Tony’s house. Alarm beeps. Tony gets out from his bed. He puts the radio on, while doing sport and looking himself in the mirror. His watch beeps. He opens the curtains to see his neighbour, the naked woman from the house in front. Effy is coming back from a party. Tony puts the sound of the radio to the maximum to make her come in, without their parents noticed.

TONY’S FATHER, JIM: Tony! Tony! For Christ’s sake, Tony! Tony!

TONY: Sorry! The volume’s bust again!

JIM: Turn it down!

TONY: I’m trying.

JIM: Every fucking morning! Why don’t you just get the sodding thing fixed?

TONY: All right. All right.

JIM: Pull the plug out!

TONY: What?

JIM: Pull the fucking plug out, you twat! Jesus Christ, Tony! Pull the plug out, you pillock! Tony! Tony! Oh, shit!

Bathroom.

JIM: Bugger! How long you gonna be in there?

TONY: Not long now.

JIM: Oh, fucking, bollocking, twat, fuck. How come I’m never allowed to use my own sodding bathroom?! Oh, Jesus wept.

TONY’S MOTHER, ANTHEA: Hey sweetheart, do you want some eggs?

TONY: No, thanks.

ANTHEA: Effy’s having some. She didn’t slept too well.

JIM: Get out of the bathroom. I need a piss! Tony! He won’t even answer me. I mean, what’s he doing up there? Perming his fucking pubes or something? Anthea, what is he doing?!

TONY: I think that lock’s messed up again. I put the drill under the sink.

JIM: You take me for a complete James Blunt, don’t you?

ANTHEA: Do you want an egg?

JIM: I want a fucking piss.

ANTHEA: Jim, I was wandering, do you have to swear all the time?

JIM: Sodding, fucking, bolloky, shit, wank. Where is the twat?

JIM: Every fucking morning!

Phone ringing.

SID: Fuck off.

TONY: Wake up, Sid, you twat.

SID: I’m asleep.

TONY: No, you’re not.

SID: Or just too bored to speak to you, so leave a message.

TONY: You’re a lazy turd, Sid. We have plans, remember? Concerning your cock. Ring me.

Calling Chris.

CHRIS: Waaaagh! Got you! I’m not here, you wankers. Leave a message.

TONY: Jesus, dozy fuckers.

JAL: Tony? What?

TONY: Jal, can you nip round and wake Sid up?

JAL: Nip round? He lives half a mile away.

TONY: Just nip round and quickly give him a…

JAL: I’m trying to fucking practice here.

TONY: I’ve got another call. Stay on the line.

JAL: Jesus.

TONY: Hi, nips.

MICHELLE: Stop calling me, Nips.

TONY: It’s a funny name. I’ve seen a few nipples, Nips, and yours are fucking hilarious.

MICHELLE: My nipples are not funny, ok?

TONY: That’s your opinion. Anyway, you said you’d help out with Sid today?

MICHELLE: What?!

TONY: With Sid. The virgin thing.

MICHELLE: You weren’t serious?

TONY: He’s got to pop his cherry and I’ve nominated you to, you know, help out.

MICHELLE: God, Tony. Do I have to?

TONY: You promised. Hang on. I’ve got Chris on the line. Stay there.

MICHELLE: Whatever.

CHRIS: Yeah, man. You rang?

TONY: Where the fuck is everyone? It’s nine o’clock.

CHRIS: Oh man, I’m in bed.

TONY: Can’t you go and get Sid?

CHRIS: I can’t. I’m busy. Busy-busy, you remember?

TONY: Ah, Buck tooth?

CHRIS: Yo!

TONY: Give her a big hello from me, yeah?

CHRIS: You already did that, didn’t yeah. It’s my turn now. All right, laters.

TONY: Anyway, it’s not that much to ask, Nips. Sid’s almost 17. He’s gotta get laid before his birthday otherwise he can’t be my friend, obviously.

JAL: What the fuck are you talking about?!

TONY: Sorry, Jal. Wrong call. Can you hold?

JAL: No.

TONY: Perhaps you could help out with Sid’s cherry.

JAL: I don’t think so! You need someone deaf, blind and stupid for that.

TONY: That’s unkind.

JAL: Bye, Tony.

TONY: Wanna come to a party?

JAL: Goodbye, Tony. And stop calling Michelle Nips.

