lads.

MAN 1: It's taking a long time there, boss.

JOHNNY: Yeah.

MAN 2: I keep saying, like. Probably shouldn't watch it. You know?

JOHNNY: Right. Lets get started, shall we? Hello. Who's you?

THOMAS: T-T... Thomas.

JOHNNY: T-T... Thomas? You're in my flat.

THOMAS: I thought it was empty. No-one wants to live here.

JOHNNY: That's true. I wouldn't live here. I'd have to be a dirty arsehole. Right?

MAN 1: Yeah. You'd be a right dirty arsehole.

MAN 2: You wouldn't be a dirty arsehole.

JOHNNY: Passport. Not you, Bennie! You. Fair enough. Business or pleasure?

THOMAS: Sorry?

JOHNNY: Are you here for business or pleasure?

THOMAS: Business.

JOHNNY: Correct answer!

MAN 2: Kettle's boiled, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Now we're ready, Thomas. Lucas. Load a Pot.

MAN 1: Coming up, Johnny.

JOHNNY: This whole estate is mine. People like you, Thomas, you gotta pay to use it, see?

MAN 2: You wanna watch that there, Johnny. That's fucking hot, mate.

JOHNNY: You sauced it?

MAN 2: Shit, yeah. It's fully charged.

JOHNNY: I want you to see what kind of man you're dealing with, Thomas.

MAN 1: That is... Pure evil!

JOHNNY: I want £300 deposit by Desperate Housewives on Thursday. And don't bother trying to move flat, ‘cause they're all mine. And that'll be £400 by X Factor. We wouldn't want that, would we?

THOMAS: No.

JOHNNY: No. Say goodnight to Thomas, boys.

MAN 2: See ya, cocker.

MAN 1: Cheers, Thommo. All the best.

MAN 2: Be lucky.

MAN 1: He seemed like a nice lad to me.

MAN 2: Yeah, but John's gonna fuck him.

MAN 1: Oh, yeah. He is.

THOMAS: Dear Mama, little brother and sister. I may be a long way from home, but you are so close to my thoughts. I am sending you this message because you must practice your English before you come. Here, the sun shines just like at home and there are many wonderful people. Dors bien petit frère et petite soeur. Voilà votre chanson. Je veux que vous l’appreniez avant d’aller en Angleterre, d’accord ? “Bebe nani a beti yo. Loba na nga nako zongisa Tango mousousou o toutanaki na mire a ndakou. Bebe nani a beti yo. Loba na nga. Nako zongisa. Tango mousousou o toutanaki na mire a ndakou...”

MAN: Where are you going?

THOMAS: I need work.

MAN: Fuck off, mister. This isn't your work. Boy, they will beat you. You want them to beat you?

THOMAS: No. But I must have money.

MAN: They take anyone.

OTHER MAN: Oi!

MAN: No documents. You forgot them, OK?

THOMAS: Ok.

MAN: Now fuck off. Before we beat you, huh?

THOMAS: Thank you, Sir.

THOMAS: This is a very cold country.

WOMAN: Did you bring your visa and work permit?

THOMAS: I'm very sorry. I forgot them.

WOMAN: Special skills?

THOMAS: I play all music. I run very, very fast. Like a dog. Also, I am mathematical. I will solve any equation.

WOMAN: None. Qualifications?

THOMAS: Top of my class at school. All A's. The village was very proud.

WOMAN: Where?

THOMAS: In Congo.

WOMAN: None. Work experience?

THOMAS: Every day I fetch the goats. I milk them and...

WOMAN: Goats?

THOMAS: In my village, before sunrise. I milk the goats, I collect the dung since I was four years old.

WOMAN: None.

THOMAS: This job will get me £300, yes? My mother is coming you see and she's a very fussy lady.

WOMAN: Yeah. And you can start tomorrow.

THOMAS: What must I do?

THOMAS: Excellent machine.

KATIE: Effy! Effy! Effy! Excuse me! Effy, hi! Look. I got a new top. It's cool, isn't it? When you've got tits like mine, you've gotta flash them haven't you?

EFFY: Sorry?

KATIE: Breasts, girl.

You should try it.

EFFY: I never try.

KATIE: Huh? Stop fucking following me, will you!

EMILY: I wasn't, I was...

THOMAS: A strange place, this college.

EMILY: Sorry?

THOMAS: Everyone is loud and they care about nothing.

EMILY: Yeah. You're right.

THOMAS: You are the same as your sister.

EMILY: I'm not the same as her.

THOMAS: No? Maybe you're a little more pretty.

