Scene: The Apartment.

Leonard: Sheldon, your food’s getting cold.

Sheldon: I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.

Penny: It’s hot when Sheldon talks dirty.

Raj: So, I found this Web site where you send them pictures, they sculpt your head and make an action figure out of you. How awesome is that?

Howard: Let me see.

Raj: Yeah, you can pick your wardrobe. You can even choose your accessories.

Howard: Leonard, you can get a little asthma inhaler.

Leonard: Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we’ve bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don’t you think?

Penny: Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one.

Leonard: Yeah, so, I’m out.

Raj: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?

Sheldon: Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?

Raj: No.

Sheldon: Don’t waste my time.

Leonard: You get that these are personalised action figures.

Penny: Honey, if you want one, just get one.

Howard: You’re still out, right?

Leonard: Yep.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Sheldon: A hush falls over the crowd as Cooper studies the board. He makes his move. He’s dividing both sides by I. He’s adding back the coefficient. He has a value for P. He’s plugging that back in. He takes the derivative, and he solves the equation. The crowd goes wild. Nobel! Nobel!

Kripke: Cooper?

Sheldon: Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board.

Kripke: What’s that?

Sheldon: That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?

Kripke: I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.

Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.

Kripke: No, they’re making us work together.

Sheldon: That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!

Scene: Howard’s lab.

Leonard: Hmm. Kind of a strange place to put a picture of you and Bernadette.

Howard: Well, I wanted everybody to know I love my wife. And nobody to know I forgot to turn off the laser.

Raj: They’re here. Our action figures have arrived. This is the best five hundred dollars I’ve ever spent.

Leonard: A thousand dollars on action figures? How can you afford that?

Howard: Easy. His family’s loaded, and Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.

Raj: Say hello to an exact scale model of me. Oh, I’m not dark chocolate. I’m melt-in-your-mouth caramel.

Howard: Oh, man. Look at my nose.

Leonard: Maybe it’s a shipping problem.

Howard: What?

Leonard: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.

Raj: This sucks.

Howard: I can’t believe I wasted all that money.

Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn’t let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.

Scene: The stairwell.

Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.

Leonard: Well, sometimes there’s a secret ending, like in The Avengers.

Penny: Yeah, but I don’t think that’s going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.

Leonard: They could show bloopers. Oh, no.

Penny: What is that?

Leonard: That is Sheldon’s “I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet” music. Come on, let’s just go to your place.

Penny: Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him?

Leonard: Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

Penny (entering apartment): You doing okay, sweetie?

Sheldon: There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.

Leonard: Want me to make you some tea?

Sheldon: Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.

Leonard: So, cocoa?

Sheldon: Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?

Leonard: Oh, teacher! Me! Me!

Sheldon: See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.

Penny: What beverage do you make for that?

Leonard: Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?

Sheldon: Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Kripke: What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.

Sheldon: And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.

Kripke: We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours.

Sheldon: Why don’t you show me yours first.

Kripke: You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.

Sheldon: How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

Kripke: How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine?

Sheldon: Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.

Kripke: Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?

Sheldon: Fine.

Kripke: Nice twy. This is bwank paper.

Sheldon: And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.

Kripke: Cough it up, Cooper.

Sheldon: Very well.

Kripke: If this one’s bwank, too, I’m going to be fuwious.

Sheldon: Fine.

Scene: Howard’s lab.

Raj: You! Always bet on black.

Howard: Get that waste of money out of my face.

Raj: It’s only a waste of money if we don’t play with them. (As doll) He’s right, dawg.

Howard: Please, I’m working.

Raj: You know, there is a way we can get action figures to look exactly like us.

Howard: Oh, yeah? How’s that?

Raj: Two words, 3-D printer. Wait, maybe it’s three words. No, hang on. Okay, one word, a letter and a number and maybe a hyphen. 3-D printer.

Howard: I have always wanted a 3-D printer.

Raj: Of course you have. They’re an engineer’s dream. Anything you can design, a 3-D printer can make out of plastic.

Howard: Yeah, but they’re so expensive.

Raj: Oh, come on. You deserve one. You’ve worked hard to find a woman who makes a lot of money.

Howard: Well, the prices have been coming down.

Raj: Oh, true. They’re practically giving them away. You know, in exchange for money.