TONY: It’s a funny name. She’s got a funny nipple.

TONY: …You still there?

MICHELLE: All right.

TONY: Huh?

MICHELLE: I’ll help Sid if he’s so desperate.

TONY: Safe. We’ll do it at the party tonight, yeah. Meet us in the café so we can plan.

MICHELLE: I have to plan?

TONY: Oh, yes. Later, Nips.

MICHELLE: I said don’t call me… They’re fine!

ANWAR: I can’t talk right now. Ooow! Cheers, Tony. Tony?

TONY: Hello Mr Jenkins. It’s Tony.

SID’S FATHER, MARK: Hi Tony. What can we do for you?

TONY: We’re a little worried about Sid. He’s got a sociology test in ten minutes and, er…

MARK: What? He’s what?!

Sid’s house.

MARK: Wake up you lazy, bone-idle, little fucker!

SID: Ah?

MARK: Up! You complete and total fucking sodding waste of fucking space!

SID: (Answering the phone) What?

TONY: Cafe now. We’ve got things to talk about.

SID: Like what?

TONY: Virgins.

SID: Huh?

TONY: Virgins. Virginity.

SID: Whose?

TONY: Yours, you anus.

SID: I’m listening.

TONY: Hang on.

SID: Tony?

ANWAR: Cheers, Tone. My uncle wants to stone me to death now.

TONY: No, he doesn’t. Your uncle is lovely.

ANWAR: What was it?

TONY: Party tonight. Sid’s getting de-cherried.

ANWAR: Chris promised Maxxie we’re gonna go to his big gay night out.

TONY: Is Chris gay?

ANWAR: No.

TONY: Are you gay?

ANWAR: No! But Maxxie says there’s gonna be lots of hot women there… desperate because there’s nobody to shag, except for me and Chris.

TONY: Anwar, you dippy twat. Sid’s flying solo down the tunnel of love and he needs support, yeah?

ANWAR: Could we watch?

TONY: Oh, Jesus!

MAXXIE: Yup.

TONY: Hey, Maxxie. We need you tonight.

MAXXIE: Sorry, Bruv. Big gay night out. Me and the lads.

TONY: The lads?

MAXXIE: Yeah. I’m going to take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.

TONY: Fuck that! Look, Max… for Christ Sakes! Can you stop fucking tap dancing? I can’t hear myself think.

MAXXIE: Sorry, Tone. Gotta get these moves. You know, for the show.

TONY: Do they have tap dancing in Death of a Salesman?

MAXXIE: It needs a number. I’ve always said that.

TONY: Anyway, meet me on the green before psychology.

MAXXIE: Got ya. God, I’m good.

TONY: Sid. Sid, you still there? Sid!

SID: Er, yeah?

TONY: A personal briefing is essential. Cafe, 20 minutes. Tonight, Sidney my cherry o’baby, you present Mr Happy with the keys to the Furry City.

SID: Tonight, Mr Happy. The Furry city.

Café.

SID: I’m crap in the mornings.

TONY: You’re always crap. No exercise, rubbish food and too much caffeine.

SID: Fuck off. I didn’t have a sociology test, did I?

TONY: No.

SID: Fucker. This better be good.

TONY: Trust me. Tonight we go to a party and you finally pop the cherry. You finally get the VIP tour of Netherlands. You finally…

SID: Fuck off. “Finally”.

TONY: It’s embarrassing.

SID: It’s common and quiet normal for someone of 16 to…

TONY: No. It’s embarrassing, Sid.

SID: Shit. All right, how?

TONY: We go to the party and we get a girl catastrophically spliffed up. In her confused state, she comes to believe, however momentarily that you’re attractive enough to shag.

SID: Who’s the lucky girl, then?

TONY: I think you’re gonna like this. Oh, yes. You are a very, very lucky little boy.

SID: Michelle? I’m gonna do it with Michelle?

TONY: Hang on, Sid.

SID: I’m gonna dock the cherry with Michelle. Cheers, Tony. You don’t know what…

MICHELLE: Hi. (Kissing Tony)

SID: …what this means. Are we getting me laid or shall I just start filming and take it back for private time?

TONY: All right. Who’s stupid enough to fuck Sid?

MICHELLE: Cassie.

SID: She’s still in hospital.

MICHELLE: They let her out. She’s just not allowed to handle knives.

SID: All right. She’ll do.