EMILY: Cheeky.

THOMAS: Most satisfactory.

TEACHER: Come on. Pick your positions, everyone. Now, feel the rhythm. Pandora! Take this seriously! That's right. Now swaying. Growl. You're African. Come on! OK. You're stalking, leopards. Come on, Colin. You're camouflaged. Get some bush! And stalking. Stalking your prey! And it's building, building. Marimba! Great! Great, gazelles. Feel the sun beating down on your haunches. Stretch, stretch. And cue vultures! Circling, circling... And pounce! And finish! Finish, Pandora!

THE GROUP: “Nkosi Sikelel! Nkosi Silelel!”

TEACHER: What do you think?

DOUG: Well... That's just smashing, Samantha. Well done, everyone! I can absolutely smell the Savannah. This is going to blow the Ofsted inspectors away. Right! OK, everyone. Thank you. Thank you all. A triumph! They've got a real sense of rhythm, haven't they? Thrilling. In fact, er... I was wondering, well have you seen Out Of Africa?

TEACHER: No.

DOUG: I have it on DVD. Similar themes. Maybe I could come over sometime and wang my disc in your box?

TEACHER: Oh, yeah! Possibly.

THOMAS: Hello friend.

PANDORA: Hi. I forgot my tail.

THOMAS: Oh.

PANDORA: Blooming heck, you've got fast fingers. You can pluck super quick. That's gotta be handy. Thomas? Why are you crying?

THOMAS: Wow! England is beautiful. Everything is green.

PANDORA: Wicked green, ’cause it pisses down most days. Anyway, Effy told me you carried me back, stripped me naked, and laid me tenderly in your bed.

THOMAS: Excuse me? I didn't... What?

PANDORA: You must be wondrously strong to carry me.

THOMAS: I've carried heavier goats.

PANDORA: You're funny!

THOMAS: Am I?

PANDORA: Yeah. And you like all the same things as me. Dancing, doughnuts...

THOMAS: Excuse me. I'm a little hungry.

PANDORA: That's why we're going to see Auntie Elizabeth. She makes ripper scones.

THOMAS: Scones?

PANDORA: Yup. And the best tea ever.

THOMAS: My God! How many people live here?

PANDORA: One. But Auntie Lizzie has a wicked load of stuff.

ELIZABETH: Now then, we're ready to hear all about you.

PANDORA: Thanks, Lizziepoo.

THOMAS: Well, my family is from Ouesso District, Sangha, in Congo. Our village is very poor. I miss them so much. My mother will come next week with my brother and sister, and we'll live here, together.

ELIZABETH: Oh, how very exciting! You must bring them round. Do have a scone.

THOMAS: Thank you.

PANDORA: Oh, no! Tea first. Scones always taste better after tea. Auntie grows it herself.

ELIZABETH: Mmm.

PANDORA: Mmm.

ELIZABETH: Mmm.

PANDORA: Makes my lips tingle and everything.

ELIZABETH: That's wonderful. Mmm! Heaven.

PANDORA: Oooh!

THOMAS: It's interesting. I'd be very pleased to see how it is grown.

ELIZABETH: Of course, my dear boy. Yes. Just as soon as we've all got well and truly sconed.

ELIZABETH: So I had this lodger, Darnell. He's a charming chap from Kingston, Jamaica. Most entertaining. Anyway, he needed somewhere to keep his tea plants. Pay attention, dear. So, Darnell, it was an awful business, poor chap. He fell out with his brothers and they were so cross he had to go back to Jamaica rather quickly. Blimey. They don't half grow. So, this is where we dry it out. It's terribly easy. But, flipping 'eck, it's coming out of my ears. It's lucky that it goes so well with cake!

THOMAS: Maybe I could sell some. I think people would like it very much.

ELIZABETH: What an enterprising chap! You know, you could do worse, Panda. You could do a lot worse! You get me, blood?

PANDORA: You don't have much furniture in here, do you, Thomas?

THOMAS: I must buy some before my mother comes. She is a powerful lady, most powerful. Especially on the backhand.

PANDORA: You're gonna have to sell a shoe-load of tea to buy a sofa, even if it's a once in a lifetime, rock bottom offer at World of Leather. There's hardly enough for three or four cups in those bags.

THOMAS: Pandora, this isn't just what you think it is.

PANDORA: Well, what in the bollocking name of buggery is it? That's smoking a lot better than Mum's Earl Grey!

THOMAS: Yes. And rather more expensive.

PANDORA: You're amazing. Wow. Now I get it. Cripes. That was kissing.