Howard: And we can make stuff we need for work with it. Prototypes of my CAD/CAM designs, specialized tools…

Raj: Not to mention Malibu Koothrappali and his totally bitchin’ dream house.

Howard: We don’t need Malibu Koothrappali’s dream house.

Raj: Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?

Scene: The apartment.

Amy:The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

Sheldon: I’m fine.

Amy: All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?

Sheldon: Yes.

Amy: Sheldon, what’s going on?

Sheldon: I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.

Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?

Sheldon: What do we have to lose?

Amy: How’s that?

Sheldon: I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’re going to be late.

Sheldon: I can’t go in today. I’m sick.

Leonard: You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke.

Sheldon: No, look.

Leonard: 128.

Sheldon: See?

Leonard: What did you do, put this in your tea?

Sheldon: Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.

Leonard: Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.

Sheldon: Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.

Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.

Sheldon: All right, geez. What a grouch.

Leonard: How did I do that? I got to remember how I did that.

Scene: Howard’s lab.

Howard: Do you realize, by owning a 3-D printer, we are reclaiming the manufacturing process and taking jobs back from sweatshops in China?

Raj: I think this thing was made in China.

Howard: Eh, what can you do?

Raj: Ooh, I, I think it’s done. Oh, it worked. We printed a whistle.

Howard: Amazing. You realize these things go for 25 cents a pop at a party store.

Raj: And we made it in only three hours. Sounds just like store-bought.

Howard: Okay, give me a superhero pose, and I will scan you into the computer for your action figure.

Raj: Oh, I wish I was in better shape.

Howard: Stop holding your stomach in. I’ll give you a six-pack with the computer.

Raj: Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.

Howard: All right, you can suck it in a little bit.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Kripke: Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.

Sheldon: I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.

Kripke: Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is.

Sheldon: We do?

Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.

Sheldon: So?

Kripke: So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.

Sheldon: Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.

Kripke: You wucky bastard.

Sheldon: What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.

Kripke: Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.

Sheldon: I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s apartment.

Howard: Oh, good, you’re home. Got a little surprise for you.

Bernadette: What?

Howard: Say hello to my little friend.

Bernadette: Oh, my God. That’s so cute. I didn’t think there could be a smaller version of you.

Howard: I know, right? And, thanks to photographs and a little 3-D modeling, here comes the bride.

Bernadette: Oh, Howie, I love these.

Howard: I thought you might.

Bernadette: Were they expensive?

Howard: Didn’t cost a thing. I made them myself.

Bernadette: How?

Howard: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3-D printer for $5,000.

Bernadette: $5,000 for a couple of dolls? Are you out of your mind?

Howard: Not just for a couple of dolls. For as many dolls as we want. And whistles.

Bernadette: At any point, did it dawn on you to talk to me about spending this kind of money?

Howard: It’s kind of dawning on me now.

Bernadette: I don’t believe you. Howie, we can’t afford to waste money on junk like this.

Howard: What are you talking about? We make plenty of money.

Bernadette: I make plenty of money. You make peanuts.

Howard: Yes, but we’re married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works.

Bernadette: No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?

Sheldon: Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.

Leonard: Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard: I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.

Penny: Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question?

Sheldon: Of course.

Penny: You ever going to sleep with Amy?

Sheldon: That’s awfully personal.

Leonard: We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.

Penny: Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal?

Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.

Penny: All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

Leonard: All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?

Sheldon: Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.

Penny: Then what’s the problem?

Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.

Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

Penny: Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?

Sheldon: It’s a possibility.

Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.

Sheldon: Fine.

Penny (under breath while hitting Leonard): Oh, my God!

Leonard: Ow!

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: Are you sure you want to do this? Give up your half of the 3-D printer?

Howard: Yes. And can you please make that out to Bernadette? I was taken off the joint account until I learn the value of money.

Raj: Wow, that’s harsh.

Howard: Tell me about it.

Raj: Aren’t you gonna eat lunch?

Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Sheldon: Well, the equation balances, but it’s certainly not elegant.

Kripke: Whatever. You get any wast night?

Sheldon: Yes.

Kripke: Gave it to her good, huh?

Sheldon: No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…

Kripke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie?

Sheldon: I didn’t notice.

Kripke: How could you not notice?

Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.

Kripke: Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper!

Sheldon: Can we get back to work?

Kripke: Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys?

Sheldon: Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed.

Kripke: A wocket? You’we a fweak! I wove it!