TONY: We’re gonna need a lot of drugs. Get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.

SID: I’ve got to get an ounce of spliff?

TONY: There’s this guy who’ll sell on tick. Tell him who will pay tomorrow.

SID: But why don’t you go?

TONY: Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.

MICHELLE: Cassie’s great in the sack. As long as she’s not hungry.

SID: Who says?

TONY&MICHELLE: Everyone.

SID: Ok, fuck it. What’s this guy’s name?

TONY: It’s all on there.

SID: That’s this guy’s name? Mad Twatter?

MICHELLE: Is that waking up your chi, Karate kid?

Choir audition.

PIANIST: That was lovely, Anthony. Really, quite lovely.

TONY: Thanks.

PIANIST: I’m sure we would love to have you in the chamber choir.

TONY: Looking forward to it.

ABIGAIL: Hi.

TONY: Hi.

ABIGAIL: My frands think you’re really cool, yah?

TONY: Your… sorry?

ABIGAIL: My frands. Are you sill coming to my party tonight? It would be safe if you did. Bring some frands. My parents are in Cloisters. We’re just going to go wild on drum’n’bass.

TONY: Sounds great.

ABIGAIL: After 8.30 because Miriam has to get back from her cello recital.

TONY: No problem.

ABIGAIL: Bring some frands.

TONY: I absolutely will. Gotta dash. See you later.

Phone ringing.

TONY: Did you find Cassie? She’s coming, right? Christ’s sakes, Michelle! Tell her we’ve got spliff and all the Cheesy Wotsits she can eat. I’m going to psychology. I’ll come and do you with the magic motor. You got new batteries? Nice. Warm it up for Super Fly.

MAN: You! You, boy. What’s your business in here?!

TONY: Interview.

MAN: I doubt that. This is an all-girl school. Where should you be, boy?

TONY: I’m at Roundview College.

MAN: And you think you can just walk in here and accost ladies, do you?

TONY: I was auditioning for the City Chamber Choir, responding to a perceived need for more male parts, man.

MAN: My name’s Mr Griffiths and I’m the head of French here and addressed as “Sir”. Do they even teach you French in that technical college you attend?

TONY: They do.

MAN: And what do you call your French teacher?

TONY: Pierre.

MAN: You! Come here! I want to know your name. Come here! I’m talking to you. I’ll report you to your college, you common oik!

Calling Sid.

TONY: Hey, it’s me. Yeah, did you found it?

SID: I think so. I dunno, Tone. Totally fucking weird, ok?

TONY: I don’t care if it looks weird, Sid. Get on with it!

SID: All right.

His phone rings again.

SID: I told you, Tony. I’m fucking doing it. Oh!

WOMAN: Are you my 2.30?

SID’S MOTHER: (on the phone) Sid?

SID: Hi, mum.

WOMAN: You here to see Alicia?

SID: I’ll ring you back.

WOMAN: Come in, for Christ’s sakes.

SID’S MOTHER: Where are you?

SID: College.

WOMAN: The neighbours are bitching with the cameras.

SID: I gotta go. I’m not talking to anybody. I’ve got to go.

WOMAN: Alicia?

SID: I’m going to French. I’ll talk to you later.

WOMAN: Little geek guy here! Is he yours?

SID: Hi.

ALICIA: You here for a threesome?

KENNY: Big Issue?

TONY: Get a fucking job, Kenny.

KENNY: Fuck you.

TONY: How was the holiday?

KENNY: Shit. Faliraki’s gone downhill. Crap hotel. Four stars mean nothing now. Fucking nothing.

TONY: See ya.

KENNY: Big Issue, love?

JAL: Here he comes, cock of the year.

MAXXIE: So who’s gonna tell him we can’t go to the party?

CHRIS: Shut up man. Here he comes.

ANWAR: What you been doing in Poshville Towers, eh?

TONY: Broadening my horizons.

CHRIS: Those girls do not do fickety fick with town scum like you. It doesn’t matter what you can do with your muscles.

TONY: I say this world extends way beyond this field of dreams. And I want to see that world.

CHRIS: What’s the fuck he on about?

JAL: He’s quoting. It’s a literary reference.

CHRIS: What? You mean Shakespeare and shit?

JAL: Dawson’s Creek.

CHRIS: I don’t know what that is, but if you guys want to waste your life watching television…

ANWAR: You don’t watch television, Chris?

