Scene: A radio studio.

Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.

Ira: So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.

Sheldon: Yes.

Ira: And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.

Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.

Ira: It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.

Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?

Ira: That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.

Sheldon: Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.

Sheldon: President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar.

Amy: I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.

Leonard: Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.

Penny: How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.

Sheldon: Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.

Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.

Penny: Mmm, you clearly haven’t been with me at Mardi Gras.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Bernadette: Want to pause the video game and help me clean up?

Howard: I am cleaning up. Look at the mess the Joker made of Gotham City.

Bernadette: Come on, it’s your friend who’s coming to stay here.

Howard: Raj grew up in India. Trust me, he’s seen worse.

Bernadette: Howie.

Howard: I promise I’ll help out the rest of the week.

Bernadette: The rest of the week? You said it was just gonna be a night or two.

Howard: Yeah, but if I told you a week, would you have said yes?

Bernadette: No.

Howard: Then you left me no choice.

Bernadette: I love Raj, but that’s a long time for a house guest.

Howard: I know, but they’re tenting his building. He can’t find a hotel he likes that allows dogs.

Bernadette: He’s bringing Cinnamon?

Howard: For a whole week, the nerve of some people.

Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon is playing with his train set.

Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it’s a hub.

Amy: Sheldon, can I come in?

Sheldon: Do you have cookies?

Amy: No.

Sheldon: Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while.

Sheldon: Why are you here?

Wil: Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?

Sheldon: Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.

Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.

Wil: Yeah, I know a little something about that.

Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.

Wil: I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.

Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?

Wil: Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.

Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.

Amy: Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things.

Wil: Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games.

Amy: Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so…

Wil: I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.

Sheldon: I do see what you’re saying. That helps.

Wil: Good.

Sheldon: Would you two like to stay and play trains with me?

Wil: Sure.

Amy: Okay.

Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.

Wil:Can I blow the whistle?

Sheldon: You should probably go.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Howard: You’re gonna brush your teeth on my couch?

Raj: No, I’m gonna brush Cinnamon’s teeth.

Howard: Why bother? She spends half the time licking her butt.

Raj: And the other half licking my face. That’s why I’m brushing her teeth.

Bernadette: Hey, guys. Sorry I’m so late. Did you already have dinner?

Howard: No, we were waiting for you.

Bernadette: Aw, that’s so sweet.

Howard: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?

Raj: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work. Let me get you a glass of wine. I’ll cook dinner.

Bermadette: Oh, Raj, you’re our guest.

Raj: Don’t be silly. Sit. You look like you’ve had a long day.

Howard: No, she always looks like that. Because she married an idiot.

Bernadette: Thank you, Raj.

Raj: Please, this is my way of thanking you for letting me stay here. Now, tell us all about your day.

Bernadette: Okay, um, well, first, I was late to a meeting ’cause I was stuck in traffic.

Howard: Well, I keep telling you to put that traffic app on your phone.

Raj: Hey, when you got home today complaining that you felt sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No. I said, aw, that must hurt, and I rubbed your belly.

Howard: I thought of you the whole time.

Raj: All I’m saying is there’s a time to just listen.

Bernadette: Thank you.

Raj: There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it’s ten. I’ll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard.

Leonard: Hey, you’re in a good mood.

Sheldon: I’m in a great mood.

Leonard: Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.

Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.

Leonard: Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.

Sheldon: Really?

Leonard: Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.

Sheldon: So no more interviews?

Leonard: No, it’s all over.

Sheldon: I can’t believe it.

Leonard: Well, you’re welcome.

Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.

Leonard: I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.

Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.

Leonard: Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.

Sheldon: That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,

Penny: Hey, what’s with all the yelling?

Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.

Penny: Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,

Sheldon: That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.

Penny: He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right?

Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.

Leonard: The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.

Sheldon: Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.

Leonard: Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.

Penny: Actually, I get what he’s saying.

Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.

Penny: It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.

Sheldon: I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.

Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.

Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.

Leonard: Fine, I’ll publish.

Sheldon: Can you believe this guy?

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Bernadette: Aw! Raj did the dishes.

Howard: How do you know I didn’t do them?

Bernadette: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.

Raj: Good morning, everybody. I picked up coffee while I was out. Bernadette, here’s your soy peppermint mocha.