THOMAS: No, Pandora. This is kissing.

JIM (EFFY’S FATHER): So Dave tells Steve exactly how it is. Doesn't pull his punches. He said, "Let's take this outside, you tosser!" Just like that! Fucking hell, Steve. That's the Managing Director, for fuck's sake! Great guy. Stupid, but great. You liked him, didn't you love?

ANTHEA: Yeah, you know. He's OK. Anyway, look, a funny thing happened to me in the supermarket today...

JIM: Me and Steve have a lot in common. We share the same tastes. He was surprisingly complimentary about you, love.

ANTHEA: Right.

JIM: That'll be him now.

ANTHEA: What?

JIM: I invited Steve over for a drink. I made a friend! Fucking coming!

ANTHEA: It's more complicated than you think.

EFFY: It doesn't seem complicated. You're fucking my dad's line manager. No biggie.

ANTHEA: Give me a chance to sort it out. Please, Effy...

JIM: Well, it's not Steve. But look who it is! What's your name again?

PANDORA: Pandora.

JIM: Ridiculous!

PANDORA: Hi, Effy. Hi, Anthea. Hi, Jim. This is Thomas. Guess what? We've been snogging!

EFFY: Never.

PANDORA: Yeah! And we need some advice.

EFFY: Oh?

PANDORA: Yeah. We've got a shitload of weed!

EFFY: Right. Let's take this upstairs, shall we?

PANDORA: Eff. I've been doing it with tongues. Come on, Thomas.

THOMAS: So glad to meet you again. You look different with your clothes on.

JIM: What?

ANTHEA: I just defrosted a nice tart tatin.

COOK: You pussies turned up, then?

FREDDIE: Hey. What's up?

COOK: My cock, hopefully. You know what I mean?

JJ: I'm still upset. I'm never going to a brothel with you again.

COOK: Ah! You loved it. Hey-oop. We got action.

JJ: Yeah. They all hate you.

COOK: Why?

FREDDIE: ‘Cause you're a tit.

COOK: How many times have I gotta tell you retards? Tit works. Girls! We were just discussing breasts and there you were.

KATIE: Tosser!

EFFY: This is the guy you're gonna help out tonight.

THOMAS: So glad.

PANDORA: Thomas has gotta get 300 quid by tomorrow, otherwise Johnny White's gonna make him eat...

FREDDIE: Johnny White?!

EFFY: He's got 13 ounces of weed in the bag.

FREDDIE: Ok!

THOMAS: If you'd help, I could give you much. It's excellent weed.

NAOMI: Hi.

KATIE: Oh, Christ. Not again. Who phoned her?

EMILY: Please, Katie. Don't.

NAOMI: Hi, sorry. I couldn't find a bus. You said somebody needed a hand?

KATIE: You like giving hand. Don't you?

NAOMI: See you.

EMILY: For fuck's sake! She didn't kiss me, OK.

KATIE: She practically jumped you.

EMILY: I kissed her! I was drunk, and someone gave me MDMA, and... I felt like fucking kissing someone! Satisfied?

COOK: I'm satisfied! Be better if you showed us!

EFFY: Shut the fuck up, Cook. You promised me a party. Where is it?

COOK: Can't you feel it, kids? It's the sound of the underground. Come on, you suckers. Let's go.

EFFY: Cool.

THE GROUP: Woo-hoo! Come on!

JOHNNY: No fucking beat to this tune.

MAN 1: Oh, no. It's there, boss. You just gotta be pilled up.

JOHNNY: You're supposed to be selling not necking, Benny. You look like a fucking nonce, you twat. Hang on! He's pushing dope at my fucking shindig! Go! Go, motherfuckers! No! Him! Jesus! Wait till I get my hands on that little fucker. Out of my way! Fucking hell. Ooh! Fucking wankers!

EMILY: How much you sold? I have done three bags. Ten each.

NAOMI: Don't even know why I'm fucking doing this.

EMILY: Thanks for keeping schtum.

NAOMI: I don't care what your sister thinks.

EMILY: Yeah, well, I do. So thanks anyway. I didn't take MDMA that night. I just wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you now.

NAOMI: You're gay?

EMILY: No... No, I just... Sorry.

NAOMI: Yeah, me too.

EMILY: Shit. Shit!

THOMAS: Which are you?

EMILY: Gay... I mean, Emily.

THOMAS: Emily. Already I have £175. My weed is cheap and, my god, they love it!

EFFY: I got 80.

THOMAS: Oh, this country is so great!