CHRIS: No, I don’t watch television, you braindeads. Can you not think of anything better to entertain yourselves?

JAL: Like?

CHRIS: Like pills.

JAL: Is that it?

CHRIS: No. Shagging.

TONY: Cultural.

JAL: Oh, yeah.

CHRIS: It fucking is cultural.

JAL: You’re full of shit. Nobody’s gonna shag you with a cock that tiny.

ANWAR: You shouldn’t have got it out.

CHRIS: It was a strip poker, what do you want me to do?

ANWAR: You weren’t even playing! You shouldn’t have got it out, Chris.

CHRIS: Just because you lot are bunch of pussies. Enough of that. Gotta go because we got psychology. We don’t want to miss Angie.

TONY: You will come to this party tonight?

ANWAR: Aaaah, I can’t, man.

JAL: Me neither.

MAXXIE: We told you! Big gay night out.

TONY: We’ll have a shed-load of spliff.

CHRIS: Look, we don’t need any. The town’s awash. It’s like someone planted of Lithuania.

TONY: Oh, Christ. Sid’s scoring an ounce now.

CHRIS: Call him off, man. You’ll be oversupplied.

TONY: (Calling Sid) Sid? Answer, you twat.

WOMAN: (Humming) You wish you could have me back and be your fool forever. (To Sid) I got to walk in on them by mistake now. Do you want a coke or something?

SID: No. Do you think he’ll be long?

WOMAN: Not once I burst in all flummoxed up, he won’t.

SID: No, I meant the guy I came to see.

WOMAN: Mad?

SID: Mad. Is that… Is that his real name?

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

SID: You know what, I think I’ll come back later.

WOMAN: It’s fine. Just don’t stare. He doesn’t like people staring.

SID: Right.

WOMAN: He’s sensitive, you know. Just don’t stare at it.

SID: At… At what?

WOMAN: Hello! I’ve unexpectedly come home early by accident!

TONY: Sid, for Christ’s sakes don’t buy the dope. Nobody’s coming. We’re aborting the mission. And Sid. Pick up your messages, you absolute and utter lower colon!

SID: Oh, fuck this.

MAD: You’re staring at me?

SID: No, not at all. So, er, you’re Mad?

MAD: Yes, I am. Maddison Twatter… PhD. You got a problem?

SID: No, no, no. Um, so you’re a doctor, then?

MAD: Who said?

SID: Well, the Ph…D thing.

MAD: Yeah, yeah, you could say that. You could say, um, pretty… huge… dick. Yeah! Which? Which? Doctor, Pretty Huge Dick. Which?

SID: Both?

MAD: I like you. What’s up, kid? I mean, do you wanna… Do you wanna get laid?

SID: Huh? How did you…? I mean. No, no. I was, er, looking to maybe get some spliff.

MAD: You being fucking funny?

SID: Absolutely not.

MAD: Show me some money.

SID: Right, well. That’s the thing. ‘Cause someone said that maybe I could get the stuff, and pay, like… later? Woah. Oh, fuck!

MAD: Credit terms. That’s just a whole fucking shark attack there, right?

SID: I quite understand… Let’s just forget…

MAD: No, fuck it. It’s your game, if you want to play it. Do you wanna play?

SID: Yeah, yeah… Yeah. Um, how about an ounce of spliff?

MAD: Three ounces it is.

SID: No, no, an ounce… of… spliff…

MAD: Three ounces. That’s three hundred pounds of easy credit, so you’ve got 48 hours to pay me. Have you got balls?

SID: Yeah.

MAD: I’m just checking, because your balls are your collateral. You got me?

SID: Yeah.

High school.

JAL: After time, denial, anger and bargaining will give way to a depression. In this phase the sense of emotional loss is amplified and may seem unbearable. In this phase, the feelings of low self-esteem and hopelessness are common. But these will finally give way, eventually, to the final phase of acceptance… and understanding that what has been lost can never return, and that life can continue although it may be very different.

ANGIE: (Sobbing) Oh, God!

JAL: And a journey is complete.

CHRIS: No more sports science teachers, Angie.

ANGIE: I know.

CHRIS: Hey, it doesn’t matter how big his dick is…

JAL: Shut it, Chris.

ANGIE: You’re all so lovely to me. I need you… your coursework in by next week for the deadline, if that’s OK. It’s important for my department score, you know…

CHRIS: I could say that he touched me up in the shower or something.

