Scene: The University Cafeteria.

Leonard: No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.

Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.

Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?

Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Leonard: My problem is, I don’t project confidence. So I decided that the next time I meet a woman I think is attractive, rather than holding back and being cautious, I’m going to assume the mantle of self-assurance.

Raj: Oh, yeah? What’s that look like?

Leonard: Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.

Raj: Where are we going?

Howard: Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.

Sheldon: Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.

Leonard: Congratulations Howard.

Howard: Thanks. Listen, I have to get a security clearance, so you guys might be hearing from the FBI.

Raj: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don’t want to speak to the FBI.

Leonard: Why not?

Raj: I’m brown and I talk funny.

Howard: They’re just doing a background check on me.

Raj: It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive.

Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.

Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.

Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.

Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Raj’s apartment. Raj is reading New Moon.

Raj: Oh, Bella, don’t you see? Edward’s only pushing you away because he loves you. (Knock on door) Coming.

Woman at Door: Dr. Koothrappali? (Raj nods) I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. May I come in? (Nods again) I’d like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz. (Indicates sofa) Oh, thank you. All right. Well, how long have you known Mr. Wolowitz?

Raj (Holds up finger to indicate he will be right back. Runs to kitchen. Tries to drink wine but bottle is empty. Looks in fridge and finds rum cake. Comes back stuffing a piece in his mouth): Rum cake?

Page: No, thanks. Now, about Mr. Wolowitz.

Raj: Seven years.

Page: I see.

Raj: I’m in this country legally, you know.

Page: I’m sure you are. Now, to your knowledge, has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime?

Raj: Of course not. I’m here on an H-1B visa, which means I can’t be associated in any way with crime or criminal activity. And I’m not.

Page: Good. To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz have any foreign contacts?

Raj: No, just me. Oh, there it is. Here comes a cavity search.

Page: Excuse me?

Raj: Please don’t send me back to India, it’s so crowded. It’s like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, except everybody’s wearing the same costume, Indian Guy.

Page: Dr. Koothrappali, I’m not…

Raj: I love this country! The-the baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity! From California to the New York Island, I’m a real Yankee Doodle boy!

Page: Dr. Koothrappali, please.

Raj: My country ’tis of thee, duh duh duh liberty, It’s really great.

Scene: Leonard’s lab.

Leonard: So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Mulder. Glad to see I got Scully.

Page: Who?

Leonard: Mulder and Scully. X-Files. The truth is out there. Never mind. Uh, so, what would you like to know?

Page: You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct?

Leonard: Yes. Of course, we’re in different departments. He’s an engineer and I’m an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, Hello, maker of the universe, I see what you did there. Good one.

Page: Right. Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?

Leonard: Good. It’s a good relationship. Of course, most of my relationships are good. Probably because I exude confidence. People are drawn to that, you know? Confidence, not exuding.

Page: Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?

Leonard: You are beautiful, you know that? You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget.

Page: Sounds great.

Leonard: Really?

Page: Yeah. Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us?

Leonard: Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.

Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door.

Leonard: Want to get that?

Sheldon: Not particularly.

Leonard: Could you get that?

Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.

Leonard: Would you please get that?

Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Page: Dr. Cooper?

Sheldon: Yes.

Page: I’m Special Agent Page, FBI.

Sheldon: You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.

Page: Here’s my I.D.

Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.

Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.

Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

Page: Thank you.

Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?

Page: Fidelity, bravery, integrity?

Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?

Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.

Sheldon: That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

Page: Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?

Sheldon: A little, but go on.

Page: Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible?

Sheldon: I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set. Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?

Page: That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in.

Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right?

Page: I did.

Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

Page: I’m afraid not. Is there anything else?

Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.

Page: The Mars Rover?

Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?

Page: You did.

Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

Page: Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway.

Sheldon: I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.

Page: Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need.

Sheldon: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Howard: Hey, buddies. Guess who didn’t get security clearance to work on the giant space laser?

Leonard: What happened?

Howard: Apparently, the background interviews didn’t go well. You guys wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?

Raj: Well, actually, I may have gotten a little tipsy when I talked to her.

Leonard: And I may have hit on her a little bit.

Raj: I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes.

Howard: I see. Well, it’s good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.

Leonard: I feel awful.

Raj: Ah, me, too.

Leonard: To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.

Sheldon: Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: What are you doing up?

Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.

Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.

Sheldon: Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?

Leonard: I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep?

Sheldon: Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

Leonard: Did something happen today that’s bothering you?

Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: But why should that keep me up?

Leonard: Because you feel guilty?

Sheldon: Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.

Leonard: Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now.

Sheldon: Excuse me?

Leonard: You’re having a guilt-ridden dream.

Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?

Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch?

Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.

Scene: Agent Page’s Office.

Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.

Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.

Sheldon: Yes.

Page: Was your statement untrue?

Sheldon: No.

Page: Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it.

Sheldon: I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.

Page: Is there anything else?

Sheldon: Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…

Page: I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed.

Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.

Page: It’s closed.

Sheldon: I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.

Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter?

Sheldon: No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.

Scene: A corridor at the university.

Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard?

Raj: I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.

Sheldon: I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.

Dr Tyson: But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.

Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.

Dr Tyson: Is that the guy you were telling me about?

Raj: Oh, yeah.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.

Howard: You?

Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.

Howard: And they were okay with that?

Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.

Howard: Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?

Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.

Howard: Your apology is not accepted.

Sheldon: You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it?

Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.

Dr Tyson: Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.

Sheldon: Oh, shut up.

Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory.

Penny: Sheldon?

Sheldon: Hello.

Penny: What are you doing here?

Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.

Sheldon: I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.

Penny: Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you?

Sheldon: Alcohol.

Penny: Could you be a little more specific?

Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.

Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres.

Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters?

Sheldon: More or less.

Penny: Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we?

Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.

Penny: A what?

Sheldon: You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…

Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky.

Sheldon: That’s not how it looks in the picture.

Penny: Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.

Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.

Penny: All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind?

Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.

Penny: Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.

Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?

Penny: I drink.

Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.

Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.

Sheldon: I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.

Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win.

Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.

Penny: Kirk cheated.

Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.

Penny: Right there with you.

Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.

Penny: What?

Sheldon: I’ll reprogram Howard.

Penny: What? Sheldon, you can’t reprogram people.

Sheldon: No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)

Scene: The cafeteria.

Sheldon: Hello, all.

Raj: Hello.

Leonard: Hey.

Sheldon: Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?

Howard: Not really.

Sheldon: Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.

Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon.

Sheldon: There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.

Raj: What’s in the bag?

Sheldon: It’s for Howard.

Howard: Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts.

Sheldon: Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

Howard: You’re giving me a couch cushion?

Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.

Howard: But you love that spot.

Sheldon: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.

Raj: Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

Howard: All right. Apology accepted.

Sheldon: High five. Not too hard. Thank you.

Raj: I haven’t cried like this since Toy Story 3.

Scene: The apartment.

Howard: I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…

Sheldon: I changed my mind. Get out of my spot.

Penny: How long?

Leonard: 94 seconds.