JOHNNY: Oh! T-T-Thomas! You're on my t-t-turf! It's hitting profits, so you gotta pay. And we only accept cash and pain. Get the little fucker! Fucking smash him!

THOMAS: My brother! White people are gonna to season me!

BLACK MAN: What the fuck, blood? Quick, gimme your T.

MAN: Make some noise, people!

BLACK MAN: Gimme the T-shirt! Quick! Come on stage, you can blend in the posse. Up here!

MAN: Let's get this started. Yeah, let me hear you make some noise for T!

BLACK MEN: “Listen, let me get on this So I can get real ghetto on this. Unlike you, I don't teef rhymes I'm so sick that I don't feel fine. Melanie's mingin' but Beverly's fine. So Melanie's yours and Beverly's mine. Let me get on this So girls can get real wet from this. So you can't put them lips on this I'm black that's why I stand out. Sippin' moonshine and gettin' shines while the moon's out. You ain't got the creps to step to me man. With my Airforce Ones I'll step to you, man. When the music drops I rave it out. I wanna see your middle finger Then your first finger. Put them in the air and skank it out. Put them in the air and skank it out.”

BLACK MAN: Let me hear you make some noise for my African brother, Thommo!

COOK: 85, 95. That's it. £295. There you go, fella. Should be plenty.

NAOMI: Look after that, yeah?

JJ: Well done, Thomas.

THOMAS: This is... You are good people. This is everything I have dreamed of and... Now you are my friends, too.

COOK: Oh, shit.

JJ: Oh, God!

JOHNNY: Morning, fella. Now we're really gonna fellate you. Gentlemen. Didn't I say I'd kill you if I ever saw you again? Believe this is mine. I love my work. Love it.

THOMAS: You must be some kind of English pussy cunt? You heard me. I think you're afraid. Possibly your father was a homosexual donkey. I will fight you by myself. You can choose any weapon.

JOHNNY: You just made my day.

JOHNNY: So, in summary, I win. You are my gimp forever, I take all your money, beat you, and your mates to a pulp, and my boys rape all the women.

MAN 1: Um, boss, the lads... The lads aren't too keen, you know, on the rape.

JOHNNY: For fuck's sake! I'm talking dangerous! Can nobody talk dangerous any more? Jesus! Fucking Bristol. No ambition. No...edge, no style. You know? Provincial.

MAN 1: Sorry, boss.

THOMAS: I'm ready. How do you want to fight?

JOHNNY: Promise you. You're gonna shit yourself. Oh, yeah. You ever seen a Naga Jolokia before, Thomas? Hottest chilli on the planet. It's like being fisted by Joe Calzaghe. And Joe's still got his gloves on. Who flinches... is fucked. You.

MAN 1: Oh, in God's name, no.

PANDORA: My God!

THOMAS: Mmm. Delicious.

COOK: Well done, mate.

EFFY: Well done, Thomas.

JOHNNY: What?

THOMAS: My mother. She grows these in our garden. We are forbidden to eat them, she will beat us if we disobey. But boys will be boys. And I am a very naughty boy. If I win, I pay you no money, and you leave me and my friends alone forever. You.

KATIE: Oh, my God.

MAN 1: What is that?

MAN 2: He shat himself.

MAN 1: Oh. Oh, my God. That... That is so humiliating.

MAN 2: Oh, no.

MAN 1: Right, come on, lads. Let's get out of here.

MAN 2: Mate that is humming.

MAN 1: You can't respect a man, who shits himself, can you?

MEN: Nan.

THOMAS: Pandora, sweetness, what are you doing?

PANDORA: I've given it some thought, and I've decided. You're gonna be the first, Thomas.

THOMAS: The first?

PANDORA: Yup. What do I want? Surfing and turfing. When do I want it? Now!

THOMAS: Mama!

THOMAS’ MOTHER: J’attends mon baiser mon garcon.

KIDS: Thomas!

THOMAS’ MOTHER: Laisse-moi voir cet appartement.

THOMAS: Mais tu n’arrives pas avant la semaine prochaine…

EMILY: Come on, JJ.

THOMAS’ MOTHER: Tu étais tout seul pendant trop longtemps… et en plus sans surveillance.

KATIE: Hi.

PANDORA: You gonna come and flippin' well jump me now? I took my bra off and everything! Look! Aren't they fucking amazing?

THOMAS: Mama...

THOMAS’ MOTHER: Prépare tes affaires.

THOMAS : Mama…

THOMAS’ MOTHER : Prépare tes sacs. Toi, tu vas rentrer à la maison. Vous êtes dégoûtants.