ANGIE: Could you?

JAL: Chris, you idiot!

CHRIS: What? What?

TONY: Where the fuck have you been?

SID: Doing what you said. I fucking hope this is still on. You got hold of Cass?

TONY: Yeah, but thing is…

SID: Great. Well, I got the spliff.

TONY: Didn’t you get my messages, you tit?

Messages are beeping on Sid’s phone.

SID: Problem?

TONY: Please!

CHRIS: You OK, Angie? Another day, another dollar, eh?

ANGIE: Yes.

CHRIS: Can I carry your books?

ANGIE: Um, yes, but you don’t have to do it everyday, Chris.

CHRIS: I do. (Mobile ringing) I’ll get it.

ANGIE: No need…

CHRIS: Angie’s phone… Stop ringing her or you’ll have me to deal with.

ANGIE: Let me have it.

CHRIS: Yep, Chris Miles here. Angie’s friend. She’s got friends, you know what I’m saying, you tosser. Right. Yeah, yeah, I’ll have the coursework in by Thursday. Are you saying I can have an extension? Yeah. Don’t ring her again… bell end! Sorted him out!

ANGIE: Right. I’m not sure you’re supposed to… Thanks, Chris.

CHRIS: Pleasure is all mine, Angie. Shall we?

SID: Jesus. Is that it?

TONY: Yup. It’s Abigail’s party. And we’ve got to sell an ounce of dope.

SID: I was meaning to talk to you about that…

TONY: So we tell them it’s like, Mongolian Hallucinogenic or something. They’re all so dim they might just buy it.

SID: Yes, but you see, that’s the thing.

MICHELLE: Tony!

TONY: Hey.

MICHELLE: Hey. (Kissing Tony) Where is everyone?

TONY: Not coming. And Sid has to sell or he’s in shit with his dealer.

SID: Hang on. “My dealer”?

MICHELLE: Anyway, I brought Cassie. Cassie, you remember Sid, right?

CASSIE: Yeah, wow, lovely… No. But I like that you’re funny-looking. That’s cute – like, wow, man.

TONY: How’s the treatment going, Cassie?

CASSIE: Oh, it’s cool. I wear a white dress and now I can eat yoghurt, cup-a-soup and hazelnuts now. I’m not sick if they let me play with the cats. Yeah, it’s like… hazy days, you know.

TONY: Well, that’s encouraging.

CASSIE: Oh, thank you. You’re so nice. (Kissing Tony)

MICHELLE: Cass, Cass, Cass! Sid’s going to be looking after you tonight.

CASSIE: Oh, would you? Wow!

TONY: And Sid’s got a whole bag of drugs.

CASSIE: Wow. That’s so nice. And I bet you won’t even make me eat anything.

SID: No. No.

CASSIE: (Hugging Sid) Thank you.

TONY: Right, great! Let’s go in and shift this ounce, then, yeah?

SID: It’s three ounces. I’ve got three ounces.

TONY: Hi, Abi.

ABIGAIL: Tony! Lovely. And these must be your frands.

MICHELLE: Sorry?

TONY: Yeah, this is Michelle, Cassie and Sid.

ABIGAIL: Super.

CASSIE: Wow, you’re lovely. (Hugging Abigail)

ABIGAIL: Super.

CASSIE: Where’s the kitchen? I want to see the kitchen.

ABIGAIL: It’s through there. Come in.

MICHELLE: Cheers.

ABIGAIL: Oh… shoes. It’s just that Mummy had this carpet imported from Iran. We have to be so, so careful with the pile.

TONY: Right, yep, sure.

MICHELLE: Sorry.

TONY: No problem.

ABIGAIL: Can I get you some rum punch? I’m afraid we’re getting rather giggly on it – isn’t that safe!

TONY: Mmm we love rum punch, don’t we, Chelle?

MICHELLE: Super.

ABIGAIL: Everyone, this is Tony and his frands. Tony, this is Sarah, Josh, Sarah, Maddie, Felicia, Hugo, Sebastian, Sarah, Sam and Sarah. What was your name again?

SID: Sid.

ABIGAIL: Sid? Is that Polish or something?

SID: No, I don’t think so.