Bernadette: Aw, you didn’t have to do that.

Raj: Oh, my pleasure, and don’t worry about your presentation today. You’re gonna be great.

Howard: Yeah, you’re gonna knock it out of the park.

Bernadette: What presentation do I have today?

Howard: Just go.

Raj: He loves you.

Howard: What are you doing? Are you trying to make me look bad?

Raj: I’m just being a good house guest.

Howard: No, you’re being a better husband than I am. Doing the dishes, getting coffee, knowing about her life, who does that?

Raj: Oh, come on, I brought you one, too.

Howard: I don’t want coffee.

Raj: That’s why I got you hot chocolate.

Howard: Give me that. Just stop showing me up.

Raj: Howard, listen to me. You’re a great husband. Yes, your listening skills could use some work. But it’s amazing how far you’ve come given that you’re an only child raised by an over-protective mom.

Howard: Um, is this getting weird?

Raj: Hang on.

Howard: So, yes.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Leonard: Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.

Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.

Leonard: These things happen all the time, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.

Barry: Thew he is. It’s my favowite superhewo, the Wetwactor.

Leonard: Come on, don’t give him a hard time.

Barry: I’m sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team.

Leonard: It’s not a big deal.

Barry: It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.

Leonard: Okay, Barry, that’s enough.

Sheldon: No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.

Barry: Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.

Sheldon: You’re right, That was uncalled for. I take it back.

Barry: Of course you do. Because you’re the Wetwactor.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Bernadette: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you’re here much longer, I’m gonna have to buy bigger clothes.

Raj: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You’ve been looking too skinny lately.

Bernadette: Aw. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?

Howard: What are you talking about? Remember last week, when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren’t? How’s that different?

Bernadette: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful, like your friend Raj.

Howard: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.

Bernadette: Oh, really?

Howard: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning. And there was a note inside that said go get ‘em.

Bernadette: Like I don’t do enough around here. Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note telling you to go get ‘em? You’re a grown man, you should know to go get ‘em.

Howard: I do know to go get ‘em, but sometimes it’s nice to have emotional support when I’m going and getting them.

Raj: Hey, hey, do you hear yourselves? Let’s just, you know, all calm down and take a step back.

Bernadette: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?

Howard: I don’t know. I guess I was just feeling like I’m a lousy husband.

Bernadette: You’re not a lousy husband. You’re a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.

Howard: Are you kidding? You’re the best. I know what the problem is. It’s him.

Raj: Oh, what did I do?

Howard: You made us feel like we’re not trying hard enough.

Bernadette: Yeah, we were totally fine half-assing our marriage till you showed up.

Raj: Look, I’m sorry you’re upset with me, but I just have to say it’s nice to see the two of you on the same page.

Howard: Oh, it does feel good to have you backing me up for once.

Bernadette: I back you up all the time.

Howard: That is not… he’s doing it again.

Bernadette: What is wrong with you?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: I can’t believe they kicked you out.

Raj: I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again.

Penny: Bark once if you need me to call PETA.

Sheldon: What’s that animal doing in our apartment?

Leonard: Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out.

Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better…

Sheldon: It probably won’t.

Penny: You’re probably right.

Amy: Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?

Sheldon: Oh, everything is just sex with you isn’t it?

Raj: Sheldon, I think you might find the support you’re looking for if you realize that relationships are a give and take. She can only be there for you as much as you are for her.

Amy: Thank you, Rajesh.

Raj: And, Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon, instead of pressuring him to accept intimacy on your terms.

Amy: You should probably go.

Scene: The radio studio.

Ira: I’m Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I’d like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen.

Leonard: Thanks.

Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.

Ira: It’s all right.

Sheldon: Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?

Ira: No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?

Leonard: Well…

Sheldon: I believe I can answer that.

Leonard: He asked me.

Sheldon: Fine.

Leonard: As I was saying…

Sheldon: You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…

Leonard: Sheldon.

Sheldon: That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.

Ira: You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.

Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?

Ira: Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

Leonard: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me.

Sheldon: Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio.

Penny (listening in her apartment): You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.

Amy: A little early for alcohol, isn’t it?

Sheldon: You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)

Amy: I’ll get the vodka.