ABIGAIL: Danuta’s Polish. Danuta. She doesn’t speak English. But you can just speak to her in Italian or in French. (In Italian) Danuta, this is Sid. He goes to a school where you don’t even have to pay. Isn’t that lovely?

DANUTA: He is a very small boy. And such tiny hands. He must have a tiny cock too.

ABIGAIL: She likes you.

SID: Oh. Cheers.

TONY: Abi, I wonder if you and your friends would like a little something?

ABIGAIL: Something?

TONY: You know, get a bit squiffy.

ABIGAIL: Oh, ya, that would be so safe, you know.

TONY: Great, because we’ve got some really cool shit which could get you…

ABIGAIL: But we can’t smoke anything in the hice.

TONY: The “hice”?

ABIGAIL: Yes, because the silk wallpaper has just arrived from Rome, and Mummy’s particular about odours, and we simply mustn’t, or she’ll go wild.

TONY: Bummer.

BOY: OK, yah. This is MC Hugo on the decks, and we’re going to have a tremendous time, yah?

ALL: Yah!

BOY: So let’s chizzle on this dizzle and party down.

They all start to dance.

TONY: Isn’t that something?

MICHELLE: Ghetto-style.

ABIGAIL: Oh, come on, Tony! Isn’t this just bitching?

MICHELLE: Come on, Tony.

He joins her to dance, together, in a sexy way.

Kitchen.

SID: Hi.

CASSIE: Oh, hi. This is so, so wicked. They’ve got such cool food. Look at it all. Wow.

SID: Right. Are you hungry or something?

CASSIE: Oh, no. You mustn’t eat it. Just… arrange it. They haven’t got it organised properly at all. There. That’s it. Much better. I don’t feel sick now.

SID: Cool.

CASSIE: So… are you going to fuck me later?

SID: Pardon?

CASSIE: You know. Like Michelle said.

SID: She said that?

CASSIE: Oh, yes.

SID: Look, I’ve got all this fucking weed. Do you want a spliff or something?

CASSIE: No. I can’t. It makes you hungry.

SID: Well, I don’t mind.

CASSIE: I do.

SID: Sorry. (Kissing Cassie on the cheek)

CASSIE: Oh… Wow. You can keep me company, yeah?

SID: Yeah.

Big gay night.

CHRIS: Jesus. As big gay nights go…

ANWAR: It’s not that big.

MAXXIE: I’m sorry, guys. I just wanted to show you my world, you know.

ANWAR: I’m definitely not turning gay.

CHRIS: Me neither. Nope.

MAXXIE: It can be a lot of fun. We had the Pontypool Mounted Police Formation Dance Team in last week. What a blast!

CHRIS: Well, just have to imagine it.

MAXXIE: Hey, where are you going?

CHRIS: To find that party.

MAXXIE: Nah.

CHRIS: It’s posh kids. All the boys are gay.

MAXXIE: Yeah?

ANWAR: Are the girls gay too?

CHRIS: Look, everyone’s gay. Right, let’s get the fuck out of here.

CHRIS: I think we found it.

MAXXIE: Bosh!

CHRIS: Double bosh!

ANWAR: And it only took five hours, four buses and two bottles of vodka.

CHRIS: Man, check this thing out!

ANWAR: Cool, man.

MAXXIE: Yeah!

CHRIS: Ooh, yep. Careless.

CHRIS: Hey, Tony… Tone. Changed our minds, man. The monkey man’s here!

Anwar and Chris are hugging Tony.

Outside.

CASSIE: (Panting) Wow! Oh! Wow. This is lovely, lovely, lovely. Wow. Waoo!

SID: Cassie? You OK?

CASSIE: Get up here. You’ve got to, got to bounce. Whoo!

ABIGAIL: Tony, it’s too wild, too wild. (Chris starts to dance with her.) Take them off, take them off!

CHRIS: OK. (Taking off his pants)

A fight starts between posh kids and Tony’s friends.

DANUTA: At least! The real men have arrived. (Taking off her shirt and kissing Chris)

SID: Fuck! Oh, shit!

CASSIE: (Kissing Sid) It’s not good tough, Sid. Is it?

SID: What? What is?

CASSIE: You fancy me.

SID: I… sure, I…

CASSIE: But you really love Michelle.

SID: It shows?

CASSIE: Fucking right it shows. Anyway, she told me.

SID: She told you? Oh, fuck.

CASSIE: She said that Tony doesn’t love properly, but you do, and it’s too fucked up because she totally loves him even tough she thinks you’re sweet.

SID: Sweet? She thinks I’m sweet. I’m in so much shit.

CASSIE: (Taking his hand) No, you’re not.

SID: No? I mean what would you do if… if everything’s so fucked up, and you… you just don’t know what to do?

CASSIE: I stop eating until they take me to hospital. Look at those clouds. Wow. You wanna do it now?

SID: Huh?

CASSIE: I won’t mind. But you’ll have to be quick.

SID: Why?

CASSIE: Because… I took a shit load of pills.

SID: Pills? What kind of pills?

CASSIE: Oh, you know. Pills.

SID: Cassie? Cassie. Oh… Oh, fuck.

Sid, carrying Cassie, enters.

GIRLS: (To Maxxie) You fucking bastard!

MICHELLE: (To Sid) Shit! What’s wrong with her?

SID: She’s pilled up, for fuck’ sake.

TONY: Time to leave. Maxxie, Anwar, come on.

Outside.

TONY: Nice one, Chris.

CHRIS: Good party.

SID: Guys, can we get going? Just in case, Cassie’s like, dying or something.

MICHELLE: I normally take her to the city hospital.

TONY: It’s miles.

Danuta joins them.

MAXXIE: I think she likes you, Chris.

CHRIS: Safe! Yes, but OK, we have no bus or taxi, OK! We are stuck, yeah?

DANUTA: We steal car. Then make fuck, English boy, yes?

CHRIS: Yes.

In the car.

SID: Come on, find the fucking hospital.

Chris and Danuta are kissing at the back.

MICHELLE: Come on, Tony, we need a doctor.

TONY: (Driving) I can’t work out the gears.

MAXXIE: It’s a fucking automatic, Tony.

Horn Honks and yells.

MICHELLE: What are you doing? Tony!

Danuta and Chris are still kissing.

TONY: Stop shouting!

MICHELLE: She’s stopped breathing. OK, there it is.

Skidding. Horns beep.

TONY: OK, quick. Get her inside.

ANWAR: Yeah, but what do we tell them?

TONY: I don’t know, improvise. Go on, we’ve got to stash the car. Come on, what are you waiting for?

CASSIE: Oh, I had such a lovely dream… Wow.

Park. Anwar gets out from the car to pee.

TONY: (To Sid) Get it out. We can at least have some spliffs before you’re taken out and debollocked.

SID: Oh, nice. Thanks Tone.

TONY: Relax. We’ll sell it tomorrow.

SID: Where?

TONY: We just will.

CASSIE: I like the boats. They go places. Like over the sea and everything.

TONY: Are you OK, Anwar?

ANWAR: Shut up. I can’t fucking pee if you’re looking. (They’re all looking.) You’re looking, aren’t you?

ALL: No.

MAXXIE: Who’s got skins?

TONY: Er, me. Hang on.

MICHELLE: Don’t say you haven’t got them.

TONY: Stop worrying. We’ve had all our bad luck for today.

SID: You put them in your back pocket.

TONY: When?

SID: Come here. Hang on. There. Yeah, I got them.

The handbrake is down. The car is falling into the lake.

MICHELLE: Tony! Tony, do something! Tony!

The car falls into it.

ANWAR: Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

After a few minutes.

MICHELLE: Oh, my god! (One by one, they all reached the surface.) Tony!

TONY: I think that could have gone a lot worse, don’t you?

SID: The dope’s gone.

CASSIE: At least, we’ve got our health. That’s the important thing.

Soaked, they all walk back home in the street. The bag of drugs reached the surface in turn, much later.

A naked woman opens the components right in front of Tony’s house.

MAN: For God’s sakes, what are you doing, Miriam? Why do you have to get up so early?

MIRIAM: Just getting ready.

The man is actually the French teacher that Tony met earlier.

MAN: Anybody would think you wanted the neighbours to see you. Do you hear me, woman?

She’s looking at Tony’s window, but he isn’t there this morning.

MIRIAM: Yes, darling.

In Tony’s bed.

SID: Tony.

TONY: Yes, Sid.

SID: Chris and that Polish girl. They got out of the car at the hospital, right? I mean, they got out before the harbour, yeah?

TONY: Yeah.

SID: Yeah.

TONY: Yeah. You’re still a virgin, then?

SID: Yup.